<p>I think our kids have adjusted well, RobD, to our having separate lives, although ShawWife and I always had serious professional lives and commitments all through their childhood. But ShawWife had dialed the intensity down when they were younger and dialed it back up as they were in HS.</p>
<p>As I have lamented my entrance into the Empty Nest phase of life, a friend recommended the book āMagical Journey An Apprenticeship in Contentmentā by Katrina Kennison. I would liken it in some ways to āEat Pray Loveā for wives and mothers over the age of 50. Many parts of it really resonated with me. I wrote some bits of it down and cried in many places. It is a lovely book- sad, reflective, but ultimately hopeful. I would recommend it to anyone who feels uncertain about what happens next in a life with a lot of living yet to do.</p>
<p>Hi there! I m a new member to this group. Im Malaysian and my daughter is coming to Vandy end of this month to do engineering. Can anyone assist me in preparing for her needs there especially for sleeping convenience. Im packing for her stuff and need to know the real bed size in order to get one from Malaysia.
Can anyone of you describe the life in Nashville esp in Vandy? Thanks a lot, hope to get your comment very soon. 29th of June in coming so fastā¦arghhhhā¦!!!</p>
<p>My friend divorced when her only child was a HS freshman. Now said child is getting ready to leave for college. A mutual friend asked her what she was going to do with an empty nest. She replied, āDate!ā</p>
<p>I love to be busy and I have plenty to choose what I should do at each moment. The thing is any of it could be dropped on a whim and I can go to bed at about 9pm if I feel like it. However, if I choose I can stay busy doing something until 1am. Both things have happened despite the fact that I am up at 5:30am. I have to fill much more time than most others, since I require only about 4 hours of sleep like some others at my ancient age.</p>
<p>I just looked up the first day of school for S2, a HS senior, and realized I was doing this for the very last time - I got a little misty-eyed ā¦</p>
<p>Finished couple projects, cleaned up for kids - my grandkids are coming for only 2 days, was a very happy reason to take couple vacation days.</p>
<p>Last two weeks, spending 10 days in Northern Italy with my wife. Stopping over in Paris and London for work on the way home. My wife spending the three+ prior weeks working in Venice.</p>
<p>Yesterday, showing my daughter how she could take time off before completing her BSN/MSN to spend a few months in an ashram in India. She somehow felt trapped on an assembly line.</p>
<p>Today, advising my son on business negotiations that he is undertaking for his startup software company.</p>
<p>oh my gosh- take a look at what you have just writtenā¦ all the right memesā¦ humble brag much?</p>
<p>glimmeringirl, whatās the issue? Iām trying to say that life with with an empty nest can be good. A number of the posters on this thread are concerned that it will be traumatic and difficult.<br>
Is there something wrong with ashrams or startups? </p>
<p>What I was saying is that one can a) take trips one probably would not have taken when the nest was not empty and b) stay in touch with and advise/help oneās kids after theyāve left the nest. My daughter told us that on her bucket list was spending some time at an ashram in India. Weād never heard that before but sheās done yoga since she was three and completed the training to be a yoga instructor before she went to college. She just felt that with a skills-based degree, once she finished school, sheād need to start work immediately. Thus, she felt blocked from doing what she wanted to do. We suggested that there was a way to work a trip in over a summer and extend the classes for a semester or a year or do a year part-time ā her current program is accelerated and she has classes every summer.</p>
<p>Being an empty-nester is working out very well for us thus far. We havenāt lost touch with the kids and at the moment, I think Iām speaking to my son more frequently than when he was in college. I am very proud of what my kids are doing. Both had serious health problems during their childhoods and my son has severe learning disabilities. I am proud of how well he did in college and how well he is doing now. Elementary school, middle school and high schools were real struggles. His grandmother says that early on, she thought he wouldnāt be able to go to college because of his LDs.</p>
<p>What I wrote is the reality of my life. What are you unhappy about?</p>
<p>iām happy for you shawbridge. I am really happy that you are doing well and iām sorry if anyone is unhappy with your happiness.</p>
<p>the reality is, however, that not everyone can travel as they wishāand not every college graduate is successful upon graduation. </p>
<p>i donāt think anyone is begrudging you your happiness. i will say that i really struggled with the empty nest transition. it was hurtful when others belittled my struggles. friends would often tout their wonderful experiences as proof that i should be happier without even realizing that i was trying to be happyā¦i was not trying to choose a unhappy attitude, but just telling someone to be happy about being an empty nester doesnāt diminish their feelings of sadness. </p>
<p>it doesnāt work the same for everyone.</p>
<p>I agree with you wbow and Iāll add one more point. When you have health issues that prevent you from easily traveling or picking up a new physical exercise/hobby, there are limitations to what you fill that parent time slot with. You will eventually figure out how to do it but the transition is more difficult.</p>
<p>And another thing ā¦ when youāre worried about being āthatā couple, you know, the one who lasts about three weeks after their last child leaves? That makes it difficult too.</p>
<p>wbow and Lakemom. I concur. Not everyone will be able to travel. Not all kids will do well right out of the box (though some that do will have bad patches later). Some will have health issues. [I do at the moment and they are blocking me from doing something I would be doing next week, my wife does and my kids did]. </p>
<p>I also recognize that weāve been fortunate in life. Some of that fortune has come from good choices. Some from extremely hard work. [Last night I worked until 2:30 AM and got up at 7 to prep for a 9 AM conference call]. But, as Michael Lewis pointed out, a significant part of good results in life come from luck. While that good fortune means we can go to Italy or use frequent flyer miles to help a kid fly to India, for example, we still have to be humble about how much of our good fortune came for our choices and actions and how much from luck. </p>
<p>I think as I probably said earlier in this thread that the first level of happiness comes from community, meaning and structure. Roughly speaking, my sense is that people tend to get depressed when two of the three are missing. ShawWife and I always had a lively life not relating to our kids, though we both put a lot of time and energy into the kids. Part of my sense of meaning is enabling my kids as best as I can to have happy, successful adult lives (with success to be defined largely by them) ā but that doesnāt end or really change when they go to college or get a job. For others, especially SAHMs, they will have to build up two or more. Someone whose community came from the schools and whose structure came in part from the kidsā school days will need to rebuild both when they no longer have kids in the schools. And, if someoneās sense of personal meaning came from putting great kids out into the world, well, meaning may be an issue as well. Then lots of work is needed. And no amount of telling someone they should be happy will make them happy. They need to create the community, meaning and structure that enables them to be happy.</p>
<p>The studies on happiness suggest that people can be happy with serious physical issues. Books on happiness by Tal Ben Schachar and Dan Gilbert and stuff by Martin Seligman are worth reading. Being generous (helping others) tends to make people happier. I can imagine that even bound at home, someone could take on new things ā learn about a new area, write a blog sharing that knowledge, focusing on areas that will help people ā that would feel good. Getting there would as you say, Lakemom, take time. However, it helps to know what kinds of things seem to actually help.</p>
<p>footballmom104, I hadnāt thought of that problem at all. Iām no stranger to couples splitting up. Again, fortunately, the experience is not firsthand, but we have close friends. I have seen men trading in wife number one for a taller, younger, thinner, blonder wife number 2 and women dumping a husband who is just a taker and whom theyāve grown to detest and a few other variants, but it hasnāt typically happened right after the kids went to college. But, I can imagine that would be a frightening prospect.</p>
<p>shawbridge-- </p>
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<p>Could not have said it better. If the kids are not ever all there is in āthe nest,ā it is not empty when they launch.</p>
<p>Will you adopt me shawbridge? :)</p>
<p>My DH and I have allowed ourselves to get too busy with work to take time for much fun. I realize that its really important to make time for ourselves so we dont burn out. The kids are launched, and though I lament feeling a bit useless with respect to parenting (I started a lamenting thread about that), reading this thread, combines with hearing that an old friend from elementary school recently passed away, and several friends have become recent widows makes me realize we need to put more fun back into our lives.</p>
<p>jym, sure, happy to adopt you. There is a waiting list, though, from the HS Class of 2011 thread. </p>
<p>But, you should definitely allow yourselves to have fun. Iām sure youāve read Seligmanās oeuvre, but some of the pop psych happiness books like ben Schachar and Gilbert are pretty good. Jonathan Haidt and Sonja someone also have books. I havenāt read Haidtās but his other work The Righteous Mind is outstanding.</p>
<p>I made a very close friend in graduate school. Heās a guy with a lot of wisdom. We get together for a three+ day retreat where we examine what we want/value in our lives in various spheres (professional, spouse, kids, health, spirit, and legacy). We look at how weāve been allocating our efforts to make sure we are in line with our values and use those to judge decisions. We usually do it in the mountains, which I tend to find more spiritual. Off to do that next week. We started once a week in grad school and did our first retreat after I finished my PhD back in the dark ages. Weāve been doing it annually since then. I bought my ticket on JetBlue a year ago, so it was pretty cheap. Taking the opportunity to reflect on my life every year has been really valuable in the choices Iāve made and, back to the above, I think Iām happier as a result those choices.</p>
<p>This has been a very helpful and interesting thread to follow and I am appreciative of everyoneās honest responses.
I have been asked at least daily for the past four months, some variation of āwhat are you going to do when all three leave?ā
Yesterday, I finally admitted to myself that while I have a list of things I have out off (book club, cooking class, finishing scrapbooks and organizing, home projects etc etc) I donāt want to have time for all these things.
I honestly am not ready to not be parenting on a daily basis and have kids home. It went too fast and I have enjoyed almost every minute. I am feeling a little gypped that we donāt get to spread this out and enjoy it more, savor the orientations, planning etc instead of the āholy crap, Iām moving one child in every other day for a week and then coming home to an empty houseā just seems like it has been 100 miles an hour and then Iāll hit a wallā¦
So, while I had lots of activities pre kids and will have more time with current ones and new onesā¦Iām just not emotionally ready for this next phase!</p>
<p>Iāll wait in line, shawbridge ;)</p>
<p>Just blocked off 2 Mondays so can have 4 day weekends in August (assuming DH takes off Fri/Mon). Nowā¦ what to doā¦ Thoughts?</p>
<p>If you two like junking there is the Hwy 127 Corridor Sale in August. It starts in Alabama. </p>
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<p>Or head to the Smokey Mts.</p>