So.... a paradigm shift

Parent Cafe
1

My son just finished his freshman year at a small private college about 3 hours from here. He had a great year, and grew up so much!! It was absolutely the right choice…

For his freshman year.

Last night he announced that he wants to transfer to the local SUNY college. He has a few reasons:, in no particular order

  • He really wants a car,
  • His old school was small and he wants a larger school.
  • He likes having money in his pocket; if he stays home he can keep his job. (He got a raise yesterday. That probably helped.)
  • His two best friends from high school stayed home-- one works. The other is majoring in the same thing at the same school my son is considering. He says he’s really enjoying hanging out with them again.
  • He doesn’t want to be buried in debt, and he sees the strain that his tuition would place on our family.

A year ago, we were all positive that his school was the right choice–and it was. He knows that he can make it on his own, make friends and find his way. But apparently, this is now the right choice. His reasons are well thought out. He’s going toward something, not away from something.

It’s kind of late to transfer for the fall, so if he has to, he’ll take a semester off and start in the spring. He’ll start the ball rolling on that-- and on leaving his old school-- on Monday. In the meantime, we told him to take the weekend and really think this out.

And, of course it does bring up the question of what his sister will do. She’s a HS Junior, and desperately wants a car. My husband is adamant that you don’t need a car if you’re going away to school… but he’s not walking a mile home from high school. I wonder whether she would consider getting her AS either at our local Community College or at the same SUNY as her brother, and then transferring.

Needless to say, I was up all night pondering the possibilities. Not worrying-- there’s nothing wrong. But pondering.

I’m proctoring a test this morning, I’ll certainly have lots to consider.

2

My nephew has a ton of friends who went away to school and then transferred back to the state school. Money never seemed to be the reason, but the state school is usually cheaper, transportation is definitely cheaper (it’s about 45 minutes away), and just overall easier.

For me, the size of the school does make a big difference. What seems cozy to a 17 year old high school student might seem claustrophobic to an 18 year old college student.

3

Kids do change and grow up. What was the right school for a freshman, might not be such a good fit for four years. I don’t know that I like all your son’s reasons, but I do understand them.

My kids walked to and from a high school that was close to a mile and half away. I do know that by senior year, they got rides from friends fairly frequently. The younger kid at 25 just got his first car, because living in Boston and near NYC he’s always had good access to public transportation.

FWIW I had a friend who started out at Swarthmore, thought it was too small and transferred to Harvard. She thought Harvard was too impersonal and transferred right back to Swarthmore.

4

“He really wants a car”

I’m not getting the car thing. Is the idea that he’ll live at home and use the car to commute?
Not sure if the want of a car is the best factor to use to decide on one’s college education.

“He likes having money in his pocket; if he stays home he can keep his job.”

Did he not work while in college his freshman year?

5

Most of these don’t seem like the best reasons to me. Car, friends at home, money in his pocket – I’d probably push back on my kid if that were the reasons they were giving. Small size maybe – but lots of LAC kids go abroad or off campus for all or part of junior year. I’d tell him he should go back for soph year, and apply as a transfer for the next fall if he still wants to. But I’d also encourage him to visit the study abroad office and see what options there are there. I’d also encourage him to approach a prof to see if there are any oppportunities to help with research of some kind – that is one of the great benefits of an LAC, and can really transform the experience for some kids.

6

You do not perceive a problem, so I am wondering if you posted this just to make sure? To me, this seems like homesickness in some ways- a desire to stay home, be with old friends, and keep a job close to home. I think that is fine, but that it would be helpful to know if that is what he is feeling.

The financial side of thing is the most convincing, to me. If he is accumulating debt at the small school where he is now, but would not accumulate debt at the SUNY. Is there a large difference in cost?

Sometimes making a small school work involves going deep rather than wide, so to speak :slight_smile:

The car thing- for both kids-mystifies me as a priority, but I didn’t have a car until my mid-30’s and lived in cities. Have you considered what he would want if he COULD have a car at the small school? Would this change his mind? Can he pay for it or would you help?

Was the offer of a car only if they live at home based on financial limitations, meaning savings living at home versus cost of living on a campus? I know people who have used that as a bribe to get kids to stay home and go local. Is it possible that this is what the offer of a car if living at home, amounts to?

I would base the decision on what he would do if he could have a car at the small school, as a way of subtracting that factor from the equation.

It sounds as if he has not made good friends at college who rise to the level of friendship at home and that he has also not gotten work near campus. If you subtract these factors, what would the decision be?

I strongly recommend against taking a semester off. Young people sometimes get off track with a break like that. You know him best but he seems headed in a direction of working and not going back. Just an intuition from what you have posted and you know best but there is a hint of something regressive here.

Finally I am wondering how well the freshman year did, in fact, go and if he is not telling you something.

On the face of it this initially seemed fine but many of us have kids who did this kind of thing only because of some big problem, so I may be biased. An unexpected change in plans can be a red flag. If loans are burdensome, that is the best reason. Otherwise get your husband to either withdraw the offer of a car if the son lives at home (or daughter) Or offer it regardless of where they go, because the net effect is a huge incentive to be home!

7

Is his idea that you would provide the car itself, insurance, repairs, etc? Could he work his current job and still have enough time for school? Would they let him work part time, and if so would he make enough $$? Could he get a 10-15 hr per week job at his current school? Would he still want to do this if one or both of his pals decided to leave the area?

Not being buried in debt is a good reason. The others I have my doubts about.

Does he plan to live at home the entire 3 years? have you talked about the terms under which he could do that? Visitors, curfew, household contributions of any kind? If he plans to move into shared housing after a while, who is going to pay for that?

I would suggest that he audit a few classes he would be likely to take at the SUNY this summer before making up his mind, as well as discussing the points above. (And probably more.)

8

Depending on his major and the way the two schools schedule classes, missing a single semester might not be a good idea.

The problem is that in some colleges and some majors, crucial courses are taught in two-semester sequences. If you haven’t taken Organic Chemistry 1 (which is only taught in the fall), you can’t take Organic Chemistry 2 (which is only taught in the spring).

So a kid who skips one semester may find it impossible to finish his major in eight semesters of college. The expense of a ninth semester might be necessary.

Your son might want to look at the class schedules for people in his major at both colleges to see whether this is a problem. If it is, he might need to consider the option of being out of school for a full year rather than a single semester.

9

I assume he is already scheduled for classes in the fall at his current school. I would encourage him to go back for fall semester while working on his transfer for spring semester. That way he starts his new school at the same time he would but he won’t lose a semester by sitting out.

10

I agree with the above posters that the car, job, high school friends reasons don’t seem like good ways to choose a college education. Cost and deciding he prefers a larger school are good reasons. Although, I have a question about his sudden preference for a larger school. Can he articulate good reasons why a larger school would be better distinct from THIS particular SUNY? I.E., is he backing into the preference for the larger school because the school that gets him the car, job and high school friends is a big one? Or would he be looking for a bigger school to transfer to, even if he didn’t have the local option that provides car/job/high school friends?

11

I actually disagree with the above posters. His reasons are his reasons and his feelings should not be devalued because some people on the internet don’t like his reasons. It’s a personal decision and economically it makes sense. I stand by my above post though in that he should consider going back for fall semester while working on his transfers. That also will give him more time to think about it.

12

Did he make friends at his college? Did he do well academically? If so, then I can’t help think that wanting to come home and commute is a kind of regression. I think it all depends on how his first year went. Was he lonely? Have a bad roommate? Did he make housing plans with someone he liked for next year? He can always get a job on campus if he wants extra money. Finally, is this SUNY equally as good or better than the private school?

13

If he had made a different decision last year, no one would have questioned his desire to go to college locally and save money, be with his friends, be around his siblings and things he knows. Maybe he did like his LAC but just doesn’t think it is worth the price. My sister made this decision many years ago and switched from Middlebury to Wisconsin. She liked Midd, had a lot of friends there, but it was just so expensive (long before the days of good financial aid) and a real hassle to get to. Many of her high school friends were at Wisconsin, it was closer to home and it was a whole lot easier to drive 2 hours than to travel for 10+ to get to the middle of nowhere. Never regretted the decision.

Another reason the OP didn’t list but may be valid is whether her son feels like the poor kid at the LAC. My sister did. It was tough to find a job in a small town, and many of the other kids were pretty wealthy. She was poor in Madison, but so were a lot of other students. She could easily find jobs and had enough money for a beer or pizza (especially since beer was 50 cents). It is not fun to be the one who can’t afford to go skiing or on spring break to Florida when everyone else is going somewhere fun.

14

I don’t think there is anything wrong with any of his reasons. He tried the residential part of college and found out, while he was fine with it, it wasn’t worth the trade offs he made. He now wants to do what the vast majority of kids do: commute from home, have an outside job, and have a life both in and out of a college setting. As long as he can get the degree he wants,good for him.

15

He had a great year. He made friends, he tried new things, he enjoyed himself and did well academically. He learned how to take Amtrak to Penn Station, then take the LIRR home. He DJ’ed one night a week. He played deck hockey. He went to a Phillies game. He briefly considered playing rugby, then changed his mind on that. But he was open to new experiences, which is what I was hoping for when he went away.

But he sees the amount of money that 4 years in a private university would cost, and simply sees this as a more cost effective way of getting his degree. He can do the next three years at SUNY (20 minutes away, hence the car) for a little more than ONE SEMESTER at his old school would cost. Throw in the cost of a decent used car, and we’re still light years ahead financially, and he has no additional debt upon graduation. He has friends in both places. He has a job at home where the manager likes him and has given him the hours he requested this summer, as well as a $2 per hour raise. His old school was pretty remote, and he had no luck finding a job. Living at home, he’ll have money in his pocket and the transportation to enjoy it.

Both schools have his major: criminal justice.

Had he chosen this last year, it would have been fine with us. But he really wanted to go away and spread his wings. Having done that, he now wants a larger school, and has found one that is far less expensive as a bonus.

As to why I posted… you’re right, I’m not looking for approval. With all due respect, I’m a big girl and don’t run decisions by strangers before making them. (Besides, this one’s not my call, it’s my son’s.)

But I suspect that my son isn’t the only kid in America making a similar choice this summer. And it was early on a Saturday morning-- I really couldn’t call any of my friends before leaving for work. It was college related, so I figured I would post it.

It’s been a curious mix of reactions, and that’s what happens when you post on a message board. Thanks for offering them.

16

Best wishes to your son @bjkmom.

17

Thanks. I’m confident that he’ll land on his feet.

And it’s a learning experience for me as well, one that will make me a better teacher to the high school kids I deal with each day. Each step – and the occasional misstep–along the way that my own kids have taken has helped me in that regard.

18

With more information on finances, this seems like a good step.

I still think the offer of a car if he is home but not at the LAC might be an incentive, but now that we know the overwhelming financial argument for staying home, it all make sense- if the debt was his or if the cost was burdensome for your family.

If you post with incomplete information (we had no info on how he had fared at school) you will sometimes get responses that don’t reflect what you are hoping for. I for one am glad he had such a good year and wish him and you good luck with the new circumstances.

Finally, why did you post this actually?! Was the post intended to show a path for others?

19

@bjkmom, I disagree with the posters who question your son’s reasons for transferring. My son had an opportunity to attend a small LAC with guaranteed transfer to Columbia, but he chose our local SUNY for the same reasons your son is considering one (Stony Brook?). Fit matters. He rejected all the colleges that accepted him, took a gap year, and applied only to our local SUNY and a cc. He’s a rising junior and he couldn’t be happier.

He’s getting a great education. He can spend his summers working, traveling, and doing internships. He and his friends travel over winter break to see college friends in other parts of the country. He’ll graduate with no debt. Choosing a less expensive college reduced the financial strain for us too. His choice didn’t have anything to do with homesickness or concerns about being away from home. It was about freedom, flexibility, current and future disposable income, and fit. All are valid reasons to choose one school over another.

Why would a change in your son’s college choice have an affect on your daughter during high school? We bought our son a car to commute to college, but even if our daughter had been closer to him in age (she’s several years younger) she still wouldn’t have gotten a car in high school. I would offer your daughter the same opportunities you offered your son. Set a budget, and if she can get into an affordable residential college and wants to attend, I’d let her go. But I wouldn’t get her a car at 17 just because her 19-year-old brother is getting one.

20

I would also like to offer your son best wishes. If my child did this I would be upset and a bit taken back… However… once I had a chance to digest it I would come to realize that it’s OK. Kids do change. Your son is not the only one who has made this choice and he will be fine. Once again best wishes yo your son.