Yes @publisher I went and searched to find it was not W&L. In my mind It sounded like that school although I’ve never been to either. I could never get my kids to consider a school south of the Mason Dixon line.
This school sounds like boarding school and having a senior at one right now, I can easily say she would not want BS round two.
My kids both attend(ed) grad school in the south…at small schools. Neither had the option of transferring because these were grad programs. You just don’t transfer out of those! Both have friends from the areas, and embraced the cultural differences between the locations of their schools and where they grew up (one of my kids went to undergrad in CA…believe me…that had a different culture too).
The difference I can see is…both of our kids went to schools in the south that were actually located IN the cities, not a car drive away. This gave them many options of things to do and see outside of their school campuses.
And I totally understand where this student is coming from. I still have friends from my college freshman year during the Stone Age. But the school was 90% Greek, and Very isolated. I had no way to understand what that really meant until I got there. How would any high school student understand the impact of living on a college campus where life revolves around the Panhellenic Council?
I think this student is doing the smart thing and it sounds like the parents are supportive. He is looking at options for next year so that he will have them should he decide he wants to use them! Smart kid.
My D did not find the school to be like what is described in post #39. She did find some aspects of the school to be just ”different“ from what she wanted from college. (Young people don’t always know what will work for them until they experience college.) I have no issues with students transferring if the decision is carefully considered. May is still a long way off, and OP’s S has lots of time to come to a decision that is best for him.
If I were his parent, I’d stress that he really needs to focus on academics if he wants to transfer. I’ve known a few kids who were unhappy and let that unhappiness affect their grades…which, of course, made it harder to transfer.
Re: Post #42 above: Yet, this poster’s daughter transferred after one year at this school.
The poster referred to above wrote this about the school in question prior to her daughter transferring out to another school:
“There is a very strong conservative Christian presence. Most students do seem to go to church on Sundays.”
" [The school] is southern. There is a Bible belt conservatism present. [The school] is homogeneous."
Very little drinking. Strict police enforcement with respect to underage drinking. Local police walk through off campus frat parties checking for underage drinking.
My point is that this is a school with a very strong campus culture; either you fit in or you don’t. Time is unlikely to change that.
Has a very good retention rate because most know what to expect when matriculating here. (Students who matriculate at BYU or at Liberty University, foe example, understand much about the campus culture before enrolling.)
Class attendance is monitored.
Very curious as to what the school, (had guessed W and L, also), but regardless, I agree with go through the transfer application process and then make a decision. It’s not worth being uncomfortable with a school environment for four years unless the student really, really wants to stick it out. Sometimes transfer is the best thing. My D transfered many years ago from a more typically fratty school, to one that much better fit her personality. It was a good choice for her, but she thought it through carefully and I counseled to only jump if you really can’t imagine staying where you are. Also, as mentioned above, she kept her grades high so transfer to where she decided to go was possible. She got a few acceptances but didn’t make a decision until the very end of spring semester. Knowing she had options was important.
Just to elaborate - S has a car so he can come and go as he pleases. He’s not stuck on campus. Also, his grades are good. He knows he needs to keep them up, whether he stays or not.
@Publisher It’s clear you don’t like the college. We get it. But there are a lot of good things about it to like as well like the amount of support he’s received from the staff. You don’t get that everywhere. I went to a large university, and no one cared if you were there or not or whether you were happy or not. They are a bit extreme about the drinking and attendance, but that probably goes back to their Baptist roots when they were religiously affiliated. The academics are good, the professors are engaged with the students, and there are many more clubs and organizations to join than at other colleges that I’ve seen. It’s not perfect, but what college is?
@thumper1 I tried to warn him about too much Greek life on campus, but he didn’t get it until he saw it in action, same as you.
Actually I do like the school. I even PM’d you about that. It is your son who doesn’t like the school.
This goes back to my initial impression: Most important is that the school should be a fit for your son, not so much for the parents, in my opinion.
Megan, you don’t seem to want advice or perspective. Which I get- you are fans of the college, thought it was a great fit, but your son doesn’t seem to be clicking with the place. I totally understand your frustration.
But if you don’t want outsider perspective on what’s going on- why post???
There are dozens of colleges where there’s tons of support, faculty really cares about the students, with great academics and zillions of clubs and organizations to join. None of this is unique. So what’s the downside of your son exploring somewhere else?
In my experience, there are a couple of situations where transferring needs to be off the table even if the kid is unhappy. 1- Kid got a fantastic financial aid package, and none of the other packages even came close. So transferring would impose a huge financial hardship on the family. In that case- kid needs to figure out a strategy for making it work. 2- Kid has a serious, chronic illness and needs to be close to his/her medical team, and the current college is the only one where this could work. In that case- kid- you have your entire adulthood to live anywhere you want. But right now, while you are transitioning from childhood to adulthood, you need to be close to your doctors and care team. So make it work. 3- Parent has a serious illness, and kid has family responsibilities (to an elderly grandparent, to younger siblings, etc.) Kid going further from home would impose a severe hardship-- mom’s chemo is on Fridays so college kid can pick up younger kids from school, manage the household until Sunday night when mom can take over again. In that case (and I’ve seen a few situations like this) the college kid might be miserable but nobody in the family is likely going to know about it- college kid is mature enough to keep things together for the sake of the family.
Anything else? Kid doesn’t like the frat scene? There are hundreds of colleges where the frats are minimal, or at least all off campus so you don’t have to deal with them. Kid doesn’t like the religious overtones? There are hundreds of secular colleges. College too small? hundreds which are much bigger. Etc.
So unless you would face extreme financial hardship if your son transferred- why the insistence that he needs to love this place which he’s not loving? He STILL needs to make an effort to make connections and friends- but what’s the harm in transferring? And maybe he needs less support now than you think he does???
Sometimes our kids are right. Sometimes both parents & kids are right, but the student knows what is better for them.
Sometimes it is hard to listen to what we don’t want to hear. Sometimes kids don’t share all of their concerns and feelings because they do not want to disappoint their parents.
I am going through this with one of my own. Same work but more prestige and more than double his current pay. He doesn’t want to work in biglaw. His former mentor took my advice & is now earning a very substantial income at that biglaw firm.
Even though I know that I am right, my kid knows that what is right for him at this time in his life is something different–even though it is the same work & same city & same building but at half the pay.
It is his life. I can present options. And listen. And make recommendations or offer advice. But it is his life & his decision.
Why is this a negative? My daughter’s drinking and attendance weren’t monitored by the school but by her coach. I used to say a little Thank You prayer to the coach and the NCAA every day! I was thrilled that she wasn’t out at a party every night and that her coach called her out if she missed a class (she didn’t miss classes, but once there was a mix up and the coach thought she did).
Shouldn’t the cops be monitoring underage drinking? the kids might not like it but it is the law.
I think the question you, OP needs to explore is would your son be happier somewhere else? Would he make friends and ignore the Greeks and actually attend the club meetings for the clubs he joins? He has to put the effort into making a school work for him. Is a 2500 student school in CT that much different than one in Georgia? What do the students enjoy doing when not in class? How would he like that more?
If there is no difference in the cost to you, and he can find another school he likes more, why not have him look into a transfer? I wouldn’t do the work, I’d have my child do the research, but I don’t know why I’d care if my D found a school she liked more.
I had a friend my freshman year who transferred from an excellent but small liberal arts college to Harvard. After a year at Harvard she realized she hadn’t really appreciated the LAC and they were happy to take her back. I don’t believe it hurt her in the long run. A bit like doing a junior year abroad.
I, personally, would be extremely unhappy in a frat heavy school especially in the South, where the frats and sororities seem to be on steroids. Great if you like them, not so much if you don’t.
The social scene at a school predominantly Greek is very hard to navigate if you are not part of that system. And some students just are not interested in being part of the Greek system. There is absolutely no way this can be explained to a HS student. I think it’s one of those things you experience first hand and you either love it…or not.
If this student has other activities to be involved with, and a peer group with similar not Greek interests, fine. But that doesn’t sound like the case.
My Stone Age story…most of my very very good friends pledged as second semester freshman. I didn’t. My roommate wasn’t even asked…and she was heartbroken. I knew I was transferring and asked if I could give my invite to her. Of course, the answer was no. That sealed the transfer deal for me. Her was someone who actually wanted to be part of the Greek system, and was excluded.
The roommate stayed at the school and graduated. She never really had a circle of friends. All upperclass housing was Greek (each group had a dorm) but were required to allocate a certain number of rooms for those who were not in sororities. I just can’t imagine living like that.
I transferred to a medium sized public university in my home state…and never looked back (except to visit my friends from the school every so often).
It was a great college… but it wasn’t for me. Just like this college might not end up being for this young man.
Remember…this student is going to college…not you parents. He has to live there, and be happy there. It’s great that the parents like this school, but if the kid is not happy there…they need to be very supportive of him transferring. Not wishy washy supportive (we love your current school…).
Okay - I give up. At no point did I EVER say that I wasn’t supportive of him transferring, just that we really like the school he’s at. He’s already looking into other options and plans on applying in the spring. I’m not insisting he stays. The decision is up to him.
@twoinanddone The down side is that it makes it feel like high school because it’s too restrictive. They’re constantly calling dorm meetings because someone broke the rules. These kids are in college. It’s ok to monitor them, but this school goes a little overboard.
@blossom I did ask for advice, but I didn’t ask for a bashing of the school (at least that’s how it felt to me from some of the posts). It’s a good school. But if S is not happy, of course we’ll let him transfer.
I have no idea what school this is (you didn’t say and I wouldn’t invade your privacy by doing a Google search to try and figure it out). So I’m hardly bashing the school- I have no idea what it is I’d be bashing!
I’m glad you’re going to support your son as he figures out whether he wants to stay or go.
But from the few things you DID post- none of these things seem particularly unique. And if you DIDN’T find these things when you were looking at colleges last time, perhaps giving your son some time to figure it out is the right move.
There were lots of things I didn’t like about the places where my kids ended up-- lots. But they owned the decision, which sure helps on those days when a kid is having a bad week, it’s been raining or snowing “forever”, a bad breakup, a C in a midterm, or whatnot. And they ended up loving most of it (not all of it- that’s just not realistic).
good luck to your son!
If he doesn’t like it he should transfer. I don’t think another school will be better but if he does, if he chooses another, then it might seem better to him.
I think you realize that he’ll be giving up some benefits of this school that you liked and that you helped him choose. There are always good and bad things about transferring, but you don’t want him unhappy for 3 years.
It did seem to me from the way a few posts were phrased, that mom did a lot (all?) of the initial research on identifying and shortlisting schools, and the son chose from that list; I agree that it should be the son now doing the research to figure out potential transfer schools.
Decision made - S is transferring at the end of the semester due to recent serious negative events at the school.
Megan- big hug. I hope your son is OK.