My parents always say “our money, our decisions; your money, your decisions” and I’ve been hearing that phrase a lot more since my decisions came out. I’m struggling. Duke has been my dream school since middle school, for as long as I’ve even ever thought about college. I’ve now gotten my acceptance from Duke and I couldn’t be more thrilled. I also got a full scholarship offer from a safety. In a heartbeat I would go to Duke, but my parents refuse to pay. They hardly think it’s worth even thinking about turning down a full scholarship. The family income is tipping 300K so no FA, and they refuse to cosign anyway. BTW, they went to no-name school at a time when it was free in the country they emigrated from. I’ve been really upset lately because they came straight out and told me that where I go to college wasn’t my decision if I wasn’t going to paying for it. It was very blunt. They said I can go wherever I want as long as I can fund myself.
Parents, fellow students, do you think this attitude is fair? Should I get an equal say in this? Or am I just a whiny teenager who doesn’t understand that I can’t always get what I want? I understand where they’re coming from, but I’m upset that it makes a little sense. They let me argue my points but in the end they just told me they’d help me with grad school but I need to let this go. I’ll probably get over this soon enough, but I just can’t get over the fact that at the brink of adulthood, the first major decision of my life leaves me out of the picture.
tl; dr: Do parents who hold purse strings overrule students’ wishes?
In an ideal world, your parents would have given you a budget at the beginning of your search (e.g., ‘we’ll pay up to $35,000/yr, over that it’s your job to figure it out’). Then you know going in what your financial parameters are. Right now I would say if you had 2 options that were fairly close financially, it should be your choice. But it sounds like you are asking your parents to cough up for a $240,000 education and they are balking at that. I don’t blame them. That’s a LOT of money. Like a few years of your parents’ retirement kind of money. Think of whether you really want to ask your dad to retire at 69 rather than 65.
(ps - I’m a parent. And we gave our kid a budget (‘we can afford full price in-state tuition. If you want private / OOS you need to get merit aid to bring it down to in-state CA prices’).
Agreed, it would have been much better if you and your parents had settled on a college budget beforehand. But you do not have the ability to pay your own way through Duke so that is not a viable option unless your parents pay. Sorry things didn’t work out as you hoped. But at this point I suggest you make the most of your college experience and move forward. And never forget that there are tons of people who would do almost anything for the opportunity to attend a four year college.
Realistically if they’re not paying for Duke and are forcing you to go to the free school (do you mind divulging the name?), you basically have to take the free option.
It doesn’t sound to me like this is a new discussion with them. They are in no way obligated to pay for any of your education, so I’d take what they are willing to pay for and move forward. They make $300K a year without going to Duke, I can see why they might not see the point.
Unfortunately, they are the ones who will ultimately get to make this decision, since they are the ones who would have to pay the bills. I’m sorry, but if you can’t make a compelling argument (in their eyes) for why they should pay for Duke I think you just need to let it go. I’m a parent, and I’ve seen other parents do this (not bring up the money issue until April and then force the decision to go their way), and I’m not a fan of this type of “college process.” It’s too bad that they didn’t set your expectations earlier, so you wouldn’t be so disappointed now. But, as the PP said, there are lots of kids who would be thrilled to have a 4-year college paid for, even if it wasn’t their first choice.
Your safety is SMU… right? And you got a full ride there? I think it stinks that your parents may not have been forthright about what they were willing to pay. Or maybe they just didn’t think it all the way through. But, a quarter of a million dollars is a lot of money! And, SMU is a good school. It’s certainly not “no name”.
Hey everyone thank you for the responses. Yup, I definitely concur that talking about finances before college searching started would have been a much better idea. I think a couple mistakes occurred: first, I never assumed that I was limited because I am aware of my parents’ income, and second, my parents never asked their parents to pay for any of their education (free undergrad, and then employers paid for grad) so they never assumed I would be asking them. I realize the argument I’m having with them is moot and I’ll just accept it soon enough because Duke is simply not financially reasonable. @whenhen the other school is SMU. I will make the best of it and everything will be more than alright in the end, it’s just tough for the moment.
I think they should have known that with their income they would not be getting FA, and it was unfair of them to let you apply to schools that don’t offer merit. It just set you up for disappointmet. However, I can understand them wanting you to take the free ride. Can you say what the safety is? If it’s a very good school and has what you are looking for then you could end up very happy there.
I’ve heard similar stories a few times, usually from parents don’t know much about the application process. I do understand: My mom had a “we’ll make it work” attitude, even though we’re very low-income. I received a half tuition scholarship at La Salle, so that’s where I’ll be going.
Yes, your parents should’ve spoken to you about finances. It’s too late now, so don’t dwell on the past.
I do understand their fear of co-signing, since many people are still paying off their loans at fifty!
They will pay for grad school, so you will have a choice in a few years. SMU is a great school! You’re very lucky to have received a full scholarship! You’ll graduate with no debt, which is just amazing. Congratulations!
tl; dr: Do parents who hold purse strings overrule students' wishes? <<
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yeah, they do. sorry if it’s not what you want to hear, but you don’t really have any right to expect them to fork over a quarter of a million dollars for a Bachelors, even from Duke.
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Parents, fellow students, do you think this attitude is fair?<<
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doesn’t matter what we think is fair, we’re not your parents.
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Should I get an equal say in this?<<
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do you have $250K+ to pay for Duke? No? then you don’t have an equal say. i know a lot of parents here would disagree and say they would pay anything for their child to go to Duke or an Ivy, but again, those parents are not yours
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at the brink of adulthood, the first major decision of my life leaves me out of the picture.<<
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but it’s not really your decision if it’s not your money. do you really not see that? how can you say this is your first major adult life decision while expecting to assume zero financial responsibility for it?
sounds like you’re willing to be awful generous to yourself with money that’s not your own.
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in the end they just told me they'd help me with grad school but I need to let this go.<<
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so they ARE going to help you out financially for grad school, after you use your full scholarship / full ride to SMU? that sounds like a pretty sweet deal you’ve got there.
you know, you parents seem to be doing pretty well for themselves. could it be because they are pretty smart and savvy when it comes to financial decisions? maybe they handle things bluntly but it’s hard to argue with their reasoning on this matter.
OP, make the best of the numerous opportunities present at SMU and the greater Dallas area. Get involved with clubs, go to your professor’s office hours and maybe see if you can get involved in research or some sort of project on campus. SMU has a tremendous number of opportunities that can develop your personal and/or professional interests.
In the real world of power relationships, parents have absolute veto power over their dependent-for-financial-aid-purposes student’s college choice, unless the student earns a full ride merit scholarship somewhere (like if you got the Robertson scholarship at Duke).
However, they should have told you up front last fall that you had to go to a full ride school, so that you would have known that you had to aim for the Robertson scholarship at Duke, rather than just admission, and perhaps made the rest of your application list of schools with other full ride scholarships that you like better than the one they are now forcing you to go to.
It also seems like this does not bode well for your future relationship with your parents.
literally the only thing we know about their discussions about choosing a college is this:
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My parents always say "our money, our decisions; your money, your decisions"<<
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it could be that they did not know what kind of scholarships the student would win and were willing to pay for Duke if there were no big scholarships. i believe the SMU is a competitive scholarship that was not guaranteed before applying. it could be that they discussed and OK’ed the college list, and when the student won the SMU full ride, they decided that was the right decision.
However, if the parents had told the OP that she had to go to the cheapest school possible, she could have made an application list aiming for full ride merit scholarships at lots of schools*, rather than just by chance ending up with one at SMU.
I.e. the OP’s situation is yet another example of why students and parents need to be clear about the cost constraints and parental restrictions before the application list is made.
I apologize for sounding entitled and demanding in the OPost. The main reason I was upset was not because I didn’t see 250K handed to me, it was because I felt shut out from the decision making process that many college-bound teens see as one of their first independent decisions. Of course I understand my parents POV. I said I was frustrated that they made sense. Finances weren’t discussed adequately beforehand, I admit that is largely my fault as the student. I believe my parents simply had the plan of choosing the cheapest option and paying for it (they want to help me out, but they will choose how and where to help). This will not strain our relationship thankfully, as I am upset for the moment, and probably for the next couple weeks, but I will certainly get over it, I enjoyed my visit to SMU, and my parents and I hardly fight. Duke is a dream, but it is not a necessity.
Congratulations on your awesome good fortune to get admitted into SMU with such a generous scholarship! It’s a great school in a great city. You will have blast and bright future!
