<p>At this point I don’t think it matters what your son’s motivation is concerning SADD – the proof is in the pudding. It sounds like he is putting effort into it. It could stem from an internal psychological need to get right with himself – that is, he might be his own worst critic right now, he wants to see himself as an honorable and intelligent person, and he must be feeling terribly ashamed and disappointed in himself. It’s a process – maybe right now its part of his own internal coping process, but if he keeps on with it, then his own feelings will evolve over time. And the fact that he is exploring online means he is also exposing himself to literature and information that will probably help reinforce the type of messages you want him to have.</p>
<p>I do feel from what you report that your son is demonstrating a good deal of grace and maturity under these circumstances. He made a serious mistake that has a heavy cost, but overall I think you have some reason to feel proud. Life throws wrenches at us all, some worse than others.</p>
<p>NCDad, this is a bit off topic, but is definitely related. I’m curious if you’ve talked to your S about having his first (?) sexual encounter while drunk. I honestly don’t think that is the way he or his GF would really want it to be. </p>
<p>I know he’s a teenaged boy, but I hope he has thought a bit on this subject as well.</p>
<p>This has been a very interesting thread and I appreciate how open and honest you’ve been. It’s an extremely difficult situation for your family to be in and I do hope it works out as well as it possibly can and that this encounter is one you never have to face again.</p>
<p>I was told MIP. I’m not a lawyer so I have no idea what the case against them is. I think that the school is just really embarrassed that this happened on their watch and they’re looking to send a message to the rest of the students.</p>
<p>crazymonster: I haven’t but I will. I’m honestly not sure how I’m going to approach that conversation. He’s our oldest and although I’ve had a few conversations with him about puberty and sex I haven’t done the traditional “Big Talk”–because I was glad my own father spared me that experience. </p>
<p>It will come up at some point. I didn’t want to do it right away because I didn’t want him to regret being so open with us about the sex aspect of the night.</p>
<p>i had the dreaded after prom party at my house, 4 years later I still remember cleaning up and finding an eyeglass case with 8 condoms. Some one was very optimistic!!</p>
<p>But this conversation needs to happen way before junion prom. My mantra was the classic line from Sex and the City “use a condom”!!! </p>
<p>the embarrassment will go away, the anger from the other kids will go away, just focus on the legal aspects</p>
<p>it was funny, when my husband got his DUI all those years ago, when he was “on the chain gang” he was mortified someone would see him cleaning up the roadside. He actually ran into a friend doing the same gig. After the first week, he didn’t care if anyone saw him. Those that knew him, would understand. As for the rest, W/E, he just didn’t worry about it.</p>
<p>Perhaps find a nice big thread on some forum about an unintended pregnancy or getting a serious sexually transmitted disease and have him read it?</p>
No kid has to say anything. The are all entitled under the 5th Amendment to keep their mouths shut. They don’t have to talk to the police, they don’t have to testify. They have the right to put the prosecution to its proof.</p>
<p>But I would never counsel my kid to lie, lie, lie about something. </p>
<p>If you tell your kid to lie to others about something, how can you ever trust anything that kid ever tells you?</p>
<p>It crossed my mind. He told us that they had two methods of protection (pill and condoms) but there’s still a risk. Oddly, before this DUI if you had told me they had taken the steps to protect themselves, I may have said they were ready for sex because he’s always been a mature kid and my wife and I had come to trust his GF. I would have advised him against it because I don’t think sex at 17 leads to anything good, but I wouldn’t have flat-out told him no as I will now.</p>
<p>^ Don’t forget the emotional aspect of sex, hence my comment of the first time (?) being under the influence. There is much more to sex than just the feel good component. </p>
<p>GF on the pill may or may not be true and how responsible she is with it may be up in the air as well. Plus stuff like antibiotics can affect their effectiveness and of course they don’t have any impact on STDs.</p>
<p>Why is GF on the pill? Not her first time? </p>
<p>I’m not sure that “no” will stop 2 teens from doing what they want to do. 30 days in jail will certainly however put a damper on those plans. I think it is probably important to have “the talk” (maybe coming from mom?), emphasizing that rules need to be followed, for his and her safety - even if the temptation is great. He thought that driving drunk was ok (to get to sex) because it was only 2 miles. I can see some risky behavior that may likely carry over into his responsibilities as a sex partner.</p>
<p>I agree with everything you said. To answer your question (and keep in mind this is all coming from my son), they had planned this over a month ago and she had told her older sister that she wanted to start on the pill. (I have no idea if it was her first time, but it was to be his.) Apparently they wanted to wait for the prom because they bought into the whole idea of proms being magical nights–I had thought my son was too smart for that nonsense. The drinking apparently wasn’t part of the plan until shortly before the dance and was the idea of her group of friends.</p>
<p>I know we can’t stop him but we can discourage him. The only thing we could do to stop them is to make him stop seeing her, which my wife and I have discussed. But it’s been good for him to have her to talk to this week since they’re both going through arrests.</p>
<p>If it were my ds, I’d raise the possibility that maybe he was drinking because he wasn’t ready for sex, that he perhaps was finding courage in the bottle?</p>
<p>Honestly, you can try to make him stop seeing her but it won’t work. I wouldn’t bother. I’m surprised her parents haven’t issued that edict. Perhaps her parents also realize that it won’t work. They will just sneak and hide and it will probably make the whole thing more “romantic”. It is better to oversee and supervise and keep those lines of communication open. </p>
<p>For those saying that jail and prison are so different- I think that really varies by where you live. Since I live in the same county where Detroit is, our county jail is pretty darn scary and I would feel like sending a relatively innocent and naive 17 year old there for a month is very frightening to me. My perspective is skewed because of that Detroit factor there. It is no place for a kid with no street smarts.</p>
<p>@AWX - My husband and I have had a number of no drinking, no drugs and no drinking and driving talks with all of our boys starting when they were 10 years old. I just don’t make it a habit to remind my oldest about it every time he goes out with his friends and given the fact he graduated tonight so I thought it was a good idea to remind him.</p>
<p>A couple of years ago I was in a group of 25 adults, ranging in age from 25-60. During a get-acquainted exercise, someone self-identified as a “prom baby”, i.e. conceived on prom night. TWO other people in that group of 25 said, “Me, too!”
I would say it is worth having that talk sooner rather than later.</p>
<p>I’m glad to hear it wasn’t the first talk! And congrats on his graduation :)</p>
<p>I not only remind my kids very often, but I remind them often that even if they’re not DUI, chances are good that many other drivers on the same road <em>are</em>, so be reallllly careful. S2 went to a party last night, and we had “the talk” again. As usual with his group of friends, everyone spends the night unless they live close enough to walk home (they are not underage). I’d rather have him alive and sprawled on his friend’s couch or floor than in a hospital bed or worse.</p>
<p>I didn’t trust my husband to have that ‘talk’ YMMV…I know how old he was when he lost his ‘virginity.’ I doubt my h said anything and if he did it was probably ‘don’t get some girl pregnant.’ I did all the talking starting when they entered high school I really can’t do the addition, not enough coffee, to figure out how old that was for each but say around 14 years old. I focused on two things: no drinking and driving and don’t rely on the woman for protected sex…use a condom. I figured I was going to lose on the drinking (without driving) so I took a strong stance on the other two. I also repeatedly said I would come and get them anywhere, anytime, no questions asked. Mostly they would roll their eyeballs and say “I’m not stupid, mom” but we all know just how “stoopid” teen boys can be so I figured if they heard my voice in their head “at the moment” maybe they would think about the moment.</p>
<p>I asked my ex-husband to have the sex talk with my S14. All he told him was this: “Stay away from the really beautiful women because they’re snobbish and won’t give you the time of day anyway.” Alrighty then. I had a longer conversation and we’ve had other talks since then. The most recent one was informing him where he could find condoms in the house and if they disappeared- no questions asked. He spontaneously says “Why do you have condoms?” (remember, I’m a single mom…) I said “Do you really want to discuss that?” and he got quiet as the reality set in “No, no, no… nevermind.” </p>
<p>He did go to an “after party” after prom at a friend’s house and was staying the night at the friend’s house. I asked him ahead of time if the group he was hanging out with were drinkers and if there would be alcohol. He said there might be some there and he hadn’t decided if he would try it or not. A few days later, he told me he wasn’t going to imbibe if the opportunity arose. He is still committed to being Straight Edge. </p>
<p>After prom, he told me a girl danced very suggestively with him and it made him feel very uncomfortable. He said “That really made me realize I’m not ready for sexual activity yet.” He hasn’t had a girlfriend yet and is “friend zoned” by the girls he has been interested in. He is very frustrated that girls like boys who treat them badly and confide in him about those types of things but aren’t interested in HIM when he would treat them well and be nothing but thoughtful and kind. </p>
<p>When there is a girl friend in the picture, we’ll talk some more again.</p>
<p>I’m pretty sure his Straight Edge commitment will be out the door within the next year or two.</p>
<p>I had to laugh, I can’t imagine any of mind actually saying those words…or substituting “sexual activity” for the word sex or hookup. I had the opposite problem…girls everywhere. I teasingly used to tell my husband to avert his eyes when they were around here in bathing suits. So 2016…count your blessings those were tense years for me.</p>
<p>Just want to tell NorthCarolinaDad that I’ve been thinking about him a lot. I think he’s just the best for all he’s doing for his son. Nothing will help the young man more than having his loving dad in his corner.</p>