Sticky Situation w/ another parent

Parents Forum
21

<p>This mother is a very nice person. She really means the best and wants both kids to end up at the same school. But this college EC stuff is going to far. Not only is she “encouraging” son to do certain activities she is also making her son do the activities that my son is doing. Another issue is that her older sons interview for this school and see all of the EC’s from the other applicants."</p>

<p>Her pushing her son isn’t your problem at all and it’s none of your concern. What does being southern have to do with it? What, you’re supposed to be a doormat? Plenty of southern women know the fine art of telling people off pleasantly.</p>

22

<p>They sure do. My Mom was from the south. A quick word and a look did it every time. If you read some of the Dear Abby or Miss Mannaers columns they always have a way to make the other person squirm and understand that they were over the line.</p>

23

<p>

</p>

<p>The same way you “explain” to other parents that you painted your living room red or that you’re vacationing in Florida this year. That is … you don’t. You don’t owe anyone explanations. This is the point you haven’t seemed to internalize. It doesn’t MATTER if this woman’s goal is to get her kid into Harvard or Local Comm College. It doesn’t MATTER if she has two kids already there or none. It doesn’t MATTER if the kids are “identical” in their EC’s or not. (And why do you know other kids’ grades again?) It’s not her concern.</p>

24

<p>My d always told me, “If College X won’t take me because I didn’t take Class Y, do activity 27, or go to Specific Summer Program, then it’s not the right school for me anyway.”</p>

<p>Perhaps that can be your mantra to friend’s mom: “Well, he doesn’t want to do it or to reduce the time commitment to his other activities. If that hurts his chances at Favorite School, then maybe Favorite School shouldn’t really be the favorite. Besides, if they do everything together & look the same, why should Favorite School take both of them?” Polite and to the point.</p>

25

<p>IMO, the problem with that approach, Chedva, is that it still implies that the son’s choice of activities need to be justified to the other mother. And it still implies that the son somehow needs to craft his EC’s in consideration of both the sons wanting to apply to School X.</p>

<p>Here’s the thing. It really doesn’t matter if the OP’s son’s EC’s are exactly the same as this other kid, or completely different. It is the OP’s son’s choice to do what he wants to do, and let the chips fall where they may. </p>

<p>He is not obligated to do the same EC’s so that the other kid has a buddy, nor is he obligated to do <em>different</em> EC’s so that the college will consider them differently and (presumably) admit both.</p>

<p>The problem with saying what’s said above is that what happens if / when OP’s kid genuinely does want to do some activity that the other kid is doing? Does the OP now have to re-justify it again if the other mother fears “now our kids will look the same to the adcoms”?</p>

26

<p>“This mother is a very nice person. She really means the best and wants both kids to end up at the same school.”</p>

<p>She sounds creepy and controlling. I’d avoid her. The idea of some mom trying to get her kid to go off to college with my son so my kid could make sure that her son had a social life would repulse me. She needs to focus on helping her son get the social skills he needs, and she needs to stop meddling in your and your son’s life. I don’t see anything nice about her at all. Just because a person smiles and acts friendly doesn’t mean they are nice.</p>

27

<p>Again, there’s nothing to indicate that the mom has your son’s best interests at heart. It’s all about her son (as is natural). But as your son’s mother, it’s your job to look after your son’s interests, not hers.
It’s not necessarily a good idea for them to go to the same college (and the admissions results may not lead to this, anyway). It’s not a good idea for them to do the same ECs, no matter where their individual inclinations lie. You remind your son that he should do the ECs he cares about; if the other kid wants to emulate him, fine. But your son is not responsible for the other kid and he is not answerable to the kid’s mom, however nice she may be. She sounds to me like the stereotypical steel magnolia. We see the steel, but you seem to be flummoxed by the magnolia.</p>

28

<p>Sorry, I think this is little strange and over the top, and you need to actively do or say something.</p>

<p>I would ask this woman if you could have a serious talk, and ask her to stop suggesting activities to either you or your son.</p>

<p>When I first saw this thread, I expected competition for admission to this school. This woman’s son had less of a chance if your son does the same things, right? I mean, often colleges don’t take two similar kids from the same school.</p>

<p>I have experienced some inappropriate behavior on the part of a mom whose teen is shy. She often wants our daughter to do things in a certain arts activity, so that hers will. Some of this we let go, but I did have to say something quite explicit (well, you know, I’m from the Northeast!) and we are still friends.</p>

<p>I think that sometimes this desperate behavior is a red flag for some serious problems going on between parent and child, or with the child himself, and counseling can help.</p>

<p>Maybe you could suggest that if her son is having trouble with motivation, he could see a therapist. (oops, again, I am not from the South!)</p>

<p>Otherwise, maybe say that doing everything together will reduce the chances of admission for one of them…Not that much chance of both going to the school together anyway.</p>

29

<p>I think there are bigger issues ahead. Let’s say they get in at the same school. I’m sure she’ll want the kids to room together. Is that what you want? If you don’t nip this in the bud now, it’ll only get worse.</p>

<p>You should clarify with your ds that he doesn’t have to do what this mom or her ds want and that you’ll support him. And tell the mom that.</p>

30

<p>I agree that this is probably all about that mom succeeding in getting her own son to do the activities she wants him to do. Who knows, she might be saying to him “Onefortheroad’s S is doing it and wants you to do it also.” I’ve met people like this before; they want my kid to help theirs to be motivated, to sign up for something and then to feel comfortable when there. She may be very nice, but this is not about your son as much as it is about hers. Tell her your son wants to limit his EC’s so he can spend more time hanging out with friends.</p>

31

<p>Just do your best to avoid her, even cutting conversations extremely short. She is not your friend. She is just using you and your son.</p>

32

<p>I don’t know…I think there can be a more benign interpretation to this scenario. The other mother knows that this college is your son’s dream college. She may honestly think she is helping him. Despite the fact that her son is Asian, he stands a really good chance of getting in, since he has excellent rank and already has two siblings at the school. She (and her son) may genuinely like your son and want him to achieve his goal. Her opinion is that he needs more ECs (and she may feel guilty about her son appearing to get ahead by having more).</p>

<p>But whether her intentions are benign or not, the response is the same: your son needs to make his own decisions and do what’s best for him. However, it’s really important that, if at all possible, your son broaden his horizons and not have only one “dream” school. After all, he may not get in.</p>

33

<p>I am in agreement with the posters who think that even though this other mom might be very nice, what she’s doing is creepy. Also, encouraging her son (and your son) to do every single EC under the sun is kind of counterproductive, given that everything we’ve heard, read, and been told of late suggests that colleges aren’t looking for kids who do a little bit of everything, but rather like applicants with a couple of deep interests to which they’re very committed.</p>

<p>Given that you seem to really like this woman and value the relationship, what if you took the initiative and took her aside and said something on the order of: </p>

<p>“Look, Jane, I know it’s none of my business (HINT HINT HINT), but we really care about your son, Billy, and I’m very concerned that what you’re doing with him and EC’s is going to hurt his chances of getting into Dream College. I know you’re trying your best to help him and my son get into Dream College, but my understanding is that even though colleges wanted very well rounded students who did a little bit of everything 10 or 20 years ago, now they want kids who do just a couple of things that they really care about more intensely. With my kid, that’s science, but Billy seems to just love ABC, and you know he’s going to get great recommendations related to his ABC. Also I’m concerned that if we encourage the two boys to do all the same things, they will look exactly the same on paper, and it’s less likely that Dream College will want both of them. We’re encouraging our son to just focus on a couple of EC’s that he cares most about, and I wanted to ask you to please not encouage him to spread himself thin with many more activities. He respects you so much, he wants to follow your well-meaning suggestions, but I’m afraid it will hurt his chances at admissions.”</p>

<p>I share the concerns of some of the other posters about what would happen if your son and “Billy” did end up in college together, given that you know that “Jane” is going to try to engineer it so that they room together for all four years, join the same fraternity, have the same major, attend the same church, and get surgically joined at the hip. But talking to Jane about backing off in the pushing kids into activities in which they have no interest solely for the sake of college department is doing a good deed on behalf of Billy, who must be half crazed with all the pressure at this point.</p>

<p>Also, it seems very likely that Billy’s two brothers won’t be working in admissions at Dream College the year their brother is applying. Many colleges recognize the possible conflicts and issues that could arise when family members volunteer to interview, etc. when a relative is going through the admissions process and have them take a break.</p>

34

<p>I would not talk to the other mother in any depth. I agree with the people who propose that you simply say that your son will pursue his own interests and will not go out of his way to double up with her son. Repeat as often as needed without getting annoyed.</p>

35

<p>It is easier said than done to avoid some people. </p>

<p>The mother of one of son’s very good high-school friends was the oh-so-friendly persistent, nosey, “helpful,” opinionated type. Her son was great and we loved everything about him (except his mother). </p>

<p>Because the 2 boys were involved many of the same activities, I found myself on committees and bleachers with her. We also had several friends in common. Avoiding was not an option. I eventually learned the art of obfuscation and side stepping, but I never got very good at it.</p>

36

<p>The skill of being able to give a non-committal “uh huh” and then go your own way is an important skill to develop. It may not be easy to avoid some people, bit there are ways to let their “helpful” comments fall to the floor and project that you’re just not all that interested in doing what they want you to do. </p>

<p>In my family we call it the “yea doll” because my gmother (RIP) was notorious for just saying “yea doll” to any suggestions and then going and doing what she wanted to do anyway.</p>

37

<p>Mafool, it is easy to shut nosy people down. You just raise your eyebrows in amused disbelief that they’d ask what they just asked, and say nothing.</p>

38

<p>There’s no reason to be rude or confrontational. I would keep things friendly – after all, the boys are friends. You don’t need to have a heart-to-heart talk or a deep discussion about the matter. Just thank her when she gives advice, and then ignore it.</p>

39

<p>The op can make up reasons then walk away.
Or the op can sincerely tell the other parent that having too many ECs will do more harm than good.</p>

<p>The other parent could be totally sincere and naive. Many parents are misinformed about college admission. Or she could be cooking something. She might want rank 2 and rank 3 kids work together to dethrone rank 1 kid. It’s hard to speculate. Only the op can sense.</p>

40

<p>This thread is emblematic of the worst of CC.</p>