Okay. It’s almost Thanksgiving and I wanted to see what other parents of the current freshman (Class of 2025) are hearing from their kids about socializing on campuses. My DD hasn’t had the best experience on her LAC campus and it’s hard to tell if her experience is unique to her campus, or there are some real social traumas because of COVID happening to college students everywhere?
We are taking steps for her mental health: She is meeting with a therapist weekly, she was moved into a single mid-October because of personal safety issues with roommate (it was a bad fit right away but then needles, harder drugs, and strangers brought into room in the middle of night happened-eek), and we are taking her on a trip during Thanksgiving. She also loves her classes and campus job.
BUT-she is having very little “fun”. Her fellow freshman just don’t want to hang out much and there aren’t open parties or activities. Doors remain closed on the floor. She says you can hear people in rooms laughing but no one seems interested in expanding their friend groups. It’s as if the freshman and sophomores are still acting like high school cliques.
She is a DJ, has made about three friends with a lot of effort, is in a club, and planning to rush next semester to have access to social activities. She has never been a super popular child, but she was really excited to meet new people and engage with diverse people.
I feel she is making a good effort. But I wonder if the closed doors, staying in cliques, no floor activities by floor RA is because COVID disrupted the usual college rhythms? Because the Sophomores were mostly zoom or limited face to face activities, are they the missing link between campus college traditions and the freshman? My daughter says her club and others on campus are disappointing because the upperclassman don’t actually “lead” the new kids. There aren’t mixers because of Covid regulations so it’s hard to meet new people.
If next semester doesn’t improve, we have let her know that she can transfer if she wants. But she is wondering if the social scene is really any different on any other LAC?
What have your freshman reported about social life on their campus? Are they part of campus tradition? Do they feel unwelcomed by upper classes? Are their fellow freshman friendly and ready to meet people? Do doors remain closed all the time? Just wondering what else is happening out there for her peers.
I am glad to see a parent referring explicitly to the effect of COVID. I am finding that students and parents sometimes have a sort of block about this and don’t realize the pandemic’s effect.
I also think that starting off with a roommate who has hard drugs and syringes in the room is an unusually difficult situation. Were there any consequences for the roommate?
Does your daughter like having a single?
Three friends is a good start. It looks like her future plans for expanding her circle will help and after the holidays (and possible surge) things may be better with widespread vaccinations and new treatments.
Some schools may be more open in the context of COVID. But longer term I would not judge her current environment yet. A lot of her difficulties are common at this stage of a freshman year, as is the desire to maybe leave. But COVID certainly makes it worse.
One of my freshmen is at Clemson and has been living large, tons of dorm friends (all freshmen), took in another part time roommate and she loves having two now, pledged a sorority so tons of parties, mixers, formals, says she loves walking around on campus and having a bunch of people say hi to her, feels so lucky. She’s so happy. Her twin brother withdrew from Rutgers, mental health issues, I blame some on covid but not all. He was pretty miserable, only had one in person class, which didn’t help. His roommate wasn’t the best fit, nothing wrong with him, just not a lot in common. I’m glad my daughter chose to go south.
I agree with this. At this point in college, it’s completely common and normal for a freshman to still be trying to find her feet. It sounds to me like you daughter has things under control and I wouldn’t worry.
Re transferring, just make her aware that she needs to have all her ducks lined up if she wants to do that. I’d make her totally in charge of the process. Don’t aid in anyway, except maybe pay for apps. She needs to ask herself “ what’s going to be different about another college?”
In all honesty, all you describe sounds like it could be any college. Those of us who have been around have heard all these words before: no one leaves doors open, the activities aren’t fun, etc…. What’s the retention rate at her college? If it’s anything north of 85% or so, I’m guessing that most students are happy and your daughter needs more time to adjust.
Covid restrictions are not going to disappear overnight, and she will likely encounter them at the next college she transfers to. Let her know she can prepare some transfer apps, but make that her responsibility, totally. I’m thinking she will stay put.
What has the COVID situation looked like at Clemson with this less restricted college life?
I will reiterate that it is very common for freshmen to feel lonely and a little lost, and want to go home or transfer, and many of those still feeling this way over the holidays, feel better by spring.
We adults also experience this kind of disorientation and isolation when we move, and we are experienced at it!
They have a indoor mask mandate that is not enforced, weekly testing of vaccinated and unvaccinated, a hotel for those who test positive, 60% are vaccinated but it’s not mandated, almost all in person classes, and this weekend they are bringing back gathering at the paw, where all of the fans rush the field at the end of the game.
FWIW, it sounds like your D is doing a good job. Having a small group of friends now and a plan to extend the social circle next semester is wonderful. IMO, transferring just makes her have to start over from zero again socially.
I have a college senior at a big state public. I vividly remember getting a teary phone call around this time of year when she was a freshman (pre-covid) that she hadn’t made any “really close” friends and that she missed the bonds she had in HS. Relationships take time and a couple of months at college isn’t the same as years and years of growing up with people.
I guess my point is that some of it is normal college stuff, not related to Covid, but I do think Covid has made it much more difficult for new freshmen. Your D sounds like she’s doing everything right. I hope she chooses to hang in there with her school.
And big hugs to you, OP. Hard to see our children struggling.
My D is a sophomore and has definitely been effected by COVID socially. Last year her floor was super close. Because of covid restrictions they hung out with each other all the time but around Feb or March last year things started to change and her floor just wasn’t as close anymore. This year she lives with a former suitemate and her BF is across the hall. She is finding it nearly impossible to meet other people. Her floor is mostly freshmen and like your D she said they all keep their doors closed. She has invited them over for game & movie nights but just said they aren’t interested in meeting people. And the sophomores either seem to have their groups formed or are just socially awkward. I think the pandemic really did a number on these kids. She is moving second semester to an on-campus apartment with new people and her BF will be across the hall with new people as well. She is hoping this will be a fresh start for her social life, otherwise she is going to look into transferring although I’m not sure that’s the solution either, especially going in as a Junior. She tried joining a few clubs but she said none of them seem to really “do” anything. The officers seem to do stuff but no one else.
I guess my suggestion would be to see if maybe she can get into a different living situation for second semester? Maybe a different dorm with a roommate? Some RA’s are great at helping kids socialize and some floors are just more social than others. Tell her to keep up the friendships she has and just try to expand on those. Sometimes people are more willing to join a group of kids doing something than just being asked by one person.
My freshman was very lonely the first month. Other more experienced parents told me its not uncommon for the kids to not find their footing until second semester. That being said, my daughter decided to rush and from that point forward it really opened a lot of doors for her confidence as well as having more full social calendar. She too complained about doors on the hall being closed, and clicks in place from day one. That has since changed.
I think you daughter is doing everything she can and I hope after the holidays she continues to meet more people. Even though my daughter is happy now she can’t wait to come home next week and then the long winter break.
I’m so sorry to hear about her experience with the roommate. Honestly, this is why I think that new freshman dorms should be built as mostly small singles. Yes, many people have a good roommate experience, but the risk of a bad one is significant, and can really mess up freshman year for students. I’d hate to have my child with someone who is making them miserable, or worse yet, endangering them.
The fact is that the first month or so of freshman year is an intensely social time, not matched ever again as an undergrad. Even if she were to transfer, most schools don’t have the same kind of intense social orientation for transfers that they have for freshmen. If she’s happy in her classes, and if she is now safe in that single, she should not transfer. It won’t be any better for her anywhere else. It sounds as if she’s doing all the right things. If it’s not working, she just has to make more of an effort to find people through classes and interests, probably beginning next semester, since finals are approaching, and people tend to focus more on academics from now until the end of the semester. The upperclassmen don’t “lead” in the clubs? Then SHE steps up and volunteers to lead! My kid led the club for their special interest major beginning with the second semester of freshman year, if I recall. She could also try reaching out to your religious group, if she’s not totally averse to it. She should volunteer in areas that she’s interested in. She’s just got to try harder. It will come. After that first month when everyone is desperate to make new friends, one finds the next friends through common interests - and usually those friendships last, because they have something in common, more than just having met by chance.
My D’s mid-Atlantic LAC is fairly open for social gatherings, similar to what @Mjkacmom describes at Clemson. They have a loosely enforced indoor mask mandate, but otherwise social gatherings seem to be going on in a fairly “normal” fashion. Covid protocols were increased in September after a spike in positive cases, but they reverted back to a lower level in October as campus and community cases decreased.
As of today (per the covid dashboard that is updated daily), there are no active cases in the student body and 6 active cases in employees. No isolation and quarantine beds are in use. Vaccinations are mandated and over 95% of students/employees are vaccinated.
I can absolutely see my D struggling if social interaction was limited. Add to that the roommate issues described by the OP, I would be concerned as well. OP - Hugs to you and your D.
Right now there are 31 in quarantine, last week 10 tested positive, a month ago 299, the numbers have been consistently going down every week. At another daughter’s university, similar size, vaccine mandate, there were 12 positives last week. I used to check often but I was driving myself nuts.
I was driving myself crazy too! When the campus was at a higher alert level because 75% of the isolation/quarantine beds were in use, I checked the dashboard daily and asked questions on the parent FB page. I was so afraid they may go back to online classes and lockdown. I’m so happy that did not happen.
The impact of covid is still presenting itself in so many different ways.
It sounds like she is doing all the right things.
Encourage her to put in a door stopper a few times a week and maybe some others will start to do the same on her floor.
With clubs, high schools and colleges are struggling to get most groups reengaged at anywhere near the same levels. The Juniors and Seniors who were in leadership roles in March 2020 have graduated. Those sophomores from March 2020 are now seniors and were never fully mentored into potential roles and are trying to fit internships and required classes into their senior year. Faculty advisors or other staff who may have helped have moved on to other jobs. This student leadership vacuum does create some opportunities to positively impact campus culture for anyone who shows initiative.
On the mental health front, even those who look like they have made friends may be struggling to get through the day.
My kid isn’t starting until next year, but of the freshmen we know who are having a good social experience, all decided to join a fraternity/sorority or a sports team (school or club). In both cases, I think those kids got a bit of a head start because in many cases their activities began before the official move-in day. I also think sororities and sports force participants to “get out there” despite their discomfort; the pandemic no doubt stunted the natural social development of a lot of kids and increased social anxiety — being thrown in the sorority/sports deep end may counteract that. I think your daughter has a good plan in place.
That said, my older son had a similar experience years ago, but had friends at a nearby school and was able to determine right away the other school would be a better social fit, based on visits He transferred before spring term of freshman year and never looked back. Best decision for him.
Was talking to our high school psychologist about this the other day. He said that they are finding kids on average are about a year and a half behind socially from where they should be. So all those 18-19 year old freshmen are really at a social age of 16.5-17. He said they really notice it in the elementary school age kids because it’s so obvious, but it definitely holds true for teens just as much if not more. He has heard from a lot of recent graduates and their parents that the kids are really struggling with mental health at college. They have been come so attached to their phones during the pandemic that they have no idea how to socialize in person.
Covid has definitely been a huge factor in what is normally the early first semester freshman “socialization period”. It was a crapshoot for every class of 2025 student, as on how things would materialize at the college they deposited. Some colleges were transparent from the onset, and some took it day by day.
That said, it does seem a bit like the LAC your daughter chose may not be the best fit for her, socially. I wonder what it was like there, pre-Covid? No dis on LAC’s at all but neither of my kids would have been good fits for a smaller (sometimes rural) environment. Both chose large public U’s, where they are almost literally swept up in the number of activities. That’s not to say that there aren’t students there who struggle too, because there certainly are.
D13’s alma mater has taken a lot criticism this year on the perceived lack of attention to the mental health needs of students, and it’s lack of student bonding activities. There are plenty of threads on the parent pages complaining about unhappy students and a fair number of students who intend to transfer out (which is surprising, given how selective admission to this university is). Even pre-Covid, my super-social D13 had a rough time early freshman year (bad roommate, stalker boyfriend, illnesses)- until about the beginning of November, when she found her core group of friends via a sorority.
I have to say that I have been very impressed with D21’s university. They continue to go above and beyond to make sure various student needs are met, and offer many opportunities for student involvement. They are even re-branding the traditional RA role to be a more hands-on, involved, student ambassador role. D21 can be on the quieter side until she gets comfortable. I had many conversations with her during the college selection process about hitting the ground running and getting involved (kind of re-branding her social side). She has done a great job putting herself out there, joining clubs, playing intramural sports, etc. and has a good group of friends. She plans to branch further out and join a sorority 2nd semester.
Every kid is different and only you know yours. Feeling lonely or isolated can happen to even the most extroverted person, and being in an uncomfortable environment doesn’t help. if she were my daughter, I would try to get her to finish the year there and reassess (but maybe get started on the transfer process just in case.)
OP here. Thank you SO MUCH for all the thoughtful comments, suggestions, and affirmations. We really are in this new territory with the usual college problems intermixed with a variety of Covid impacts. You all made me feel much better-thanks again. So glad my DD is open to trying sorority life. I wish the best for all your college kids. And you!
As for my daughter’s original roommate we aren’t sure what has happened. My daughter just made sure the Res life staff knew she felt unsafe and that someone needed to reach out to her old roommate. She stayed so long because she felt bad for her roommate who had reasons for acting the way she did. In the best of situations she maybe could have helped her roommate but my daughter wasn’t in the right state of mind for that, then waking up at 2:30 am to strangers in the room she had to get out.
