<p>OP - I can relate to your shock and upset. We are five-weeks post junior prom drinking episode. My child wasn’t driving, thankfully, but became so intoxicated at prom she had to be taken to the ER by ambulance. The first week was brutal - scandal, embarrassment, suspension, loss of school club officer ship. But I am here to tell you that your son and your family will survive and very likely emerge stronger and wiser. My child and your son sound similar. Good smart kids who made stupid decisions. I think a therapist is a great idea. My child has been attending weekly sessions for over a month now and it has really helped her handle both the immediate fallout and some underlying issues. We grounded er until the end of school so she is finishing up her punishment. The therapist said we should be glad it happened in highschool when she was still in a relatively protected environment. It could have been much much worse. Best of luck to your family. Hang in there and keep talking.</p>
<p>Actually, the North Carolina University system, or at least UNC-CH, has a mandatory suspension for a DUI. It’s a very serious offense in your state and I’m sorry.</p>
<p>As for those who believe Alcoholics don’t drive drunk? Pshaw. I’m not in the mood to get in a cite war. But unless you show me some studies, I’m just going to shrug that one off.</p>
<p>I’m not saying this young man is an alcoholic, but that’s a very high BAC to be driving, and it points to at least some “tolerance.”</p>
<p>Tolerance is not necessarily something you want to see in a kid this age, for various reasons related to alcoholism. Still, if he is an alcoholic, or if anybody is, it’s important to remember that that’s not something he can help. Alcoholics are born that way. Alcohol is kind of just water on newly seeded lawn in that case.</p>
<p>What I’m trying to say, NCD, please tell your son, if he goes in for an evaluation as part of this to tell the truth to the evaluator. He has to know that no matter what he says to them, you will love him and support him. That way, if he does have the disease of addiction to alcohol, he can get help.</p>
<p>The son’s story reads very true to me. I’m not excusing his own poor choices but I would be angry that there wasn’t more supervision at this prom. There is no way his intoxication wouldn’t have been apparent to an adult who was paying attention. Vodka in a water bottle is common. Why were there water bottles allowed at this function? He made his choices and will pay for it but it’s a shame the school wasn’t more proactive in preventing what could have been a tragedy. Let’s say he did get in an accident and his date was injured. You can bet her family would have also sued the school district and the facility where the prom was held.</p>
<p>" Probably his first time drinking."</p>
<p>He has already admitted it isn’t his first time. As a statistical matter, he probably started drinking at 12 or 13. He isn’t a statistic of course, but on average, that would indeed be the case. </p>
<p>Alcoholics, and problem drinkers (they aren’t the same), drive drunk all of the time. A NHTSA study demonstrated that for every drunk driver who is caught, on average s/he drove drunk 106 times without being caught. I doubt that is true of the kid - not because he doesn’t drink but because he hasn’t had the car long enough. </p>
<p>Do I think he’s an alcoholic? I have absolutely no idea. Do I think it would be odd if he was? Not in the least. Does it make a difference? It makes a HUGE difference in his future relationship with alcohol. </p>
<p>I don’t know why folks would think it odd if he was. Alcoholism afflicts roughly 9-10% of the Caucasian population, significantly higher for males. It would hardly be an anomaly. It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world either. It can be controlled, rather like Type II diabetes can be controlled. Just has be diagnosed accurately, and treated accordingly. Does it run in your family at all?</p>
<p>The problem drinking - getting behind the wheel of a car with .16 in one’s system - that is a bigger concern. One is a personal medical problem; the other is a public health problem that endangers the health and safety of others.</p>
<p>
Heck, that’s what my kids I would have told us too, but we wouldn’t have bought it. Some here are praising OP’s son for his honesty, but I think he has a long way to go to prove he is trustworthy after this escapade. Hopefully a substance counselor will be able to suss out the whole story. I wish the family a positive recovery from this unhappy spring.</p>
<p>I think people are too caught up in the label “alcoholism”. The OP’s son has a drinking problem – we know that because or the circumstance of his arrest. If another CC’er posted that their child had been arrested for shoplifting, we wouldn’t know whether or not the kid was a kleptomaniac, but we would agree that the kid had a theft problem. </p>
<p>The “problem” focuses on the behavior pattern. That it is, the <em>behavior</em> is the problem that currently exists. The behavior may or may not be accompanied by a more serious health problem of alcoholism – but the behavior pattern is also one that can lead to alcoholism. It’s like any addiction. A person may have a genetic predisposition to alcoholism, but will not become an alcoholic unless and until he starts drinking. A non-alcoholic can have a problem with drinking – for example, a person who rarely drinks but behaves very badly on those occasions – and the good news is that person will have an easier time addressing and correcting the problem than the alcoholic. However, a young person who is prone to alcoholism and is just beginning to experiment with drinking could be on a slippery slope – the behavior which is correctable at an early stage may become ingrained if the person continues with problem behavior. </p>
<p>It is also possible for teenagers to be drinking but not have a problem-- that is, they are violating the laws against underage drinking, but their behavior is consistent with that of moderate and occasional drinkers. They have a glass of champagne at a wedding, or a glass of wine with dinner, but continue to behave politely and do not over-indulge. </p>
<p>I grew up in a family where moderate drinking was modeled, and so by the time I went to college I had experience with drinking among the grownups, but I had never seen the type of binge drinking or partying that goes on at college campuses. I was appalled. I did not take part, even though I continued to drink moderately, simply because that wasn’t the relationship I had with alcohol. </p>
<p>If I had a kid who had gotten in trouble because of his drinking, I’d want to help my kid whether or not I believed him to be an alcoholic. I’d want him to become aware of the types of behaviors and patterns that tend to be associated with alcoholism and problem drinking, and I would want to improve my own awareness. </p>
<p>I don’t think you need a “diagnosis” in order to recognize and address a problem behavior. Obviously the diagnosis can inform how the behavior is addressed. </p>
<p>But any kind of behavior that results in a likely jail sentence is, by definition, a problem. At least in my view.</p>
<p>I have been on CC a long time and I am one of the parents who has dealt with disciplinary issues involving my kid. Anyone who thinks the OP’s situation is rare is very, very wrong. I have been contacted by PM over the years by probably 30 parents (and kids), besides the ones who started threads, due to incidents involving drinking, drugs or other offenses either involving suspension, expulsion or the legal system. Kids experiment with alcohol. Most don’t get caught. Some do. Some of the situations are more serious than others. This one is serious because of the driving element and the high BAC. The legal system will have to be navigated and the chips will fall. College chances are not ruined and he will be able to become a lawyer or whatever he wants. This will have to be disclosed and explained, but is not a deal-breaker. Again (as a lawyer) we can’t opine what any particular judge or jurisdiction will do. </p>
<p>Anyone who thinks there isn’t rampant drinking on prom night despite precautions and breathalyzers is sadly mistaken.</p>
<p>I think lots of parents on CC have their heads in the sand when it comes to teenage drinking/drug use etc. I work with college freshmen. The stories that will tell, all the while indicating that their parents had no clue. They are very convincing when caught (becasue they brag about that, too).</p>
<p>They’re not bad kids, it’s just the age. Teens experiment. When I, myself, look back, I wonder how the heck I didn’t end up dead or maimed. </p>
<p>As soon as my kids were old enough to start going out with friends, the rule was they had to come and kiss me good night when they got home. It was a sniff test for pot or alcohol. D’11 just found that out. She was a little indignant. I laughed.</p>
<p>
I always waited up for them. They would come to my room to tell me about the party and they had to be able to talk to me for 15+ min.</p>
<p>We also weren’t very strict with our kids drinking, but a lot more strict about driving. We would drive our kids if they were going to drink. D2 went to high school where drinking age was 18, we didn’t have any more issue with her (or her friends) than with D1.</p>
<p>I’m really surprised by the chitter-chatter here by some posters that OP’s son’s school is somehow culpable too for missing the smuggled alcohol. It’s not their job to test every water bottle present, nor individually evaluate students as they leave a school-sponsored alcohol-free event. And vodka’s nearly tasteless, which is why it’s often the hard alcohol of choice for inexperienced drinkers. With that BAC, OP’s son is a likely experienced drinker still unwilling to fully disclose, because it’s difficult to explain otherwise how he walked out of venue and drove car, rather than passing out or puking in the parking lot.</p>
<p>OP, I think you are a great dad with a great son. I’m sorry you are going through this but glad it happened now rather than later with potentially harsher consequences, and glad there were no injuries. He will learn and grow from this experience.</p>
<p>Count me as another parent who has been through this mill. Never thought I’d have a criminal attorney. If you have teen kids, it’s a good idea to know who to call if any issues arise. Don’t need it, the card takes a lot less space than an umbrella, and can provide a lot more shelter if needed.</p>
<p>In our area, putting the kid into a treatment program is very important. The judges look very favorably upon the fact that concerned family members are being proactive and taking this all very seriously. That means AA meetings and some local program. It doesn’t matter if you think or if there isn’t what you think is an alcoholism problem or whether it is going to help the kid’s mindsets. When it goes to court, it helps a lot when the attorney says to the judge that this is a first offense, everyone, including the kid and the especially the family is taking this very seriously and going full force with the programs and education about this. The charges might even get reduced that way. Having a good attorney who knows how this works and is experineced with this is essential. Sometimes dragging out the charges for a while, if the asst DA is on rotation is useful because a new DA will want to clear the books of old charges and likely to reduce them. </p>
<p>My son got caught in the most egregious situation and had the book thrown at him with at least 6 very serious charges that got reduced to disorderly conduct. Took six months and he and I went to a whole lot of counseling and meetings. He was grounded, grounded, grounded, and went no where but to these meetings and sessions that summer and even took a comm coll course on substance abuse. I think that the idea of ever going through that sort of thing again scared him more than the court charges. It meant a lot of our time, mine too, and it was miserable. He had NO social time at all, until this was resolved. Whatever your attitude might be about all of this being a learning experience, and that teens experiment, and it’s just the age, you had better do your own attitude adjustment so that you are truly aghast, sorry, upset, et cetera when you go to court because those earlier attitudes are not going to help your kid.</p>
<p>As for college, my son’s supplemental package was probably the most interesting reading that ad coms had that year. I’m sure with all of the kids curing cancer and up for sainthood, his package was a change of pace. He got into a number of top 25 colleges and we let it all hang out.</p>
<p>I want to add that my son went to a treatment center for a good six months and that was his main thing in life, the other being my constant buddy since I would not let him out of my sight (and for good reason as he promptly got into trouble again after the first offense, when I thought he was upset and scared and worried so much about the situation at hand, and I did let him function with only a few limitations) I was told there that nearly every parent thinks that the offense for which their kid was caught was just situational, but that 99% of the time there is more of the iceberg unseen. My son was in the 1%, but IMO, the consequences of being treated like the other 99% did more good than if he had been treated like the 1%. He knew exactly what the consequences would be in terms of his life if he got into trouble again. So don’t let the hang dog, depressions, and grief make you think that you should not go through the paces. Even if he gets off scot free, going through the programs has value. '</p>
<p>One thing about my son is that he has an extraordinary amount of empathy for others, and I think seeing some horrible trainwrecks in the program really hit him hard. There were kids who were very far gone, a reason wny I wanted to avoid the program as I felt he would gain info from them that might take him down the path of substance abuse further. But he was appalled and hurt to see these young people, some of them threatening their own lives because of the their addiction and attraction to illicit drugs. Some of them have not made it over time. My son was surrounded at school and the community with kids who blatently and regularly broke substance abuse laws and the consequences were not a big deal. That he got caught by the stupid police was bad luck as far as he was concerned and he did not take it that seriously. Whether he would have ended up in jail without the time we put in therapy and programs and attorneys, I don’t know, but he certainly did not believe he would. Too many kids getting away with it even caught by cops. A lot of the kids, and sadly, the parents do not take this seriously here, and I am considered a bit mad and over the top on my insistence that the law be obeyed to the letter when it comes to underage drinking and any hint of illegal substances. i have a zero tolerance and do not look the other way. I could not with some of the kids I have and their friends. And, yes, now 10-15 years later, some of them, not mine, thank God, stepped too far astray and are dead, hurt terribly and have done some hard time, as well as being truly institutionalized. You never know which ones will take it too far. You cannot treat this seriously enough. You do also need a lawyer who has considerable experience in this. as well as a mental health specialists and substance abuse professionals who are well versed in how to hand the situation. It is a serious, serious problem with our young people. </p>
<p>I look at my lone high schooler, who is such a sweet young man, and my heart fills with fear at all of these things out there that can distract and catch him. Oh, I fear.</p>
<p>Very interesting, cpto - agree with all posters who encourage OP to get the son/family into counceling NOW. Not only will the system look favorably on it, but it might be useful to you guys.</p>
<p>I can tell you this thread will make me go home today and discuss again with DD who is home for the summer and has a car.</p>
<p>Hoping for the best of outcomes for your family, OP.</p>
<p>A friend of ours has a son who is very shy, has few friends, and has had chronic medical problems over the years. When he went away for college, which he did not until junior standing, he was already over 21, due to a year or two lost for medical treatment reasons. I know the young man personally, and truly, he is a sweet young man who has undergone a lot.</p>
<p>Some kids asked him to buy the beer for a party or something, and he did. And got caught. Absolutely, he did so wanting to make friends, not being experienced with people, and he truly was not a trouble maker, but my friend and her DH could not get it through their heads, that none of this mattered. Unless they went through the paces that showed that they and he were taking this all very seriously, he could go to jail. And he did, much to their shock. They felt that the judge upon hearing the story and the fact that he was a first offender and all of the medical issues would give him a suspended sentence at worse. Nope. Abetting a minor in these ways is a big deal issue in that area, and you gotta throw your all into showing that you feel what happened is horrible, terrible and that you and the kid are doing everything there is to make sure that you all understand that it is so, because other wise the judge is likely to send you to such facilities and you are then doing it court ordered and throw some jail time and hefty fees on top of it. Dont’ even start with the caveats that you don’t think it is a serious problem because you gotta be whole hog about this and leave no doubt that you and the kid are. The attorney has to wave that you have gone through the paces, you are miserable, the kid is miserable, that you are truly sick about this and you gotta show it. We didn’t have to pretend, because we were there, let me tell you. As I said, my son, did me the favor of lapsing before the danged thing was even in court, showing me his true colors and disregard for all of this. At the time, it was a poisoned lance through the heart, but it was what got me in the right direction, because without that as additional motivation, I was going through some motions, myself The utter stupidity and disdain that underlied his regrets and crocodlie tears came right to the surface with that , and I knew that we had a real problem. 10 and more years later, I know that a lot of kids did, and some of them and their parents paid, oh, so terribly, some even going through the paces.</p>
<p>My D (18) commented that this kid’s story has a ring of truth to it. It is pretty embarrassing to admit that (1) you were trying to keep up with the “faster crowd”, and (2) you planned to sleep with your GF for the first time that night, so that is why you didn’t call for a ride. I agree – anyone who has ever done anything really stupid for the sake of sex, raise you hand. Oh, that is probably most of us (my hand is up).</p>
<p>Unfortunately, THAT component may not come out in the suspension discussion or court activity. It is tough to tell your parents, but saying that in public (unless the GF agrees he should share the story) is going to be really, really hard. I personally think he should give that as a reason if asked by the court or the school, but the GF and her friends/family may be real unhappy with him if he does.</p>
<p>^I would NOT encourage the kid to use that reason. First of all, it’s a common scenario for prom night and it will be in the back of people’s minds anyway. Second, it doesn’t mitigate what he did or make him more sympathetic, in my opinion.</p>
<p>NCDad,</p>
<p>I’ve wanted to write since you first posted, but haven’t because of the pain I still feel 30 years later. It looks like you are headed down the right path, but minimize nothing. I talk to my sons frequently about bad decisions and life altering decisions. They need to know the difference. My first night at college I learned a friend died as a passenger of another friend who had been drinking. 25-years later, this other friend took his own life. The ramifications of this one night are far reaching into multiple families, including my own today.</p>
<p>Teenage brains are not fully developed, and they will make mistakes. Your son started with a bad decision when he drank, and took it to a potentially life altering decision when he got behind the wheel. He got lucky and I pray for him that he figures this out.</p>
<p>I will keep you in my prayers, and I hope for the best for him and your family.</p>
<p>
Do you have a problem with the “harsh” laws? </p>
<p>
I wonder what the drunk driver’s punishment was for forever altering your friend’s life?</p>
<p>NCDad - my heart goes out to you and your family and feel that our are taking the right approach.</p>
<p>I have been lurking for a couple of days …My S’s junior / senior prom was this past weekend (he is anti prom/dances so he did not attend) However, several of his friend’s attended. The kids are bused to the Prom location - so no cars and this year there were cops at every exits. checking kids who went in or out of the Prom. I thought this was a good proactive move on the part of the school.</p>
<p>This discussion opened up the door for me to dicuss drinking and driving with my son. At S’s HS there is a lot of education about drug and alcohol abuse. When I explained NCD’s son’s situation. My S was all over it…meaning instead of shrugging it off - he opened up a discussion and knew exactly what 1.6 level meant- to my surprise. I should add that he prides himself as anti alcohol / drug abuse. But The real real discussion was about him getting his license ( he has his permit). I want him to get his license for several readons and because I fear he may find himself in a situation where others are drinking and potentially driving drunk while he is in the car.
His response was " Mom - I am not going to let anyone drink and drive ! I would rather drive with my permit and take the risk of getting caught then let one of my friends drive drunk" so I pressed upon him if this ever happened that he was in this situation he should call me - no questioned asked - just call and I will come get you. No he said honestly- I wouldn’t want anyone to get in trouble ! So then the discussion was lead to Mom who do you think might drink ? …finally ending that he has agreed to get his license.
This morning i woke up thinking - has this already hapoened ? is he driving with his permit when others are unable to drive? I think I am going to continue this is discussion this evening…</p>