<p>I do not think my biological children are particularly grateful.;)</p>
<p>I dont think I was particularly grateful at 16. I am now. Anyone who becomes a parent for the gratitude is making a mistake, imho.</p>
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I donât think there was anything in anyoneâs post to indicate that someone had become a parent for that reason. I happen to believe gratitude is one of the most important values one can possess. Perhaps thatâs just me, but it has always been part of my dealings and communications with my kids â and everyone else in my life. They are grateful people. Even the 13 year-old boy. Maybe other people have different values that they place a higher priority upon, but this is mine.</p>
<p>I dont think that who one is at 13 or even 16 is necessarily indicative of who one will be as an adult. But even if the kid is expected to be grateful, the kid should not be expected to refer to SM as mom.</p>
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<p>There is a faction that believes that if people have children, it is their obligation to provide for those children, and therefore no particular gratitude should be expected for the parentsâ provision of basic necessities (such as a home and sustenance). I happen to agree with this viewpoint, and so does one of my grown children (I have not discussed it with the other).</p>
<p>I would not expect gratitude from my children unless I did something out of the ordinary â beyond my normal responsibilities as a parent â for them.</p>
<p>I donât âexpectâ anything, but I hope that I have instilled a grateful heart and mind in all my children. They are very, very fortunate people. I believe they are grateful for that.</p>
<p>I made my daughterâs monthly tuition payment yesterday. She called to thank me after she got the email. I am glad she doesnât take things for granted.</p>
<p>Zooser, I didnt see what these kids did to be called less than grateful other than not calling SM mom â so should the kids call their SM mom?</p>
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They should call her what they are all comfortable with and I donât know whether they are more or less grateful than other kids. I was just saying that I happen to think kids should be grateful people.</p>
<p>I know several families who use the term âBonus Mom.â</p>
<p>I get the clear impression that the OP wasnât complaining about the steps not calling her mom, but just was trying to explain part of the dynamics of her relationship with the kids. I think she was just responding to things that had been brought up earlier in the thread, in a sort of chronological order.</p>
<p>This is getting crazy.</p>
<p>Yeah, she wasnât complaining, she was explaining, though, to be fair, in the two posts BEFORE she signed off the thread, she brought up the family dynamic issue and then got POâd when people responded. Cause and effect. </p>
<p>She wants advice and she doesnât mind a fight.</p>
<p>Sheâll be fine.</p>
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<p>Zoo----I too am please to have children that are appreciative and respectful of gratitude. A personâs moral compass is forged from the adults that surround them and gratitude is the nail that holds our family arrow. So that is the lens I view this from.</p>
<p>As someone with three children whoâs dad and step mom have also refused to pay one penny toward any of our childrenâs college educations, I canât tell you how much this saddens me for the kids. Thankfully since I provide the majority of their financial needs, and we have nothing in court and nothing as far as child support, etcâŠI donât NEED them, but make no mistake about it, my kids resent the HELL out of them for not stepping up and helping them realize their dreams. If you donât care how this makes them feel, I feel sorry for you. Itâs very, very selfish, and I am not going to even get into the favoritism issue. I plan to finance whatever I can toward my own future step kids education, because ITâS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. UghâŠthanks for hitting a nerve.</p>
<p>Lulusmom, you are misreading the thread. The OP IS paying toward her stepkidsâ education and planning to do the leg work. It is the biological parents who are either absent or unhelpful. And there was no favoritism. She said clearly that she wouldnât take loans for either her step or bio kids. I think you owe an apology.</p>
<p>Iâm sorry, Lulusmom, about your situation. In fairness to the OP, she is not refusing to pay one penny. She is refusing to allow her husband to take out huge amounts of debt. She has been thinking about how she can contribute several thousand dollars to her stepchildrensâ college needs.</p>
<p>Everybody wants to help their kids ârealize their dreams,â but sometimes those dreams are unrealistic and would result in financial disaster for the family if the parents indulged those dreams without a thought for financial prudence and security. This is true for all families and all kids. All parents sometimes have to say âNo, we canât afford itâ even if the kids "resent the hell " out of it.</p>
<p>I think in and amongst all the drama here, good advice has been given (run the #s, talk to the H and to the kids, seek out colleges with auto-merit, and state schools, tell the kids what you can afford and let them decide how to use it) and it sounds like the OP is taking that advice and moving forward.</p>
<p>I just wanted to weigh in on one thingâŠI HATED it when my stepmother referred to herself as my mom, or wanted me (or my little brother and sister) to call her âmomâ. I have a mom and Iâd never call another woman that. I always respected my stepfather for not trying to âbe my dadâ. He is my momâs husband and a good guy and I still enjoy his company and respect the unique place in my family that he occupies. I also love my dad.</p>
<p>I completely agree with you. It has nothing to do with you loving or not loving your stepkids. The best thing that a parent can do for a child is to plan for retirement, so that they are not a burden, and I applaud you for that. You said that you were willing to spend 5k, I assume per year for tuition? If the DH can kick in 5K per year, then is there not a local college or university that she could attend for 10k? Maybe she has to live at home and go to collegeâŠI did! If she nor her father dont want to look for scholarships, then I dont blame you. College is not a right, its a privelege! You nor your husband should not go into debt paying for college, now if she wants to take out private loans then let her. I would suggest getting a prepaid cc in her name as soon as she turns 18 so that she can build credit, then she can take out a loan in her name.</p>
<p>I stand corrected and apologize but in reading the OP, it did come off very selfish IMHO and there were others on here who also felt the same way so I imagine more than just my apology is necessary.</p>
<p>And in our situation, they CAN afford to contribute, they just choose not to and thatâs how it has always been since the divorce regarding anything. </p>
<p>I took this post way too personally given my own situation. My apologies, walking away from it now.</p>
<p>I havenât read through the entire thread, but I am a little startled by all the harsh judgements within the first few pages. Both of my parents are remarried, and I have never expected either step parent to pay for college. Until seeing this thread, I figured that was the standard. The financials are kept seperate. And yes, putting in my step parentâs financial info makes it virtually impossible to qualify for any financial aid.</p>
<p>One thing I donât get. If OP and her spouse separate their finances completely, why is it her concern whether or not he takes out loans for his kids for college? It wonât affect her retirement assets in any way, and therefore seems to be none of her business. You canât have separate finances and still claim the right to direct how the other spouse conducts his financial life. (I have to admit that this kind of arrangement isnât marriage in any way I understand it, but thatâs the path these two adults chose.)</p>