<p>Hello CCers, I'm sure that most of you are enjoying your time your respective colleges/universities. Unfortunately for me, I thought that I was havinga great college experience at UCSD for my first year as a freshman, but with the 2nd quarter down, now I'm not so sure...I honestly have no idea what is wrong with me since coming here. This post will be pretty long, so if you want, you can skip down to my main point or read this whole post. No pressure though! But please bear with me.</p>
<p>First quarter: Muir freshman, living with pretty cool roommates and suitemates. I talk to a great length with one of my roommates, but not so much with the other. As for suitemates, they're fun to hang out with, to tag along and have classes with, but essentially, for me, I don't think I really have a connection with them. And by connection, I mean a connection that defines us as close friends. That's what my central goal is for college: forming close relationships with anyone I meet, since I NEVER really had a close friend in my lifetime. Now, I know most of you guys will say that it's not possible. And I'll agree to an extent. I do know PLENTY of people back during high school and now in college. Some of my friends noted me for that, a value they wish they could have. However, when I say know, I mean as in not only by their names, but like basic things about a person, like say, a major, or hometown. That's what most of my conversations circle around. I don't essentially mean "know", as in, knowing someone's struggle, various interests that appeal to both of us, anything random that we'll try to talk upon; essentially, this "know" is synonymous with having a close friend. That's my interpretation of it. But back to my discussion, by feeling not so close w/roommates, I looked to 2 clubs where I could "know" people and ultimately discover a close friend(s). With my mindset believing that I should to look to all members within the clubs, I know not just everyone's names, but just basic stuff and whatnot. I thought that by going to the clubs' events and meetings, I could bond with people. However, I came to a couple of perceptions regarding my social life within all of this: </p>
<p>1) I believe I may be out of touch/out of the loop with everyone. By that, I mean that everyone is all into popular culture
(i.e current celebrities, sports (basketball, football), food, other friends I don't know, etc.). Through that, I feel unknowledgeable of my current world, stupid, distant, and clueless from everyone since I know so little.</p>
<p>2) I feel as though by not knowing what to talk about (refer to 1st point) or having little to talk about (up to academics, like "how's your major" or food/local restaurants), I can't hold conversations for long. And by not holding conversations for long, I feel depressed. And thru feeling depressed, I feel lonely.</p>
<p>3) I feel as though I'm in some sort of vicious cycle where I can't stop feeling lonely (in the sense that despite knowing may people, I don't really "know" anyone or I don't know enough for someone), depressed (over my current social condition), and desperate (in the outlook of not wasting any time whatsoever to getting to "know" people).</p>
<p>4) Despite people telling me that you can only have a set amount of "close friends", my mind CONTINUOUSLY dwells upon WHO should I hang out with in order to form THAT set amount, in spite of the clubs I've explored. </p>
<p>5) For both fall and winter quarter, I mostly lied on my bed for hours contemplating on these thoughts and my past life. As I said before, with me feeling desperate, me lying on the bed makes perfect time to Facebook for as long as I need. To me, this seems to be ultimately a waste of time, in which I know there's PLENTY of activities my friends are doing, but that with me not "knowing" them, I come back to my dorm just to feel down. </p>
<p>7) While I do "know" a few people enough to text & plan one-on-ones or activities or anything, I don't "know" most of my friends enough to ask for their numbers in order to text & plan out hangouts & the whatnot. Along with that, there's recently been more people rejecting my invites to have one-on-ones, mostly because either he/she is busy, had to hangout with someone else, didn't reply to my text, or simply forgot. I would sometimes text to my friends just to remind them, but like I said, for most, there's nothing;</p>
<p>And so I come to you guys for HELP. I ask myself, "WHY AM I LIKE THIS? WHY does it feel like high school ll over again? What am I doing wrong? Is it spreading myself too thin? WHAT am I supposed to DO?!" With not wanting to waste any valuable minute I have for college, what shall I do? What do you guys advise? How can I deal with ALL of this? (What's even worse; this is all affecting my academic performance for the first 2 quarters, since I currently have a 2.5 GPA. )</p>