strict, controlling, overprotective immigrant parents

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>I'm out of college now, and live a happy life, but I'm posting to this forum b/c I get bouts of depression about my upbringing and the control I was under even during college years.</p>

<p>My parents came from India. My dad was very controlling, antisocial, and physically and verbally abusive to my mom, sister, and me while growing up. I was supposed to grow up just like I was in India. I was hardly allowed to go out at night, had to be home early, not allowed to talk to boys, not allowed to go to any dances (even prom), not allowed to go to my HS grad party <em>at school</em>.</p>

<p>Even though I got to go out of state for college, the control continued. Since he wasn't there to watch, I finally had some freedom and went out at night, went to concerts, etc. However, everything I did was behind my father's back. I wasn't even supposed to be out late (meaning like past 9 PM), and not even allowed to go out of town with friends, since my dad thought that even college kids were not old enough to be driving on highways or out of town. When we went out of town, I was not allowed to take the wheel. My dad was a total weirdo freak. </p>

<p>I was not allowed to study abroad (not for financial reasons, but for reasons of overprotectiveness). I was not allowed to go anywhere but home for school break. I never went on spring break or vacations with my friends. What I've desribed is just the half of it.</p>

<p>I dared not stand up to him b/c of fear of him taking it out on my mom & sister. I just hid everything from him and never told my friends about my horrible home life. When I went home, I wasn't allowed to do anything on new year's eve, not allowed to go out of town, had to be in by 9 pm, and spent half the time in my room since my dad wasn't speaking to any of us and it was just too awkward in our tiny house being around him.</p>

<p>Due to my very restricted upbringing in a small town, and my HS 'friends' ridiculing me b/c of it, college is where I formed my first meaningful friendships. However, I never told anybody about how horrible my father was, or about the control or restrictions, and that <em>all</em> the fun I was having, just normal college stuff, was behind his back. I now wonder, if I had told everyone all this, that I was not really allowed to do anything, that I lived like a child when I went home on school break, that my dad was a total antisocial freak, would those friends still have liked me? Would they have continued to be friends with me, or just thought that I was too much of a freako reject, like I think of myself? I feel like I deceived all these nice people, my first real friends, into being friends with me, and I get really upset about it now, years later.</p>

<p>I also get upset b/c I feel like I'm the only person in the world who has been through this. On the off chance that anyone else has been through this, I'd like to hear your story.</p>

<p>As current college students, what do you think? Would you still be friends with someone who was under severe restrictions and lived a pathetic home life, but who was able to party and hang with you behind her parents' backs at school? I'd like some honest feedback. Thanks.</p>

2

<p>While my mother's never been THAT bad, she was rather overprotective and overbearing my freshman year of college. She called me 4-6 times a day (one day, as much as FIFTEEN times), wanted to know who I was with, when I was with them, and what we were doing, basically at all times. So, I lied. "Oh yeah mom I'm going back to the dorm" when really I was going to a party to drink and have fun. My friends were very supportive about it. Most people, once they get to college age, are old enough to realize when someone's just being a parent and when the parent is being overly protective. Eventually I just had to stand up to my mom and tell her straight out: "There's no reason I need to talk to you more than once a day. I am an adult and I can make my own decisions now; I will call you if I need you. Otherwise, stay out of my business." and she got pouty and upset about it for a few days but then after she got over it, she was fine. And we have a pretty good normal relationship now. </p>

<p>Honestly, I think you should just move on. I understand that it was traumatic, but you're out of college, and your family and your dad has no control over you anymore. Relax, and quit thinking about it so much. It doesn't affect you anymore, or at least, it doesn't have to if you don't let it.</p>

3

<p>You're a grown ass adult. You can do whatever you want.</p>

4

<p>A good friend of mine is going through the same situation, as a high school senior. You're not alone, just do what you want to do, don't let your father control your life, especially at this point in your career.</p>

5

<p>My best friend has immigrant Indian parents and they are EXACTLY the same. They won't let her go out, they belittle her intelligence because she's a girl, pitch a fit if she gets anything less than A's, and constantly distrust her friends (us) because they think we smoke and drink and have sex or whatever. Where the hell they got this idea, I have no idea. We're practically the only ones in the school who DON'T do this kind of stuff.</p>

<p>She used to get hit when she was younger by her dad. her mom worked two jobs and supported the entire family while her stupid father went to school but she still didn't have any say. She didn't have a birthdayparty until she was fourteen and her dad consatantly gets mad at her for staying at my house (I live literally down the block from her) and yells. I don't know exactly WHAT is going to happen once she goes to college (in-state) but I'm hoping it will be different from your experience. We're her friends and we try to do things for her like pay for her meal if we go out together (they don't give her any money ever) or sneak away somewhere.</p>

<p>That being said, he really is a bastard, He's recently taken to listening in on our phone conversations, the creep. I swear, one day I'll choke him with his own sari.</p>

<p>I guess it's a little different because we're seniors and not quite in college yet, but you're definitely not alone. Can you support yourself financially? If you have a job and all that then I'd say get the hell out of there. You have friends so stick with them. There is no reason you should be living in this sort of an environment. Don't worry about your mom and sister because once you're independant, you can see about getting help for them. </p>

<p>Orrrrr, you can run him over with a car. That's always a plan.</p>