Son's prom night DUI

Parents Forum
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Disagree strongly with this advice. Judges dont take kindly to what looks like a parent trying to minimize a potential problem or get their kid off the hook. They prefer to see that the parent takes the situation seriously and addresses it as such. While the example I am about to give relate to speeding and not drunk driving, the analogy is similar. A friend’s son was ticketed for speeding excessively on his way to school not too long after he got his license. They (the parents) took this VERY seriously, took away his license until the court date, made him attend drivers safety classes (and had the documentation of completion of the class) etc. in advance of his court date. They also brought in a research paper they had him write on the dangers of teenage speeding. It was clear to the judge that they were not just trying to “get him off” but were parents who took ownership of the need to address this problem and hopefully prevent future problems. He did have to pay a fine and do community service, but they did reduce the charges BECAUSE the parents did not try to minimize it.</p>

<p>In this case, I would suggest you have him seen by a substance abuse specialist who can complete an evaluation and see if they suspect a substance abuse (drug/alcohol) problem. If they do, then it needs to be addressed, regardless of the legal charges pending. If they don’t, then you can provide documentation that you have taken this situation seriously and as a parent taken steps to address it. It also provides supporting evidence that this hopefully WAS a one time stupid mistake. Without this, it will just sound like a parent trying to minimize or not believe that their child could have a problem. Many “good kids” have underlying issues, and a parent in denial doesnt help them. At this point we dont know if the son does or does not, but its not for the parent to decide. The responsibility of the court is to protect the public, and they need to do what they can to prevent this from happening again or the possibility that something worse could happen next time. It sounds like NC has some tough laws, and they’ve surely heard it all before from parents trying to keep their kids record clean. While there is nothing wrong with that, that needs to NOT be the driving force, or sound like the driving force. That will backfire. For sure .</p>

<p>*** crossposted with lindz126, mini and blossom. That was excellent advice.</p>

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<p>It surprises me that people are surprised about how easy it is for kids to get alcohol into school-sanctioned events. When I was a senior in high school our class got to go to Disney World for an event called Grad Night. Basically they closed Disney World to the public and senior classes from all over Florida went to celebrate the end of high school. We got to go on all the rides, there were live bands…it was really fun. That was the first night that I involved alcohol in my social plans with friends–until then I had never done that (although I had occasionally had a sip of wine at home, with my parents’ permission). Anyway, even though I was at a strict religious school and there were people inspecting bags at Disney World, we got in with all manner of alcohol. How? Vodka went in contact solution bottles. Whiskey was Chanel No. 5. Regular bottles of Coke also held rum. We were all lightweights, and actually it wasn’t a whole lot of fun being tipsy on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride or whatever those spinning teacups were called. The point is that it is relatively easy to get alcohol into events where it isn’t supposed to be. It only takes a couple of “clever” people to get a whole lot of kids drunk.</p>

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<p>sally, I agree. I think the posters who are surprised never did anything in HS. Another trick at a house party: Go early and hide the liquor in the bushes. Kids show up with nothing, but then go find the stash and add it to their drinks.</p>

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<p>I lost a friend to a drunk driver 30+ years ago – not to death, but to a lifetime of profound mental and physical disability – all because a person in another car drove drunk. That bright, kind, exuberant teenager is now nearing 50 in an institution, unable to walk or talk, with no bowel or bladder control. Death would have been a blessing. I have absolutely no sympathy toward any drunk driver.</p>

<p>That being said, my heart goes out to you as a parent because you love your son and want to help him – and we all love our children no matter what, even when we are so mad we can barely see straight. You are admirably up front about this and aren’t making excuses for him.</p>

<p>The one thing I would say to my child at this point is: “You’ve found out the hard way what can happen when you drink. Anyone who drives drunk has a drinking problem, whether he or she is an alcoholic or not, and the only way to deal with it is to stop drinking, period. From this point on, you must never touch alcohol again – no matter what the circumstances. It’s too late to change what you’ve done, but you can change your life going forward, and this is a change you must make, before you kill yourself or someone else.”</p>

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Mr. Toad’s wild ride (may it RIP) was an indoor ride. A classic. The spinning cups are an outdoor ride, definitely nausea- inducing even without alcohol. Its called the Mad Tea Party.</p>

<p>OK, back to the serious topic at hand. </p>

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Or the judge could have a family member with a substance problem, or someone who was injured or killed by a drunk driver. They will take this situation VERY seriously. Again- their job is to protect the public and keep a potentially dangerous situation from occurring again.</p>

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<p>Kids are very good at sneaking in liquor. Water bottles often dont contain water.</p>

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<p>We have fifth graders with thermos’.</p>

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<p>Thanks, jym! My sentence was poorly worded. I know they were two separate rides. You are right that the teacups were nausea-inducing–especially in the hot sun. Blech.</p>

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<p>I can agree with Marsian with only a small part: there is a distinction between a drinking problem and being an alcoholic.
The drinking problem we know of in this case is a kid that drank booze then got behind the wheel. That is a problem of poor judgment, and that can be overcome. I must respectfully disagree this kid should be told never to touch alcohol again. This kid does need to be told that’s why laws outlaw teen drinking, and that even an adult’s judgment can be impaired by alcohol. What this kid needs to grasp are waiting until he’s of proper age, the dangers of overindulging, and especially dangers of drinking and driving.</p>

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<p>Agreed. Alcoholism is at least partially a genetic disorder, especially afflicting folks of northern European origins. I think drinking advice has to be tailored to both individual and family situation - including genetics. There are some people who should never drink. Period. End of story. ANY alcohol is overindulging. And others for whom drinking in moderation is perfectly fine (might even be life-enhancing - the data really isn’t clear.</p>

<p>There are lots of folks with serious alcohol problems later in life who aren’t alcoholics. There are also recovering alcoholics without any serious drinking problems.</p>

<p>Driving under the influence is, by definition, a serious drinking problem.</p>

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<p>I think the discussion about what to tell the kid is its own form of denial. There are so many instances as a parent where you need to give advice or discipline your child in the absence of facts- so you are relying on he said/she said, or your child’s past track record as reliable historian, or whatever.</p>

<p>That is not the case here. You’ve got a police report, a blood alcohol reading, another person in the car who does not dispute any of the facts on the table, etc. So whether the parents tell the kid never to drink again or sort of immaterial right now. And for the parents to get side tracked IMHO is really a mistake.</p>

<p>You can sort out the genetics or alcohol abuse another time. Right now, your kid did something which could have had fatal consequences. And mercifully did not. So act accordingly. Get your child an assessment by an expert; get a lawyer to walk you through the process and give you several ways this could go so you know your options; be as candid as you possibly can be with your son both about how serious this is, AND how much you love him and will support him and be sitting next to him in court, in the lawyers office, driving him to rehab or counseling, or whatever he needs from you.</p>

<p>Don’t get distracted by another rodeo right now.</p>

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<p>^^^ Good advice.</p>

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<p>Mad at the cops? With that BAC, you’re lucky your son, GF and car are in one piece and the car didn’t get wrapped-around a tree. No need for counselling? Think again; that BAC indicates a drinking problem, probably well hidden from you, but nonetheless significant. Work your darndest to keep him out of jail, but I sure hope he’s grounded for a year, in counselling, and closely supervised by you. Think about it - your son and GF were actually quite lucky, all things considered.</p>

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<p>The thing that jumped out at me the most is this:</p>

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<p>Why??</p>

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<p>No need to ground for a year. That is just an unrealistic punishment. When my daughter got in trouble, the schools punishment was pretty severe, so I didn’t ground her. She self grounded. A few friends came over. She did go out shopping and to the movies, but was home early. She did extra around the house. She was old enough to realize what she needed to do. </p>

<p>If you don’t give some freedom, when this kid does go off to college, he won’t have grown up like he needs to. He needs to find other ways to keep busy, and be allowed to self regulate. Now, no car of course, checking in all the time, answering texted from mom and dad quickly, a summer job, volunteering. Fewer perks. But while someone could have gotten hurt, no one did. Can’t punish for what ifs all the time</p>

<p>Court dates, probation officer, AA or group meetings, meeting s with attorneys, etc take time. Not allowing son to go to school basketball games or movie with the gf won’t help.</p>

<p>Make his summer uncomfortable and have him earn back every privilege, but give him the chance to redeem himself. Otherwise the whole family will suffer even more and be miserable.</p>

<p>When this is all said and done, my kid would be in the schools office sharing how the booze got in. </p>

<p>What I would want to know was the timing of the whole scenario, drinking at prom, after, was he drunk at prom? What about the other friends? Did they do nothing to take his keys. </p>

<p>It is his fault, of course. But this is a learning experience, and other kids need to also see they have a responsibility to watch out for each other.</p>

<p>My daughter had a friend once who got drunk before a public dance,. She went outside. My daughter was the only friend who stayed with her till the girls mom came. She took friend to security who called the parents. She waited. She missed a lot of the dance but never would have left friend alone. The other girls did, they wanted to dance and said, well, it’s her fault. Yes it was her fault, but friends watch out for friends. It’s the code.</p>

<p>If he was drunk at prom and they let him leave, well.that needs to be looked into as well.</p>

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<p>NorthCarolinaDad- wow, my heart goes out to you. Any of us who have raised young adults know that “There but for the Grace of God go I.” However, I have to agree that your son needs to know the complete ramifications of what he has done. I would also hold off on any college talk until the dust has settled and you know how the case is going to be resolved.</p>

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<p><a href=“http://www.nhtsa.gov/people/injury/research/809-050pdf.pdf[/url]”>http://www.nhtsa.gov/people/injury/research/809-050pdf.pdf&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Take a good look at Figure 1, particularly the line for 16-20 year old males. At about 0.09 BAC, the curve is off the scale. </p>

<p>Your son may not be an alcoholic. On the other hand, kids in the “DUI in high school” group are more likely to be alcoholics than the kids in the “No DUI in high school” group. Are you willing to bet his life on this matter?</p>

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<p>I just need to reiterate what Blossom, Mini, and Jym have said – no Judge or prosecutor is going to buy the “stupid mistake” idea. People in the criminal justice system hate hearing excuses – its what they hear all day, every day, from just about every one who appears in court. I think the defense lawyers hate it as much as the prosecutors, probation officers, and judges – the client who is making excuses turns out to be a repeat offender. </p>

<p>There is no going back. Because the kid was speeding when the car was stopped (or the cop says he was speeding), the lawyer probably won’t have grounds to challenge the stop. If the BAC is from a breathalyzer, there is no way to retest; if it is a blood or urine test, a retest is a good idea but unlikely to come back very different. </p>

<p>No one will give credence to the “stupid mistake” claim because the stats that Mini cites are consistent with everyone’s experience; and kids are given plenty of info on drinking and driving during driver’s ed, plus every teenager should know about the state’s zero tolerance laws for underage driver. Over 21, it’s possible to have a couple of glasses of wine with dinner and misjudge. Under 21, the kid should have known that if he had even one drink, he could not get beyond the wheel. </p>

<p>The only way anyone is going to cut your kid “a break” is if you demonstrate that your family has taken this very seriously. You don’t tell the court that “it was only this once and we’re sorry” – you show the court the steps you are taking to actively prevent this from ever happening again. </p>

<p>I think the point that “alcoholism” and a “drinking problem” are not necessarily the same is important. Your son definitely, absolutely has a “drinking problem” – he demonstrated that by drinking heavily and then getting behind the wheel. It may or may not be alcoholism – but it is poor judgment, and that is a problem. I also think from my own personal observations that the poor judgment aspect can be a precursor to alcoholism. My observation has been that one quality of alcoholics is that they don’t know when to stop, and they don’t have the self-discipline to stick to rules or boundaries when it comes to drinking — the kids who experiment with alcohol or drugs but do not develop a substance abuse problems tend also to make better decisions, to control the environment in which they drink, set boundaries for themselves, and stick to them. So I think that the kids who don’t have the inner reserves to say “no” or “not now” will tend to start drinking more regularly and frequently over time, even if they start out as occasion drinkers. (And they typically fare poorly in college, given the opportunities and temptations in that environment. So maybe instead of asking whether this will affect his ability to get into a good college, you might need to ask whether your son needs to demonstrate a lot more maturity before he is ready to attend college away from home.).</p>

<p>So my point is that you should not make the mistake of viewing this as “only” a one time thing. It’s not the end of the world that your son has a DWI – but it is a very serious charge, too serious to be written off in that manner. Your son had to make a series of very bad judgments, in contravention to everything his parents and teachers have told him over and over again, to get in this position. It’s a willful, planned act - and one that could have led to serious injury or death.</p>

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<p>I think this story scares me most because this was a junior…and he got behind the wheel of a car with quite a high BAC. I’ve dealt with an MIP and kids that I knew drank occasionally but honestly none of my kids ever took their car if they were going to drink…it was one of the first signs that told me my kids were probably drinking. But in general good post Calmom.</p>

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<p>You are getting better advice than I could give from all the other posters here. But I just thought I’d chime in with a personal anecdote. A friend of mine got a DUI a few years after high school, and actually spent 30 days in jail for missing a drug test afterward that was mandatory for her probation. We were jaw dropping, eye popping SHOCKED. But she resumed her studies afterward, got married, had a baby, and now it’s like it never happened-- life goes on. I am sure your S feels like this is the end of the world, and he needs to realize just how easily it COULD HAVE BEEN, but do remind him that he has been blessed with a second chance and people DO go on from these experiences every day. The fact that nobody was hurt means he has an opportunity to fix this and make it right. That is a gift.</p>