So homesick and hate my school - please help

Student Lounge College Life
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Hi, this may be long but please bear with me.

I am a freshman in college. I am struggling so hard right now and want to go home so badly but I’m stopping myself. I go to school 4 hours from home and I had a horrible first semester - very strict COVID school and no in person classes or clubs so it was hard for anyone to meet people outside their roommates. My roommate hated it here and was homesick so she left me for home after the first week. I spent pretty much the entire semester alone, trying to make friends but they didn’t really fit my personality - they stay in their room all day except to go out and drink until 5am on weekends. I’ve found this to be the case with a lot of people I meet, since we are VERY much a party school. I used to be a little like this but I don’t love to drink a lot now, at least not crazy partying. I tried to stick with it, make new friends, be involved - but many clubs aren’t meeting at all or are temporarily not running much due to COVID, and I tried to rush a sorority but got dropped from almost all. I couldn’t see myself in the remaining 2 so I decided to opt out and not waste my parents’ money since it is tight and I didn’t connect with any girls I met with in them. We are a big Greek school so now everyone is out making friends from Greek life and I feel so left out. I know older people from my hometown who came here and their only friends now are in their sorority - it’s one of the biggest bonding things and most weekend activities seem to be with others in their pledge class. All my friends from first semester are joining these and I probably won’t be seeing as much of them as before by next month - we weren’t super close anyways.

I feel so lost and don’t know how I am going to make it here for three more months even. I am so incredibly homesick and I miss my mom so much. She is my favorite person in the world and we are so close. I enjoyed being at home so much. When I was there for our “extended break” because of COVID (Thanksgiving-mid January) I felt like I was being saved from all my depression and sadness and I realized how incredibly depressed I was at school. I cried every day after Christmas that I didn’t want to go back. At home I could be with my parents, my younger brother, be close to my grandparents, drive my car to go on coffee runs and the library and everything, be healthy, have space for myself, and I had my dogs whenever I was having a bad anxiety attack. I haven’t been able to find anything close to that kind of support at school. I feel like everyone else was excited for the freedom of college which is why they like being there, not home, but my parents are like my friends and nobody compares - they aren’t strict either whatsoever.

Here, everything is back to awful. Every moment of every day I have had a huge lump in my throat, am struggling not to cry from the time I wake up until I go to sleep so nobody sees, my anxiety is at an all time high, and I can’t even talk to my mom without breaking down sobbing. I got a new roommate and I’m trying to be friends with her but we have nothing in common and she is already really into sorority life. I hate my school and I never wanted to come here but I had a rough time with mental health in high school so I didn’t get into any of my dream schools. The school is definitely not right for me but I came here just so I could go to college.

I am going to try to work out, get counseling, join more clubs, and make more friends who aren’t in Greek life, but I am so so unhappy here and all I want to do is go home. I know I need to grow up and cut the cord but all I can think about is that I will never live at home again full time. My family is my lifeline and I wish I could just be around them forever. I think I would be happier if I had friends or if I had gone to a school I like more, but I can’t change that second part unless I transfer and I keep trying to make friends but it doesn’t work for me.

I want to transfer to a school closer to home or to one of my dream schools (I have a 4.0 now in college so I think it would be attainable) but I think I will miss my family and have mental health problems because of it either way. Can anyone give me any advice? I’m so struggling and hurting, I feel like things will never get any better.

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I think you should explore the colleges closer to home. It sounds like you are miserable, and you should prioritize your mental health…if that means moving back home or closer to home to attend a different school, then I think you’d be a lot happier in the long run. Don’t look at it as giving up…things are really hard with COVID restrictions right now. I can’t imagine very many students are having fun this year. Best of luck with your decision, but I think you should see what options are available for you, and hopefully you can find a place closer to your family and support system.

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It sounds like you have been struggling for awhile and have come to the realization that you don’t want to be at this school. It may be time to chalk this up to a bad fit at a very bad time. Are your parents supportive of you living at home and completing your classes remotely? Your family does sound wonderful. I’m sure if they knew how very unhappy you are they would want you to go home and take care of your mental health. I’d suggest just that. You’ve done very well academically so far. Finish up strong from home and transfer to another school. Hopefully, you will find a school that is a better fit for you and you will be able to enjoy the full college experience during better times. Take good care of yourself and good luck.

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This post touched my heart. You sound like a wonderful person struggling with the Covid crisis. Many kids are experiencing these same feelings of isolation and frustration due to the extreme lockdown measures so you are not alone! You should ask your school, given the unusual circumstances, if they would allow you to do remote college and then you could be with your family while studying and still at the same college. The best colleges are pivoting nicely to the online learning format and offer on-demand and live lecture classes. Your priority should be to your mental health and happiness. If you are home surrounded by safety and love, then you can take the time to explore other college options. But this seems to be the new normal for now. Either isolated in your room or on-line learning. It’s just not safe yet to be in crowded classrooms. Also you should talk to your parents and ask their advice. It seems sitting trapped in your dorm room is detrimental to your health and so many thousands of other kids suffering along side you are feeling the pain of this year long crisis.

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My son attends a large state flagship university that is 10 miles from home. In the Fall and so far this Spring semester, he has averaged maybe 3 nights each week in the dorms. This approach seems to have become very common for kids living within an hour or two of campus. For many students the dorms are not much more than prisons this year. If you have no in person classes, there is not much reason to be there 7 days a week this year. Taking care of yourself is never a failure.

You mention having a car at home. Parking is another thing that has changed this year at many colleges. “No car” rules for freshmen are common because there is not enough parking and they want you to stay on campus to enjoy the fabulous social life. This year, parking is not as tight because faculty, staff and students are all working from home. Knowing when to break rules is part of what you learn in College.

College life should be better everywhere next Fall, including your current school. Transfer if it is a bad fit, but not because you think next year will be as bad as this one.

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Please read this: To those who feel lonely/homesick/friendless/think they chose the wrong school, etc...

And this: Having Trouble Adjusting to College/Making friends? Top 10 things to do (Covid Update, Fall '20)

Make an appointment with the campus counseling center first thing in the morning. You are going to be okay. This time is hard for a lot of people, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I urge you to stop focusing on “I have to be here for three more months.” Instead just focus on getting through this day.

The TLDR of the above posts are: this is a time of life you have to get through, regardless of COVID or not, and that there are ways to make positive changes that will help you cope.

Hugs and hang in there.

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I am so sorry you feel this way. I am sure a lot of people are in a similar situation. You are not alone in how you feel. Please know that- although I know it won’t make you feel any better. I think the idea of remote learning sounds like a good option and at the same time you can investigate looking into transferring to a school that might be a better fit. Continue to take care of your mental health. I recently heard of an app that an Elon student created-Alonesy that puts teens with free mental health mentors. I hope you feel like things start to improved for you.

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Being a freshman during COVID (me too) is extremely hard. Especially with everything virtual. It’s hard to make human connections. Add to your feeling of homesickness and closeness with family (I’m super close with mine too) it makes it harder.

You have a great GPA, great family, great home life and sound smart and caring. Those are all positives. So take your positives and run with it. Finish virtual at home! Be good to yourself. Then take that perfect GPA and go to a school closer to home and also a better fit. Start fresh in the fall. There will be so many transfer and gap students …it will be more normal than ever. Stay true to what makes you happy. Don’t force yourself into an anxious situation …especially for a non dream school!

I’m not a partier either and I chose a school I loved, and that wasn’t big Greek or Party. i’m into performing music, fitness and work in my free time. That helps keep busy and balanced during the virtual world of COVID.

Good luck…many people are not as fortunate to have a close loving family…don’t ever feel guilty for that…nothing wrong with being close to home or living home if that keeps you happy!!

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My heart goes out to you! Good for you for being brave to write this post and share what you’re going through. I agree with the recommendation above to contact the school to see if you can finish the year remotely given the current circumstances. Do you ever have the chance to talk with a therapist? If not, I recommend considering it, and a therapist could offer backup on making the request to the school. I’m so very sorry you’re having such a bad time right now. In my opinion it might be good to consider looking into schools closer to home–or even consider a nearby community college for a year, or a gap year. Agree, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be closer to home, or living at home for a bit! Your mental health is more important than forcing yourself to “get through it” for three more months in a miserable situation. The degree of ongoing sadness and anxiety you are describing is a very difficult burden to expect anyone to simply try to “tough it out” with. You sound like you have a great mom, and hopefully she can work with you and help you move forward in a much happier way. Sending good thoughts. Hang in there. Things will get better! Please do let us know how things go. Lots of us moms out here sympathize and wish you well.

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OP wrote: “…I had a tough time with mental health in high school…”

Isolation due to Covid-19 and due to lack of Greek membership at a party school dominated by Greek societies is likely to exacerbate mental health issues.

In my opinion, you need to return home & to continue, or start, mental health counseling & therapy.

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I am sending you a virtual hug. This post could have been written by my daughter who is feeling the same way you are. The advice I have for you is the same advice I would want someone to give her. This is not a normal college experience. Most colleges have extra resources available for mental health this year because they know the transition is so much harder but there are additional resources, too, like your academic advisor or someone from the Chaplain’s office. We were reminded during a virtual parent town hall that the folks who work on college campuses do it because they want to be there. They have seen and heard of the struggles of other students so while you feel like you are the only one, they know others. Reach out and ask for ideas about how to connect with them. You are not the only one who isn’t into partying or Greek life but the other students who feel like you are in their rooms, too.

If the school isn’t a good fit, maybe look for other options but the reason shouldn’t be because you want to be at home. I love my D and miss her terribly but she needs to learn how to be her own person away from home, and you do to. Your mom will be encouraging and supportive no matter what you end up doing.

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gracies, how’s it going? I hope things are OK. <3

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Also read: Should I transfer? or Do I hate my college or am I just depressed?

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There’s nothing wrong with going to college closer to home. Many people thrive when they’re closer to their families. And I’ll admit, you’re not alone in this COVID thing. Many, if not most students are re-thinking whether it’s worth paying $$ for an expensive university to take online classes stuck in their dorm. You could do that at a community college or local university living at home.

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