<p>I have lurked and posted on this forum for a long time using an account my son made for himself a long time ago. I am running into a problem and decided to set up my own account so that my son won't be able to trace it back to me.</p>
<p>My son is a highly motivated student who has his heart set on attending a particular top ten university. His best friend has nearly identical interests. Nearly the same honors, test scores, etc. In their class of 350 they are ranked 2 (friend) and 3 (son). The friend has two brothers who have both attended the school that these kids plan to apply to next year. The problem is the friend's mother. She insists that her son do every single EC that is available and expects my son to follow suit. My son has three major EC's that are science related along with two very involved volunteer activities. Every new EC that comes up friend's mother tries to "encourage /guilt" my son into doing. It is much easier for her if they do these together so there is less resistance.</p>
<p>I know part of the issue is that she knows that the kids must stand out in order to be noticed by the admissions. Also, she feels that her son, although both brothers attended and graduated, will have a harder time with acceptance due to the fact that he is Asian. </p>
<p>How do I explain that son will not do EVERY EC available only the things he is interested in? I don't want son to be a resume padder (as discussed on another post). This has been going on for a couple of years but this year seems to be over the top w/ concern about ECs.</p>
<p>Any advice on how to handle this in a nice way?</p>
<p>Can’t you just support your son in doing whatever he wants with ECs? Just tell him to pursue his interests: That he shouldn’t feel obligated to follow his friend.</p>
<p>Helping your S grow a spine is what’s needed. I don’t think you should approach the mother, but should help your son learn not to do things he’s not interested in doing. It’s vital that everyone learn not to succumb to pressure to do things they aren’t interested in doing.</p>
<p>First, the kids should be deciding which ECs they want to do, not the parents. Is she going to your son directly to ask him to do this with her son? If so, he needs to tell her that it is not something that interests him or that he would rather devote his time to things in which he is already involved - very simple. If she comes to you, you can just say that it is up to your son to decide what interests him.</p>
<p>Just tell the friend’s mom that your S does whatever ECs he happens to be interested in and you’re happy to support him in that. Tell her it’s not ‘your’ decision, it’s your son’s. If she pushes further just ignore her because it’s really none of her business in the first place.</p>
<p>Also - somehow Asians manage to be accepted to the top 10 in considerable numbers.</p>
<p>Northstarmom - yes, my son knows that I completely support him. I also encourage him to do the things that interest him. One problem is that he feels like she is the expert since two of her children have attended this school already. Son does decline to participate in some activities and then she gets me at the academic challenge matches and tells me he really should be doing A,B and C. </p>
<p>I think we just really want a way to handle this without being rude or having her take offense.</p>
<p>Sounds to me that she is having a hard time with her son, so she is relying on yours to provide the motivation to do things that neither kid really wants to do. That’s her problem, not your son’s and not yours.
Thank her politely and tell her that your son is doing just fine, that you are letting him be his own person and become a self-reliant, independent individual and that this will stand him in good stead in college. If that does not shut her up, tell her to MYOB.</p>
<p>I know a great story about a couple who decided they were going to go together to college. At the end of the day the girl decided to attend another university because she finally realized her boyfriend was dragging her down. She was happy about her decision. Now I know your son is not in a love relationship with the other kid, but in general I think individuality is pivotal in a person’s development. Your son must realize that he has to become a person other than his friend. Just my opinion. You need to talk to him and ask him what his own ambitions are.</p>
<p>It is certainly not rude for your son to tell her that he appreciates her advice, but that he is happy with what he is doing and doesn’t feel that taking on “XYZ” is best right now.</p>
<p>"Son does decline to participate in some activities and then she gets me at the academic challenge matches and tells me he really should be doing A,B and C. "</p>
<p>All you need to do is say, “Thanks for your advice, but I let my son make decisions about his extracurricular activities.” If she persists, then she is the one being rude, and you have every right to pointedly tell her to mind her own business. Sometimes you have to be blunt with people for them to get the point.</p>
<p>There’s nothing wrong with telling other parent and your son (two, separate, conversations) about what the “boundaries” are. </p>
<p>So, to son, one says “It’s fine if she suggests an activity and gives you information. It is NOT ok for her or anyone else to pressure you into a choice on how you spend your time. I get to do that. Your Dad does too. But no one else on the planet gets to. If you are feeling pressured, say ‘wow, you could really be a general!’ in a cheerful voice and tune her out.”</p>
<p>To other parent you say “I’m delighted that you care about my kid – and I want to ask your advice. I am uncomfortable with the suggestions from so many parents to have the kids embrace so many EC’s. I understand that admissions officers are now looking for students who are “deep” in their EC’s. The style has changed, I hear, and they really aren’t impressed with many EC’s done “lightly”. What do you think?” </p>
<p>Listen to her response. Then say “OK. I see your point. Man, it just makes me crazy when parents keep hammering on my kid to do things. What should I do when that happens?” You are communicating your values and your boundaries without slamming her directly. Hopefully she’ll dial back a bit.</p>
<p>I don’t see why you can’t just simply tell her that your son will participate in activities that interest him and that he has time to do. She isn’t his mother anyway; you are. Besides, I’m pretty sure that universities will notice a difference between the student who is really intensely focused on and devoted to one or two EC’s for several years and the student who just does everything to try to make themselves look good. I think colleges are look for the former student, and not the latter.</p>
<p>There’s no guarantee either kid will get into said top school regardless of Activity X, Y or Z. Lots of top-notch applicants, not that many spaces. Colleges are picking for a diverse, interesting class, anyway – they are not going to want two clones from the same school. Better that your kid pursue his own interests, and let the chips fall where they may.</p>
<p>I find it odd that you consider either you or your son answerable to someone else’s mother.</p>
<p>Is she a particularly controlling person? Are you particularly susceptible to being controlled by others?</p>
<p>(Just curious, just asking)</p>
<p>My children’s e.c.'s had absolutely nothing to do with whichever friend of self or them approved or didn’t approve – wanted more or wanted less. It would strain any friendship of mine if that friend were trying to coerce me or my daughters to do something we felt uncomfortable about.</p>
<p>It sounds as if my opinion is not shared so far.</p>
<p>Who is feeling uncomfortable, you or your son?</p>
<p>If your son is feeling backed into a corner, tell him you will back him up if he wants to put the blame on you when talking to the friend & mom. (That is, “my mom wants me to spend more time at home and won’t let me take on any more EC’s”). When my kids were growing up I quite often overheard them telling their friends, “my mom won’t let me do that” – when they hadn’t asked me and they knew i would probably allow whatever it was. It was just easier for them to say that when they were invited to some event or activity they didn’t want to attend. </p>
<p>Also, I actually did have a “rule” for my daughter when she was younger about the number of evenings per week that she could have for EC’s – as she was really overscheduled and there was a lot of pressure from dance studio owners to sign up for more classes. They would tell me that at her level she was required to take 4 or 5 classes per week, and I’d just say – “gee, I’m sorry, but I won’t allow her to take that many” or “Friday night is out of the question” – and that was it. Somehow they always found a way to make an exception for her. </p>
<p>If YOU are the one who is on the spot, then of course it will only make things worse if your son puts the “blame” on you – in that case you really do need to just learn how to politely divert or end the conversation. The simplest thing to do is to repeat your version of “no” in the same words every time and refuse to discuss it - eventually she will give up trying to argue with you, if she’s not able to get a discussion going.</p>
<p>I’d point out that there is no way that either one of the kids will “stand out” if they both have the SAME EC’s – and you might want to mention that to the other mom.</p>
<p>How about just thanking her for thinking of yoru son when she looks at these activities for her son, and if your son in interested he’ll let them know.</p>
<p>Thanks for all of your suggestions. The mother of this child is very nice and really wants the two to go off to college together. Although there is no guarantee they would both get in. My son has always been one of the social kids. So he has always had lots of friends and lots of kids around. Son’s friend basically had no friends until middle school when he met son and clicked with his group of friends. As far as the school my son choose this school years ago because we make several trips there every year and he has fallen in love with it. Although he does have several great backups and a couple of safeties where he could be happy. Friend’s parents have all there eggs in one basket because two older children went there. Friend has no desire to have a science major and therefore gravitates towards ECs that aren’t science related. But friends mother insists on science and everything else. </p>
<p>This mother is a very nice person. She really means the best and wants both kids to end up at the same school. But this college EC stuff is going to far. Not only is she “encouraging” son to do certain activities she is also making her son do the activities that my son is doing. Another issue is that her older sons interview for this school and see all of the EC’s from the other applicants.</p>
<p>Also, my son has no problem in saying absolutely not if there is something he doesn’t want to do but he will question maybe he should if Mrs. X suggest it. FWIW we are in the south and from my personality especially it is very hard to be rude or forceful. I’m naturally a peace maker. Although, I will be blunt if I have to be I prefer not.</p>
<p>I think I will take the approach that son is not doing A, B and C because he has no interest. End of the discussion. And also as Calmom states we don’t want the two to look like clones. Honestly, at this point they are extremely similar. SAT’s within 10 points, GPA within .01 with identical IB course load. The only exceptions are son has attended camps and has two volunteer positions that require a lot of time. Also, one is Asian and the other is not.</p>
<p>Again, thanks for your comments. We will be at a team meeting today. I’ll let you know how it goes.</p>
<p>Epiphany and marite, I share the same opinion. This mother’s “opinions” on what my kid’s ECs are or should be would count for exactly zero. I wouldn’t indulge her one bit. My response would be to let her suggestions fall flat on the floor and walk away. Nosy Nellie.</p>