So, my life completely fell apart- just in time for Christmas. Advice?

<p>OP- I didn’t mean to suggest that discussing your situation with your GC or someone at school would be a magic bullet. But there are most likely safety nets in your community and state that the GC will know about which seem complicated from the outside (like the type of documentation you need to provide, the pay stubs, immigration paperwork, etc.) which might sound very daunting if a bureaucrat describes them to your mom… but which are actually quite easy to pull together if someone who has done this before on behalf of other families can boil it down for you. Statements like “You must be able to prove State Residency” may sound scary to your mom when in fact, last months electric bill may be an acceptable proof. So I was just trying to encourage you to enlist the help of someone who has done all this before and can take some of the pain out of the process. </p>

<p>This is a scary time for your mom; I am well aware of that. But if you can remind yourself that you will be much for valuable to her with a college education than you are right now just shy of a high school diploma… maybe that can help you stay on course.</p>

<p>Applicanot- you are really a special person, and as much as I exult in your success, you did not need a Stanford admission to validate that!!! Best of luck to you and hugs…</p>

<p>blossom - thanks, and it’s true, but aside from Stanford, and affordable (and preferably awesome) education that gets me out of my family’s situation is what really matters.</p>

<p>The OP can call the Virginia Dept of Social Services but applicannot, I believe that if a household member has $7K sitting in the bank, the mom may not qualify for certain kinds of public assistance. Also, with that sort of income, the real ticket out of poverty is getting into a top school. The applicant probably would qualify for a 0 EFC.</p>

<p>OP, there are private employers who fight everyone for unemployment. Checking your cellphone-- unless you are a driver or pilot or something similar-- is not usually grounds for dismissal but your mom probably can’t do her job right now because of the injury.</p>

<p>applicannot, standing up here and applauding! If you don’t try to get some of your writing published (essay in the NY Times) it would be a crime. I have volunteered in a program and day care center for teen moms, one of our goals was to help them get the HS education they deserved and then onto a secure future for them and their children. We knew it wouldn’t be easy for them and the meal we provided one day a week (with lots of leftovers to take home) was only a drop in the bucket. The free childcare the social workers, the Junior League volunteers were only a very small part of the story, the young women at 15 years to 18 years old had to help themselves to help their families. I believe applicannot you are advocating the right thing, eloquently as always. I will never pretend I know how difficult it is for you, Nattilee and the moms in our program. Thank You for reminding me of that.</p>

<p>applicannot,
I was one of the posters who steered nattilee towards you as I remembered her post from the Swarthmore forum, where I have a current student. applicannot, let me just say for the record that “YOU ROCK!” I am in awe of what you have done for yourself and what you will do in the future. I hope that nattilee has the time and takes the time to carefully read the sage counsel you have provided her.
nattilee-it won’t be easy, but it can be done. One day at a time. Continue in school. Breathe. Take one day at a time. Finish those supplements! ;)</p>

<p>Oh applicannot! You go girl! I work for county mental health, hear stories like this and worse all the time, and sit stone-faced, saying “I’m sorry for your loss”. But I am bawling! You are so right!</p>

<p>Put on your own facemask first!</p>

<p>nattilee - you will be in my prayers. I cannot imagine the overwhelming stress you must feel; I hate that your childhood has been taken away but, I bet, you will become an amazing example to others ( much like applicannot!!!). You both are incredible young people. Do what you have to do for the long run - You can do it!!</p>

<p>I am so humbled reading this thread.</p>

<p>There are many parents on CC that will help you - please lean on us for moral support and advice. I think you have just been virtually adopted by a lot of us.</p>

<p>(((hugs))) It will work out…but you need to listen to Applicannot (you are amazing!!!).
Write those essays. Get an education. Buy some groceries, do what you need to do for the immediate crisis, but you are going to college.<br>
Reach out for help from the local community, the Social Serices agencies, etc. Reach out here for moral support, advice, etc…because we do care.</p>

<p>OP. I am rooting for you. There are seriously tears in my eyes, to hear what you have overcome and the hard choices you will have to make. </p>

<p>APPLY for colleges. Put your energy into that. Please, please, please put your energy into school and applying for colleges. DO NOT give up when you are so close to success. Do you realize how much you can help your mother if you get a good financial aid package? And when you have a career? When you are making 60K+ a year? IMAGINE what you can do for your mother. Imagine. And imagine what you can do for yourself.</p>

<p>But I agree 100% with Applicannot not that NOW is not the time to drain your savings and quit filling out college apps. Now is not the time. Please go to your Guidance Counselors at school. They may not be able to help you fill out your college apps, but I bet they will help your mom find social services in the area that can guide her to collecting some government aid. This kinda thing causes other people to drop out of school…if they spend most of their time doing that…they will have SEEN this situation before. </p>

<p>DON’T look at focusing on yourself as abandoning your mother. You’re not doing that, you’re going to make her incredibly proud and you’re going to be able to help her so much. But I agree, right now you have to help yourself. Good luck. I am rooting for you. Please talk to someone in your community, your guidance counselor, scholarship coordinators. Maybe your GCs will turn you away. But a community center might not, the scholarship coordinators might not. They can help you find help for your mom, and find the strength and time to fill out these applications.</p>

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<p>This is not true. As long as nattalie is a minor, her income and/or assets are not counted against elligibility for federal means-tested benefits. If nattalie is no longer a minor, she will receive more benefits if she and her mother apply separately for these means-tested benefits - without a minor in the house, nattalie’s mother is unlikely to receive very much compensation aside from unemployment.</p>

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<p>If there’s anything to take away from this thread, it’s this. Bill Gates is doing an awful lot of help, but he wouldn’t have accomplished anything had he not taken those years to focus on his own aspirations. Be the woman you are meant to be.</p>

<p>My father gave up his dreams of college 60 years ago because his parents needed his help. They took the money that he had saved and made him believe that he needed to work to take care of them. Dad has carried this bitterness inside, and it has made him very unhappy in his life. Do not let that happen to you, nattalie. Your mother is an adult, and she can & should be responsible for herself. </p>

<p>You MUST take the advice offered here. Even if Questbridge doesn’t work out, you are sure to end up at an awesome school. There isn’t much I can say that hasn’t already been said (better than I could say it, I might add) … follow your dreams!!!</p>

<p>I guess I’ll remain one of the few dissenters…sorry, but I just do not see that many parallels between applicannot’s life story and what we’ve read of nattilee’s. Being from a low-income background is NOT the same as having a chronically needy and abusive parent. Nattilee’s mom sounds as if she has worked hard to the best of her ability/education to provide for her family, was fired for a somewhat dubious reason (my kid works at Walmart and openly texts me several times a shift…anyway Walmart has a strictly defined system of warnings, points, even a paid day off called a D-Day, before dismissal), and has a likely short-term, but critical, need for assistance.</p>

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<p>I think you’re missing something - my mom started that way, too. In fact, my story would sound exactly the same as nattalie’s if a psychologist hadn’t worked with my to identify that my mother’s behavior was problematic. The distance between what you feel is nattaliee’s situation and what you perceive of mine is very short. That’s what “the culture of poverty” is about - one situation leads to another very quickly. If nattaliee’s mom really is only in quick need of critical assistance, what would she do if nattaliee didn’t have that money in savings? Act on this situation as if the money weren’t there - what are the other options? Why should nattaliee’s money suddenly become her mother’s?</p>

<p>Thank you Applicannot, I agree with what you have said. In some situations, helping is not really a help. Some needy people are sponges who will suck you dry and then move on to the next resource, leaving you damaged.</p>

<p>Over my kids teen years there have been a couple of friends who have had serious family issues to deal with, one had no indoor plumbing, they actually had a port a potty on their property and lived in trailers & campers duct taped together. Another worked multiple jobs all through HS and paid for all of her own stuff, everything. Each of these girls spent huge amounts of time at our house and were a closer part of our family than other friends with ‘normal’ home life.</p>

<p>If the OPs money is used up, then other money will be sought…seek that outside help now and keep your money for you if it can be done. Of course there are a multitude of nuances to each situation and we only have the briefest of summations, but there are many real life circumstances where I would advise the OP not to give up her life changing dreams for immediate emergencies.</p>

<p>One thing that I want to remind everyone of, is that there are two older siblings in the picture. This is not just about the OP and her mom; there is additional family in the picture that could/should assist when the OP goes off to college. The heavy burden of a complicated family situation shouldn’t rest solely on the shoulders of a high school aged student when older children are around.</p>

<p>Applicannot, again, you have my empathy but your mom is not nattilee’s mother…people are different and what you experienced and the choices you had to make were the correct ones for YOUR situation, but not necessarily for ALL situations. What she will do if nattalie doesn’t step up may well lead to a very radical change in nattalie’s living conditions…imho, that will not help matters and may truly jeapodize her plans. Have you been in a shelter recently? The ones I’ve seen offer very little privacy or quiet, not to mention not being in the best of neighborhoods which leads to another host of potential problems. Most mothers would be loathe to ask their children for help unless they were getting desperate…only nattalee herself can judge what the level of need truly is based on her own experience.</p>

<p>Before you assume that I don’t understand, please know that I too grew up in a low-income family and have at various points in my life been in quite severe straits. My mom made less than $10K a year, had 5 kids, and took care of what seemed like every child she found in need. She regularly bought her pupils clothing, food, school supplies, even soap, because they had none. She made sure these kids had a small birthday gift and some cupcakes if their parents didn’t bother sending anything. My dad was a starving musician and owned another company that struggled just to keep out of the red…he always paid his employees but rarely got paid regularly himself. We grew most of our own food, wore hand-me-downs, got jobs at 16 (or earlier if we were lucky), and worked our way through college with loans and scholarships. My older sister and I often bought my younger sisters clothes and other treats that my parents couldn’t afford and our HS earnings helped to pay the electric and grocery bills when my mom caught hepatitis from a student and was very sick for a year. When the furnace and car both died in the same month while I was in HS, my sisters and I pooled our savings to help buy a new one…as I recall, no discussion of who was contributing how much was needed, but a new furnace sure was! </p>

<p>To us, none of it was a big deal because that’s what families were for…we all made it through school and several made it through grad/med school too. Everyone paid back their loans on time, got married, bought houses and had kids…in other words, no permanent damage was done because we helped our own family out. We never had any form of charity or public assistance - at the time, I don’t think we even realized that we were poor, although others may have. But we all still benefit from the values our parents instilled in us and consider ourselves lucky because our parents loved us, worked hard for us, and were wonderful role models. Their fortunes improved over time, as is often the case when there are no longer children to provide for, but they remained frugal and chose to leave us a fairly substantial amount. Btw, those savings would have been long gone had we not decided to honor my mother’s wish to remain in her home after my father’s sudden death, although it required us to care for her around the clock. Again, other than scheduling, no discussion was needed…that’s what families are for and we were very lucky that we could work together to give her the care she needed and give our kids, many of whom volunteered for regular shifts, a few more precious years with her.</p>

<p>So why should anyone help anyone if it may interfere with their own goals/dreams? My answer is because, as in nattalee’s case, it may not actually interfere at all and it’s possible the gift you give will be returned many times over. And because it is often simply the right thing to do. As human beings, we will all be in very poor shape if we refuse to help for our loved ones in their time of need when it is within our power to do so…not recklessly, but compassionately, by providing practical and reasonable support when it’s needed most.</p>

<p>S8-- what an eloquent post. Your family is lucky that you all pulled together when you needed to.</p>

<p>I don’t think the OP needs to feel guilty that her mom lost her job. It is a brave testament to you and your family that you never sought aid when your lives were tough, but frankly, that’s what all these safety nets are for. I don’t think parents with minor children to support need to feel shame in applying for government benefits, or for taking them when they qualify. If OP and her mom qualify for food stamps- well that’s money well spent in my book. If there is a community chest or free loan society or some other resources in her town which can pay the heating bill or the rent until the mom gets back on her feet- hey, I think that’s great.</p>

<p>It is a win/win for society for OP to get to college. Nobody wants this family on the street, but it is for sure a bad deal for everyone to have the D put off college or use her savings to plug a temporary hole. I don’t believe in demonizing people for trying to access private and government resources when their lives hit a roadblock. It is admirable that your family managed without outside assistance but it doesn’t make this kid any less admirable for recognizing that once her college fund is gone, the likelihood of her actually getting her degree falls by a very significant margin.</p>

<p>The practical support OP can give her mother right now is to make sure that the actual grown ups in this picture (Legal Aid if necessary to help the mom argue her unemployment claim; social worker to make sure the family gets food stamps if they qualify; clergy to get the family temporary assistance whether for food, heat, rent, transportation, physical therapy so the mom’s feet heal, etc.) do the jobs they are supposed to do. I love paying taxes when I hear that people in need are getting the assistance to which they are entitled.</p>

<p>Applicannot, thank you for posting. You are an amazing person, and you should put these posts together and create a website with advice for low-income kids who want to go to college. It would be a wonderful resource. </p>

<p>Natillee, my heart goes out to you. I agree with everyone who has said to make finishing your applications your first priority. I don’t know much about Questbridge, so I’ll suggest in addition to that apply to some financial safety schools that would give you a full scholarship. DO NOT stay home to work to support your mother… you need to go to college and escape the cycle of poverty.</p>

<p>Have you talked to your older siblings about this? As a worst case scenario, wouldn’t they take in you and your mother rather than let you be homeless?</p>

<p>Other posters have given you good advice on getting TANF, food stamps, etc. I only have two things to add, one is that many churches have food banks, and you don’t need to be a member of the church to get help from them.</p>

<p>If your mother is disabled, she should apply for state disability benefits. If she’s going to be disabled for at least a year, she could apply for SSI (Supplemental Security Income, a federal program for the disabled). Almost everyone is denied at first, but then she could appeal it, and from what I’ve read many people get it on the second appeal. It would not relieve the immediate crisis, but in the long term if she could get it, that would keep her fed and housed.</p>

<p>I know the guidance counselors are overworked, but they should know about resources that help families in crisis. </p>

<p>If you have to dip into your savings to keep a roof over your head and food until benefits come through, OK, but set a limit on it and don’t work more hours… and ask your siblings for help. They are more established so they should be helping out.<br>
Hope you’re emailing Applicannot… you need support right now. You’re doing the best you can in a very difficult situation… this is more than any teenager should have to face.</p>

<p>Blossom, I certainly didn’t mean to imply that the OP and her mom shouldn’t receive or apply for benefits they’re entitled to…quite the opposite! I don’t think at the time I was growing up in the early 70’s these things were very common…maybe they didn’t exist or maybe it never occurred to them to ask (not an uncommon attitude for 1st and 2nd gen families and the OP is a first-gen American). At any rate, all we had was each other, there was no real possibility that other help would be forthcoming, and it still worked out just fine, which is what the real point of my little story was. </p>

<p>I DO think her mom should definitely appeal the unemployement decision if it is negative since it doesn’t sound as if Wallyworld followed their own company policy (and they have a history of arbitrary firings and discriminatatory managers)! I would also recommend that one of the kids go with her for that (hopefully one of the older sibs) and also to help her file for HEAP, HUD, and food stamps, if those benefits aren’t already in place. Meanwhile, these things all take time - a lady in quite desperate situation told me the other day she’d been waiting 2 months for a decision from social services and is feeding her kids from the church pantry. This is what the family needs to rally to…and yes, I mean the WHOLE family!</p>

<p>sk8rmom, if I had more time I would respond, but for now we will have to agree to disagree. I am glad that life has worked out for you so well. I can’t say I have visited a shelter recently but I have certainly lived in one. I think that because life has worked out for you, in this situation you have a narrow world view. In life we get caught up in this idea that the best thing to do is to help each other - I agree, but it shouldn’t always be a first priority. The difference in your family is that everyone worked together; that is clearly not the case here, and not necessarily because the family members are malicious but because they are not all able to help. Why would the OP dip into her dwindling savings to improve upon a situation that can be fixed if and when her mother steps up to the bat? I’m sorry, but I just absolutely cannot imagine why it would be necessary or even advisable for nattaliee to step up in this situation. For every story like yours, where everyone works together and its rosy, there are a dozen kids in low-income neighborhoods that lost their shot because they gave their advantages back to their families. I’ve lived it, and I’ve studied it, and I’m not about to advocate it.</p>