<p>Missypie and rumandting, hugs to both of you. Years ago, my brilliant older brother came home … gave up his full ride at MSU’s honors college. He just could not handle life on his own. This was in the 70’s, so my dad was able to get him a job on the assembly line at the automaker where he worked. My brother did eventually finish college at the local U, but he never left the assembly line. He unfortunately has depression issues that he has never been able to resolve, and my parents have always struggled with how to answer questions about him. In the days before she died, my mom talked to me about her heartaches related to my brother … but she also told me that while he had not turned out as she had hoped or expected, he had turned out just the way he was supposed to be. This was following an experience she had in which she had a conversation with her mother in heaven, so if you don’t believe there might be more to our existence than life on earth, it might not mean much. But if you think there might be something more in some other realm, that can be quite a powerful conclusion. The bottom line is, though, that our kids will be whomever or whatever they will be. We can help them and support them … and push them along a bit faster than they would prefer if necessary … but in the end we can only do so much. On a brighter note, though, my good friend has a son VERY much like my brother. She is better equipped to handle him than my parents were (bless them, they did the best they could, but there was so much they didn’t know). Friend’s son is 23 and finally beginning to build a life for himself. He will most likely never return to college, but he does have a steady job where he is becoming recognized for his work ethic. This is a big step, because it took a very long time for my friend to get him to get a job in the first place. It’s a local lumberyard/hardware store, and he does stock type work. The thing is, he appears to be content … this is a very big deal for him. If he can be somewhat happy with himself, that is a jump forward. My friend has had to adjust her parental idea of what her son’s life will be like, and that has been difficult. </p>
<p>Rumandting, UM is a very big place that can be extremely difficult to navigate. My pastor’s D transferred there junior year from a smaller school and went into a depression. They were so worried about her. She transferred back to the first school and was much happier. Part of me knows that my S is probably not quite ready for that, in all honesty … and I do think that it is a blessing in disguise that he hasn’t been accepted. There is no doubt in my mind that he <em>can</em> handle the academics. The question is whether or not he is ready. I agree with the comment that not all 18 year olds are the same.</p>
<p>Handling the questions about why the child returned home can be tough. However, because I work at a state school with a large commuter population, I can assure you that it is very common! I deal with many students who were “away” and have returned. While I know that finances are the issue for some, others have told me that it was just not what they expected. My son is embarrassed that he did not get accepted last year or this year, especially since many in his class less academically able were. I have told him that the adcoms only have his application, and they are comparing it with thousands of others. It may feel personal, but it’s really not.</p>
<p>Try to remember that plenty of, if not most people get their degrees from Anytown State U, and they do just fine. Many of these graduates do much better than some other folks from Prestige U. Try to relax and accept the situation, and be clear on your expectations of work and whatever else you require in your home.</p>
<p>Also count your blessings. You are not bringing him home because he tried suicide, or went manic, became addicted, or had some major physical health issue. He didn’t die on his way home on break, his girlfriend isn’t pregnant, he didn’t join a cult, etc, etc. Your disappointment is understandable, but he will find his way. And the posters who are pointing out that other families are going through similar situations are spot on. You don’t hear about these troubles from them, but as soon as you mention what’s going on in your family, you may be stunned at how each family seems to have a similar story!</p>
<p>Thank you all. We have reassured him that 99.9% of contented people in the country did not get their degree from Prestige U, or even in engineering. The most important thing now is just to get the depression treated and go from there. Since he won’t want “depression” broadcasted about him, the reason we will give to casual aquaintances is “it just wasn’t a good fit for him”.</p>
<p>By the way, engineering is tough, tough, tough. If he plans to stick with engineering, hopefully OU is an option. I have known people who have been very happy with their program.</p>
<p>That’s not a fun conversation to have. Make yourself feel better by having it cheerfully: “It didn’t work out for Fang Jr at Faraway College. He’ll be home for a while. We think this is a great choice for him.” Act as if you’re thrilled about it.</p>
<p>And, as Missypie says, more often than you think, your story will be greeted by the other parent explaining how their child will not be returning to OutOfState U.</p>
<p>We live in one of those 98% of kids go to a four year college areas. And, you know, by mid-sophomore year, something like 36% are back and going to one of the local 4 year colleges or even working. I have never once assumed it had anything to do with anything other than the kid just not liking being so far from home, frankly.</p>
<p>The kids go off and find out they really like where they are “from” and they come home and finish up school or start to work and move on with their lives. Heck, I wish MY daughter was that way, frankly. The ones who come home to finish up school for whetever-not-my-business reason also tend to live here when they are done. Huge bonus.</p>
<p>Good luck to you and your son. He sounds like a really great kid, imho.</p>
<p>If you were to look about, you may be surprised to find out how many kids DO come home for at least some time after going away so triumphantly. It’s actually a sensible & considerate way to transition rather than moping at their chosen U while parents struggle to pay huge bills while they’re silently miserable.</p>
<p>Our D did it the other way, by attending local commuter CC and then transferring to private U, but it was quite awkward for her & us when she was forced to leave HS after only her junior year. We put a bright face on it that she was ready to leave her pricey elite private prep HS (where she had been mostly quite happy) and that she was really enjoying getting a headstart in college credits at CC and saving us oh-so-much-money, the clever dear child. Meanwhile, she and we ached as she missed her HS friends terribly but had to pretend all was well while she assessed her options. She almost didn’t get in as a transfer because she despaired and let her grades dive after her 1st semester of CC, but decided to apply herself and was able to salvage the term but getting her instructors to allow her an incomplete of two.</p>
<p>Things never quite work out as WE plan, but all we can do is our best, being the guide (and cheerleader) on the side while our loved ones work things out as THEY deem best for THEM. How can we do less or more for them?</p>