<p>On your applications let colleges know of the situation (especially on CSS/FAFSA forms) so that they know if your performance slides etc. you have a good reason. Keep pushing.</p>
<p>Op- are you members of a church or other religious organization? If so, please encourage your mom to reach out to one of the professionals there immediately. My synagogue helps support a “free loan society” which was begun by immigrants over 100 years ago in my town to help the newly arrived establish businesses or just get on their feet. Many communities have them. We lend people money all the time and there is minimal paperwork and the process is highly confidential and quick. We don’t ask too many questions and our repayment rate is close to 100% since people are grateful to have quick and discreet access to emergency funds.</p>
<p>This can be a bridge to get your mom through the next few weeks until whatever benefits she’s entitled to from the state kick in. She needs to be proactive and find out what kind of assistance is available. Once all the bills are overdue and the landlord is upset is too late to start the process. So encourage her to pick up the phone or head to your city’s social services office to sit down with a professional to review her options. If she needs you to help with paperwork that’s fine, but she’s an adult and is the person who needs to sign the forms and use her own social security number.</p>
<p>Then- you need to take a deep breath and get back to business. Your savings are of little use to your family although it seems like a lot of money for a household in crises. You can buy a few months- but not fix the problem- with your college fund. So rather than buying a few months- get your mom over to meet with social services and get back to finishing your applications.</p>
<p>Make sure your guidance counselor at school knows about your mom’s job loss. If your school system has a social worker or psychologist, enlisting his or her help is a good idea as well. These are people who know of resources in your state that you may not know about (programs which pay for a course to retrain your mom for other types of employment, free legal assistance in case she needs a lawyer to negotiate with creditors, landlords, former employer, etc.) The important thing here is for you to keep your eye on the ball- finishing your college applications - while enlisting as much help as possible from knowledgeable adults who get paid to help families like yours. Don’t waste a month making phone calls- but if you can let a few concerned adults in your life know that your college plans have become unraveled due to your situation at home, they can do the complicated pieces (filling out forms, calling grant officers at foundations, etc.) while you finish the applications.</p>
<p>You have the months of January and February to fret. So don’t do that.</p>
<p>Let us know how we can help you. You will do remarkable things in life but YOU MUST GET TO COLLEGE.</p>
<p>OP,</p>
<p>In your situation, the $7000 you saved for college that may have to be diverted to take care of the family crisis does not really have an impact on your ability to attend college because in top colleges, your/your family’s situation will qualify you for a near full ride financial aid package.</p>
<p>What’s more of an issue is, whether you feel compelled to give up your dream so that you can stay locally for your mother and other family members and take care of them in situ on an on going basis. This, I think you must NOT do, and I can’t hardly stress enough. Even if you are so altruistic that your goal in life is to take care them, you need to go to college so that you are in a better position to take care of them. See, even if it’s for them, you should go to college. that said, you need to live your life. Yes, help others when you can, but there is nothing wrong with living one’s life. A little bit of selfishness is actually healthy in a situation like this.</p>
<p>Another point of view: I am a mother of two sons. In my case, it will simply, literally, kill me to watch them give up their dream so that they can take care of me and follow me on the path of long and slow decline in life’s journey. So, your mother may not even want to be taken care of by you while you gave up a promising path.</p>
<p>I genuinely feel for you. Hugs and good luck!</p>
<p>nattilee,</p>
<p>You are smart. You love your mother. There is a very real and immediate crisis.</p>
<p>Now: Stop. Breath. Think. This is very difficult to do, even for people with much more experience than you have. But try. Please.</p>
<p>Over the long term, you can do more for her and for yourself with an education.</p>
<p>There are social safety nets for your mom. They are not perfect. They are not easy. But your best bet is to get out and educate yourself. This will enable to help your mother much more, too.</p>
<p>This may be very difficult; but do take the long view.</p>
<p>My very best,</p>
<p>Mafool</p>
<p>Nattilee - You have a very good chance of success in the Questbridge program, but as you probably know, it isn’t a sure bet. You are a strong candidate because of your academic talent and also your determination amidst difficult life circumstances, and many colleges that offer excellent financial aid will be ready to admit you. You need to have schools on your list that are not high reaches, and that you apply to outside of Questbridge, just in case you are not accepted through that program. You can get fee waivers with the help of your guidance counselor.</p>
<p>Here are some suggestions for you to consider in addition to your QB schools: Macalester, Bates, Grinnell, St. Olaf. All of these schools meet 100% of demonstrated financial need, and they have some attributes in common with the schools you’ve chosen, but they’re not quite as selective as those schools.</p>
<p>Good luck. If you can hang in there through the application process, you’ll have some nice options.</p>
<p>Hi nattaliee,</p>
<p>I’m not sure if you noticed but several of the posters on this thread mentioned me, applicannot. I was alerted to this post by a reader via PM, and I’m thankful that I was. Tears welled up in my eyes when I read your post. So many people in your life will tell you that they know where you are coming from, and I am always hesitant to say that I know where someone is coming from. But your story and mine sound so similar that the pain of what I went through - and what you have gone through - hit me like a slap in the face. Some parents on this board have followed my story through the last two years, and they remember my tear-filled four am posts when I felt like all hope was lost. So no, nattaliee, I don’t know you, but in so many ways I feel like I am you.</p>
<p>I worked almost full-time through high school, starting as a freshman. I hadn’t bought myself anything new since the ninth grade and was almost completely financial independent - except for the fact that I contributed huge portions of my income for my family’s sake. Like you, I was a good student with high hopes and nothing but a lot of adversity standing in my way. I was as Questbridge Match at Stanford University and I have just finished the first quarter of the rest of my life. I am asking you to please PM me - I can give you my email address and we can correspond more privately.</p>
<p>Before anything else, I want to say this.</p>
<p>It gets better.</p>
<p>There’s good news and bad news here. The good news is that you MUST finish your college applications, and when you do, you will receive fabulous financial aid at one of the best schools in the country. Stanford University is PAYING ME $1500 to attend; Washington University in St. Louis offered me $4000 (these are per year figures). You will spend the next four years of your life in bliss. You will go on to do great things in your life because you have already conquered obstacles that other people can only have nightmares about. And though you will tell yourself that you just worked hard or you were lucky, I beg you to realize that you are extraordinary. People will tell you so now and they will continue to do so; believe them. Coming to this realization will not be a moment of bloated ego but an epiphany.</p>
<p>The bad news is that there comes a moment in most people’s lives where a child becomes an adult. For low-income students, this happens early - much earlier than our middle and upper income counterparts. Some will tell you that you became an adult when you started working and providing for yourself. This is not true. You will become an adult when you realize that great personal sacrifice is necessary for survival. This is tough love. This is saying no.</p>
<p>Do not deplete your savings for the sake of your family, and do not work more hours than you can handle. People will tell you that it is selfish to take care of yourself first, and you will believe it. But the fact of the matter is that if you neglect yourself, you will not be able to do anything for anyone else. Making it through the next year and attending college in the fall will have far more benefits than supporting your family financially for the next few months. It will not be easy. It wasn’t easy for me, and so many times I gave in to what seemed to be the needs my family. I urge you to resist putting forth your hard-earned money, even when it seems like the world is hitting the fan. This will be difficult. Your mother will call you selfish. This is not true. You are taking care of yourself before you can take care of others.</p>
<p>I remember how difficult it was for me to stop working to accomplish things like supplements. First I want to say that yes, those schools are competitve - but you, like me, will find great success because you are extraordinary. Two years ago I had no idea that Stanford existed, I thought my reach school was George Washington, and I was praying to a God I don’t believe in that I’d graduate with less than $40,000 in debt. And somehow so much has changed. That is because you are a desirable applicant - and I strongly, strongly encourage (implore!) that you put the time and effort in that your supplements deserve. The question is when? This summer I worked full time at a bank. My mentor and her daughter were heading to the aquarium and The Cheesecake Factory. I wanted to go, since I rarely go to the city, but I knew I had to work. By nine am that morning I found myself in tears. I cried uncontrollably. Suddenly the weight of it hit me: I had had almost no fun in high school, in life, to that point because I spent so much time worrying about MONEY. Once the flood gates opened, I couldn’t close them. The realizations came crashing down on me. Trust me when I tell you this: don’t sacrifice yourself for money.</p>
<p>In sum, I say this: </p>
<p>Do not give your money away. To so many money is just money, and I agree, but at this point in your life money is sanity. Do not work more hours. Remember how I talked about sacrifice? Sometimes, you have to sacrifice your selflessness. Remember that poverty is a cycle - this is your moment. This is when you must decide as a person whether you will continue the cycle or break it by holding onto your launching pad and diving into the rest of your life. Your family will survive and come out the better for it. There are food banks, Catholic charities, part-time jobs for your mother, billing plans, and food stamps (if you are eighteen, you can qualify for food stamps!).</p>
<p>Reach higher. Maybe Columbia and Penn? APPLY, APPLY, APPLY. I had absolutely zero idea that I would be at Stanford today and yet here I am typing from my dorm room. You may be accustomed to modesty but your application is stronger than you think. If you don’t want to believe me, that’s fine, but apply anyway - if for no other reason than for giggles. When the fat envelopes arrive - hell, even if skinny ones do - you will never regret applying.</p>
<p>It gets better. Please, please PM me for my email address. Ask me questions. Wreck my brain. Keep in touch with the parents here; they are an invaluable resource. Believe in yourself, and when you can’t believe in yourself anymore, lie to yourself and believe in yourself anyway.</p>
<p>Learn to say no. Your mother will ask you for help over and over again. You will want to say yes. You will feel obligated to say yes. But remember that you are a person, too, and that she is your mother. Even if she can no longer provide for you, she loves you, and she will eventually (that is the operant word here) understand that you must refuse, because there are times in life when you have to help yourself, first.</p>
<p>nIf nothing else, find an anthem. I worshiped YES WE CAN, the Will.I.Am remix of Obama’s speech. Find something that helps you succeed; something that keeps you pushing.</p>
<p>applicannot</p>
<p>^^^ I knew that Nattaliee’s story would resonate with you Applicannot. Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. It makes my virtual mom’s heart so happy to hear your joy in where you are now. And Nattaliee, you can be in a similarly wonderful place this time next year. {{Hugs}} to both of you!</p>
<p>applicannot and natt -</p>
<p>You are both amazing people.
I think if I read this thread every day I would be a better person.
Best of luck to both of you…this thread has caused me some serious self-reflection</p>
<p>Yeah! I was going to suggest you immediately write to applicannot. She has wonderful suggestions because she has lived through something similar. It’s hard for us parents to know the depths of your experiences, but applicannot knows and she is proof that life does get better. That it’s all worth it. And that QuestBridge is an amazing savior. Good luck Nattaliee. Thanks applicannot ;)</p>
<p>applicannot thank you for sharing your wisdom.</p>
<p>applicannot, I type this with tears running down my face, You are a true heroine. The maturity and guts you have displayed throughout your short life are inspiring, Natilee please listen to her! She is right on evey point.</p>
<p>applicannot is an example of the best that cc offers. (((hugs))) from another virtual mom, app.</p>
<p>ETA: OP, ds was a Questbridge finalist, not a match. But all the work on the app was a great exercise, and he recycled many of the essays for other college apps. He was eventually accepted to one of the schools that passed him by in the match round. 
He choose another great school with enough merit and FA that it’s very doable. Please take advantage of this great program.</p>
<p>nattilee - Best of luck ! </p>
<p>Although there were times that I was disappointed that there was not more merit scholarship money available at colleges for my son, I knew in my heart that financial aid money for students in tough situations was a worthy priority for colleges.</p>
<p>While I agree that you need to keep your hopes up and not give up on your dream…I am definitely not going to tell you not to help your mother, the woman who gave birth to you and is the reason you exist, to survive. Public assistance exists and I really, really hope that you and your mom can qualify for it and bring yourselves up. But in the meantime, you’re going to need to eat. If you have to dip into your savings to keep yourselves alive, why would we say not to do that? I do not think you need to “learn to say no” to your disabled mother when she asks you for help. There are times in life during which you need to think of yourself first. I don’t think a time when your mom is out of work and hungry is one of them.</p>
<p>It sounds as if she was denied unemployment benefits…likely Walmart claimed she quit or was fired for cause (they usually vigorously oppose claims as it affects their experience rating and costs them money). Idk what VA rules are but she may be able to appeal at some point. If, however, she’s unable to work due to her surgery, she is not eligible to collect unemployment and should instead be looking into qualifying for disability assistance. Again, no idea what VA offers, but NY has programs which provide a very low stipend (I think the max is around $180/week) for short-term disability. She should certainly be eligible for some help from social services - like food, HEAP, Medicaid, and perhaps cash assistance. I believe there is also a free cell phone benefit available…some low, fixed number of minutes per month so that she has emergency phone access. </p>
<p>Agree with the suggestions to notify your school of your family’s current predicament as they may be aware of other local resources. Also, if you’re not already enrolled in the free/reduced school lunch program, please ask your school (GC or administrator) for the necessary forms (this will also help you when it comes time to file FAFSA - students have NO asset protection unless they qualify for one of the simplified formulas and your $7K could well be assessed toward your EFC at 50%…the school lunch program and a parental income under $50K will help avoid this).</p>
<p>Finally, I STRONGLY disagree with those who suggest that not helping mom through this crisis is perfectly okay - this isn’t some random person, but his mother! Honestly, it sounds as if your family is in crisis mode right now and I would certainly offer to help out if it were my parents (or almost anyone else, for that matter). There’s a certain pecking order of needs in life…food and shelter are basic human necessities, saving money for future educational purposes (which may not even be needed as it’s likely that most/all college costs will be covered anyway) is not. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I hoarded resources and let my crippled mother go hungry or lose the roof over her head…that’s just my $.02. Perhaps you can have a meeting with your older siblings and together come up with a plan to help her apply for HUD, food stamps, or whatever other programs will help get her through this time and meanwhile each of you can kick in a few hundred dollars to keep the wolves at bay.</p>
<p>Thank you all for the advice.</p>
<p>And to clarify, my mother had a hearing over the phone. It was her, a walmart representative, and I guess the person who decides if she gets unemployment or not. I’m guessing she won’t get it falling under the ‘she was insubordinate’ clause. She broke the company policy because she checked her cell phone while at work. She tried to explain herself, saying that she glanced at it for a total of 15 seconds just to see if there might be an emergency seeing as she has three children and three grandchildren. But they said the situation didn’t matter, all that mattered was that she broke company policy. She doesn’t speak english very well and the phone hearing went terribly, it was pretty much as though she couldn’t defend herself.</p>
<p>As of now we have gone to apply for food stamps. I have to get my employer to fill out a form and then we shall see if we get it. I am wary to talk to my school counselors or anyone because I really just don’t see them being any help. We’re a very underfunded school and the counselor spends all his time trying to keep kids from dropping out. Also, I do get free breakfast and lunch at school, and have probably since kindergarten.</p>
<p>Its post like these that make me wish I had deep pockets. Does anyone here know Bill Gates? </p>
<p>I hope you will continue on with your applications and your education because the way to help your mother in the long term is to do the best you can now. Your minimum wage jobs will just keep you both going but a career down the road will enable you to see your mom living the way you would like to see her live. Best of wishes to you…you are a mother’s dream. I am sure your mom wants what is best for you and your future.</p>
<p>“I am wary to talk to my school counselors or anyone because I really just don’t see them being any help. We’re a very underfunded school and the counselor spends all his time trying to keep kids from dropping out.” - If you were not so diligent, you’d be at risk for dropping out under such stress. Give the counselor a try. He/she may be able to help a lot just by giving you a reference to another helper. </p>
<p>Yes, you may need to spend some money on food and rent for a little while. As long as your mother is not wasting your money on “extras” it makes sens.</p>
<p>I’d just like to respond to some of the posts that have been put up since last night.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Here on CC most people are from functional families - middle and upper income functional families. For a lot of people, situations are black and white. This is not true for most of us - at least, I do not feel this is true for families in poverty, when hard choices are key. My mother gave birth to me as well, but if I had not defied her at key points in my life - dropping out of high school, refusing to be slapped, going to school despite pressure not to attend, applying to schools far away, refusing to give her money, flying to STanford - I would be her replica: my mother would love me more, perhaps, but I’d be at home right now, working to pay for her. Right now my own mother is desperately trying to make ends meet. She, too, is injured and is not working. This does NOT mean I am sending my savings home, and I have no intention of dropping out and going home to work. I’ve made that choice because I know that I can better help my mother and myself in the future if I continue this path as an individual - despite what what mother has done for me. I think nattaliee is in a similar situation.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Again, I vehemently disagree. I also see that an understanding of the “culture of poverty” is lacking here, but that’s normal so I won’t launch into that discussion right now. Basically, nattaliee’s mother is forty, recently fired, and disabled with a minor in the house. This means that there is NO EXCUSE for there to be no public assistance available - food banks, TANF, etc. If nattaliee gives the money away, not only will she be out what little safety net nattaliee has, they will be fed only for a short period of time. Not to mention that this does, at least in many cases, discourage the mother from desperately seeking out those benefits. Nattaliee giving the money away is only half a bandaid. Save the money for when it’s most needed, and allow this situation to resolve itself in other ways.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>The thing is, your situation is so vastly different - you’re not teetering on the edge of the rest of your life, and if you grew up didn’t grow up low-income (you may have), you probably never had to make the decisions that literally determine whether or not you will live the rest of your life struggling. I realize that getting a great, free college education does not automatically determine a higher class, but the facts are that that’s almost certainly the outcome if nattaliee gets through graduation.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Right now there is food and shelter, and there will be if nattaliee and the mother keep searching for the programs they deserve. I think it is easy to look at someone else’s situation and say that the right thing to do is not to “let my crippled mother go hungry” because it is easy to impose what seems right on someone else when the situation is far away. I can’t influence what nattaliee does, but these comments are exactly why I offered the hard advice that I did. Mothers are far from always being perfect people. I believe that there are times - times like this - that it is absolutely necessary to help the situation by looking for benefits and applying to colleges while also refusing to dwindle a tiny savings account to provide food that can, for the time being, be provided via other means.</p>
<p>Nattaliee’s mom probably wants the best for nattaliee. Right now, that means that nattaliee is going to have to focus on her(?)self. That means standing strong against the tide.</p>
<p>Today I am honoring December 1st as the day I broke the cycle of poverty in my family. 3:11 pm, Tuesday, December 1st, 2009 - accepted into the STanford Class of 2014.</p>
<p>People who have not had to be socially mobile wonder why breaking the cycle of poverty or upward mobility is so difficult. They think that all it takes is hard work and an education. This is not true - in fact, this is so far from the truth that I feel hopeless anytime someone from another social class espouses it. The fact of the matter is that breaking the cycle of poverty requires a lot of difficult choices - and a lot of times that means NOT funneling money, an unfortunate but necessary resources, into a low-income family. It means standing on one’s own feet even when one seems too young to do so. It means sorting out the advice received for the better - and sometimes it means become financially and individually independent at a very young age. Although I would love for nattaliee to be able to help the mother and also succeed in life, I know that if I - and many of my QuestBridge friends here at Stanford (my dorm itself has four!) - took the noble advice of these parents (feed your mother!), we would not be here. I can guarantee you that any successful person in life who came from a low-income background had a deciding moment just like this one, just like mine. It may not have been in the same scope, sure, but it happened: </p>
<p>at what time to I pool resources to my own success and at what point do I continue to pour those resources into failed family finances?</p>
<p>I would like to say that putting a few of your current earnings into household necessities is probably going to seem necessary, and few hundred dollars isn’t going to ruin you. But be very, very wary of where that money is going and how much you are giving… $500 is one thing. Make sure your savings doesn’t dwindle.</p>
<p>I’ll always be the dissenting opinion here on CC because I do believe there is a point when parenting becomes inadequate and a person must become an individual. I did this at a very young age, probably the first and last time I got punished (and talked myself out of it) at age eight. Being that radical I would say that when the **** hits the fan you move out and become self-supporting, but because that solution is always heavily criticised and because it doesn’t look like it’s crossed nattaliee’s mind, I’ll spare it for now.</p>
<p>applicannot</p>
<p>Best of luck to you, OP. You’ll be in my thoughts.</p>