I commute to university from home. We have two dogs, so we take turns walking them. My brother’s been out of town, so my dad told me I had to take them tonight. I had a bad day today (I’ve been battling depression for quite some time now, though my parents don’t know that) so of course, I wasn’t too happy about having to walk the dogs in the cold when I had planned to stay in and rest. I admittedly whined “whyyyyy” and gave a little attitude. He then did this thing where he talks to me like he’s some sort of drill sergeant or something, and that pisses me off. There was no way for me to sit there and smile and pretend to be happy about having to cover for my brother when I had just had a really rough day. Depression makes it really hard for me to just get out of bed (of course, my parents attribute this to laziness because they don’t know that there is something else going on) so because I was so ready to just throw on my comfy pants and a really good record and just lay in bed, I was agitated. He starts yelling at me and cursing and what not, and tells me that I’m grounded. Mind you, I’m a sophomore in college and I like to think that I’m, for the most part, as developed and matured as I should be for my age. This is not the first time he’s blown up over something so minuscule and grounded me since I’ve started college. Granted, I know I give attitude, but I’m 19. What teenage girl doesn’t give a smidge of attitude every now and then? He gets angry over the littlest things. For example: in the front walkway, my family takes their shoes off on the right side but I take my shoes off on the left. I’ve been furiously yelled at and grounded for this. I occasionally forget to put the screen protector up on the window of my car when I come home. I’ve been furiously yelled at and grounded for this. I sometimes leave the towel slightly disheveled on the rack when I’m done. I’ve been furiously yelled at and grounded for this. Are you starting to get the picture? And he doesn’t just yell. He’s scary when he yells. He screams at the top of his lungs and even throws and hits sometimes. I thought it was normal to be hit when I was younger but now that I’m older, it seems strange to still be hit and screamed at. Is it me that needs to change, or is it him? I realize sometimes I am forgetful and I do give attitude and I’m messy. But that’s what he signed up for when he decided to have kids, isn’t it? I constantly feel like I’m walking on eggshells with him. Is this normal? What do I do?
His house, his rules. No you shouldn’t be yelled at, no one should. If he wants the shoes on the right, put yours on the right. If he wants you to walk the dog, do it. Exercise is good for depressions and it gets you away from him.
And why don’t you discuss your problems with your parents. Of course they are going to think you are lazy if you don’t explain to them there are other things going on.
Abusive, controlling parents rarely listen to reason. And they especially don’t care about depression. Most see it as a sign of weakness.
It sounds to me like dad has OCD. You can’t reason with people who physically cannot reason (as in the case of mental illness).
OP, you’re 19. It’s time to get out of that situation. Do you have a friend you can stay with? Has he ever threatened to harm you if you left the house?
I’ve never discussed my depression with my parents because I feel like they won’t take it seriously. I feel like they’ll write me off and tell me I need to suck it up and stop being dramatic. He’s never threatened to harm me if I left the house but he has said more than once that if I continue to anger him, he’s “not responsible for what he does to me”.
@flowergirl1996 that is not normal and it is not ok. I am sorry you are having to deal with this. (I mean, of course, don’t try to purposely antagonize your dad… but it doesn’t sound like there’s any pleasing him.)
Is there counseling available through your school to help you with your depression? Long-term, you should be figuring out a way to get out of a toxic environment (your home) for your own health, happiness and safety.
Thank you everyone for your input. It helps to know that there are people out there that I can talk to. I guess it is time to get out.
Is your father paying for your college?
I agree with the suggestion to seek counseling. It is unfortunate, but having such a difficult parent can make it hard to chose a loving and supportive spouse.
@flowergirl1996 I do not know what is going on in your house, but if you ever feel in physical danger I urge you to make contact with people who can help you make sense of your situation. There is a national domestic violence hotline you can call to speak to someone about your situation. It is 1-800-799-7233 that is 1-800-799-safe.
Good luck.
Thank you very much.
He is paying for college, which makes it difficult for me. I am incredibly grateful that he pays for my education. I am grateful for him putting a roof above my head and for him putting food on the table. I just wish he didn’t blow up over the smallest of things. I just don’t think it’s normal. Well clearly it’s not normal, judging by the responses I’ve received.
You need to go to a doctor or see a counselor about your depression. If you have an actual medical problem, get a diagnosis from a professional and appropriate treatment. Other than that, I don’t yell at my kids unless they have ignored multiple polite requests. Gonna be honest, if I were your parent and putting a roof over your head, and you mouthed off about walking the dog, there would be consequences.
Where is your mom when he is treating you this way? Is he like that to her and any siblings, too?
When you have adapted to a harmful situation like this, in order to acclimate and survive, it is a long road out. It is not as easy as just leaving and presto, things are better. It is natural for you to wonder if this is normal, which is a first step. Most kids growing up with this kind of anger and violence take a long time to understand it really isn’t normal, and to stop blaming themselves on some level. This may be a factor in your depression, though depression can be a very physiological disorder. (Are you on meds?)
Grounding in this knee jerk manner would seem to indicate a parent who wants to control and who is limited in resources or ability to deal with things in more complex ways, through conversation for instance. The fact that you still live at home might make a person like this have a hard time recognizing that you are at a different stage of life too.
The one thing I will say is that you are not walking on eggshells out of fear, because you do not do what he asks all the time.
Please get a counselor. There may be ways to move out or better ways to survive in the house, but you need help figuring out what is normal and what your role needs to be in the relationship. This is NOT your fault. And having a safe person outside the house to talk to will help you in so many ways. Good luck!
I am so sorry you have to deal with this situation. College isn’t your priority right now, your safety is. Do you have any friends you can live with while you look for a job and figure out your next step? Is your car in your name or your parents’? Where you go may depend on what transportation is available to you.
How much does your school cost? Your parents will have to fill out financial aid forms until you’re 24 (even to get the federal student loans), so when you do leave it’s probably best to give them excuses like the apartment is closer to work and/or school and not tell them the real reason. If your family qualifies for Pell or state grants, you’ll get them as long as your parents file the FAFSA and state aid applications.
Are you maxing out the student loans? If not, you can go to the financial aid office to request the loan for this semester (if it’s not over yet). As a sophomore, you could borrow $3250 for this semester and the same amount for spring. Just make sure to change your email, phone, school log on ID, and home address contact info. so your parents can’t intercept your messages. If you’re maxing out the loans, then your best bet is to try to move in with a friend and get a job, then sort out paying for school.
Just to be clear to OP, there is never an excuse for screaming, swearing, throwing things, hitting, or telling a child you’re “not responsible” for what you do to them if they make you angry. The consequences intparent is talking about are nothing like what’s happening in your home.
You should talk to your brother about this. Siblings need to rely on each other when the parent is unstable emotionally.
You can likely get counseling at you college health services for depression.
Now about the dog: someone has to do these things. Your parents and all of have “rough days” and still have to function, make dinner, take out garbage, work, pay bills etc. you need to learn this. Do as you are asked. Their house, their rules.
No one should be hitting you or throwing things. However, you either need to tie the line or move out and support yourself. It’s a hard decision. And I’m sorry you need to make it. Only you know if it is serious enough for you to leave, or if you simply need to toe the line (and yes, it is toe, not tow;)
Good luck!
Move out.
I teared up when reading this. I have friends in similar situations. I honestly feel like some of the comments on this thread mitigate the impact of depression. If you have on-campus healthcare, go talk to a psychiatrist. I’d recommend going to a therapist as well, if possible. I am so, so sorry that you’ve grown up in such an irrational household with depression. I would totally help you more if I could. I hope you can escape the abusive situation soon.
Until I read about the screaming and throwing and hitting I will admit that I sympathized with your Dad a bit. As a parent, I realize that these years are very tough and I try to be positive for my children. But after getting lip for a minor request or having to constantly remind my children about towels or dishes sometimes it is hard to be positive and supportive.
Do talk to your college counseling office about your feelings. Also remember if you want to be treated like an adult that you have to act like one.
Best thing to do is find a counselor at college to speak with. I would suggest not upsetting the apple cart since he is paying for college. However, i would follow his rules to keep him as calm as possible. It is very difficult having a parent who oversteps their boundaries and my sympathies are with you.