My student is at a boarding school, but they are a day student. I think it’s like 60/40 mix day/boarding. Student is very friendly with other students during the day, but no actual friends to hang out with nights or weekends. Weekends are pretty lonely. Teachers are exceptional, and I do mean exceptional, kid is super inspired in classes, I couldn’t ask for better in class experience but culture there is exclusionary towards day students. My student has never felt welcome there once the school day ended. I spoke to another day student parent and they said their kid is the same, so it’s definitely not just my kid. Am I expecting too much? Are you all just there for the classes? Do many schools still do this today? I’d love opinions. We aren’t leaving, it’s not even a consideration but things like the school auction and annual giving come up and it’s a real challenge for me. I’m super grateful to teachers, and would give generously (by my standards) but how do I donate to a community my kid so often doesn’t feel a part of?
Is your kid wanting to be involved and being frozen out or is he just not as active as you had hoped?
Here are a couple of thoughts that may or may not frame this. If he is on campus all day every day Monday through Friday and if he’s an introvert, he may be getting all the socializing he wants/can endure during the week and is happy to recharge his batteries on the weekend.
If other kids are engaging in risky behavior on the weekend, he may be making good choices in staying away from that. Indeed, many high school students drift away from friends during this time because they aren’t on the same page about what “fun” they want to pursue.
Does your school have activities on the weekends that are open to day students? That’s one avenue - just join in what interests him. That includes clubs that may meet after dinner duringthe week. Make sure your kid knows you aren’t locked into a 6:00 pickup (or whatever you normally do.) Also, support him in building friendships. If the school has any trips or weekend volunteering opportunities, those are often an easy way to get to know a group of people in a different context that can lead to friendship. Volunteer to host international students over holidays. You may also want to encourage friendships with other day students- ask him if he wants to invite someone to do something. One thing that is hard about this is that it will require you to drive so you may need to be available and not grumble about that inconvenience.
Lastly, you can consider changing status to boarding if you think it might help.
All these ideas come from having been in a similar position. Fwiw, my kid did have friends on campus and welcomed the weekend break for his first few years. He then became more involved and social and now, several years out of college, remains close to his BS friends. But we were worried for those first few years.
As for how this affects your relationship with the school, it sounds like you can be supportive. In fact, to the extent you can be - not just financially but by attending events and socializing at them, you may get some insights into various goings-on that might interest your kid.
I think this is just a school thing and isn’t necessarily about day or boarding. It’s so difficult not to be hurt when you see your child having fewer social opportunities than you expected.
I don’t think the school fundraising has anything to do with that. If you are grateful to the school and willing and able to support them, go right ahead. It sounds like you are happy with their work.
Everyone- adults and children- is so busy in today’s culture. Extracurriculars are extremely time consuming, adults who work, including those who work at the school and parents, are often overworked, the school work load can be significant, etc. By the time all of the expectations are fulfilled, it doesn’t often leave much room in time or energy for socializing in a more informal way. I’ve not had a child in a boarding school, but I can imagine that the staff who is responsible for programming for the boarders is likely stretched too thin to include everyone.
I remember once, when my child was in middle school, I was strongly considering a boarding school for him and the AO who was advocating for his application asked me once if I would be able to pay for and accompany a small group of students to local concerts once or twice a year if my student enrolled. It’s all hands on deck in schools today. If it’s bothering you and you are able, you could organize an outing like this one.
Does your child participate in sports, the arts, clubs…anything where he gets to know kids? At BS a lot of the social interaction is outside of the classroom—meals, sports/ECs, dorm life. Have him spend as much time there joining in and attending weekend events on campus. Have him invite a boarder or two for dinner on a weekend—boarders are often looking to get off campus. And if he’s friends with other day students help encourage building those friendships. It’s no fun watching your child struggle socially but it sounds like with that ratio there’s opportunity with boarders and day students.
I empathize with your situation, as I also have a day student son in a 60/40 day/boarding population school. S24 is an introvert, and his 9th grade year was the 20-21 Covid year, so it got off to a rough start. Some campus activities returned during his second year. We’re finally experiencing a fully “normal” school year this year with more opportunities to be on campus outside of the school day.
That being said, S24 does not have an active social life on the weekends. Most of his friends are day students, he knows very few boarders. Since the school pulls from a wide area for days students, it’s common that his day student friends live close to an hour away. Since he’s an introvert, he’s not going to be one to initiate weekend activities with friends who are at such a distance.
This being year 3 for him, he’s just now starting to attend some weekend, school wide events on campus. Even though some activities were offered last year, he was not as interested in attending. But once some of his day student friends started attending events this year, he got more involved and now wants to go to some of these things. Although he doesn’t attend weekend trips (like whitewater rafting or local amusement park, as examples). Those types of trips are usually only attended by boarders, even though they are open to everyone.
I will say that I think S24’s school has always struggled to offer events for all students outside of the classroom. When we attended an open house in Fall 2019, there was a student panel there to take questions. A parent asked the panel if there was anything the students would change about the school. A boarding student replied that the weekends can often feel long and boring, and there is often not enough to do. And that was pre-Covid. Since then we’ve attended some weekend sporting events on campus and have usually found the campus to be quiet and a bit sleepy.
I went to boarding school in the 90s as a four year boarder, and my S22 was a 4 year boarder at Mercersburg Academy. There are relationships made in the dorms after hours that don’t include the day student population. I think it’s safe to say that being a day student at any boarding school has its challenges.
But, there is a significant difference in the amount and quality of social opportunities from one school to the next. In my experience, a lot of it comes down to funding. Schools that have large endowments can afford to employ staff who focus on student programming, and can offer a variety of events on and off campus for everyone to enjoy. We have certainly seen this to be true.
S24’s school has always struggled financially. I consider 40% boarding (or anything less than 50% boarding) to be a sign that the boarding program is not strong or healthy. Even moreso if the boarding population is mostly international (as it is at S24’s school.) His school took a significant hit during Covid and still has not recovered. As such, their budget limits what social events they can offer to students. The school your child attends may have the same predicament. I believe in financially supporting the private schools my kids attend, so I have given every year, even when I feel disgruntled at times. I’m sorry to hear of your child’s experience at school, I know that it’s very difficult to watch as a parent. I hope things improve in future years for them.
Thank you so much gardenstatelegal
They started off with friends there, wanting to do things, but the first friends were all boarding students. My kid was the only day student in the little group so it was pretty isolating. It was also completely unsustainable. Eventually they said they couldn’t be friends with boarders because they were unreachable. Still friendly with, just not friends. That piece was hard for me. I have a kid who is picky about friends and you keep half the school away from them. They have made attempts with some day students this year. It may work out in the long run with them. They are trying. No desire to do anything social with boarding kids ever again. So they were frozen out, for a long time, and then they gave up and yes, I might have wanted more for them. They had a lot of love in the day school they came from so this whole thing caught me by surprise.
An unusual kid, but not an introvert. Friendly, usually well liked, I think well liked there, but definitely particular about actual friends. Asks to do things in the community here to fill the space. I help set that stuff up, but that’s not where you get friends in high school. It’s just stuff to do.
There was zero risky behavior from the boarding kids. Super nice kids. All of them overly anxious. Not behavior problem kids at all. I spoke to their parents at an event last year and they told me their kids adored my kid. So it was super unfortunate that they were shut out.
No day student specific activities. They SHOULD be doing this. It’s a great idea. Especially because the other day student parent I spoke to had the same experience with their student. Lonely. I doubt I would feel this way if the first friends were day students. They also don’t offer evening activities. End of the day and they are done.
Kid knows I would drive to the moon and back for them so distance isn’t an issue if they meet day students.
Won’t board. I asked. Don’t think they would ever consider now it given the circumstances.
Uggh. Socializing. You got me here. It’s the one thing I won’t do. I went to everything initially but having a glass of wine with people who excluded my kid (or any kid). Just no. I’m actually upset enough that I wouldn’t be good company.
I see the consensus is if the classrooms and after school activities are excellent, and they are, I should be happy. I appreciate the feedback. It helps to keep the focus on the good stuff and there is lots of good stuff.
Thanks SupportiveMom11
I don’t think it would be possible to be happier with the efforts in the classrooms.
And you are correct, the staff is stretched too thin.
Thanks so much Boardingschoolx2
Day kids aren’t allowed in dorms.
And we did invite out. It took Herculean efforts to organize. That was part of the issue. Unreachable kids. We needed to file paperwork in triplicate and have it in midweek in order to go into town and have a soda on Saturday and that doesn’t work. (That’s an exaggeration, but not too far off)
They are working on connecting with day students. It may work out in the end. I’m very encouraging of anything social.
I used to recommend boarding schools wholeheartedly, my oldest went to one many years ago as both a day and boarding student. Different school of course. They had more opportunities not less.
Thanks dramakid2
I think everything you said is spot on.
It’s terribly frustrating, and an awful circle for the schools to be trapped in. I mean, it’s an awful circle for our kids to be trapped in too. Look, I’m sitting here getting opinions on whether I want to donate at all and that’s the last thing they need. Especially when it feels like they’ve done all the really hard work in the classroom.
I’m sorry to read that your child initially had friends with boarding students, but things soured. That is very disheartening and I understand the hurt. Also agree that arranging to take a boarding student off campus can be an arduous task. Paperwork and approvals abound. There are online platforms that make that easier, but the school has to invest in that technology. Certainly agree that it’s a tough spot all around for schools and students to be in.
Who is the “they” in this sentence? Did school personnel say your child couldn’t be friends with boarders? Did the boarding students say they couldn’t be friends with your child? I am just trying to understand who put up the roadblock…
My student felt that way after a long time trying.
How do I explain this?
You could be friends, sure, no one takes that away, but your not allowed to join the others because the spaces they congregate are off limits. And asking them to come to you instead takes tons of work and advance planning which adds stress to an already stressed out group. But they can gather when and where they want with ease.
So it’s not that they specifically say don’t be friends. Not at all. They would never do that. The system, as it is, doesn’t allow for close friendships between the groups.
And as I said, we aren’t leaving. Very, very happy, with unbelievably smart, thoughtful and caring teachers, but donating extra to the community sometimes feels hard for me and that’s a shame for all of us. There are no winners here.
INteresting - D26’s school is 70/30% (and i think freshman yr is closer to 50/50?); Her perspective is the day students arent interested at all in socializing with boarders and tend to do their own things off campus with each other over weekends. She has 2 day student friends and it has taken better part of the YEAR to build this relationship esp when day students dont often come to the weekend social activities
Thanks - I understand better now. It’s a shame that the school policies are making it difficult for day and boarding students to spend “down time” together. There are things they could do (ex. assign day students to a dorm, allow day students access to common rooms etc.) but it sounds like they choose not to and therefore are not supporting the relationships (intentional or not, it is still the outcome). I understand that restrictions were required during COVID but wonder why they are still making those decisions now and why they are not working more on establishing their community. Most good administrations are aware that donations (especially from alumni) are very dependent on how “happy” the students are while they are attending.
High school social dynamics are always difficult (plenty of LPS parents tell me how their child is home on week ends not invited to get togethers etc.) and then when these additional challenges are added, it just stinks. We always hope they will “find their people” but that isn’t easy. Does you child keep in touch with any classmates from their previous school? As much as cell phones are a challenge for teens, being able to text friends can help keep relationships even when they can’t “see” each other every day. Friendships outside of the school can provide a good balance and perspective as high school can become an all encompassing micro environment which isn’t always healthy.
@Sleepingfish , no need to give money if you’re not feeling it. Don’t fret over that. But your kid - that’s different!
At our school, this would be an issue to raise with the Dean. I think it would be worthwhile for them to understand that there are 2 communities here, both of which are expected to enrich the experience of the other, who are struggling to connect. There may be solutions such as a blanket permission for the kids to come to your home or to meet at the local Starbucks. Or maybe the school has some common spaces that can be made available for kids who want to gather.
There are issues that can impede friendships that are structural – the boarders live together 7 days a week and the day students live at home. Policies can permit day students to stay overnight in the dorms from time to time or allow boarders to go home with day students. These may be harder to change.
Administrative issues, like cumbersome sign out processes or rules about where students can gather, are easier to fix.
And there’s the middle group - more activities that involve both groups, both on weekends and when there is no class.
Different schools have worked this out with varying levels of success. The first step is having kids who want to hang out together. Your son could be the catalyst!
I hate to blame Covid for this, but I am seeing this/hearing this in my child’s school as well as far as social relationships - undoubtedly there are kids who are building amazing relationships/friendships with their classmates (both day and boarding) but it seems like the majority of teenagers are struggling socially post-Covid. Did they miss out on an important window for social development? I think that is possible. Our friends with high school students at our local private and public schools also report that their kids are struggling socially. So many have social anxiety or just overwhelming anxiety in general. I think this is an epidemic in this cohort of kids, and the OP’s situation as a day student at a boarding school just makes it that much tougher.
Thanks for the great ideas, all of you.
I didn’t intend to hang out and beat up my student’s school today. Just a moment of insanity and frustration on a sleepless night.
A couple thoughts before I go.
You’ve all been incredibly helpful.
The thing I am taking away from this is that everyone is right.
I mean, it’s Covid in a hundred thousand different ways.
It’s also not enough money at the school.
It’s also they could do better, even with limited resources.
I will donate something. They are very special people who are great to my kid in every other way, many times in ways that I wouldn’t expect.
My kid is OK. An elementary school friend and a couple of middle school friends pop in once every month or so. They are busy, with their own high school lives but they are also real friends so they make a little time for my kid who is always happy to see them.
This is a really supportive group, good to know your here.
Maybe the school should reassess the process.
The process for my kid to get approval to go off campus seems simpler than what you’re describing.
@Sleepingfish , I was thinking of you and your child. I recall when my son was at school that on some Friday evenings in the spring, there would be these huge games of capture the flag or manhunt, probably inspired by similar summer camp activities. They were extremely popular and would involve hundreds of students . They were student-conceived and student-organized, and they were not spur of the moment things (although there were those too from time to time, too!.)
Perhaps your son and his school friends could approach the administration to organize whatever appealed to them. It could be big like that, or it could be a board games evening. They may not feel comfortable doing it now, but they might next year. None of these ideas require money, just permission. Just saying that your kid, not you, could drive this if he and his school friends wanted to make a go of it.
And yes yes yes to covid having impacted social life. It’s hard for kids to get readjusted to being in person and they can’t simply recover to where they would have been “pre-pandemic normal” after having had such an extended gap. At the same time, school communities didn’t just pick up where they left off either. Everyone continues to find their way.