<p>Ti-Ta! we parents really are concerned about you because although this is a painful fork in the road, we know you can pass through this to a better and happier place with just some counseling and some good advice and change of plans.<br>
Please please understand that many future "successful" adults had a year of bleak Lostness at least once in life, and often as first year undergrad or grad students.<br>
I know many doctors and lawyers who had lousy semesters in college but stuck it out. I know equally high numbers of cool adults who dropped of premed or pharmacy or prelaw and simply took a better fit path for their temperaments and inclinations and eventually happier roads to walk. It is also true that for many people career paths make several sharp turns.<br>
The key is managing your emotional self and keeping perspective. In other words, getting into college does require the stats etc, but life itself is much more challenging and is not all measured by grades. You are so much more than grades.<br>
Pharmacy school success is not how to measure your self worth, although of course I understand that you are disappointed and that your self esteem took a hit. You are much more than Pharmacy School and have potential out the Kazoo. You need some space and time to generate a list of options for yourself at this juncture.
These are the hours in life when you must learn to value yourself and stick it out in Pharmacy or change tracks. It is OK TO NOT BE SURE ABOUT WHERE YOU BELONG AT THIS MOMENT< but you DO belong somewhere! Yes you do and you will be much happier down the road, promise. Gazillions of adults have muddled through career changes and blows to their self image and hopes. You can get through this and get through it gracefully, too.
People who weather bumps in the road best have pretty good support systems and Reality Check people to trust and lean on. It helps if you are good at Recruiting people in your life. Make an appt. with your college counseling center now for some emotional support. Make an appt with career counseling. You deserve the support and there is a reason those offices exist on every college campus. They exist for you.
You don't have to have the answers today. But I promise you will see your alternatives more clearly if you get someone you trust in place to help you get perspective.<br>
this problem is totally fixable. really. don't let your mind repeat phrases like "destroyed my whole life"<br>
No you haven't.
One day you will be a parent and I know you would not want your daughter or son to believe that about themselves. Parent yourself well. You still are the same good kid. Life sometimes has lessons for us that are not fun to swallow but lead to open doors.</p>
<p>Trust me when I say that you are not the only kid who has had a rocky transition from hs to college. There was a kid at my D's hs who went off to college and had a rocky start in science (got an acknowledged abysmal chem teacher right out of the chute). Did terribly. Had his confidence shattered. </p>
<p>He had a 4 year scholarship from a local organization and was concerned that he would lose it. He wrote them a letter to let them know of his academic problems and the trouble he has had adjusting to the toughness of the college curriculum. He said that he understood if they yanked his scholarship $$. They wrote him a nice letter back and told him that they understood that the transition could be a difficult one and that they still had confidence in him. </p>
<p>My D had a bad semester -- the first semester of her sophomore year. After she got through her freshman year, we thought we were in the clear. She got behind in her physics and math classes, didn't get the help she needed (even though it was available to her), procrastinated starting assignments and ended up not finishing them because she ran out of time. </p>
<p>After she got her grades, she was mortified about calling us. When we talked, we talked about whether she should change her major, what she could do in future to not get into a hole, etc. She talked with the asst. dept chairman about her concerns about whether she had the intellectual capacity to finish out in her major. She explored a few other majors. </p>
<p>She decided to keep her major, take certain kinds of classes in her major that played to her strengths, get help from TAs and classmates on a steady basis, and start her problem sets earlier. We'll see if her plan works. </p>
<p>Basically, we parents are an understanding lot, if we don't think you did poorly in college because you were having too much fun.</p>
<p>What a wise group!</p>
<p>One other suggestion -- Next year, keep your parents apprised of your progress DURING the semester. S#1 always assured us that everything was "Fine!" when we asked general questions. At the end of the semester, things were obviously not fine, and hadn't been when we asked either.</p>
<p>It's hard enough to help from long distance; it's impossible when you don't know there's a problem.</p>
<p>Good luck. You will get through this.</p>
<p>Yeah, "Fine!" is always what we hear as well, until the school or teachers contact us. NOT good to have those kind of surprises. Best to seek & get help sooner rather than later & keep parents informed.</p>
<p>Oh, Ti-Ta, you probably think I am way to old to relate to your problem, but I had an even worse freshman year than you. I was a top student in high school but never had to work at anything and once I got to college, I was clueless. I was also only 17 when I started college and the girls on my floor were big partiers, so I hopped right into that scene too. I had a demanding schedule in a demanding major and just didn't know how to get all the work done. I had never learned how to ask for help in anything because I never needed to. I had to retake the second semester of calculus. It was horrible at the time, but I ended up graduating in 4 years, got a good job and even got accepted to a very highly ranked business school due to a great recommendation from my boss who had gone there. Now that I am 44 years old and self-employed, no one is interested in my freshman year GPA, and I consider myself pretty successful in life. Follow the good advice you have been given and hopefully your scholarship will work out.</p>
<p>Ti-ta, May I ask, are you asian?</p>
<p>If so, I do understand your problem. Asian parents sometimes have unreal high expectations for their children. Their reaction to poor performance can be unusually harsh.</p>
<p>At the moment, you are in the eye of your poor performance. It is tooe arly to look at the reasons you may have underperformed or ****** up. Believe me there are reasons, and you need to face those so that you do not make the same mistake in the future.</p>
<p>Right now, you must face the wrath of your parents. </p>
<p>If it's any consolation, my anglo-parents stopped speaking to me for a year when I moved in with my boyfriend in 1982. My father actually called me a 'ho. I chalked it up to a bananas reaction and moved on. </p>
<p>Thirty years later we love each other to bits--but I don't take their advice. I put it all in the 'bananas' bin.</p>
<p>Keep in touch.</p>
<p>Ti-ta, Have some faith in your parents. When my daughter finally admitted that her GPA was similar to yours, we were first shocked. School had always been so easy for her. But college was a whole new world. After we had realized that this was a small detour, we regrouped and made a new plan. She takes fewer credits and that has helped a lot. She is taking a class this summer that keeps tripping her up (She dropped it last time). I know that my daughter will make it and in the long run, this is nothing but a bump in the road. Your parents love you and you will get through this. Again, have faith. And ask for help at school! That's something I still can't get my daughter to do.</p>
<p>Once again, thank you all for responding to this...</p>
<p>I'm telling the today. I havent really planned out what i'm going to say though, because I know that as soon as I show them/tell them my grades, we will go off into a huge tangent and things will probably end in tears and yelling. Thank you all for your words, and I will keep them in mind while preparing to tell them.</p>
<p>wish me luck.....</p>
<p>Ti Ta
Good luck in telling them. I like Onwards note of having faith in your parents. They might not respond in the ideal way the first day. Give them some space.<br>
Also realize that adults have problems all the time that take a lot of months to sort out. This is what life and careers are like. You don't have to have the answers but you should be using the college resources to generate the alternatives and to help you Breathe and see that a winding path may be the Human Condition...and you are human. You are young. You are highly educable and going to find a way to earn a living just fine.
If there are particular family dynamics that are troublesome, now is a perfectly good juncture in life to sort that out in some short term private counseling at the university. Many people start to "deal with the rents" at your age but every family is unique. You might get some excellent advice on how to view your family and make some adjustments in how you communicate with them. This all takes time! Treat yourself like you would treat your daughter or son at this juncture. Do not allow yourself to fall into cognitive holes with phrases like "destroyed my life" and "used to be good." Get some Teflon coating if those phrases are used by your parents. Life is full of dissonant notes and we have to learn to hang in the balance while still "showing up" for the work. Find other adults who can help you rationally look at life as full of options and career goals.<br>
anyway...take care this week!</p>
<p>I told my mom....shes not the worse of my parents. shes not talking to me now...</p>
<p>she told me not to touch her. shes downstairs now. she said i have just ruined everything my family has worked for. she half blames herself...she thinks she went wrong somewhere in my life. she said she didnt want to agree with my da when he said a while ago that he didnt think i could make it here....but now she does. and i still need to tell him.</p>
<p>i think i have just turned emo. lol. but its really not funny.
i hate myself. i hate my life. </p>
<p>im going to go take a shower now. lets just hope i drown.</p>
<p>Ti-Ta. Don't let this be about your mother and dad, but acknowledge that you know how they feel and you care about how the perceive you, and you don't like to disappoint them. I know it feels bad, but you have to create your own life and that takes lots of time and we all make changes and take sharp and unexpected turns some times.
At your age, you have to step up and do that hard job of being your own best friend, your own best judge, and seek people to fill in the gaps in your life because parents really can't do it all. Where is your support team? Do you have friends who know how you feel today and have you made any appointments with a person in your field at school to talk about your worries?
It is not too late.<br>
If your parents don't "get" the reality of your stresses and academic challenges (and they probably don't) then you must Recruit people to help you weather this season of life. This will all pass.<br>
Please understand that adults all over the world Recruit support people in their lives. Your parents will always matter a great deal, but you can also over the next handful of years find some of what is called in psychobabble world called "chosen family." Find friends who will tell you the truth but also help you keep your perspective and support your spirits.
It is not realistic to get all your support from flawed parents, unless you are just plain lucky and have near perfect parents. Most of us don't. Most of us at your age begin to "fill in" with friends, teachers, mentors and a season of formal counseling at college. You are more than this semester of academic disapppointment. If your parents can't be a part of finding the solution, find adults who can talk with you formally. There are resources and you will start to feel lots better when you make Plan B in Pharmacy or out.</p>
<p>Ti-ta:</p>
<p>Give your parents time to get over their shock. I usually feel better after a night's sleep when I've had bad news. Things don't look quite so bleak then. Perhaps they will need more than one night; perhaps the weekend. </p>
<p>Then, when you all think you can talk more calmly, discuss possible scenarios. First, have you talked to your deans and advisors at school about your academic future and the possibility of retaining your scholarship? If not, try to talk to them. See if it is possible to continue at this school. If it is not possible, then you will need to discuss alternatives with your parents. Maybe take a gap year, earn some money. Maybe go to a community college for a year or two then transfer. Another possibility is to work part time and attend evening classes.
Meanwhile, think about what went wrong. Did you find the courses too hard? Sometimes what others think are easy courses can be the hardest you find because they happen to be your area of weakness; conversely, you may find some courses easy that others would consider difficult. Did you do poorly because you lacked study skills? Because you partied too much? Depending on the answers, you may want to reconsider your choice of major and of career path.
Don't give up hope and don't lose confidence in either yourself or your parents.
I agree, too, that you should try talking to other adults; confide in them and enlist their help in finding a solution and dealing with your parents.</p>
<p>Something else to consider Ti-Ta, is that your parents will still be in shock from the newness of the announcement. You have seen it coming and even though disappointed, you have come to grips with the problem. They may need a little time to do the same.</p>
<p>i told my mom its not all lost...and i can still keep my scholarship.
she said "o so you researched keeping it, knowing that you weren't going to meet the requirement already? good to know" (in that angry parent tone of voice). she basically brushed it off. she says now they have to send me to community college, and then after that i'll have to transfer BACK to a four year school and stuff. she was like "i hope you had fun going to parties, and drinking with all your friends, because now you've blown your chance at even getting to stay there. so get on aim and tell all your friends you're not going back in the fall. you messed this up for yourself" it breaks my heart to type this because that is the one thing i never wanted, to fail at my school. and i never thought i would end up at a cc, especially transerring from a 4 yr to 2 year. i am really so torn right now. i just spent an hour in my bathroom crying and contemplating really bad things...and i just feel so ****ed up right now. im sorry for depressing anyone with my tales of woe, but i really have no one else to say this too except like 2 friends, because i really dnt think i can depend on anyone else. u dont understand how i feel right now. i just let down not only myself, but my entire family. today is the first day ive really wished i wasnt alive.</p>
<p>Ti-ta, remember your mom is still under the shock of finding out. She is saying things that she will wish she had not said later (even if she never apologizes). Don't take it to heart, don't act on it. Let things cool. Give her a few days. And better talk to your dad asap, so that the ill wind blows only once instead of over a long period of time!
BTW, it is okay to vent here. That's what other people's parents are for: to give another perspective and sometimes a shoulder to cry on.</p>
<p>Ti-ta--My son is twenty-five and dropped out of college in his third year. I spent a day feeling that I had failed as a mother because my job was to see my kids through college. The next day I picked myself up and decided that my son was an adult and what he did with his life was his choice. I still loved him and supported him, but it was a very difficult time for me.<br>
He found his way, went back to college and will be graduating in December.
You have not screwed up your life. You have made some mistakes, and that is what life is about--picking up the pieces and moving forward.<br>
There are a lot of parents on this forum supporting you.</p>
<p>Ti Ta. You are right that we can't really understand what you are feeling and what your family's expectations of you are, because your family is unique. (But recall the first line of Anna Karenina?) </p>
<p>So many times parents set expectations that are just ridiculous and do not take into count that young people change and alter and also are social beings. It is hard to grow up every year just on schedule with zero bumps. If your parents don't "believe in you" in a helpful way, you are going to have to believe in yourself anyhow. You may be stridling two cultures re what is "normal" in terms of what one expects from one's children.</p>
<p>My S also did well on standardized tests and put out hard work in high school but guess what, he is smack dab in the mean or below sometimes at college. Scary! He dropped a course after calling us to say he felt he was losing ground. He had to make appointments with various people in authority positions and really suck it up (pride) to ask to drop a course. That was tough for him to do. We asked some pretty nosy questions about his study habits and routine, we said a few things that may or may not have been fair. But we supported his taking one step back two steps forward. He will try it again next year, with more focus and a better way of handling distractions like his suddenly big social life and late hours.
Please get a good nights sleep. You will have to listen to your father I suppose and see how he takes things. But high thee to the college counselor's office for an apt. Monday. You need to understand your alternatives and you need to get help with the worry you are feeling.</p>
<p>I take your saying "you didn't want to live" with this feeling of letting them down very seriously. Tomorrow you should look up a friend and ask if he or she can help you think about all this. Monday make some appointments. Tell your folks you are going to explore your options, and that you will discuss the options with them soon. Anytime you actually have suicidal thoughts, you should place a phone call to the helpline or talk to an adult you trust.</p>
<p>Your mother says extreme things sometimes. Don't copy her style..this is not what you would do for your daughter or son who worked hard all through high school and then had difficulties in a hard college first year, correct?! </p>
<p>How would you parent your daughter if she was in this situtation?</p>
<p>..is this a family habit--to make harsh judgements? In the 70s we called this problem of negative and condemning self-thoughts "Quit shoulding on yourself." That sounds pretty lame in 2006 but the message is to look at your own thoughts about what you "should" have done or others "should" do. "I should have made a high average or I let my entire family down." "I destroyed my life if I can't keep this scholarship."<br>
these are thoughts that a therapist/college counselor can truly help get better at looking at and changing. These are not rational or fair thoughts and they lead to intensely bad feelings. You should not allow your mother's tendency to say Global Things about your character or ability to be YOUR style of thinking.<br>
You are young and still changing and growing. Today's problems are tomorrow's memories. You need to "grow" some new ways of viewing your folks and how to please them or seperate from them some while you are young and figuring your own life out.
Call the help line in your town just to talk to someone if it helps if you can't see a friend over the weekend. Call Monday morning and get to school to see someone about your fall semester. Explore the adults who are paid at your college to be trained in helping people just at your age think and prioritize.</p>
<p>my laptop is now gone, as is my phone. now i have to look up a friend's # on aim, and call her on my house phone. which i probably wont do because my parents would probably eavesdrop on the other housephones.</p>
<p>**** sucks.</p>
<p>Wow. They ARE really strict and/or punative. You are a young adult...why do they take away your laptop and phone? You should get some relative privacy and phone from another location. </p>
<p>Are these measures supposed to be your "punishment" after which they will support your returning to the same school in the fall? If they school still wants you and still gives you the scholarship, I can't imagine why you would change anything. :confused:</p>
<p>Ti Ta,</p>
<p>You have my utmost admiration. I am very serious. Because, unlike many other student's on these forums, you have taken accountability for the situation you are in and that is a tremendously important quality in life and it will serve you well.</p>
<p>Failure is part of life. What is important is what you do in response to it. There has been some very good advice on this thread for you. Weigh it carefully.</p>
<p>One thing to add to the mix, is to look at joining the service. It may not be the best choice for you, but its worth talking to a recruiter and seeing what options are out there and what you could learn. </p>
<p>The time away and the confidence and discipline you will gain could be what you need right now. I am not saying it is, but it is important to look at all your options.</p>
<p>Again, you have my admiration for being accountable. That more valuable than you realize right now.</p>
<p>Good Luck</p>