Smart but unmotivated HS junior

Parents Forum
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I’ll share my experience with my S. He is very smart, had a great ACT score, great grades in the most difficult classes (honors & AP). He marched to the beat of his own drum, and he intentionally did not participate in school activities. He did a lot of music-related things outside of school, including playing in a band and mixing/recording music. I took him to visit a couple schools, but it was more like dragging. He chose 5 schools to apply to, because that was the expectation of his school, and he applied on time. I’m sure his teacher recommendations were good, because he got along well with them. I doubt that his counselor did much other than a basic recommendation for a good student. In other words, he was a smart kid with a meh application.

He was accepted to 3 schools, waitlisted at 1 and rejected from his reach. He chose a school, went there for a particular program, then decided freshman year that he didn’t want to stay in that program. It was too late to apply for transfer to the state flagship, so he applied to a nearby state school & was accepted. He enrolled fall of sophomore year, liked it well enough, and graduated with a bachelor of science (four years total for school, even with retaking a class).

He had no clue what he wanted to do, but in order to live at home, he had to work. He worked in a couple professional but not career jobs. After a year, he got hired into a lab & he worked as a chemist in a couple different industries. He worked his way into a very good position as a chemical analyst. 7.5 years after graduating, he was doing well but still didn’t know what he really wanted to do.

Last fall, a company reached out to him about a job. He interviewed, impressed them & next thing you know, he had a new job that actually excited him. He finally sees a career path with this very good company.

The point of this detailed story is to let you know that things will work out. If he is willing to go to college, help guide him to find a school that works for him. In our case, I said, “You don’t have to go to college, but if you choose not to - you will need to find a job that will support you.” I knew that a gap year was not the answer for him. My S has said many times that he’s glad he got his degree right away. He said that if he hadn’t, he’s not sure he would have gone back to school. He didn’t set the world on fire at a top school, but he got his degree. He plugged away at life, and he is doing just fine. Sometimes the path is not what we envisioned, but a kid who keeps moving along will find his own path.

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42

Just to add, there are plenty of good schools that don’t need any recommendations or essays. S23 has not asked for any recommendations or written anything other than the 4 UC prompts.

He just applied to UCs and CSUs (we are in CA) then U of Az, ASU and Utah (essays only needed for Honors college, which didn’t interest him - his aim is to do as much math/physics and as few essays as possible in college). His SAT score alone (1530) was enough to get the top merit at ASU.

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At least he doesn’t suffer from toxic perfectionism. I know a LOT of people who are crippled by that.

Your kid has brains, he has energy, he is his own guy. That combo often does very well in life.

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THIS! Some kids just don’t get wrapped up in the college search and selection process…and they still land on their feet.

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Why? Why does he need to think about this early?

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46

That’s a good place to be. :blush:

My main thought is to just let him figure it out as he goes along. If he realizes too late that he isn’t going to Harvard, it will be fine. There are so many students that fit your son’s profile: smart, coasting by, doing enough and not too much. He will end up at a school that is right for him.

I’m wondering why he needs more ECs, clubs or activities.

He is doing plenty!

Plus the bass guitar. That’s not nothing. That’s awesome. There is nothing wrong with him going to the state school. He might shine there.

Has he had any summer jobs? That’s always good on an app.

Your son sounds like a great kid who will figure it out at his own pace. But if you can persuade him to visit a college or two with a friend, that might motivate him a bit. That’s what finally got my son interested.

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47

OP says he runs with the Ivy-bound crowd but clearly is on a different path. That is fine, but it would be good for him to understand that sooner rather than later. Maybe he already does, but making sure of that now will prevent future disappointment at college admission time. There are many great schools which will be a good fit for him; they just may not be the ones his friends are going to.
The skating by on grades technique may not work so well in university so if he could acquire study habits that would be great but naybe not possible.

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From what I’ve gathered, OP’s son is smart, unmotivated and suffers from lack of direction. A bad combination. The only way to really know is to talk with the young man but I would guess that he is bored with school.

Back in the day, I was bored with high school. It didn’t provide much of a challenge, but I had motivation to do well as I knew what I wanted to do as my career. It was STEM related and I lived in the Boston area. MIT has a high school studies program, and I took part in it starting in my junior year. It provided even more motivation as I discovered that college was the stepping stone to the career I wanted and you could really immerse yourself into my chosen field. Is there a local college that he could attend that would give him an insight into potential career paths? It could provide him the motivation that he needs.

My son had some of the issues that your son has. Since he was interested in some of the same things I was, I was able to show him what he might be able to do in the future with the STEM field he showed some interest in. I also sat him down and explained that those with the good grades will get doors opened for them and those with mediocre or poor grades get the leftovers. So, if he wanted to control his future as much as he wanted to, get the grades!!! That sit down provided him some motivation. I wish it had been more but he has done well in his college and in his career, so I can’t complain too much. BTW, my son’s birthday was the last day to qualify to enter Kindergarten the year he did, so he was the youngest person in his grade. It was an issue for the first part of elementary school but not an issue after that.

If this sounds like your son, then a gap year might be exactly the wrong thing for him. He needs more of a challenge and not just an idle or “make work” year. It is hard to have meaningful work in any STEM field with just a high school education.

Another point to make is that if he was truly bored in HS, then he might not have developed the study skills necessary to do well at a top tier college. He might then struggle for the first part of college but, as long as he sticks with it, he will perform better in his upper division classes. I found it that way and struggled until I developed those study skills and time management skills.

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Lots of good advice here. I would be curious if his interest in CS leads to any type of self-motivated, independent study. Sometimes, that type of kid sees the kind of cool things that are possible, and chases them. I know a kid whose parents were exasperated about his college prep, and ultimately his college performance. He ended up dropping out and becoming a multi-millionaire in a CS field by 25.

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Your posts are always on point, but this is an especially important take. Many parents have boys that could benefit from your insights here.

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I’m yet another parent with a bright kid who was unmotivated. I honestly thought he was going to end up digging ditches. He took 2 1/2 years off after high school. He raised funds to participate in a Christian program and spent time in the Middle East. He decided he wanted to help Syrian refugees in Lebanon. A family friend he respected told him he really needed a college degree to do volunteer work overseas, so he said fine, I will go to the American University of Beirut!

He arranged his classes so that he had two or three days a week to ride his motorcycle (!!!) from Beirut to the refugee camp. He ended up graduating with honors. He met a computer science student from Syria and they are now engaged and living in Warsaw, Poland. He is writing articles for worldatlas.com and making decent money. He is fluent in Arabic and knows a good bit of French and Polish now. This is the kid who hated languages in high school and switched to Latin to get the requirement out of the way.

I wish there were some way I could express how wild this is to me. If you had told me when he was 17 that he would find his way and thrive, I would have laughed at you. I think this is true for many young men, so don’t give up hope. I would say that we found it did NOT help to push him. That always backfired. Your son sounds amazing. He will be fine. Your job is to express constant love for him. He’s likely to take suggestions and advice as criticism, so I would tread lightly if I were you.

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Yeah stepping off the ledge was a bit tongue in cheek. I might have written to stop overthinking this. For a moment, I was actually wondering if this was some kind of twisted humble brag!

I get it, you just want to talk a bit about a kid who just doesn’t fit the overachiever mould even though that’s who he’s in class with and who he actually outperforms on the ACT. Whether there is anything you can and need to do to make him fit into the mould a bit better. And the answer is, probably neither, both a good and a bad thing to hear.

You did not mention the G word, but his profile, combined with a class skip, makes me think there is probably a very high IQ score somewhere in his records. And that one of your worries is that while he may be, right now, in the classes and with the people he belongs, he may not be able to find that in college unless he steps up his hoop jumping. Which, in the US, may not be such an unreasonable concern.

You know where they love the “lazy but brilliant” stereotype? The UK. However, he’d need to decide on a subject to apply to (maths? Physics? CS?) and get at least three 5s in the corresponding AP tests. One 5 in social science might work, they won’t really care about the rest. Just a thought.

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You’re doing a great job! Alot of really bright high school boys aren’t “lazy,” they just have other things that they’re more interested in than homework and studying! But, many are late bloomers and will eventually figure things out.

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For many kids who are happy with their current lives, there is little reason to focus on their future lives. They’ve “endured” being underclassmen to get their social standing at school, leadership positions (or black belts or Eagle Scouts), and they are comfortable. Where is the joy in leaving that and starting all over again?

I’d visit a few different places that might be options to plant the seeds. Big and small, rural and urban, etc.

My kid shared with yours this lack of interest/focus on college at this point in his schooling. He agreed to a 5 day, 7 school trip over spring break to explore alternatives I chose. He didn’t come back excited about college but he had refined a bit what he was looking for and had heard the spiel about what they were looking for.

And it all had a happy ending - without the slave-ish devotion to the process that is common here on CC --, not just in terms of admissions but college itself.

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I didn’t gather that at all. What I read in the OP is that the son was not interested in the college hunt…and that so many around him (including siblings) were very on board with an extensive college search as HS juniors. The parent seems concerned that her kid isn’t doing enough…NOW.

The kid is not failing in high school…and has found time to do quite a bit of interesting things. He is what…16 or so? I say…give him a break. Lots of 16 year olds are bored with school. This one is finding lots,of things that do pique his interest.

Not every kid aspires to attend a top, elite college. And you know what? Many of them are not getting “leftovers” in terms of the colleges and careers they pursue.

College search and selection, right now, isn’t on this kids A list.

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One suggestion I would give to the OP. Do NOT discuss your son’s college search and selection process with your friends and neighbors…or relatives. Politely say “he will let you know what he is doing when the choice has been made”. Repeat as often as necessary.

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My daughter pretty much had only Varsity and AAU basketball as an EC. She stretched to fill in the blanks in the EC section with NHS and basketball related volunteering. She was a good student with a 4.0 GPA and 6/395 in her class though, but with a 1310 SAT after three tries.

She’s now a senior in Civil Engineering at VT with a 3.5 GPA and has a pathways internship (multi year) with the Fed Highway Administration that will probably lead to a permanent job offer when she graduates. She’s applied and has been accepted to an early start Masters program at VT, and will spend one more year in school.

BTW, Most young men I know are gamers. It’s just what they like to do in their free time.

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He sounds like D20’s friends from HS; her friends were mostly guys, a little quirky, smart but not overtly academic, loved gaming, ECs but not curing cancer types, not exactly sure what they wanted to study but they liked CS and maybe math. They and D20 hit the southern state college visit circuit because the parents made them go: usually UGA, Auburn, UTK, Clemson, UofSC and NCSU. You could throw in AL, UAH, UCF or FSU as well. They also did UNCC since it was in state for us. I’m guessing you’re getting a lot of “my kid” comments based on your location/school. Agree with @thumper1 ignore them; honestly, you probably won’t see most of them after your kids all graduate. There’s nothing saying he has to push for ivies, T10, T20 or even T50. To spite the stereotypical CC poster, he probably doesn’t need to apply to 10-20 schools, just 4-5 good matches and safeties. If he has no interest in applying to “elites,” he’s good. D20’s search and application process was very low key with no elite-or-bust drama; she was your average high stat/good but not great EC applicant. Instead she spent time on honors college/program applications. She wanted a bigger football type school with opportunities for smaller, more focused educational opportunities. 5 safeties/matches, 5 acceptances, easy peasy. Your son sounds great, and he will have solid options :wink:

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I know that gap years are held in high esteem by nearly everyone on here, but I want to express the opposite opinion. Gap years can be very good things for certain driven students, who approach a gap year the same way they approached school and the college application process, who work interesting worthwhile jobs that help to shape their future educational and career goals, or who travel internationally and polish foreign language skills. But there are plenty of other students who spend a gap year doing not much of anything worthwhile, especially the ones who weren’t already mature, driven, goal-oriented planners. That year off from academics can lead to them falling off the academic treadmill, without having gotten a degree. They may not be able to get themselves back into the rhythm of school after their gap year. My own kid had a very strong non-academic interest/talent and was young for their year. When offered a gap year doing professional studies with a Master in that interest, partly in order to avoid starting during pandemic restrictions, they adamantly refused, because they were afraid they might have trouble getting back into the swing of academics.

Just because a young man is a B student academic underachiever does not mean that he needs a gap year.

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Agree! Many kids just come into their own in college.

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