<p>As always, Bakemaster makes a fantastic point. So in that case, Mr. or Ms. So-and-so (whoever wanted to be “chanced”- and no, I’m not pressing the “back” button to find your name), I’d say, with complete confidence, that you have a 96.4% chance of acceptance to Stanford. Unfortunately, I also happen to know, with all scientific certainty and beyond ANY possible shadow of a doubt, that a 9.4 earthquake, on the Richter scale, spurred throughout the entirety of the San Andreas fault, will cause the state of California, in its entirety, to break away from all connecting, life-giving North American earth and fall into the ocean at precisely 4:32 pm on May 16th, 2011. So, unfortunately, you will never in fact receive that acceptance, as Stanford University will cease to exist (and according to your location, I suggest you evacuate post-haste if you wish to avoid the same fate).</p>
<p>Or we could go this route—</p>
<p>Mr. or Ms. So-and-so,
Actually, while I am pleased to say that your academic record and extracurricular affairs certainly demonstrate exemplary work and a dynamic strength of character, I regret to inform you that the only transfer applicants to be offered admission to Stanford University for the fall of 2011 will be those who have demonstrated a clearly unparalled mastery of both the art of Japanese oragami and tandem fire-stick juggling (preferably exhibiting a bare minimum of novice-level skills in performing both arts simultaneously). The only possible exception to these transfer admission prerequisites would be granted to any applicant who has instead demonstrated exceptional accomplishments in unicycling, facial reconstructive surgery, and Chia Pet harvesting, from seed to fully matured plant, and again, only in the cases of profoundly talented applicants who are expressly capable of completing all three tasks, simultaneously, on command.
If you are, in fact, such an applicant, I suggest you make the committee aware by sending a Vhs tape recording (no other recording mediums will be accepted), via United States postal mail, of yourself performing said acts, accompanied by an affidavit signed and dated by three witnesses, in addition to yourself and the required notary public, swearing to the legitimacy of your taped performance. Prior to and following the completion of the aforementioned tasks on your personal recording, you must also include a full-body visual shot of yourself holding the current, local newspaper for your area, visibly displaying the date at the time of taping, in month/day/year format.
Oh, and an additional 3,000,000 dollars, in non-sequential, unmarked, American bills should also be included, contained in a non-descript, Hanes brand laundry bag in burnt sienna (if burnt sienna is unavailable, burnt umber may be considered an acceptable fabric color substitute), manufactured in 1987.
I can assure you with complete confidence that Stanford’s admissions committee is immeasurably eager to view this pending supplement to your existing application, however, if you are unable to provide such visual documentation of your unique abilities due to financial circumstances (inability to purchase any of the required materials, such as a video camera, daily newspaper, or face to reconstruct), you may submit to the committee a written appeal, requesting an on-site performance of the listed deeds, with all supporting materials to be provided by the university.</p>
<p>If, however, you do not possess the necessary, revised qualifications for Stanford’s fall 2011 transfer applicants, rest assured that Stanford and its affiliates will most definitely wish you well on your educational journey and will even encourage you to apply again in the future, but only upon completion of three separate graduate degrees and setting a new Guinness world record in consumption-of-uncooked-shell-pasta-in-a-single-sitting.</p>
<p>*These are, unfortunately, only marginally less reliable “chances” than any others we will receive (unless, perhaps, we stumble upon an actual adcom official, but even then, would we know it??), whether they be on this site or anywhere; schools with a single digit percentage admit rate are truly somewhat of a crap-shoot. I’m pretty sure someone else already mentioned on this thread that Stanford will undoubtedly have over a thousand fully-and even “over”-qualified applicants to choose from…who knows what they might do. Although there is evidence indicating that they like the “oddballs,” the students who are not only exceptional applicants and people in every way, but also have something particularly, incredibly unique and fantastical to bring to the table. So, with that in mind, I sincerely hope we all possess talents on-par with simultaneous oragami folding and tandem fire-stick juggling…</p>
<p>:D</p>
<p>In any case, thank you all in advance for allowing me to fully alleviate myself of all thoughts concerning finals, at least for a brief moment. Hehehehe</p>