<p>In my extended family, the answer would have been considered cut and dry, rightly or wrongly. </p>
<p>Prioritize the stellar student and tell off the not as stellar student for being presumptuous when he/she has not demonstrated nearly the same level of academic achievement. If the less stellar student continues to press the issue, he/she gets nothing and is expected to find a job or enlist in the military(especially if father of said child was ex-military and the child’s male). </p>
<p>Am speaking as someone who wasn’t considered a stellar student and was fortunate enough to have earned a near-full scholly to a top-30 LAC despite having abysmal HS grades…even if it was from a urban public magnet HS well-respected by many adcoms. </p>
<p>Ended up working part-time/summer jobs and took out a small loan senior year to defray what that scholly didn’t cover so my family never had to pay a cent towards my undergrad expenses.</p>
<p>One bit of silver lining in situations where the family doesn’t provide financial support towards a child’s education…freedom from subsequent sometimes onerous expectations to support extended family members in the future financially or otherwise. Something older cousins who were provided such educational financial support are now stuck with along with their immediate family responsibilities. :)</p>
<p>I feel blessed. S1 was a bright, well rounded student who got substantial merit to a small, lesser known, fairly cheap, private school he liked. A second private and the state flagship came in doable. We crossed off two very expensive privates whose generous merit still fell short. S1 recommends that we spend more on S2 whose stats are tippy top. He says if S2 get into a great school we should try to pay as much as we can so he can benefit from the experience.</p>
<p>The issues you are having with your kids is about a lot more than just where they are going to college and college spending. Your academically less-achieving kid probably has some insecurity and jealousy.</p>
<p>Maybe you could say “we love you equally, but sometimes we can’t divide resources between you equally because of factors beyond our control. We can’t control that your sibling has been given a great opportunity which is more expensive, and we can’t control that your wants and needs for college are cheaper, and it makes no sense to send you to a more expensive college for no real reason. Instead, how about attending the less expensive state school here, and in return we can pay you help you study abroad for a semester or two?”</p>
<p>I don’t understand an approach to this that’s not equal. The 2nd kid usually does not have the same affinity for academics and yeah, it’s a genetic thing. Holding that against them is senseless. I also do not think that “working hard” in high school proves anything. My cousin has like a 1.4 and 35 ACT and gets lectured all the time by his wealthy parents “You need to prove yourself or you won’t get any help from us.” Really, he’s your kid! They’re providing for their other kids plus study abroad. They even offered to pay for my tuition, which i turned down. It’s just sad how this kind of thing leads to conflict. </p>
<p>While i ended up with a free ride anyway (minus daily expenses), my brother will surely get nothing but loans from some in-state school. I therefore encourage our parents to save for a PLUS loan and only help me out with minor purchases, although I have a job so don’t even need that now. Had I not been so fortunate, I would have preferred they contribute equally rather than whine about how I had better high school grades 3 years after the fact. Anything else, in my experience, stands to ruin relationships.</p>
<p>I agree that treating them fairly means taking into account their varying abilities. And, if your family qualifies for need-based aid, you may find that the child who excels can get more aid, so you may pay more for the child with lower grades, etc., and less for the child who excels.</p>
<p>My parents are paying for any in-state college. Any merit money I get (or my bro) we each get to keep. That’s their way of rewarding hard work. If one of us picks a more expensive college, we have to pay for it. If they have the money, they’ll help, but we have to pay them back.</p>
<p>All of this “prioritizing the smarter student” will provide tons of job security for the therapists who will have to clean up that mess. What an appalling situation to say to a kid that your self worth is dependent on your IQ. I can see not rewarding lack of effort, but if you have 2 kids who each try their best, it’s awful to suggest that you value the smarter one more.</p>
<p>Wow a fascinating range of angst and feeling on this thread. Some of have experienced a similar problem but in reverse. Our older kiddo got great merit to go to price private U, making it more affordable so tightened our belts and said “ok.” Younger kiddo wants to go to older kiddo’s U, so we let her apply and voila she’s also admitted BUT full pay. Second kiddo is not too sure of major. What do you do?</p>
<p>I know the time to talk about cash was before allowing apps, but the full pay is quite a sum. Both our family and a friend’s family chose to let younger sib be full pay at same U. We even asked our older kid if they had any feelings about younger sib being at same U and their only feeling voiced was happiness. They both have great appreciation that H and I are helpi g them attend a great U and graduate debt free. Have never heard either whisper anything about unfairness. I honestly don’t think they weigh things like that. We aren’t planning to give S the difference between what we spent on their schooling. As far as we know our friends are handling the situation similarly. Both of us fortunately have employed older kiddos now and they’re happily counting and saving their own money. </p>
<p>I know other families operate differently. Am glad ours don’t appear to counting others money. It’s a lose-lose game.</p>
<p>2 sons-oldest, very bright, went to a top 10 LAC at about $50K a year(which we paid for) and then went to medical school(which we paid for), he graduated from medical school debt free. Younger son went to a lower ranked LAC(still about $50K a year) but accepted a full ride ROTC scholarship. He asked if he could have his college fund that we had saved for over 18 years(>$100K) transferred to him upon graduation. We gladly agreed. He graduates in May and becomes a second lieutenant, is debt free and starts life with a 6 figure investment fund. Both sons happy with their present status. Oldest son doesn’t begrudge his brothers financial head start, younger son is not jealous of his ‘Doctor brother’. Worked out well for everyone.</p>
<p>What we were willing to pay for each child’s education was equal. What we actually paid was not.</p>
<p>One d had a full scholarship. She is not going to get the cash equivalent of what we spent on her sister, nor does she expect it. In fact she gets no special extras that her sister did not.</p>
<p>By not providing for them equally you will exacerbate their differences further, creating a greater divide - of your making - and harming all relationships.</p>
That is a wonderful gift to your second son, but how much did you spend on S1’s medical school education (>$200,000?). I would think that maybe someday S2 might realize (if he doesn’t already) that he didn’t get that money, but his brother did…</p>
<p>It was a Texas medical school, 4 years cost us around $120K; yes, oldest son cost us around $320K(of which $150K was his ‘college fund’) total; we have a standing offer to pay for graduate or law school for younger son if he so chooses later on, his choice. He does not expect to get paid for choices he did not make, it is just one son decided to have his college fund spent down for education, and other decided to ‘bank it’.</p>
<p>That was the basis of my snarky comment that parents will sacrifice for their children equally once the second child works equally hard as the first child. </p>
<p>Apropos of the children being treated differently thing, my siblings are getting private high school; I was told “We’ll pay for high school or pay for college, you pick.” As much as I was miserable at my public high school, I don’t begrudge private school to my siblings - they are great kids and I’ve gotten so much from my parents that it would be nothing short of spoiled brattiness to complain that I haven’t gotten enough. Maybe I haven’t been treated equally, but I’ve gotten far, far more than I deserve. </p>
<p>Yes, it’s great if parents can treat siblings equally, but it’s also the job of the kids to grow the f— up and say, “You know, my parents have made amazing sacrifices for me, and if I can’t be happy with that, I need therapy.” </p>
<p>I even know people who aren’t satisfied with being treated equally - they think they deserve more than their siblings. “Oh, I’m not married, I should inherit the house.” “I never moved out of the house, and I’ve been mooching for thirty years. I should get the house.” “I have bipolar and haven’t held a job in ten years; I need more money than those other siblings with jobs.” “I’ve been responsible; I should get more money. My siblings would just blow it all.”</p>
<p>There is a difference between treating your kids equally and treating them fairly. My parents paid for all of us to go to college and I thought my parents paid for grad school for two of my sibs. It wasn’t until I was asking my mom about what to do for my kids that I found out they didn’t (because they didn’t need to–their companies paid). It never crossed my mind that more money was being spent on my brothers because I never wanted to go to grad school and I know they would have helped me if I did. I’m happy that I have some very successful sibs, and I’m more than happy with my own life. I’d really prefer if my parents splurged more on themselves.</p>
<p>“Isn’t as smart as sibling” and “didn’t work as hard as sibling” are two COMPLETELY different concepts which are being commingled here.</p>
<p>I agree. </p>
<p>And, even the concept of one child “working harder” shouldn’t be the criteria. If I had one child who was “nose to the grindstone, head always in a book”, that wouldn’t mean that he deserves to have more money spent on him than another child who gets good grades, but is also more “well-rounded” - has friends, does a sport, does volunteer work, etc. </p>
<p>That said, if the younger child was flakey, likely to party toooooo much, and maybe flunk out, then maybe other options need to be considered…such as start at a cheaper school, prove yourself, and then transfer to a pricier school.</p>
<p>But, if the child might be worth the risk of a pricey school for frosh year, then just set parameters for that first year…such as: first year’s GPA must be at least a certain minimum (maybe 3.0 cum). Obviously, if the first semester’s grades are so dismal or disappointing that a 3.0 year’s cum is unlikely, the child comes home when that semester ends.</p>
<p>I still remember that our folks expected all 7 of us to go to public flagship and commute from home. We all applied there but one of my sibs also applied to Stanford and was overjoyed to be accepted. He was upset that the folks said no he couldn’t go. They put in a swimming pool and had other expenses. They did allow him to apply as a transfer which he promptly did and was again accepted and allowed to transfer after 3 semesters at flagship U. I and all my sibs went away for at least one or two terms to OOS U. I was so happy there I applied and got amazing merit and FAid and was allowed to transfer and remain at OOS U and graduate. We all also went to grad/pro schools. My folks offered to pay off our loans when we were done. Only one sib chose to stop after BA. She never received any cash for choosing not to get advanced degree. We all feel my folks have been more than generous. Have never known exactly how much the folks ended up paying for each of us in Ed expenses and its none of my business. All of us have good to great lives and jobs.</p>
<p>In general I find that people who go around weighing and comparing invariably feel someone or another is treated unfairly. Life is not meant to be a balancing and weighing contest. Where there is ability to pay and hard work by student we are happy to pitch in, even if it means we may pay different amounts for each kiddo.</p>
<p>My parents are having similar difficulties with myself and my twin brother (both current seniors), except that rather than wanting them to pay the same for both of us, my brother wants both of us to be able to go to the schools of our choosing, regardless of the price difference. I’ve gotten great grades all through high school, lots of ECs, etc., and I have no interest in going to a large university, but that’s fine because I have the stats to get admittance into LACs that meet 100% of financial need. My brother similarly wants to go to a smaller LAC, but he doesn’t have the stats to get into the ones that meet 100% need, so his education would actually wind up costing a lot MORE than mine. My parents want him to go to a SUNY instead, which would be much cheaper, but he says that wouldn’t be fair because I get to go to the college of my choice. But his top choice would cost us >30k/year, whereas with financial aid mine is ~10k/year.</p>
<p>Understandably, my parents are reluctant to pay 3x more for the child who hasn’t worked as hard, but at the same time, he says he’d be miserable at a huge state university, and I feel bad knowing that I can go wherever I want without worrying (or at least without worrying excessively) about being able to pay. As a National Merit Finalist, I can’t help thinking that if I would accept one of the full rides being offered to me by various large universities in which I have no interest, my brother would be able to go to a school more suitable for him. He thinks it’s not fair that I can go where I want and turn down cheaper offers, whereas he might be forced to go to wherever is cheapest despite his lack of interest – despite the fact that even his cheapest offers from SUNY are more expensive than the colleges I want to go to with the aid they’re offering. My parents ARE willing to pay the same for him as they are for me, but he can’t go anywhere but the local community college for the amount they’re paying for me.</p>
<p>Sorry to hijack the thread, but I thought that was relevant. xP</p>