<p>Maybe you need to take some time to read up on successful people who started at a crappy regional state university, or even worse a (gasp) community college. And then take some time to research smart college aged kids who also happen to be depressed/anxious/ faced with newly developing mental health issues, and find out how their parents might suggest you handle those issues along with college. I know there are a number of those familues here on CC.</p>
<p>“Maybe you need to take some time to read up on successful people who started at a crappy regional state university, or even worse a (gasp) community college.” With all due respect, should we start showing struggling college freshman videos of Michael Dell and Zuckerberg? Exceptions to the norm should not be promoted.</p>
<p>" Depressive and anxiety disorders feel terrible for the person who has them. You wouldn’t let him walk around feeling fairly certain he had diabetes, why wouldn’t you seek treatment for these diseases?" Very well put. I’ve put it off for a while because he claims everything is fine, then he’ll have short mood swings, then teachers make me feel like the excuse-making mom who has a lazy kid.</p>
<p>“exceptions to the norm should not be promoted.”. - Linden 14</p>
<p>Linden14 just opened up a Costco sized jar of ■■■■■ Juice.</p>
<p>All I have to say is, oh my, if this person is real.</p>
<p>If you think he is lazy and unmotivated, try throwing out his video game system …</p>
<p>“Maybe he just doesn’t want to work as hard as you want him to, or is tired of being told what to do and how to be? Sounds like a kid desperately trying to express himself (perhaps not in the best way) and no one is listening.”</p>
<p>What do you mean by that? “Told how to be” as in a good student? The alternative being, be a lazy slacker headed to a state school? Or how is bombing exams an “expression of himself”? It’s a road to rescinded offers is what it is. He ABSOLUTELY wants out of the house, so I’m not sure how getting rescinded offers helps him any.</p>
<p>"Do you let him fail? Do I got up to the school? "</p>
<p>" teachers make me feel like the excuse-making mom who has a lazy kid"</p>
<p>Getting him to a specialist is a good step. However unless the specialist says he has a depressive or anxiety disorder the time for you to be making excuses to the teacher is over. You can ask him if he needs help studying but you can’t will him to get the good grades. He has to want to do that himself. </p>
<p>Linden is right in that, for kids from difficult circumstances (as this seems to be the case), the university with a LOT of power for networking and a lot of resources in support are the way to go. You know that study that states that it doesn’t really matter where you go to college? There was a big EXCEPT and lower income/first gen/immigrant/URM kids are all in the “Except for this category”, and it sounds like Linden’s son may be in one of these categories. Maybe not and linden makes 185k as a high powered lawyer, I don’t know, but it seems parts of the kid’s life have been difficult.</p>
<p>@Linden: Ask him, among all his acceptances, which one is his favorite. Or bring up financial aid packages and ask him what he would think about attending school W, that costs less than Dream School. Just observe his reaction. Is he outraged at the thought you were suggesting he might not go to his dream school? Is he briefly relieved? Did the backtalk start when he got his acceptance letters? </p>
<p>Don’t worry about how well he’ll do at “Dream School”. These schools don’t admit anyone whom they don’t think has a chance of success and they have lots of resources to help students. He’ll be okay if the school truly is his favorite.</p>
<p>Have you been able to visit? Will he be able to go ao some “admitted student days”?</p>
<p>Bragging rights over admissions is different from “fit”. He may be astounded he got into Duke or Pomona or RISD and the more he brags about it, the more he’s congratulated, and thus the less shaky he feels about it.
But it doesn’t mean he actually sees himself there and wants to go.
(BTW, you can let him know that necessarily, all the bragging-about-colleges among seniors is just showing off and talking. In the end, most students will attend the cheapest university for them.)</p>
<p>Some things can be easy: no phone until all his grades are made up to a C in every subject and there can’t be any backtalking. If backtalking resumes, no computer. (If he needs to computer, tough luck, he needs to do the work in school or at the public library.)
(Yes LOTS of seniors slack off, they just need to be at C to B in every subject so you can let it go a little and let him rest as long as his F’s/D’s become C’s and his other grades remain at B level.)</p>
<p>Now you are being ridiculous. “A lazy slacker heading to a state school.” GASP! A fate worse than death. Yes, you have two of those regular old kids, unmotivated to be at the top of the heap. They don’t want to put in the effort. You can make them, you can hover over them while they are in high school, you can fill out the applications and get them into good (private) colleges, but unless you plan to go to college with them, send in their job applications, get them to work everyday for the rest of their lives, at some point they are either going to find motivation or fall short of what you expect (I won’t say fail because I don’t think anyone at a regular old college with a regular old job has failed).</p>
<p>You asked what you can do. You can do it all for your sons or you can let them get the grades, awards, into colleges that their efforts earn. There is no magic bullet.</p>
<p>God I wish there were post numbers! </p>
<p>“moping around with a GPA of 3.5”. Excuse me…but what is wrong with a GPA of 3.5? </p>
<p>And what is wrong with a regional public university? Lots of successful folks graduate from these schools.</p>
<p>Sorry…but the dream sounds like the PARENT’S dream. The parent is pushing. The parent drove college applications. Blah blah blah.</p>
<p>This has to be a ■■■■■. Moving on.</p>
<p>Op,
Which AP class has your son gotten the very low grades lately? Is it AP physics C?</p>
<p>No, it’s not physics. (I’m not a dragon lady!) It is one of the “easy” AP’s. And he has experience with the material from a previous semester.</p>
<p>“What do you mean by that? “Told how to be” as in a good student? The alternative being, be a lazy slacker headed to a state school? Or how is bombing exams an “expression of himself”? It’s a road to rescinded offers is what it is. He ABSOLUTELY wants out of the house, so I’m not sure how getting rescinded offers helps him any.”</p>
<p>Doing poorly on exams may just be a reflection of his ability without your intervention. and your definition of poorly seems to be a little…broad. But for argument’s sake, let"s agree he is doing it deliberately. malice aforethought. What young men want, more than anything, is autonomy. He appears to have very little… Doing poorly proves that you cannot control or influence him. Ask yourself why an otherwise sensible guy would throw things away just to put his foot down. Because, perhaps, he sees it as his best chance to do so? Or maybe he doesn’t want to, or is scared to go to college. I caution you that panicking, threatening, and nagging never motivate anyone, and it won’t motivate him. (been here, done this)</p>
<p>In the unlikely case his offers are all rescinded, well, he’ll go somewhere else or do something else. Life will go on, yours and his, unless of course you are so completely estranged that you won’t know what he’s doing and if he realizes he has regrets he will never ask for your help. I don’t think that’s what you want.</p>
<p>original question? You can be quiet, you can express that you have worries of your own, you can dial it back, you can listen more and talk less. But goodness knows, if there was a motivation solution, CC would have found it years ago. </p>
<p>Great advice Greenbutton. As a mother of three boys I will say unequivocally that you are spot on about how boys reach independence. If he has a safety college he KNOWS he is out of the house unless the OP pulls the financial plug which would be the worse thing the OP could do and guarantees just more extended years of passive aggressive behavior which is what is driving the mom’s frustration. </p>
<p>With such a wonderful mom hard to see how he has issues…</p>
<p>I think people are being unnecessarily hard on this mom. it doesn’t sound like she picked his school list (or I missed that).</p>
<p>It does sound like the son has SEVERE senioritis, isn’t popular at his high school, and has “mentally moved on” to college - so he’s not putting any effort into senior year.</p>
<p>If after getting into top schools (which sound like they’re affordable), then having to go to a local school because his top schools rescind would be a “step down” even though the state school education will be more than fine for nearly all career goals. </p>
<p>And, let’s face it…after parents and child have told everyone that he’s gotten into (name of awesome schools), it would be a bit embarrassing to say, “oh now he’s going to local directional”.</p>
<p>“If he has a safety college he KNOWS he is out of the house unless the OP pulls the financial plug which would be the worse thing the OP could do and guarantees just more extended years of passive aggressive behavior which is what is driving the mom’s frustration.”</p>
<p>Sorry, but there isn’t a chance I’m letting him attend a regional college. I will not let my son ruin the opportunity to attend great colleges and work his way into a higher class because at 17 yo he’s terrified to make new friends. Only reason he applied to the super safeties was to boost his confidence. And to be clear, he maintains that he still wants to attend the “dream” school.</p>
<p>“With such a wonderful mom hard to see how he has issues…” I ask that you hold off of the characterizations as I’m just trying to capture the context on a message board (and really don’t want to sound like the mom who perpetually makes excuses for her lazy kids, like his teachers have clearly cast me as). I do not talk, act or sound like this when communicating with my children.</p>