Someone read my essay please. Deadline is Dec. 1!

College Essays
1

<p>PROMPT: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.</p>

<p>If you ever see me at a party or large social gathering, you will probably have gone to the restroom a couple times and seen the same shoes in the same stall in the same corner. You will not see me outside mingling with the horde of unknowns. You see, I’m an introvert. Introverts are people who gain energy in solitude and expend energy while socializing. Contrary to popular belief, introversion is not a term that can be used interchangeably with shyness. I don’t mind talking to people once in a while. I just need some alone time after social interaction.</p>

<p>Being an introvert in has its drawbacks. Firstly, we live in an extroverted society. As children, we are told that group work is the best kind of work. We are forced to present our projects to the class, instead of the teacher, where it actually matters. Personal characteristics such as being outgoing and sociable are held up with great reverence. One of the first words I learned in my Spanish class was ”sociable” which funnily enough, is spelled the same way in both English and Spanish. I was encouraged by both my extroverted parents and my extroverted teachers to go sell candy to random people to raise money for our school. I was bullied constantly in school because I was seen as weak and sickly. Introverts are the minority in American society.</p>

<p>Introversion does have some advantages. Although I can count the number of friends I have with one hand, my friendships are more meaningful than just about anyone’s. Many extroverts have dozens of acquaintances, but when the going gets tough, they are alone. Introverts tend to have high emotional intelligence. We know what to say and when to say it. We think before we speak. Beginning as children, we observe the world. We begin to understand through our observation and experience, the subtleties of society, people, relationships, and natural law. We use our understanding of the world to better it. Martin Luther King, Ghandi, and Che Guevara were all introverts.</p>

<p>I live in an extroverted society. Life is difficult. But I do not confine myself to the label of introversion. I cashiered at a waterpark in the summer of 2012. I spent my whole summer interacting with people 12 hours a day. I came out of my shell gradually over the summer. I became more comfortable socializing, although I still need to recharge after a few conversations. My point is, sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone to achieve personal growth. If you stay in your comfort zone your whole life, it will be as if you had never lived at all. You will embody the negative stereotypes that are associated with introverts.</p>

<p>This is a very rough draft, so don't expect any Pulitzer prize-winning literature here.</p>

2

<p>I think you have a good starting point for your essay, but it doesn’t really give a great idea of who you are. A lot of your sentences talk about “we” and “you”, which tells the reader about introverts in general, but not about you specifically (and you should try to avoid the second person point of view as much as possible. Use the active voice and speak in the first person). This happens especially in the paragraph where you write about the advantages of being an introvert. If you can, try to tell more about the ways being an introvert has specifically benefited you. In my opinion you should try to make the last sentence of your essay a little more positive, but that’s up to you.</p>

<p>I enjoyed the essay as a whole, and I think you portrayed the life of an introvert well.</p>

<p>As far as grammar mistakes:
“Being an introvert in has it’s drawbacks” -just take out the “in”.
“Life is difficult. But I do not…” -should be one sentence</p>

<p>I hope this was helpful, and good luck with the rest of your applications!</p>

3

<p>Horrible. Your essay is supposed to show your best qualities. Is talking about drawbacks something that will make you a more competitive applicant?</p>

4

<p>The essay is supposed to show who you are as a person. That means both the positive and negative qualities that you possess. The writer discusses both sides of being an introvert, and talks about how they have overcome the negative parts. I don’t think this is a bad essay at all.</p>

5

<p>So would putting Ds and Fs on your transcript be good because “it shows who you are as a person?” This is an application. At the end of the day you are fighting for a spot in university. It’s sabotage, plain and simple, when you put forth your absolute worst qualities.</p>

6

<p>There are lots of essays about overcoming adversity, why is this one not okay? You are supposed to write about something personal to you, and the writer thinks that being an introvert is integral to who they are. And with two days before the deadline, I doubt the writer is going to write a completely new essay, so why not help this one be the best it can be instead of just trashing it?</p>

7

<p>He didn’t write about overcoming adversity. And even when he mentions something positive “Introversion does have some advantages.” He immediately says something that negates the previous statement, “Although I can count the number of friends I have with one hand,”</p>

8

<p>Bump bump bump</p>

9

<p>This is completely my own personal opinion, so obviously take this with a grain of salt, but if at all possible I would try writing about something else. To me, and I feel like to a lot of other people as well, saying that you’re introverted really just seems like an excuse for being overly shy. It seems like one of those really annoying self-diagnoses that have become so common, almost as bad as people who claim to have OCD because they are organized or insomnia because they didn’t fall asleep until midnight the other day. Also, I think the part about your friendships being more meaningful than those of people with more friends really just sounds snobby. I did, however, really like the last paragraph where you talk about overcoming your fears, and the essay as a whole is pretty well written, aside from using the words “we” and “you” too much, as others have mentioned. If I were you, I would either try a new essay altogether or change this one by replacing the introversion aspect with just saying you are very shy. I know you talk about how those things are different, but to me, constantly calling yourself an introvert starts you sound like you are almost trying to make a martyr of yourself. There are people out there with real psychological issues that make them unable to interact socially pretty much at all. There are people who actually need to take prescription medication to even have a conversation. It doesn’t sound like you are one of these people, so when you talk about introversion like it is some serious disease and call yourself a minority it sounds almost offensive, at least to me.</p>

<p>These are just my thoughts though, and I am by no means an essay reader so I could be completely wrong. Good luck with whatever you decide. I have a few essays to finish today too so I understand how much of a pain it is to try to write one that captures who you are, is interesting, is impressive, and doesn’t make you sound crazy.</p>

10

<p>I see what you’re trying to do, but I think you take a couple of cheap shots at being extroverted that aren’t really justified. You also come off as a bit insecure and sound like you’re trying to convince yourself that being an introvert is okay. For example:</p>

<p>“We are forced to present our projects to the class, instead of the teacher, where it actually matters.” In the business world, people give presentations to their colleagues all the time. Seriously, it can be a weekly or daily thing. They aren’t just going to be presenting to their boss. It’s not an injustice to have to do this in school, it’s not like you’re being “forced” to do anything horrible or irrational. I’m not particularly outgoing either, but I recognize, and I think you should too, that public speaking skills are really important pretty much whatever profession you end up in.</p>

<p>“I was bullied constantly in school because I was seen as weak and sickly.” How is this relevant to being introverted? You need to link it properly, and even if you do it sounds like a bit of a pity plea.</p>

<p>“I have with one hand, my friendships are more meaningful than just about anyone’s. Many extroverts have dozens of acquaintances, but when the going gets tough, they are alone.” I don’t know any extroverts who don’t at least have a couple of very close friends. You sound like you’re trying to justify your own behavior by putting others down, which isn’t a very admirable quality. </p>

<p>“Martin Luther King, Ghandi, and Che Guevara were all introverts.” So what? Once again, you just sound like you’re trying to make yourself look better and justify your own actions, rather than displaying any sort of true growth or development. Just because these people were introverts (and by the way, they had fantastic public speaking skills), it doesn’t mean anything about you. There’s a wide spectrum of introversion and it manifests itself in different ways.</p>

<p>“But I do not confine myself to the label of introversion.” Really? Because you just wrote an entire essay about how you were an introvert. The experience you describe about working at the water park should form the bulk of your essay. That’s the important part that shows your growth and self-development that colleges want to see.</p>

<p>“If you stay in your comfort zone your whole life, it will be as if you had never lived at all. You will embody the negative stereotypes that are associated with introverts.” So is being an introvert a good thing or bad? You haven’t really said, and if you think it’s a mixed blessing, then you should say so clearly.</p>

<p>I think this essay is a good idea but you need to make it less about others and more about yourself. Focus more on your own development, on your own growth in the face of adversity. You don’t need to spend the majority of the essay talking about the adversity itself, because then it seems like you’re asking for pity rather than really doing anything about it.</p>