strict, controlling, overprotective immigrant parents

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>I'm out of college now, and live a happy life, but I'm posting to this forum b/c I get bouts of depression about my upbringing and the control I was under even during college years.</p>

<p>My parents came from India. My dad was very controlling, antisocial, and physically and verbally abusive to my mom, sister, and me while growing up. I was supposed to grow up just like I was in India. I was hardly allowed to go out at night, had to be home early, not allowed to talk to boys, not allowed to go to any dances (even prom), not allowed to go to my HS grad party <em>at school</em>.</p>

<p>Even though I got to go out of state for college, the control continued. Since he wasn't there to watch, I finally had some freedom and went out at night, went to concerts, etc. However, everything I did was behind my father's back. I wasn't even supposed to be out late (meaning like past 9 PM), and not even allowed to go out of town with friends, since my dad thought that even college kids were not old enough to be driving on highways or out of town. When we went out of town, I was not allowed to take the wheel. My dad was a total weirdo freak. </p>

<p>I was not allowed to study abroad (not for financial reasons, but for reasons of overprotectiveness). I was not allowed to go anywhere but home for school break. I never went on spring break or vacations with my friends. What I've desribed is just the half of it.</p>

<p>I dared not stand up to him b/c of fear of him taking it out on my mom & sister. I just hid everything from him and never told my friends about my horrible home life. When I went home, I wasn't allowed to do anything on new year's eve, not allowed to go out of town, had to be in by 9 pm, and spent half the time in my room since my dad wasn't speaking to any of us and it was just too awkward in our tiny house being around him.</p>

<p>Due to my very restricted upbringing in a small town, and my HS 'friends' ridiculing me b/c of it, college is where I formed my first meaningful friendships. However, I never told anybody about how horrible my father was, or about the control or restrictions, and that <em>all</em> the fun I was having, just normal college stuff, was behind his back. I now wonder, if I had told everyone all this, that I was not really allowed to do anything, that I lived like a child when I went home on school break, that my dad was a total antisocial freak, would those friends still have liked me? Would they have continued to be friends with me, or just thought that I was too much of a freako reject, like I think of myself? I feel like I deceived all these nice people, my first real friends, into being friends with me, and I get really upset about it now, years later.</p>

<p>As current college students, what do you think? Would you still be friends with someone who was under severe restrictions and lived a pathetic home life, but who was able to party and hang with you behind her parents' backs at school? I'd like some honest feedback. Thanks.</p>

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<p>Of course I would still be friends with such a person; what their parents do is not the person's fault. All that matters is whether the person (in this case, you) is fun to be around and friendly or not.</p>

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<p>wow, at least you got to go out of state. hear my story. i wasn't even allowed to go out of state. one year, i wanted to go study abroad sooo bad. i contacted the teachers, and they interviewed me and saw how interested i was and agreed to let me go. everything was getting settled and i was so close to going. but i think my parents had to sign papers for one reason or whatnot, and they refused to let me go! omg! and the money would've come from my own pocket! my god! i would've had such a fun time. and what's worse, they constantly lectured and scared me into actually wanting to stay at home and hardly wanting to go out. they tell me how scary the world is, and how people use you, and how fake people are, that i'm scared to even be friendly with people. i just feel sorry for both of us. once i get a job and graduate, i'm gonna move as far as i can. just this weekend, they got angry at me and yelled at me until i would finish helping them do whatever they wanted me to do. and what's worse, they didn't even yell at me directly. they just cursed at how bad their children are, and how we won't help them do anything. i missed out on a birthday party (i would've been too scared to attend anyway), and i don't have enough time to do hw (caz i'm busy complaining about them). but back to your problem, i have a friend who have parents like that too. the parents annoy me. we went out late one night, and she dragged me back to her house to explain to her dad what we did, who we met, where we were, etc. my god! and he was questioning me like he was my own father. geez louise! i have to admit, i was a little reluctant to hang out with her again. i don't want to have to explain to her dad again. but as long as you don't do that, it's fine. i feel like a freak b/c of my parents too. = =</p>

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<p>I would totally help people like you sneak out at night. My parents are much more liberal. They're more like, "Don't burn down the house, I'm working late tonight, kay bye"</p>

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<p>indian parents, generally, alternate between two polar beliefs:</p>

<p>1) overprotectiveness</p>

<p>2) they want you to do well/get rich, etc</p>

<p>see if you can show your dad that his overprotectiveness is adversely affecting your chances of getting a decent internship, etc. it's limiting your ability to do well in school. stuff like that. </p>

<p>have you tried having a discussion about it? i'm not sure how receptive they would be of that, however.</p>

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<p>If you make your own money, and have a job and live in your own place and what not, there's not a thing they can do to control any part of your life. I'd say give your dad the finger and move on.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
indian parents, generally, alternate between two polar beliefs:</p>

<p>1) overprotectiveness</p>

<p>2) they want you to do well/get rich, etc

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Those are not polar beliefs dude. In the case of 90% of South Asian parents, they are quite congruous.</p>

<p>My parents, though Indian, are refreshingly liberal. My mom isn't bothered by my occasional drinking and would probably be amused if I told her I was sexually active.</p>

<p>I feel for the OP however.</p>

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<p>And yes, not only would I be friends with that person, but also would help cover for them.</p>

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<p>The other week when I was home, my mom actually handed me a wine glass when we had some people over for dinner. I was like "What's this?" She was like "Have a drink." I had some red wine mixed with sparkling apple cider. It was pretty good :)</p>

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<p>This also happens to some American girls. Controlling parents like this are everywhere. You are not the only one who had to pretend about their home lives growing up.<br>
And have you ever thought that some of your college friends were hiding stuff, too, and putting on a happy face when they actually had lots of problems they weren't sharing? I assure you that was the case at least sometimes. Acting, faking it, is pretty common everywhere.</p>

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<p>


</p>

<p>Same here.</p>

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<p>Your parents need to grow up.</p>

<p>Your parents are attempting to relive a fantasy of what India was like sixty years ago. The world has changed. India has changed a great deal too. Expecting you to live a repressed existence ( that even Indian teenagers do not live ) is unrealistic. </p>

<p>India has night clubs, raves and parties. In India, it is common for young women to drive and travel overseas to study. An Indian relative of mine has sent his daughter to Chicago to study. Sending children to study in UK, Canada, Australia and the US is common among middle class Indians.</p>

<p>BTW, I understand that midnight is considered an acceptable curfew for teenagers in Indian cities like Bombay and Delhi.
Young adults ( up to 21 ) would normally be allowed to stay out till 2AM. After 21, there are generally no limits apart from those that courtesy and consideration dictate.</p>

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<p>^bearpooh is right. India has changed a GREAT deal, and was different even in my mom's day. My mother, b/c she is from a family from a city vs. rural village, was exposed to more liberal views. She is very liberal when it comes to personal freedoms. My dad, being from a rural village, is a lot stricter. Still, they are both generally liberal when it comes to personal freedoms so it works well. My cousins in India party, etc. too. It just depends on the type of person your father is. Unfortunately, you got stuck with (no offense) someone who is very restrictive. But to answer your (OP's) original question, yes, I would still be friends with you. Even though I'm a male, I know how parents (Indian parents, more specifically) can be.</p>

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<p>I wouldn't base a friendship off of their parents. I'd totally be your friend.</p>

<p>Now that your out of college, are you still living at home? Have things got better?</p>

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<p>fatchic:</p>

<p>I wonder why you're putting so much of the blame on your parents. In any case, if you're over 18+ and out of your parents home, you should be able to work, study and have your own life/money. </p>

<p>If you're dependent on your parent's $, then you should relax and be thankful that someone is taking care of you.</p>

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<p>
[QUOTE]
If you're dependent on your parent's $, then you should relax and be thankful that someone is taking care of you.

[/QUOTE]
</p>

<p>Are you feeling alright? They verbally abuse her and are controlling and manipulative. Really now, this is the same sort of crap I hear from people "You're rich, you can't POSSIBLY be depressed." Money isn't even half of happiness and I doubt anyone who is getting abused is 'happy that they have someone to care for them'. </p>

<p>Psh.</p>

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<p>If you believe that good parenting is as simple as giving your kids money and a place to stay, then I sure feel sorry for whoever ends up being your kids.</p>

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<p>Yeah I know what you feel. I really don't want a pity party but its like - what can you do? Nothing. Because your technically an "Immigrant" even though you feel wholeheartedly American.</p>

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<p>I feel your pain. My parents are asian, and they still have no life! Even though I'm in college, they chase me everywhere. My dad is a software engineer, and whenever I visit home, he checks on my laptop. He is my facebook friend.
One time at Target, we were having an argument over deciding my major, and he got really ****ed off that I didn't want to do pre-med/engineering/law. So he took me into the bathroom and started to slap and beat me.
I don't have a strict curfew like you do, though. My dad is pretty lenient on hanging out late and stuff.</p>

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<p>OP, I totally agree with you. Although my experience was not nearly as bad...my parents are loving and supportive, but when I was in high school they were terrifyingly overprotective. My parents wanted to know the parents of the people whose houses I went to and even then I should be home by 9-ish (needless to say, I did not spend time at others' houses often). However, I believe my parents saw the error in their ways and are much more loose with my youngest sister. They let her give and receive rides to friends (I never dreamed of giving a ride and telling my parents), go to friends' houses, and just hang out with friends in general. Now that I am in college, they are also better with me...I can tell I am got home at 11:30pm (which can be translated to 1 am...hehe) and all they just make sure I was with friends walking home that late!
As far as the whole growing up in India thing (I should clarify that I am Indian), I read an article a couple of years ago about how Indian parents in the U.S. are stricter than Indian parents in India because they believe they should raise their kids how they (the parents) were raised in India in the 1960/70/80s. This made me see my parents' point of view. Another huge thing with Indian parents' is that they feel that Americans have a looser moral structure which definitely makes them overprotective of their kids.
OP...I would never not be friends with you. Are people not friends with those with alcoholic parents? Same correlation! No...people are friends with you because they enjoy spending time with you.
I know this is a fairly old thread, so I hope the OP receives our support! Talk to most Indian kids and they experienced the whole "overprotectiveness" thing too! Just youtube something about Indian parents and you'll get a whole bunch of laughs!</p>