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Because her funds are all they have for retirement and having loans will minimize his ability to save for retirement. The husband here sounds like a real winner. I’ve been married for 26 years, our kids are ours together, but we have different financial styles so we keep certain things completely separate. If she is the only one planning for major expenses because hubby won’t do it, then there is no choice. If he won’t step up and she chose not to, where would any of them be?</p>
<p>@i<3art: Yep, “startled” is a pretty good word. OP was the only responsible adult among the three parents, and (most of) the moms here carved her up like a Thanksgiving turkey. One of them didn’t even read the thread before speculating whether she was “a POS”. It would be nice to see a few apologies (and good for Lulusmom2). In contrast, zoosermom was great throughout the thread - it would be nice to see more people here think a bit before attacking.</p>
<p>LOLOLOL </p>
<p>What is hysterically funny, above even MisterK actually handicapping the thread itself, is that the same women who responded negatively to her “I’m going to divorce him if he takes out any loans!” temper tantrum, are also the only ones who have offered help and advice and places to turn for information.</p>
<p>Lots of commenting on the comments, though. 
Which is always a fun passtime, so I thought I’d join on in.</p>
<p>^^ Exactly.</p>
<p>Man, some of you people are like piranhas.</p>
<p>actually, I offered constructive advice. I just happen to have a problem with the whole “when did you stop beating your child?” style of posting. She was attacked for things she never said and apologized for venting.</p>
<p>Yeah, well, some of us reacted to her tone and then settled right in to offer her some constructive advice.</p>
<p>So what? </p>
<p>You objected. Great. I didn’t. Great.</p>
<p>Some of you reacted to her tone. Totally fair.</p>
<p>Some accused her of things that were the complete opposite of what she actually posted. That’s not ok.</p>
<p>This may be one of the nastiest threads I’ve ever seen on CC, if only because so many of the attacks are based on falsehoods. Sad, really.</p>
<p>I agree that people shouldn’t have read into the original post things that weren’t there, but my initial reaction (in my head) was to be shocked at what was there. As luck would have it, I didn’t come across this thread until rather late. But, really, the OP’s tone in the original post was such that it should not have been surprising that people reacted strongly, often negatively. People’s reactions to her original post apparently made the OP reconsider some of what she said at the start (she admitted to having vented a bit). In turn, learning more about the OP’s situation made some people reconsider their own knee-jerk reactions and inspired them (and others) to come forward with useful information. JMO, but I’ve certainly seen people get (and stay) nastier on other threads.</p>
<p>people shouldn’t have read into the original post things that weren’t there, but my initial reaction (in my head) was to be shocked at what was there</p>
<p>==========</p>
<p>I think that’s what got the thread going as it did. I was one of the first to post after the OP and I was stunned by what I read. The OP sounded like a money-control-freak who intended to treat her SD children quite differently that the children from the marriage - which is a horrible position to put the H. If the H loves all 4 of his kids, he won’t want to have a situation where the second 2 can go wherever they want, while the first two will have few choices.</p>
<p>The bottom line is that no one has to marry someone with children. And no one has to decide to have MORE children with a person who hasn’t shown himself to be that financially stable. The handwriting was on the was with this H…no savings, debt, etc…and yet she married him (with kids) and proceeded to have more kids with him. (And I don’t “buy” the story that he only had debt because of the divorce. Only someone who was a crappy saver during 10 years of marriage would have debt because of divorce…the situation was obvious.) Yet, she proceeded to marry him despite his financial past. You make your bed…you lie in it. And, then to futher hamstring him by threatening divorce if he borrows to help his older two thru college…ugh. </p>
<p>I don’t know how old the two little ones are, but it sounds like they are quite young. If so, suspend payments to their funds and concentrate on the first two, but it doesn’t sound like that’s an option. </p>
<p>As for how “grateful” the SDs are…well, few teens are savvy enough to be “grateful” for what the adults in their lives do for them. That’s why teens will think nothing of having parents act as personal chauffeurs and money bags. They don’t have the discernment to fully understand that they should be grateful…that comes much, much later (like when THEY have kids…lol).</p>
<p>The OP needs to focus now on merit opportunities for the stepkids. That’s really all that can be done at this point.</p>
<p>I also disagree with the fact they consider step parent income in the equation even though our situation is what it is. Especially if the steps have kids of their own. It should remain between the custodial/bio parents and their bio kids. But that’s apparently not how the government views things and in many cases that makes college impossible due to the financials.
As an example, my future husband is a doctor. But other than entertainment and his portion of our mortgage and what we spend together on food, he isn’t “financially” responsible for my kids, yet if they were to count his income on a Fafsa, even though he has his own kids, alimony and child support, my kids would likely get no financial aid beyond loans, and we couldn’t afford outright to send them all.
No doubt, thats a complication of blended families that no one foresees.
To the OP, I am sorry for my initial response, I just thought of my own situation and projected onto you.</p>
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<p>Too true, MisterK. But then again, hers is the ONLY perspective we are privy to. Surprising that she seems to be the “only” responsible one in the group? No, not at all.</p>
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<p>Since OP and her H are the custodial parents, their income/assets will be used for the FAFSA. You cannot just “fill out the FAFSA forms living mom.” </p>
<p>At schools that offer institutional aid, they may require either the non-custodial profile or their own non-custodial institutional forms to get a gauge on mom’s income and assets. OP’s income will be assessed to the extent that her husband is benefiting the marriage and not carrying the financial load alone.</p>
<p>Since there is a documentation by a 3rd party, keep track of all of your paperwork and consider working toward gettina a non-custodial waiver from schools that require non custodial information. While on the one hand, you may feel that she is “getting away” with not paying for her kid’s education, however, it may be the best route if the parent is not “involved” with the children. Because if schools take her income and assets into your SD financial aid, and she refuses to pay, the school is not going to give more aid.</p>
<p>As others have stated run your numbers through the financial aid calculator (use both the federal and the institutional methodology formulas). The federal methodology will at least give you a baseline as to how much colleges are expecting you and your husband to pay toward your SD’s college education.</p>
<p>Don’t be afraid to contact financial aid offices to get an “early read” based on your financial situation. Use a bottoms up approach and make sure that you first and foremost nail a financial safety. This may mean saying to your SD; look this is what we are working with I can kick in 5k freshman year, you will take out a 5500 stafford loan, your dad will kick in $X, which will cover the cost to attend Y College/university.</p>
<p>Cast a wide net to make sure that she has a list of schools that are affordable options for your family. This can/should include schools where she is a viable candidate for merit money. If she can have a few schools under her belt where she could be guaranteed merit money along with rolling admissions, that would be great.</p>
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I call H’s parents “Mom” and “Dad”. Is that unusual? Of course, my own parents have been deceased for decades (and before I ever met H).</p>
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<p>My Dad always called his in-laws Mom and Dad. Neither my DH nor I do that; in fact, I don’t know anyone my own age who does.</p>
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I was wondering about this too. It seems like she is saying because H didn’t pay towards their college in the past that now he can only pay whatever he might muster in the next ~8 years (until 14yo) is done. I can see not wanting him to take out $500K in loans for Harvard, but is the prohibition against ANY loans?</p>
<p>I’m also wondering, if they both make the same amount of money and he doesn’t save any of his, what he is doing with that part over and above his half of their expenses (i.e. she saves hers).</p>
<p>Quote:
I call H’s parents “Mom” and “Dad”. Is that unusual?</p>
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<p>My Dad always called his in-laws Mom and Dad. Neither my DH nor I do that; in fact, I don’t know anyone my own age who does.</p>
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<p>All of my siblings’ spouses (including my H) called my parents “mom and dad”. My parents were those kind of people…even neighbor kids called them “mom and dad”. They parented everyone. Both parents passed within the last 18 months and the sibling spouses cried as much as we did.</p>
<p>^^^^^^^That’s pretty cool.</p>
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<p>I was wondering that too. Are theses older children stuck with the only money they will get for college expenses the $5K a year their step mom saved for them out of her money. That seems very sad.</p>
<p>The OP says she puts money away for their biokids, but he doesn’t. So it sounds like those kids’ college will only be funded by her. Maybe he can be shamed into stepping up and funding his older kids at least that amount too…</p>
<p>I don’t blame you at all for holding firm to your original financial agreements with your husband and keeping yourself safe with your smart savings. I really don’t understand why people are so set on the idea that a college education is completely the parental responsibility. Kids need to take some of the responsibility. if those kids don’t care enough to look into some scholarships or to at least be partially responsible when at school by working part time, then they won’t appreciate all that it is costing.</p>
<p>If you have always agreed to stay away from debt the borrowing for college is a bad idea. Unfortunately your husband should be more on top of things concerning trying to get them whatever money is available such as merit stuff and scholarships. If he is not being responsible about that then you need to step up. The research that you do now will help you later when your little ones are getting ready for university.</p>
<p>You have financial boundaries and that is a good thing. If school is in the step-kids future then everyone needs to be on the same page. Find a school close to home, not a private one, so the kids can stay at home and do what else you can to keep costs down. Your own kids need to responsible for part of their education as well, so they will be just as appreciative.</p>
<p>One thought - if dad isn’t fully in the loop with college planning like many are not he may not fully grasp the situation. Even parents who are fully engaged and trying hard to figure out costs and FA expectations around EFC, merit, selectivity ranges, what testing to do, how to position kid have a hard time and don’t have all the answers. Dad may be less unwilling and more clueless. I could have missed it in the middle someplace, but my impression was that dad hadn’t taken action but hadn’t necessarily refused to take action or participate in planning and funding.</p>