Hello All, especially parents.
We have not made our final decision and we are literally 24 hours away from the deadline. DD preferred one school and I preferred the other. How heavily should I weigh cost - If it’s a 5k delta? I have tried to tell her my concerns and why I prefer the other and she is still adamant in her views.
I know we cant go wrong either way and she will do well no matter what.
Any suggestions ?
Unless that 5K is a deal breaker, you have to remember who is the one who actually has to attend the school. If she is resentful of you forcing the decision, it could ruin the experience for her, or she might get over it in a month, who knows.
If you truly can’t go wrong either way, why are you fighting her on it?
If the $5k difference is a deal breaker (it would put significant hardship on your family or force you to incur debt that would limit educational choices in the future), I would be honest with my kid that is the reason why they need to attend the less expensive school.
Otherwise, I would select the school my kid was confident would be a fit for them. It really is going to be their home for 4 years, they should get to select where they feel most comfortable. Otherwise when things get bumpy (which happens in all high school experiences) it could be damaging to your relationship. It sounds like your child is confident enough to stand up for what they want- I would honor that.
Is 5k the difference between tuitions of both schools or is FA involved? If it’s the latter did you try to negotiate? Other than the cost is there anything else you feel strongly about either or both schools?
The 5k wouldn’t hurt me. I guess I like the community feel of one school. And as a parent you want your kid to be around a lot of nice kids.
What does your daughter love about the other school?
Let your daughter choose.
I may be a lone voice here in suggesting that as a parent you do get to have some say in this. I also realize that your daughter will be the one attending the school and that you don’t want to set up and initial dynamic where she is unhappy to be there, but there are things you know about the world that she does not.
As the clock is ticking, is it possible for all of you to sit down and have a very open discussion - not a debate, not an attempt to persuade the other - in which you really listen to each other? I mean really listen. Rather than refuting each other, start each “volley” with “what i hear you saying is…” You all need to be open to accepting each other’s point of view.
One of the challenges with this decision is that for the student, the present weighs heavily on the scale, and there is a tendency to pick the place where you feel the most comfortable now. Parents tend to be more concerned with how the environment and experience will shape who the student becomes, so is more future oriented. Concerns about “nice” definitely fall into this category.
Your daughter may surprise you by hearing you on your concerns. And vice versa.
The money does complicate it because while it is not a driver, $20,000 is a chunk of change to most of the world. I would certainly not want my child to be living in such a bubble of privilege that he didn’t recognize that. I have known families that offered the difference, or a part of it, to their child. Some did this as an overt bribe, while others did it because it felt equitable. Or they did nothing. But at some level, it is unfair to let the financial part of this dominate if it’s just coming to the table now.
Wishing you luck…
I agree. It’s ok and expected for parents to give input and guidance about such a huge decision. I had to give myself some reality checks even looking through the acceptance packages and on revisit. (“Ok are you responding to impressive branding or a true reflection of the atmosphere of the school”).
I honestly can’t imagine making the decision at 13/14/15.
I love some of the advice I’ve read on CC. Picture actually living there. Boring days and snowy days and stressful days included. Find a place that has room to grow. I also found it VERY helpful to look at Glassdoor.com as suggested here. Absolutely revealing to see how staff and faculty sees these schools.
I would let your daughter decide. She will forever second guess your selection.
What @gardenstategal said makes sense. I would want to have a say as parents are a major stakeholder in this process. What is your daughter’s strongest argument? And you as parent must have a gut feeling about exactly why she wants to choose the other school. Of course, as you said there’s no wrong choice here, if there’s no real concerns here, why not just let her choose?
I would be concern that if the parents weigh-in that the child might feel a sense that they must go with their parents opinion. I would be quiet. Obviously both schools are acceptable that is why you applied. In similar situations in my family, I do not weigh in. I may lay out what some of the things they should think about. But I would not provide my feedback about those things.
Your kid has to succeed at the school she goes to. All things being equal, it should her choice. You’ve taken the five grand difference off the table, so that’s that. Plus if I remember the case, it’s fretting over which of the six colors of silver is perfect on a new Aston Martin. They’re all good.
“Obviously both schools are acceptable that is why you applied.”
When we went through this year’s ago, DS applied to schools that were preferable to LPS. So in that sense, yes, acceptable. But with acceptances in hand, they were not equal.
DS was attracted to the lesser one (in my eyes) because the demographic was very similar to his middle school, and it was familiar and comfortable. He also knew a few kids there.
The better school was bigger, more diverse, and generally very different from his middle school. And he knew nobody there. So sort of overwhelming! He didn’t dig in, and we talked about it a lot. He did choose this one in the end and absolutely loved it. He said that this empowered him, when choosing a college, to know he could be a little uncomfortable but be in the right place.
FWIW, I’m a big endorser of FA families deciding beforehand that the best FA award is the winner–and by best I would say within a grand a year if it was between similar schools. It just makes things so much easier if you are cursed with a panoply of acceptances, but everybody should do how they please, of course. (20 large is indeed significant and could buy many Honda Accords suitable for taking to college.)
We did not ask for financial aid but if we did then I would have known the exact top $ amount that I could pay. I would make sure my child knew that amount so that if multiple acceptances come in, everyone is aware of the situation and that the decision is made for you and no revisits are necessary.
In our case, we are requiring 5% of the tuition to be earned by our child every year while maintaining his grades.
@laenen Curious - are you thinking your child will earn the 5% during the school year or summer?