It has been many years since I posted here. My older child was not successful in attempts at boarding school admissions, but now next child is thinking about it. I know a woman whose son attended a top tier school and claims that all of them are filled with lots of stressed out kids who feel they aren’t smart enough and are working themselves to death because of competition. He describes kids who are depressed and need psychological help because they are so unhappy. And he claims it is the majority. I know the academics will be hard but can anyone talk about the reality of these 2 schools? I’m not just looking for the cheerleaders of these schools to shoot me down here. I can find all the good reviews. I am hoping to hear about a different side to these 2 places. Thanks.
You’re better off if you are a high achiever kid who has a lot of interests and thrive in such an environment where Harkness is the teaching method. For the most part, these are students who if stressed put a lot of pressure on themselves. I think the communities though are also very supportive. Admissions is looking for kids who want to test their mettle and who have a lot to contribute to the community. You’ll find kids who are depressed and who need psychological help anywhere. These schools don’t necessarily have a monopoly on these. Good Luck in the process. It can be disappointing, if not given the opportunity, but in my house we subscribe to the addage, “Bloom where you’re planted.” Smart kids who want to participate in their communities will do well wherever they are.
Agree with @preppedparent
My daughter went to one and her best friend went to the other. It is true that they both became incredibly stressed out…so much so that I don’t think I’ll have my son apply. However, they are both at great colleges, and they now seem well adjusted. My daughter doesn’t remember the experience the same way I do and wants her younger brother to experience Phillips. I’m really not sure mental health assistance is optimal…a suicide just happened a few days ago and I’m curious to see if anything will change on campus.
My daughter went to one of the other top schools and became incredibly stressed and prone to anxiety attacks. However, I’m not sure whether that was her environment or something that would have occurred where ever she went to school. There were signs when she was in middle school and her stress really is something that she puts on herself.
Regardless, the counseling at the school (while available) was sub-optimal. Rather than teach her coping skills, they told her that if she couldn’t handle the environment she should leave. Since she didn’t want to leave, this only made her feel more stressed.
So, IMHO, while the environment can certainly be stressful, kid’s reactions will differ. Some will find that the environment spurs them to do great things while others will be overwhelmed by it. My son is at a similar school but, while busy, is not stressed and is doing his best work ever.
You’ll definitely find plenty of stressed out kids at a lot of the boarding schools. I sincerely think it has less to do with the environment and more to do with the type of kids that are attracted to the school and of family pressure to achieve. There are a lot more Type A kids and families, which makes sense given the achievements kids have to get in to begin with.
The top schools are filled with hyper competitive kids or they have hyper competitive parents. Then the kids who are perhaps less so are caught up in the pressure cooker. I think a school with a better balance might be the target: Deerfield, Mercersburg, Tabor come to mind.
That wasn’t my child’s experience. @grotonhopeful sent you a PM.
Yes, kids are stressed out, but not all of them. But so are the kids at the good public high schools. The kids who aren’t stressed are the goof-offs who don’t care about learning or whether they go to college. They’ve got the life. Let’s just see how it works out for them afterwards.
Wait so kids who aren’t complete stress cases won’t get into college??? Who knew? I wonder how they got into PA/PEA then? They must have all bought there way in I guess. And I mean they totally don’t care about learning. They are just there for the snacks. (Insert eye roll here!)
But in all seriousness, there is a lot of stress at these schools, but some kids are not constantly on the ledge. Some also don’t have aspirations of an ivy or that anything other than an ivy will be a disappointment to their parents. The difference is a lot of these high acheiving kids would be stressed out even at public school. Now you are putting them all together plus the bar is raised. The stress is real, but it isn’t the same for every kid. Plus some kids have better coping skills than others and/or have outlets to channel their stress. Think about your kid, how they respond to stress, and what their goals are. Also, how well they do with freedom. These schools aren’t tucking you in at lights out or taking your phones away to study. It’s all on the kid.
@momof3swimmers well said!
There’s little down time at boarding school. Kids at home - assuming your average reasonably supportive family - can go home at night and relax. They can get a parental hug when they need one. They can be nasty to a parent and remain loved. I think much of the extra stress at boarding school - any boarding school - comes from having to be “on” all the time. The self-imposed academic stress for competitive high-achieving students would probably be similar at most challenging high schools, public or private, day or away.
Although, it’s only been 4 weeks at Exeter, I honestly don’t think that there is a “ton of stress”, yeah writing essays and narratives can be a hassle, but for the past few weeks, I have been able to get my HW done by 11 PM, and get 8 hours of sleep. This is including clubs, hanging out with friends, and doing sports.
But @Bunny8280 you have to remember that you are also a freshman during the first month and a half of school, so your workload will start to steadily increase. If you are a junior in the spring taking adavancaded classes, it’s going to be a lot harder than that. I have a friend who graduated from Exeter last year and she said it was normal to be up wayyyy later than that.
Bunny’s a sophomore (“lower” in PEA-speak).
Yes, the workload gets harder as time goes on, but as a 2015 graduate of one of these schools, it’s my experience that if one is consistently up “wayyyy later than” 11, there’s a time management issue, not a workload issue. YMMV.
Agreed. The stress is not, IME, induced by the schools. It’s self-induced or in some cases, brought on by the parents. As also said, some students thrive in that type of situation, while others wither.
Some kids take far longer to master material than other kids. So it can be time management but also academic capabilities.
@Bunny8280 is a new sophomore (lower) at Exeter, so kudos as it sounds like he/she is managing time well.
Well in my humble opinions, sometime even you manage time efficiently, can master materials quickly, time commitment to other ECs and very challenging course load can bring workload to a extent that some nights you have to sleep late. I told my kids reportedly to tone it down, but kids do not want to listen and told me mind my own business. Kids thrive and willingly take these assignments. This is not due to competition among peers but competition against themselves. Sometime when kids just want to challenge themselves in multiple front. After all how much influence parents have in reality when parents are far away and only talk few minutes a week or monthly basis to the students.
I think, @grotonhopeful , you are asking a good question if you’re thinking of BS. The reality is that the kids at most of these schools --not just these two, and not even just the ones that are part of an acronym – are very high achieving. Even the schools that are referred to as “second tier” get to be selective from a pool of kids who believe they are up to the challenge, so even at these, your child is likely to have some pretty impressive classmates…
Most BS kids have been the cream that floated to the top in middle school, and many have a tough time when they are no longer exceptional. If your child is one who take pride not simply in being challenged and doing well but in doing better than others, you should take heed of that. Kids who excel at something outside the classroom often have that as a place to hang their self-esteem hats. Some kids may get involved in social dynamics that make them feel better, and these can, from time to time, make others feel worse. And as noted, retreating from it as you’d do at home isn’t really a strategy. Some of the kids I know who have had mental health challenges are ones who were doing well academically yet stressing from the perceived need to be excelling socially as well.
While I have personally known quite a few kids who have had serious mental health challenges in this environment, I think that the majority thrive. The AOs don’t always get it right, but most of the time they do. One of the reasons for approaching the application process genuinely, rather than trying to craft yourself into the persona you think a school would like, is that it allows the match-making to happen more productively. It doesn’t feel like it when you’re at this end of the application process, but they really want the students at their school to succeed.
So yes, some of these schools can be pressure cookers for some students. Some of it comes from the students themselves, some from their peers, some from the academic expectations or having coveted academic honors or prizes. I recall having a discussion with DS when we were starting this process and asking him if he though he’d prefer to be one of the smarter kids at a certain type of school or in the middle of the pack at a more competitive school. Or the best player on his town team or second string on an elite travel team. It was helpful for me to see where his head was.
I was going to respond, but I think @gardenstategal said what much of what I would have said, except better than I would have managed.