First of all, thanks to everyone for the answers! Very encouraging posts. CC is so cool. I will do some research about gap year options. I agree that he might need more time to figure things out. But he’ll need to find something he’d be interested in doing during a gap year or another type of break…and I suspect I’d get the same “I dunno” from him! He likes school so it might end up being he goes to school close by and then if that lightbulb goes off, he can do college apps part 2 and transfer.
8 Likes
Sounds like my S24, guess what he likes? Flying an airplane! And guess what, all the major airlines dropped their 4 year degree requirements. Maybe he’d like to fly! It’s an amazing career! My hubby was the same way in HS and is a succesfull 30+year Captain at a major airline. And he was not military.
All flight schools have Discovery flights.
4 Likes
I think your son is going to do well in life. As others have mentioned, your kid sounds pretty impressive. Between the martial arts, scouting, viola, and self-teaching himself another instrument, he has lots of extracurriculars and he has a super high test score. Just because he’s not pulling down an unweighted 4.0 GPA is just fine. As someone upthread mentioned, you may take a look at some signs of ADHD and see if any of them ring any bells. If so, you may want to have your son tested to see if some of his executive functioning issues are due to a neurological difference or if it’s more about maturity.
Interestingly, Georgia State made it to two different lists of the best colleges for undecided students (list 1, list 2), so that should probably merit a visit. Georgia College & State would be another one. I’m not sure how U. of Georgia would work out, though I suspect that Georgia Tech might be unlikely (but I think would be worth a visit to see how he likes the idea of a tech school). Visiting Oglethorpe might be good as it’s a small school. Between those, you’d cover small, medium, and large schools.
This might be another interesting list to browse, just to see if it sparks any ideas: 50 Underrated Colleges Doing Great Things | Features Rankings
For instance, Eckerd (FL) and Hendrix (AR) both popped as schools that I think could be interesting for your son. (Eckerd because of its focus on the outdoors and “think outside” perspective and Hendrix’s focus on experiential learning.) Elon (NC, not on the list) also gets lots of praise on the CC boards and might worth investigating as a possible option.
1 Like
Similar to my S23 too (including Calc BC as a junior and enjoying Latin, NM Commended but only 3.7UW GPA), who has ADHD.
Since you mentioned large state school and a military parent, don’t overlook Utah which grants automatic residency to kids from military families, making it very economical (~$25K/year). D18 went there and had a great time and S23 might follow.
4 Likes
I am a believer that you can’t make someone excel in anything they don’t want to. I had a friend who told me something before my kids got to HS. Your job as a parent is to ensure your kids can score like 27-30 on say the ACT. For them to go higher they have to want to do it themselves. My D19 got a 34. D23 rolled around and got a 31. We told her it would be a good idea to prep all summer and try to get a higher score in the early fall. We did not make her prep. Well she didn’t improve. Then she showed us and went out a got a full ride at state directional, which she accepted because she wants to be a teacher and doing it as cheaply as possible is important.
D23 also was slow to filling out the apps in the fall. We legit had to sit her down and almost threaten her. D19 was totally opposite. If you had talked to me in mid Oct I was not a happy camper, she didn’t have the scores I wanted her to have and she not filling out apps. But in the end she did great in the whole process.
Kids will end up where they should be. Us parents don’t have as much control as we would like. My advice is provide him with all the info you can and go from there. You might need one come to Jesus meeting where you get a little crazy. You just can’t do that all the time.
2 Likes
I teach in a second degree program where 90% of my students were not totally sure what they wanted to do with their lives in undergrad and simply got a degree in something that semi-interested them. He doesn’t need to choose a major as a 16 or 17 year old with a year of high school left. My son had little clue to where his closest friends were even thinking about applying to until fall of senior year.
I’d start with a conversation such as what do you NOT want to do after you finish high school. If you can, maybe tour a small school and a larger school and see what he feels would be a better fit for him.
As for Letters of Recommendation, I wouldn’t worry about those right now. My son has had plenty of quirks but luckily teachers see through things.
Please do not view your son as a failure right now. Yes you may have to do a bit more of the legwork in the beginning to give financially affordable options, but he will likely give input when he has to. Right now, everything is hypothetical and far in the future to him.
ETA: My son already has a half off tuition offer to play esports. Many colleges are now giving scholarships. It isn’t totally crazy.
3 Likes
? Come to Jesus meeting? The kid sounds great. He’s not caught up in the “I’ve known ever since I was 8 years old that I wanted to be an orthopedic surgeon focusing on hip replacements” game, which is so refreshing. This kid is NOT flunking out. If there are substance issues- the parent didn’t mention that. The kid is NOT isolated in the basement making Tik-Tok’s and setting the house on fire.
The kid is an accomplished musician, black belt, boy scout, teaching himself guitar.
What the heck is wrong with that?
I maintain that the best motivator is NOT visiting colleges (which it seems is not all that interesting to the kid right now) but visiting places that ARE of interest. He likes Latin- has he been to the rare book room at a library, or attended an auction of medieval books, or been to a museum to read the Latin inscriptions in an illuminated volume? He thinks he wants to take physics next year- has he been to a planetarium, a science museum? He is clearly good at music- has he been to a museum with a collection of 18th century string instruments, or a concert of a piece he loves which is played with the original orchestration? Does he read???
One of my kids was the “all these colleges look the same” type of kid. And truth be told- that ain’t wrong in a certain sense. Urban colleges all talk about how easy it is to get free concert tickets and passes on the bus system and subways so you can be part of the city. Suburban colleges all talk about the great hangouts within walking distance- as if one town’s Chipotle or Panera is meaningfully different from anyone else’s. Rural colleges talk about the rah-rah and excitement before a major sports competition, and the buses they charter before Thanksgiving to get kids home.
Until the kid gets excited-- hey, this university has its own nuclear reactor! This college has the largest collection of Houdini ephemera in the world! This college teaches an entire poetry seminar in Klingon! This university has a cross-registration program with the University of Rome where the students are creating an online index of the Latin works in the Vatican library! This college hosts a boy scout troupe for kids growing up in homeless shelters and they want me to help develop an outreach plan! doesn’t seem random visits right now will be too illuminating.
5 Likes
I agree - your kid sounds amazing and I certainly wouldn’t call him unmotivated. An unmotivated kid does NOT get a black belt, work on Eagle Scout, have numerous musical accomplishments…So he doesn’t get straight A’s. So what? So he slides through class a bit - maybe he’s bored? He clearly gets motivated when it’s something he’s interested in - and really that’s all he needs. He can get into a solid college with his profile. He’ll goof off through freshman year requirements, then find a subject he loves, major in it, and excel in ways you can’t even imagine. That’s my prediction. Really, he sounds like he’s doing great.
2 Likes
Your son already has a lot of EC’s going on, especially if the 2nd degree black belt involves teaching/instructing/mentoring more junior martial arts students…if that is the case, then there’s your leadership skills right there. “Leadership” on a college app doesn’t always equal “president of such and such club.”
I’m going to ‘think out loud’ on your situation for a moment here…
- maturity could be part of the situation. Especially if, for example, he’s got peers at school who were, let’s say, turning 17 at the start of the school year in September, whereas your son maybe doesn’t turn 16 until late spring of this year. There’s a lot of development that happens in a teenage brain in that time frame.
- would having a ‘gap year’ fix the ‘problem’? Not necessarily. Definitely not if that ‘gap year’ is going to mean “sit at home, work part time, and goof off.” Nor should ‘gap year’ be the answer if he’s going to wander aimlessly around traveling and not actually doing anything worthwhile.
- you need to take him on some college tours. Our school’s counselor recommended to start out going on ONE large school tour nearby, and then find 1 small school to go visit, too. And by ‘small school’, maybe pick a liberal arts college if one is within easy driving distance of you. Preferably go when the college classes are in session, so your son will be able to see students on campus, see them in the student union, etc.
- My D24 is a ‘young’ 11th grader. She doesn’t turn 17 until 3 weeks AFTER the current school year ends. Meanwhile, 1 of her friends turned 17 at the beginning of last summer…so a year older in age essentially. D24 didn’t really start giving much of a rip about college until she actually saw the inside of a dorm room when I dragged her on a tour of ASU (we’re in AZ) last summer on 1 of their half-day open house events.
- AFTER seeing the inside of the dorm room, suddenly it all clicked and she realized, “OH! THIS is where I could be living.”
- BEFORE the 1st tour (and the 2nd one, which we did at UofA last Oct), I asked D24 if she had any questions she wanted to get answered that day. She said no.
- BEFORE each tour, I purposely don’t offer my opinion to my kid on ANYTHING.
- AFTER the day is finished at that college, I ask D24 what SHE thinks. Then I let her talk. If she doesn’t say much, I ask her to name 3 things that she liked and 3 things she didn’t like…I’ve found that’s a pretty good conversation starter for her on this topic.
- THEN I offer up my purposely middle-of-the-road opinion. So far, this method appears to work for my kid. Your mileage may vary.
- at the suggestion of somebody on the “HS Class of 2024 3.0-3.4 GPA” thread, I started doing 15-20 min sit-down sessions each week w/D24. I don’t bug her about college the rest of the week. We ONLY talk about college during that 1x/wk time slot. D24 needed some structure, so I started giving her a couple of ‘assignments’ each week. So far, it’s mostly involved looking up the major requirements for different majors at certain colleges that we are eye’ing. I’ve given her a spreadsheet to fill out, and a link to where to find the major info for each school.
- prior to the spreadsheet, in 1 of our 1st 15 min ‘sessions’, I sat her down and explained at a high level “here’s how college websites are laid out and here’s how to find info you need.”
Other stuff to consider:
- find out what his favorite subjects are right now in HS. Then point him to a few different majors at ANY college. Tell him to go look up the graduation requirements for those majors at that college. Make him write it down somewhere. If he’s like D24, then he’ll balk and complain at first, but after a session or 2 of doing this, then he will be able to see the differences between the majors right in front of him on the computer screen.
- if your kid is into…I don’t know…let’s say anime, take a moment to go to any college website and show him how to find out what types of clubs are currently available at that campus.
- if your HS has Naviance, then walk him through how to use it. Explain what the data means and how to interpret it.
- ask him some questions like “Have you thought about whether you might want to go out of state for college?” or ask him what sort of weather he’s looking for. He’ll probably say “Eh, I dunno.” And that’s ok to not know right now.
- explain to him at some point that some colleges have a wide open ‘general ed’ curriculum (aka open curriculum) whereas w/other colleges, there’s less wiggle room. And that even if you end up at 1 of the colleges in the latter category, there’s still a lot of personal choice that you have. This is where looking at the general ed requirements of a college together online (you & S24) will help. For example, “S24, College X says that you have to take a history class. Here’s the list of history classes that would fill that requirement at College X. Hey, you’re really into underwater basketweaving…check it out…they have a History of Underwater Basketweaving that would fulfill this general ed requirement here.” By comparison, my D26 is REALLY into WWII history…she wants a college that has a history class that’s ENTIRELY about WWII.
2 Likes
Sounds like the kind of kid who will double major in math and comp sci and do very well for himself after college.
If your flagship in-state is good for him, and the money works for you, then who cares if he doesn’t go through an involved college app process? Not everyone has to consider 200 schools initially, and then pare it down to “only” 20 schools.
3 Likes
1 more thing…you should start listening to the “Your College Bound Kid” podcast. It’s awesome.
Sounds like a guy…My son is very similar. I would recommend the same strategy as for everyone else. Visit some schools, apply to a few sure admissions, have him pick a few match or reaches, and add a parents’ choice. He sounds like he’d make a great college student.
My son refuses to do busy work. His grades are passable only due to quizzes and exams. 
Fortunately he has a lot of guy teachers this year that kind of get him (and a lot of others too). You’re not alone.
My adhd son who struggled with executive function decided his #1 choice was an in state flagship, applied ED, got accepted, was done the day after thanksgiving. Got a degree in finance, a job offer before graduation (during Covid) and has a great well paying job he enjoys. So easy!
3 Likes
Just chiming in with a kid a few years out from this. Your kid sounds great. My younger son was very smart . He just wasn’t that intersted in homework or competing to be at the top of his class. He did very well in the classes he was interested in (like AP physics) but had no interest in calculus in high school. I couldn’t understand why he said he wanted to study engineering in college when he didn’t even want to take calculus!
But, he was an Eagle Scout, and an all state athlete. He liked violin too and was second chair! He had other fish to fry and I had to accept that he was not going to be the top student in high school that his older brother was. It is sometimes hard to live up to older siblings if they are very accomplished.
Son graduated Magna Cum Laude in engineering and has a great job with published research under his belt. Who would have thunk it!
Again, your son sounds great. Lots of late bloomers out there! Good luck!
4 Likes
Wow, I wish I could reply to everyone’s thoughtful posts.
I need to preface that everything I say has a level of amusement built in. I think one of the replies said I need to step off the ledge and another said I view him as failure. No panic and anger here! Amused exasperation is closer to it. Our kid makes us laugh a lot with his weirdness. We kind of encourage it. He’s so blah about things but he’s a happy kid.
The goal is to get him thinking about this early. His sister is a senior now and is waiting for 3 RDs, but has great options if she doesn’t get into any of them. CC has been great for getting the proper perspective. It’s been a good experience for her and we’d like to do that again - get into some places EA/rolling and then assess if he wants to go for some reaches. But she has a much clearer idea of what she’s interested in, distance from home, setting, size, good or bad that she will know people there, and talking to her is a nice rational exercise. My son thinks we’re speaking another language. He does have a lot going for him and that’s half the problem! He can pick anything, but I don’t want to make these decisions for him. He needs to be able to write a college essay and then those supplemental essays…what is he going to write about if he’s so disengaged from the process and what he wants out of it?
We’re in a competitive HS and he tracks with those kids gunning for the Ivies, but with low effort, so it’s just a weird place to be as parents. Are we supposed to push harder? Leave it alone? Shouldn’t he be in Robotics? All the kids his age have already made Eagle Scout! We’re simultaneously doing too much and doing too little.
5 Likes
Agree with what everyone else says: he’s doing great (and he really doesn’t sound lazy). His ECs are fine and don’t worry about leadership or teacher recommendations. Leadership needs to come naturally, not for college apps late in high school, and not everyone has a leadership role. (FYI my son had way less ECs but was an Eagle Scout, was not a standout student, didn’t have any special relationships with teachers, was just a get-along, happy guy) and his college admissions went very well). Please don’t be skewed by all 4.0+ students you will read about on CC or otherwise who are putting boatloads of time and effort into their college search and apps…that’s fine, but there are tons and tons of kids out there just like yours who get in to a great fit and thrive with way less effort!
By the way, I was at a talk by Dr. Lisa Damour who is an adolescent psychologist, and she talked about the phenomenon she sees of boys putting in less effort, less stress and, for example, getting a B instead of an A, and she kind of said like what’s wrong with that, really…is being stressed and anxious and overworking and getting As necessarily better? (That’s a paraphrase and a generalization, but hopefully you get the point).
Maybe start by asking him if he wants to go to college straight out of high school. Another easy option is this quiz about college types (5 min), just to get some wheels turning. College Matchmaker Quiz: Find Your Perfect Fit With my similar son, we took a tour of a nearby college that he wasn’t really interested in, just, again, to start to make it real and think about what he might want or NOT want. As his friends were really talking more about college and apps, my son came to it in his own time, applied, chose a major, and got into a great school that he has loved and is about to graduate from. He just now figured out his next career step/path for grad school, so he’s on his own timeline again and will take a gap year, but that’s fine, because he’s feeling really great about it, he needed that extra time.
1 Like
I once again relate to this so much. There’s a gap for my kiddo in terms of what he could have done in h.s. versus what he did (both grades and activities). It’s hard as a parent to know deep down that they could have done more, but essentially chose not to.
That said, I worked my butt off during childhood and was obsessed (and I mean obsessed) with getting straight As. I think my son’s casual approach is probably a lot healthier. You said your kiddo is happy, and he’s clearly loved. That’s what matters.
1 Like
You as parents are doing just fine. Read your user name again.
My kid is a natural writer. College “essays” are not some huge research paper. They are literally just a few paragraphs. The joy of not being a perfectionist is that my son put his together within a weekend and was content with them. He wasn’t aiming for any T50 schools so no huge stress. My kid was honest that he didn’t have his life figured out yet and that was okay.
Supplemental essays, not all colleges ask for them or even require them.
His sister going through it now, what is his opinion of her choices?
1 Like
Having parented children of both genders… you do realize that it’s completely unrealistic to think that your son- who is young for his grade-- is going to be as on top of things as his older sister, right? If you had seen my D’s process compared to my son’s, you’d have thought they were raised in completely different homes by completely different people.
I don’t think you are doing too much and doing too little, but I do think that boys in particular are adept at changing the channel (to use an oldie but goodie metaphor) if they don’t like the show that’s on. Or skipping the boring commercials. It took me a long time to realize that this particular son hadn’t taken my advice (or my nagging, in his words) in many, many years. Just a lot of head nodding and “mom, great suggestion”. And then did whatever the heck he wanted.
So if he’s not listening to what you’re saying, stop talking. Getting a job- an old fashioned, menial, wearing an ugly uniform job is great to force his hand- you don’t want an education? Get used to this. Or go to trade school and learn how to be a plumber (not a bad option these days). Expose him to as many interesting things/cool situations as possible (I mentioned a few upthread) to expand his horizons. A kid who hasn’t traveled much who hears “we have an exchange program overseas” might be thinking “why the heck would I do that?” if they don’t realize you could live in Edinburgh! Singapore! Sydney! Florence! A kid who looks at his sister and thinks “it’s great she’s put so much time and effort into college… boy, that ain’t me” is not going to be open to the reminders, the nagging, the “let’s get on track here because the essays need to be done this summer”. It’s just not. So stop talking for now.
Don’t worry about an essay topic. if he gets a job selling frozen yogurt, he can write a heck of an essay about yogurt. If he hears a Bach concerto performed with the original instrumentation he can write a heck of an essay about his viola and his conductor and his love of music. Or why he no longer loves music. Or why the pianoforte is so much cooler than a contemporary piano.
The essays will come. And a kid who is working towards Eagle Scout is JUST as accomplished as a kid who has already finished-- he’s just on a different trajectory and that’s really ok.
Has he picked a project yet??? Those make great college essays.
Doesn’t seem so unusual to me.
Perhaps a part time job would be good - some professional responsibility.
I found with both my kids, getting paid is great but having taxes taken out wakes them out - and we’ve started having discussions about - you know, the mortgage is this much and credit card is that much and dad has to make X $ to pull this off.
With that comes some pride, etc.
Most colleges btw - don’t care about ECs.
With a 36 ACT, he’ll get some solid merit offers from schools like Bama or UAH or Ms State, etc.
But frankly - a more structured school might be better. Or maybe a school that requires co ops - a Drexel for example - because again, mixing work with school might bring it more persepctive to the overall situation, etc.
The undecided part wouldnt’ worry me at all - but a large public might - as he wouldn’t get the engagement he wants and he might need mentors/counselors, etc.
Best of luck to him.