Still Lonely

College Life
1

I go to a public college, but it feels like a smaller school as most people live off campus. I’m four hours away, don’t have a car and so I only go home on breaks. I’m halfway through the second semester of my freshman year–fifty days until I can go home for summer, yes I’m literally counting down the days–and I still feel as though this is my first week here.

Every time I have to leave home and go back to school, I end up breaking down because I just want to be at home and not here.

My grades are pretty stellar and I’m confident in my choice of major. I get enough sleep, workout a couple days a week, and generally eat pretty healthy. But there is one area in which I am profoundly lacking.

My social life.

In high school I guess I’m what you would classify as a loner, and I was okay with that. I had a couple good friends and I just chalked it up to the fact that high school and high schoolers are just horrible in general. I was convinced that once I got to college I would somehow become this social butterfly from this previously shy and introverted person that I was.

Surprise, surprise, the only things that have changed were the people and the school. I am still the same. I’ve thought a lot about this, and I definitely never realized how much a security blanket my home and family were for me.

And once those were gone, I guess I didn’t really know what to do with myself, or who I really was.

Alone, I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s incredibly hard for me to make friends because I put up these walls around myself and am afraid of people getting too close–especially a potential significant other. Yet, at the same time, I have no confidence to go up to someone and befriend them. As a result, I undoubtedly come across as cold and closed off to people.

However, when I do manage to have a friendship begin to blossom, I somehow manage to go and wreck it, by being a flake or by ignoring the person because I’m too scared to say hi. I’m always afraid they actually don’t like me or think I’m annoying. As a result, I’ve ruined several potential friendships already. I’ve also drove several potential relationships into the ground as well.

I do have several friends, one of them being my roommate who is an absolute sweetheart. But, she goes home most weekends–she’s introverted, similar to me–and I’m left to sit alone in my room the entire weekend. I hate to leave to even get food. It makes me anxious.

I know the typical advice is to just smile at people and go out and join clubs. I’ve tried to join clubs, but haven’t found any that were a good fit for me. And it’s so hard for me to even look people in the eye because I get so nervous. I suspect this has something to do with me not wanting to have to show vulnerability. You can imagine I don’t show much emotion. I’m very stoic and stone-faced in public.

I feel as though I’m just going to end up waiting until my sophomore year to start over and hopefully by some miracle come out of my shell.

I don’t really know what I’m asking in this post, I think it was just something I had to get off my chest.

But bottom line is, I’m used to feeling lonely, I’m introverted, and I like my alone time. But, that doesn’t mean I want to be as isolated as I am right now. But, I’m too shy to try and go out to make friendships, things I know are two way streets. I can’t seem to hold up my part of any relationship.

Any advice or similar experiences are appreciated.

Peace.

2

It sounds like a difficult situation, I’m sorry you’re having trouble and you’re definitely not alone. These problems are more common than you might think.

If the school has counseling services (which are often free to students!) it might be a good way to go and get some professional tips on how to deal with social anxiety. They can help you not be so nervous about messing things up and also help you find approaches to make friendships that are more comfortable for you.

I wouldn’t chalk this year up as a loss and plan on starting next year. If nothing else, this year could still be good practice trying to reach out more, practice smiling more, etc.

3

Your situation sounds very familiar to my child’s who hasn’t connected to many people either. One or two people who are more like acquaintances than friends. They study together and sometimes eat together. I have recommended the clubs and sports teams, but he feels like it’s so late in the year that its not worth the effort at this point. He said if you didn’t do it in first three or four weeks of school, groups are formed. He regrets not pledging a frat, but really did not want to go that route because his grades were too important for him. Three weeks ago he said he wanted to transfer to a local school and filled out the app…well, something must’ve happened because now he says he’s going to stay where he is. My point is…HANG IN THERE…you never know what each day will bring. Just make sure that you are coming across as approachable…smile, say hi to everyone, don’t sit in your room, study in the library or outside…make yourself available and create opportunities. When I was young I was painfully shy and very much an introvert. I went through high school with 3 good friends (you only need one ;). After high school I went to work at a major corporation. My boss loved me, but in one of my reviews told me that I was “aloof.” People were mistaking me for being snobbish and unapproachable, or thinking I was better than them…when in reality it all had to do with my incredible shyness. My boss recognized that and was the first person to share this with me. I had no idea I was perceived that way or that I was giving off that impression. Try challenging yourself by playing a game…Today I will try to talk to two people, and then look for opportunities to create a conversation. If you reach your goal reward yourself too!! Best of luck and never give up…there are many many people walking around feeling just like you…wouldn’t it be great if you can find one or two of them!! xo

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Yes, hang in there! D is just beginning to feel like she has a circle to hang with. I posted over the holidays that she was worried about having no friends and was self-isolating. A new semester, new classes, different students…this provides another opportunity.