In a tricky situation. 20 y/o undergrad who wants to make serious changes to combat depression

College Life
1

You guys ready to hear a story? I hope so.

I am currently a 20 year old college student going to school at a well-known 4 year university. Everything looks great on paper. 3.5 GPA, tons of extra curriculars, solid social life, and just got an internship locked in place.

However…

There are underlying problems. Of course, right? I was diagnosed with depression at age 13. When I was 12, my Sudanese parents got divorced, and my dad literally packed his stuff and walked out of the house without describing any of the details to me. My little sister was 4 at the time, and according to her, she witnessed some fights between my parents. That messed her up real good. She’s now 12 and has to take numerous medications to combat her (literally) psychotic depression. I have also thought about taking medication and have tried counseling, but I try to push forward without much treatment as a way to trick myself into thinking that I’m strong. Now both me and my 12 year old sister live with my dad, and he has a very negative view towards depression. Essentially, he believes that it doesn’t exist, which has put a major filter in our relationship. I’m not allowed to show negative feelings, and I sure as hell know this because every time my 12 year old sister cuts herself, he makes her feel bad for feeling bad, only making the problem worse ("THIS IS THE WRONG THING TO DO!!! ARE YOU STUPID??). In other words, it seems this guy is pretty emotionally challenged. He is very hard to communicate with, and oftentimes he’ll just stare at you instead of speaking his mind. Very uncomfortable.

Now, that’s just the backstory. I’ve explained that I go to college, still live at home, and that my sister lives with us too. Now, recently, just me and my sister decided to spend a week in Greensboro in order to see our mom. There was the usual trash-talking about dad, since mom definitely has a lot against him at this point (dad divorced her while she had no steady income, got remarried, and continued to pursue his career as a professor). Now, when we drove back to our hometown, both me and my sister were dreading how miserable it was going to be. We both hate living in that house, as we find it to be a pretty toxic environment. We drive back, park the car near the driveway, walk in, and notice that dad has a very strange look on his face. Not unusual. Weird dude. I go upstairs and unpack my things, then start reading Quora on my phone. All of a sudden, my dad yells my name and asks what my GPA is. I tell him it’s a 3.5 overall, but I only got a 3.0 last semester since I ended up getting a C in one class. Crappy professor. I expected disappointment since a C isn’t the greatest news in the world, but my dad looked completely furious. He gives me a stare equivalent to that of Satan’s, and says “you and I need to have a talk.” He then has his wife (my stepmom) make him some hot chocolate, and he makes me sit there and wait while he finishes his mug (plus he chugged the thing down like his tongue was made of steel… Jesus). Then, he makes me get in his car, and for about 5-10 minutes, we’re driving in absolute silence and I have no idea where we’re going. He parks in some random ass spot on the campus I go to, and says “WHERE IS THE RED BAG IN THE BASEMENT?!”

Dear. God. What’s he talking about?!

My dad found out I had friends over one week while he was gone, and accused me and my friends of stealing it. Now, there is a reason he was so on edge. There was an incident in the past when something was stolen from the house while my parents were gone, and it was fairly recent too. However, we settled this personally without getting the police involved. Knew the guy pretty well… best friend in middle and high school actually. I decided to let the guy chill in my house while I go to work one day… then he decides to take drugs, has a terrible trip, and goes nuts. Yeah. Long story.

Anyway, I knew that this time nothing was actually stolen, since I basically kept an eye on my friends during their entire visit at the house. They did spend the night, and yes, something could have happened while I was asleep, but these guys aren’t anyone to take anything. My dad said he wanted to get the police involved, and once I told my friends that, they said “yes, please, let’s get this over with to prove that we didn’t do anything.” To me, that says something about the validity of their innocence. I keep telling my dad that I had no idea what he was talking about, yet kept saying “TELL ME RIGHT NOW WHAT HAPPENED” and continued to call me stupid, unappreciative, ungrateful, defiant, and that the wiring in my brain is off. He wouldn’t even tell me what the bag looked like, or when he found out it was apparently stolen. He then tells me that he doesn’t trust me anymore, and once we get home, I’m at my breaking point. After talking to some relatives, I make this super emotionally charged decision to pack all my belongings and move to Greensboro.

Obviously, this upset my dad, and he tried to guilt trip me into coming back, saying “you don’t fix a mistake by making another mistake” and “you must make amends and apologize to me in front of everyone in the house.” I didn’t wanna deal with that. My new plan was to find a job in Greensboro, work for a semester, then come back to school off student loans, grants, and scholarships. Over time, my dad begins to feel a bit bad, calls my mom while I’m in Greensboro, and forces me to talk to him on the phone. I tell him we need to fix the communication aspect in our relationship, since the underlying problems that led me to make the decision to go to Greensboro came from lack of communication… since I was scared of him. He told me he agreed with me.

I still wanna move out at this point. Even though we have sort of made up, I have a feeling he’s never truly going to change. I am thinking about moving out now and paying the rest of college myself through student loans. I have the option to take out a $7500 loan this semester, and have already found an apartment room. All I need to do is finalize things.

Is this a reasonable decision? Before, my dad was paying for my tuition, yet held that over my head as a way to stay in the house, because he doesn’t want me to be entitled to his money. He’s pretty tight about these things. If I take out the loan and continue to take out loans, I will graduate with debt on my plate… but I’ll be away from my dad. I think this is what I really need. I’m thinking a certain distance in our relationship will allow things to reset, instead of complicate, which is very possible if I stay in the house.

I just want to be happy… I want to feel free

2

You’ve answered your own question.

You want to be happy.You want to be free.

First: Toxic parents. Put them behind you ASAP if you possibly can. No matter what they say, you owe yourself happiness and peace first, before you owe anything but a sincere “thank you” to them for whatever they have provided, no matter what they say. Like on an airplane, put on your own oxygen mask first, before helping others.

Second: Trust that you are strong and can do whatever you put your mind to. This isn’t pie in the sky. I also had toxic family; paid my entire way through college and grad school at top schools. It was very very hard. But it’s possible.

Third: the higher your grades, the more options you have. Keep up your grades. Don’t blame your professor for a bad grade. Get extra help and study study study. While one bad grade won’t destroy you, you need to take control over your own actions. You need to be responsible for your choices, honest and responsible, or you may repeat the toxicity of your family. Find counseling from a therapist and work on this issue, your family history, but also taking control over your own choices. If you do not accept personal agency, then you will always be victim of your own bad decisions and we all make bad decisions. I say this because I think that you basically are attempting to do this already and it’s worthwhile for the outside world to note that this direction is the correct one.

Fourth: on a practical level, you need to first talk with your financial aid folks at your school. How are you going to pay to finish? 1) Can you really take out the level of loans that you think? There are limits without parental signatures. See if there’s a combo of work study, or some other way to just finish, and ideally with good grades.

  1. Is it possible for you to transfer to a 100%-need-meeting school? This is a delicate operation, but possible. While transfer students get different aid from schools than do transfer admits, you may be in luck at schools like Vassar or Amherst or Grinnell or Bates or any school that provides 100% of need. (Google for a list; look on this forum for lists; use collegedata.com to check levels of support). Even if it’s a 100% need-meeting school, your parents also have to agree to submit a FAFSA unless you are fully independent–no support from them for a certain period. Extricating yourself entirely from your parents is hard. You may need to take time off from school get a job and live cheaply for that period of time needed to declare yourself independent. Make sure that you file your own income tax (simple forms usually at your level, like a 1040-EZ) and don’t accept money from your parents. Make sure that you look up the rules for becoming an independent student and go on from there. You’d need to be savvy about finding a job or several and roommates to pay for your expenses etc. during that time. Once you become independent, and if you’ve taken time off from school, you can be considered a “nontraditional student.” Several schools welcome nontrads. Beware of money-making non-trad schools like Columbia GS and UPenn’s equvalent. Definitely apply but be aware that the FA isn’t necessarily great there. Be prepared to walk away if the debt load is too high. YOu may be one of the lucky ones that gets aid. Smaller LACs like Reed, that provides 100% of need, may offer you a better deal. Apply to 100% need meeting schools to finish your degree as an independent non-trad. You prob can find traction there and finish well with a top-notch school under your belt. Again: live cheaply, be diligent about grades coming first. When you apply and you discuss this part of your life, keep the info short and sweet and not whiny. Just be aware of the tone when you apply

Also, before you finish college, do not start a family or get married. Keep your expenses low and your eyes on the prize of getting that degree.

3

For federal/institutional financial aid you won’t be considered “independent” because you support yourself, if you are under 24.

So they are still going to require parent information.

It is going to be hard to afford college on your own. You will need to work just to afford your apartment and food.
You could maybe attend community college part time if it’s not expensive.

Your loans will become due when you don’t attend school for a semester or fall below 6 credits.

4

Re: all your loans will be due. If all of your loans are federal direct student loans, you will have a grace period before you must repay, and then you can choose income-based repayment. When you go back to school, your loans can be deferred again.

I think moving out is a great idea, but paying for your own apartment can add up. See if you can find roommates to share costs. It will make your funds go further. Your college may have an office to help students find roommates or off-campus housing. Check and see.

You are not automatically eligible to be considered an independent student, but you can talk to financial aid about your situation and see if they can assist using programs that require professional judgment. No guarantees, but it can’t hurt to ask.

The teen crisis text line is text “go” to 741741. If your sister has access to a cell phone, pass that on to her. She needs help, too.

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^Yes, I said “if you don’t attend for a semester”, for example if your last day you attended school full time was in December, the 6 months grace periid would end in June.

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@mommdc I think you’re right for most circumstances. There is an age limit, but there must be exceptions. Not all kids under age 24 have parents, for example. Or they do, but they’ve been in the foster system and so the parents are not viable. In one circumstance, when a student had a living father, the student needed to get the father to write a letter expressing that he refused to support the student and hadn’t done so for awhile. That student was working with the institution that had accepted her. The student needed to take a full year off, with the blessings of the institution, just to use that time to straighten out the FA.

I think that some institutions and some kids can come to understandings, but these are, if you will, artisanal and crafted circumstances.