social awkwardness

Parents Forum
1

<p>I've decided to post my another problem on this forum since I've found out that the parents here can provide me a lot of useful advice. </p>

<p>I know being socially awkward may be something that you've never encountered in your life but it is really my dilemma. </p>

<p>In elementary school I was very outgoing. Something major happened during my middle school year and I have gradually become more and more socially awkward. What can I do to grow out of it? It is now becoming a bigger and bigger problem and I just don't know how to deal with it.</p>

2

<p>Happysunshine are you still in high school? My daughters were also socially awkward in high school but they paid careful attention when choosing between colleges and have been having a fabulously social experience as freshmen. If you give us more of an idea of what sorts of situations you are referring to as well as your age we will be better able to help you out.</p>

3

<p>Social awkwardness can mean a lot of things. At one end of the spectrum, probably every high school kid feels socially awkward inside. At the other end is real social anxiety, which would be best treated by a professional. For most, though, it’s a phase that they do grow out of as they get older – some in college, some later.</p>

<p>Agree with historymom – if you give more details, perhaps we can help. I was a veerrrry socially awkward teenager, not at all now in my 40s – but you probably don’t want to wait 30 years to see if it gets better! ;)</p>

4

<p>95% of the people on CC are socially awkward. Avoid their advice at all costs.</p>

5

<p>really? How do you know??</p>

6

<p>Refer to the College Life board.</p>

7

<p>Many kids in MS experience difficulties during that time in their life. Sounds like that major-something that happened in middle school is something that moved you to feel “socially awkward”. One of the best ways to start thinking about it, is to consider what changed (was is friendships? how you look? something about academics? family?) and if it’s a temporary or long-term concern.</p>

<p>The “it” is a bit ambiguous, so we can’t really guide you. “What can I do to grow out of it? It is now becoming a bigger and bigger problem and I just don’t know how to deal with it.” But I hope you feel better just writing here.</p>

8

<p>Being socially awkward in some situations is completely normal. Being awkward in all situations is not. Do you have even one friend? A handful of reasonably close friends? Do you feel fine in small groups? Are you worried or anxious or unsure in large groups? </p>

<p>Most people are unsure in large groups. Many people avoid them. It’s worse when you’re younger.</p>

<p>Most people feel okay in small groups of people they know. That varies depending on the group but you should feel reasonably okay around people you know.</p>

<p>Most people have at least a few friends. They may not be close but they are friends of a sort. </p>

<p>So if you’re socially awkward but have some friends and feel reasonably comfortable around people you know then you are normal and you’ll likely learn over time how to handle different situations. </p>

<p>Finally, look at your parents. Are they reasonably social? Do they have friends? If so, then you will likely be reasonably social, etc. If they are loners, then it’s more likely you’ll be a loner - which is fine. If they are awkward around people, it’s more likely you’ll be awkward around people - which is fine. If your parents are complete basket cases then be glad you’ll likely be more like the average.</p>

<p>Note that it’s easier to be outgoing when you’re young because your relationships are all simpler and there is less emotional complexity involved in each of you and between your peers. Things change. That part of life tends to get better.</p>

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<p>LOL, B0okshelf!!</p>

10

<p>My dad is a recluse but I just don’t want him to influence me. </p>

<p>I have a few friends now but none are intimate enough that I can confide very private things to. </p>

<p>I used to have one bff for like 6 years but I went to the best middle school and she did not (she was a top student as well but she was sick during the entrance exam) and everything started to fall apart.</p>

11

<p>So much of getting comfortable in your own skin happens over time. In high school, differences between folks are often highlighted and exaggerated - as everyone is trying to figure out where they fit in. You were probably more outgoing in elementary school because younger kids tend to be more accepting of everyone. You are becoming more shy and reserved because you are feeling more judgement from your peers. The more you think about yourself, the more shy you will become. Think about it: being shy or fearful comes because you are afraid of others’ reactions to you.</p>

<p>Everyone feels awkward at some time or another. Much of it is our personality. Some folks do well one on one, others do well in small groups, and others prefer large groups. Few folks are equally comfortable in all those areas.</p>

<p>It is helpful to understand the strengths and weaknesses of your personality. For example, I am best one on one, and piano teaching is great for me. I also have no fear of public speaking. But I absolutely hate having to be moderator of a group discussion - or even participating in one. (You might sense I have some control issues. I like being in charge!)</p>

<p>Avoid comparisons. Some of your friends are gregarious - outgoing, popular, charming. Believe it or not, those folks have weaknesses, too. Typical for that personality type is less attention to detail, often late, and sometimes conversation monopolizers, and not good listeners. (And many of those kids are unhappy with themselves, too! They wish they were MORE popular, or smarter, or something else.) Some folks have many superficial friendships, and others have few but deep. Nothing wrong with either. And it’s not unusual to go through periods where you feel like you have NO friends, NO one understands you. Life cycles like that, and it will pass.</p>

<p>Feeling awkward on a date, or in a situation where you don’t know what to say? Ask about the other person. Show genuine interest. People like to talk about themselves, and then you don’t have to do anything but listen. Friendships take time to develop, but there is an old saying that the best way to have a friend is to be one.</p>

<p>Another thing that can make you (falsely) feel awkward is if you are just different from those around you. My oldest son did not mesh in high school. Where we live, sports is everything, and he is not particularly athletic. He looked for colleges that would appreciate people like him - known here on CC as “fit”. He did well, and found a great group of friends who valued the things he did.</p>

12

<p>I once heard this advice and thought I’d pass it on…</p>

<p>If you feel socially awkward, try observing mature and nice people who you are not. Notice how they walk, stand, talk, mannerisms, etc. Notice how they greet people and inspire other people. People who aren’t socially awkward tend to “stand taller,” have a welcoming expression on their faces, walk with confidence, are friendly, have a sense of humor… They even tend to wear more confidently-looking clothing/accessories (this is true, even tho it sounds odd!)</p>

<p>Try to adopt some of those mannerisms. It will feel funny at first, but pretend that you’re doing a role in a play of a more confident person. Sometimes “feelings” follow actions… What I mean by that is that sometimes after you adopt a new (good) behavior, it becomes natural to you. </p>

<p>If you don’t have the “gift for gab,” then don’t expect to …at least for a bit. Start by thinking ahead of the sentence that you’re going to say, and then say it (this will avoid having your words come out in an odd way). When you get more comfortable with speaking with others or in front of groups, you’ll be able to talk more.</p>

<p>Believe me…polite confident people have had that behavior modeled to them. So, go find yourself some confident (not rude/arrogant) people to be your role models.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

13

<p>Another thing you can do is look for extracurricular activities where you can contribute. This will put you with a group of students with similar interests, who will appreciate your willingness to help. At my kids’ school, a lot of kids get involved in the drama society, including the crew (sets, lighting, etc.)–it’s a place where willingness to pitch in may overcome a lot of awkwardness.</p>

14

<p>Since you have made at least one friend in the past, are there things you could do outside of school where you would meet kids you might befriend–a youth group of your faith, a scout troop, a community service project, etc.? You’ll go into one of these groups with a clean slate. The kids won’t have any preconceived notions about you. </p>

<p>Adding to what Hunt said, I recommend both scut working and audience participation. If your school orchestra has a concert, even if you aren’t in the orchestra, ask if they need help selling tickets, handing out programs, selling snacks during admission, etc. If there’s an event, volunteer for the clean up crew or simply pitch in without being asked. If you school has a debate or speech team, volunteer to keep time. People like people who help do the work. </p>

<p>Be an audience. Read the school paper–tell one of the reporters how much you enjoyed the article (s)he wrote. Go to a school concert–tell the girl who sang the solo what a great job she did. Go watch one of the less popular sports teams at your school. Ask what is going on.</p>

<p>When you start, I recommend that you avoid asking questions of someone who might think you’re romantically attracted to him/her or complimenting someone who is going to get lots of compliments. In other words, if basketball rules at your school, I wouldn’t ask the captain of the basketball team to explain basketball. Pick something where the participants are unlikely to have a big audience and get lots of kudos. “I’ve never seen a wrestling or gymanastics match, how does the scoring work?” You can even ask a parent if it’s easier. Pretty soon, others will chime in. MOST people LOVE compliments and talking about what’s of interest to them. </p>

<p>If you go to a party or other social event, get there early. When there are only a few people there, it’s more likely that others will start a conversation with you and it takes less courage on your part to start a conversation. (The noise level is also likely to be lower.) If there’s food and trays to be passed , do it. Taking a tray of appetizers around a party almost always results in meeting a couple of people. </p>

<p>Above all remember that a lot of other people feel socially awkward too. Good luck!</p>

15

<p>Since you have friends and have had a true confidant, then you’re normal. If your dad is a recluse, you have to be aware of that and learn your way around that urge if you feel it. I wouldn’t worry about not having a super best friend right now. People change and go through their own things. BTW, think about your dad for moment. Does he go to work and talk to people there? In other words, is he a genuine recluse or does he not like to go out at home? The difference is that some people get the social life they need at work and need home to be their own. Remember, behavior is complicated and rarely is something absolutely wrong or absolutely normal. All behavior is on a spectrum. </p>

<p>I have yet to meet a teen who isn’t had these issues and questions. The ones who don’t have issues.</p>

16

<p>Check out a book called Don’t Call Me Shy by Laurie Adelman, and the website by the same name (<a href=“http://www.dontcallmeshy.com%5B/url%5D”>www.dontcallmeshy.com</a>). It proved very helpful for my extremely shy 17 year old niece.</p>

17

<p>One time in high school, I was talking outside of school with a socially adept friend - not a Queen Bee but a nice, well-liked girl. I was certainly socially awkward in high school.</p>

<p>A boy was doing something really dumb, probably to impress us/her, and as I was about to say to him “you idiot!” she looked at him with care and concern showing on her face and said “Oh! Be careful!” He appeared to be happy with this interaction.</p>

<p>And I thought, well, no wonder she is liked - she shows people, all the time, that she is interested in them and cares about them. She was/(still is, I’m sure) a better listener than I am.</p>

<p>So I throw that out to you; part of being socially adept is to let people know that you care about them. (I didn’t want the boy to fall off the wall, either, but I would never have told him that.)</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

18

<p>I agree with MidwestMom jonri and mom2college. Show people that you are really interested in what they have to say. Have conversations where you listen 90% of the time, and talk 10% of the time, until you gradually form a relationship with the other person and get to the point where the conversations are 50/50. Volunteer for things and make yourself really useful.
We get better at things when we practice them.
Consider taking a Dale Carnegie course. They are a bit expensive but it may be the best investment you ever made. Everyone improves!
Consider joining Toastmasters. Everyone there is practicing social skills, and they are there to support each other.</p>