I agree with others that your parents do have veto power when it’s their money. But similarly, it’s their responsibility to discuss finances with you, not the other way around. You aren’t at fault for this lapse. It’s on your parents.
The entire college process is a joint endeavor involving both the parent and the student. Parents need to make it clear what they are willing to pay (and in some cases, for what).
I’m sorry your parents are behaving as such. They should have given you a budget and their philosophy (we will only pay for the cheapest option versus we will pay if the COA is within $X) upfront. That all said, SMU is a great school, the scholarship means you’ll be a top and favored student, so go and enjoy your time there!
I believe my parents simply had the plan of choosing the cheapest option and paying for it (they want to help me out, but they will choose how and where to help).
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Perhaps this should be reworded to say “I believe my parents wanted to see which option provided the best value for me to receive an education.”
It seems to me you did pretty well, getting accepted to Duke and a full ride elsewhere. Congratulations!
at the brink of adulthood, the first major decision of my life leaves me out of the picture.<<
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There are HS senior who do get to decide. But, many who are making a decision have been accepted to more than one college that meets their parents’ financial constraints. You might feel like you are on the brink of adulthood, but that isn’t determined just by age. It’s determined by your ability to support yourself. Then, you get to experience the joys and consequences of making your own decisions.
Without knowing the details of how your search progressed and the conversations you had with your parents, we can’t judge what your parents and you should have done. Clearly, there was misunderstanding somewhere along the way - or wishful thinking.
I am sure it is difficult to turn down your dream school. You are a very accomplished student. Go to SMU, appreciate the scholarship, work hard and you will have a bright future.
The full ride to SMU is a great opportunity (and beats the automatic scholarships on the yola list).
Do you have less-than-full-ride scholarships that are also acceptable to your parents (ie., full tuition somewhere but they won’t pay for grad school)? Did you get into UT (or TAMU) + Honors program, and you’d like that better than SMU, for instance?
What kind of “grad school” do you plan on going to? How much exactly will your parents contribute to that?
OP, I’m glad you do see your parent’s perspective. I will say that any students who see college as “the first independent decision” are incorrect. The best way is as discussed, is a limit, parameters, and a discussion of value which is different than cheapest school.
I only have your side so I’m not going to critique your parent’s style but I will propose something for you to consider should you become a parent. Through out a teenagers life, the parents can allow larger and larger decisions including the accepting the consequences of bad decisions. I view my role and both advising in general and using veto power when the consequences of decision are too big. In other words, big decisions are never turned over completely until that child is independent. I want my kids used to making decisions when they launch, not the first decision they’ve made.
Your parent’s may have done this but not discussed the philosophy behind what they were doing. It’s not too late to start asking, Use this as an opportunity to be brought into their rationale behind decisions but understand they have veto on matters than involve $250,000 among others.
I appreciate all the wonderful congratulations! @Sportsman88 I think a large part of their perspective comes from the fact that my parents did not go to school in the United States (they went to a tiny college in the middle of the Australian outback) and both of them were so fortunate to never need a penny to pay for college yet they were still successful in their careers, so cost/quality of college and quality of opportunity has little if any correlation to them. In any case, “value” is only cost to them. Also, I know I’m not an adult yet but just one look at the “College Search and Selection” board on CC tells me that while everyone seems to have the privilege of the “X vs Y college” decision and I’m just left with “You’ll be going to X and that’s final.” @MYOS1634 Grad school is law school for me and I don’t think we’re making an agreement on a dollar amount because if I ask them to sign on the dotted line I’ll get another lecture about how I have no right to expect XXX. I’m not from Texas so I didn’t apply to the schools you mentioned. I think the typical advice is to take merit at a state school but I’m from Virginia and UVA obviously doesn’t dole out merit generously.
Did you get into UVa ? I’d advise that if your parents could agree. It’s probably affordable instate , certainly cheaper than Duke, has the cachet of a public Ivy (like UC Berkeley, UCLA, Umichigan, unc-ch), and is excellent for law school. A bit less ritzy/glam than smu (perhaps a bit less conservative and probably more diverse both socio-economically and religiously, if that matters to them.)
Do they understand that if they commit to helping for law school, it’s way more than college (IE, more than UVA ?)
Do your parents understand that each American college has its own culture - and do they approve of the one at smu or it doesn’t matter or would they rather have you a choice in the atmosphere that’ll surround you ?
You may want to forward them a few of the college x vs. W threads so they understand the way it’s done in the US.
However SMH is a great school and having a free ride there - as well as perks, I assume - is wonderful. I assume you applied because it appealed to you since it’s not instate so look for those reasons again, join the GB page, look for a roommate, buy some mercy… be proud !
I may be an outlier but I think your parents should help you attend Duke, if they can afford it. It might mean that you agree to repay them part of the cost, or that you defer enrolling for a year to work. In my own experience, D did not accept her least expensive option, and we have to stretch our finances to make it happen. But she is happy and thriving. To me, at least, that is priceless.
BTW, I’ve always been grateful to the Australian government who largely subsidized my grad school education in NSW. It was a tremendous opportunity, and it occurred in part because my parents were so generous in helping with my undergrad. I later paid for law school back in the US myself, by working.
Seems like they will not be willing to pay much when the time comes, though law students can take out much larger student loans than undergraduates.
Good news: getting into law school is mainly on your college GPA and LSAT score, not the prestige of your undergraduate school. See http://lawschoolnumbers.com .
Bad news: law school is very expensive, and law employment prospects are highly dependent on the prestige of your law school (so going to the cheapest one may not necessarily be a great idea if it is low ranked). See http://www.lstscorereports.com/schools/ .
By the time OP is in law school, s/he’ll no longer be a minor.
However yes it sounds like OP 's parents won’t be helping with law school either, so it’s a fake trade off.
We need to know if OP 's parents might be willing to consider uva - and if OP 1)got in and 2)likes uva better than smu.
If you were my child, you’d be going to Duke. I feel bad for you. Your parents feel differently. Once you are an independent adult, you can have any kind of relationship with them that you want, or none at all. They can too. Decisions have consequences. I personally think it’s better to involve your adult children in decisions that impact their lives. Your parents feel differently.
@ref1ections - if you were in the top 20 of SMU’s applicant pool of 12,000 you and your parents should be very proud. You were perhaps their top applicant from Virginia, and will be rewarded with a very exclusive and special experience at SMU. To be a President Scholar there is a rigorous selection and interview process. This would take a lot of interest and commitment to pursuing SMU.
Many more than 20 get full tuition scholarships at SMU, and that is a very different honor. And many at SMU get some aid. And a large group pay full price, virtually the same cost as Duke.
What drew you to SMU and participating in the rigorous scholarship process there?
And to TCU’s Chancellor scholar program?
And USC for their merit awards?
Hi @ClarinetDad16 ! So I didn’t exactly have a “strategy” when I was applying to college, except that I knew I wanted to go to college somewhere warm and in the South preferably. I couldn’t consider my in state flagship a safety so instead I made my safeties SMU and TCU at the recommendation of my church friends from Texas. They were not “financial safeties” but that’s simply because I didn’t think I was limited by finances (a rather entitled thought in hindsight). I wasn’t aware about their scholarship programs until after I was invited, and even when I was interviewing for them, I didn’t think I was obliged to take them if I received it.
As for USC, I honestly thought that school was a reach. Duke was a high reach because like everyone says, college is a crapshoot at the highest tier even if you have the stats.
I did get into UVA and would be paying full IS, which my parents still contest since it will end up being 100K more than a free ride, and the “fit” or “culture” card isn’t worth that much to them. My parents understand law school is expensive in the US but they have some expectation that meritorious work will garner me financial help from an employer. You see, their outlook on life is that hardwork and talent can outweigh your background. It’s based on the fact that they’re both extremely accomplished but didn’t go anywhere fancy. My mother was offered a free MBA at Harvard for outstanding work at a top consulting firm (Bain) and she thinks that I too can get that opportunity for myself. Really, my parents don’t understand that they’re outliers. I admire them for getting to where they are given their circumstances, but like, how can I explain that prestige is important if their entire life was completely based on the opposite?
I think SMU is the wise choice as well because Duke isn’t worth $50,000 more than SMU. Undergrad just doesn’t mean much for most degrees. I can see a justification for paying $50,000 for Wharton for the doors it opens and the fact that a Wharton grad doesn’t need grad school. There are other examples but mostly outliers.
Now that you mention Law School, there should be no decision. With a high GPA and great LSAT you can get into Top 20 Law from SMU. Law school is expensive regardless but even more so from Top 20. But it does matter greatly where you go to Law School.,
Go to SMU and have fun. Study hard. Knock the LSAT out of the park. Be happy with whatever your parents can contribute to Law School though I would have the conversation early in college about how much they will contribute per year to law or other grad school.
Once you are an independent adult, you can have any kind of relationship with them that you want, or none at all. They can too. Decisions have consequences.<<
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OP, I can’t agree with this advice from #30. It sounds like you are being encouraged to think it’s OK to hold a grudge about this, as justification for cutting your parents out of your life later on. It sounds like you are being encouraged to view your parents’ decision as a personal injustice that deserves negative consequences.
I don’t think you should listen to any advice that gives you license to cultivate a toxic relationship with your parents. They could have handled this situation a lot better, but that does not mean they deserve to be punished.
Some employers will pay for an MBA.
They don’t pay for Law School since law school doesn’t help them in any way.
Law school often is entirely funded by the students themselves. Also, even if offered a scholarship it’s not worth it to attend a law school outside of a top 20(unless you’re sure to be in the top 5 students at your flagship’s law school), because of the huge glut of law schools graduates who can’t find a job.
Piping up in defense of the grey area and having a fuzzy budget before applications went in.
We did not know, 100% for certain, ahead of applications going in, that we would ultimately insist D take the best financial package.
We did have to shake off some initial optimism, and take a hard look at our family’s big picture.
We will not share with D all of the reasons/concerns for our decision. That’s between us, the parents. We are confident we’re making the best decision for everyone in the family. Sometimes the sands shift underneath your feet, y’know? Something spooked us, and we are feeling extra cautious about the $. Again, this is something we don’t feel is necessary or helpful to share with either kid.
This is not to argue with the basic idea that there should be a budget ahead of applications going in.
I want to co-sign @Midwest67 and @Wien2NC. I think OP has a good head on his or her shoulders and realizes that s/he’s upset now but will come around later. That’s an excellent attitude to have, because in the long run this really won’t matter that much. In fact, I think it’s far more financially prudent for OP’s parents to advocate for the full ride at Southern Methodist than to pay full freight at Duke, but that’s a personal opinion (based on experience, but still personal).
CC is such a skewed sample. I’d imagine the subset of families who set out a concrete budget at the beginning of the process is actually really, really small. And even within that subset, I’d bet the sub-subset who would (or could afford to) turn down a full scholarship at an excellent university for full pay at another one is even smaller. I’d imagine instead that most families just wait until the financial aid awards roll through and figure out what they can do. You can still put together a good college list with a little uncertainty if you apply to a range of places, like most students should.
As Midwest67 alluded to, the hopes and dreams of September through October are quite different from the financial realities of March and April. Maybe something happens in the interim, or maybe the parents do financial calculations and realize that they can’t afford as much as they’d hoped. Or maybe the parents just realized that being strapped financially so that a child can live out a dream maybe isn’t a good idea when they have another excellent option on the table that doesn’t require that. Dreams are based on skewed perceptions of reality, anyway; most students thrive where planted and the little research on this shows that students who were ambitious and talented enough to get into top schools usually turn out just fine in the end no matter where they go. The vast majority of college graduates don’t go to a top 10 undergraduate school and yet tend to make it through life okay. Southern Methodist, in particular, has an entire Wikipedia page of notable people associated with it. (Lots of federal judges; lots of current and former Texas Supreme Court justices. Lots of Congress members, ambassadors, and other politicians on the state and national level. Loooooots of successful business people.)
Even if we went by rankings, SMU is ranked #61 in national universities. That puts it in the top 5% of four-year colleges and universities in the country. OP will walk away without owing a dime. All that money can be put towards law school instead.
I especially don’t like the “treat your own kids better,” as if OP’s parents were doing them some great injustice by encouraging/requiring them to go to a top 100 university for free.
Imagine you are a parent…your child says you have a choice…$240,000 or free for college…which would you want to pay for? Your job as a parent is to try to help your child be successful…and your child is smart so they will shine at the free college and get into the Honors college and be able to work with professors…why would you want to pay $240,000 (60K x 4 years).
With my kids I helped them come up with affordable options that met their needs and would challenge them.
be proud !