My mother told me that she went a little crazy after high school because her mother (my grandmother), had stricter rules than most families had back then. So, the question at issue is:
Does rebellion occur no matter what? Or should they have more control when they go off to college?
IMO, I do believe that there’s a connection with overly strict parenting and how it affects people in college. Despite other people’s opinions, going to college sounds like a dream come true for most people. However, everyone’s reaction is different:
One person may struggle with the independence and freedom to the point of it becoming a bigger problem to deal with.
Others may feel slightly affected, but not to the point of flunking out or being on probation.
It’s the classic, first year adjustment period, but it becomes a problem with you struggle to recover from your past issues at college.
Some kids are prepared to go and handle all of the freedom and distractions. Others are not. My experience is that the “sheltered” kids would generally “go nuts.” Those with more experience didn’t get distracted as much. Eventually, it all evened out for most. IMO it’s better if the kid is exposed to the real world before they go.
I have seen kids who had strict parents who always set the limits…the kid didn’t have any experience doing that on their own. Then there was an overcrowding situation, they were put in an on campus fraternity to live freshman year, there was a motorcycle, and accident, and broken legs and dropped out of our school.
I don’t think is is just the strict parents, I think a lot of it has to do with opportunities in high school. I have seen countless kids that were “straight as an arrow” in high school not because of strict parents but because of sports, jobs, etc. there was no time to be wild. Once the sports ended they had a chance to try the things all of the other kids were doing and it looked like rebellion but it was really just catching up.
I’m dead-set against strict parenting because I see how it screwed up many of my friends (including my partner). But, I think that kids who “lose control” after strict parents (as compared with not-strict parents) are the exception, not the rule.
Of course, the vast majority of college students, regardless of upbringing, are going to act differently than in high school. It’s a level of freedom most have never had.
My oldest had two classmates freshman year that had to check in with their parents each day. One kid couldn’t leave campus without telling his parents (university is an urban campus…) and the other kid had to call her mom each morning and evening.
We have always viewed it as our job to raise our kids (both boys) to be independent adults. In my opinion, strict parenting can be at odds with that goal.
My kids called me everyday (sometimes multiples) when they were in college. My kids were in a rural college, and they weren’t allowed to take a road trip without telling me first, especially the one with car campus. If they were going to school in NYC or Boston, I wouldn’t have expected them. They didn’t rebel in the sense they didn’t do anything they weren’t supposed to. I am sure they partied like all other college kids, but they survived and got very good grades in school. My older one moved out of house as soon as she graduated and the younger one is going off now too. I think I was fairly strict, but they didn’t rebel.
10, 15 years ago, I was full of opinions on this topic. The opinions I of which I was full basically boiled down to disliking authoritarian parenting and believing that it was counterproductive over time.
With the benefit of more experience, I now believe that sometimes authoritarian parenting is counterproductive, and sometimes it turns out not to be. Same with permissive parenting (me): Sometimes it works more or less exactly as you hoped – my experience with my kids, with a few reservations – and sometimes it blows up in your face. My current view is that there’s a lot more random good or bad luck in child rearing than most of us are comfortable admitting.
This cracked me up! I remember being on a somewhat-last-minute road trip, called home on “the usual day” and my mother being shocked because I didn’t tell her I was going (not mad, just surprised). It never even occurred to me that I was supposed to tell her ahead of time. Back in those days we were lucky to talk to each other once (maybe twice if I was homesick) a week.
Kind of glad things are different now because I sure am going to miss DD a lot when her time comes.
I think most kids rebel in their own way. I came from a no-tv home with a pretty strict diet of over-cooked veggies. My first year I watched MASSES of TV and ate fruitloops every freaking day. A pretty tame rebellion but a rebellion none-the-less.
I know my eldest relished in her slobdom in college as I was always on her for some level of decency in the house. I’m pretty sure my son will try meat which he’s always had the freedom to do but I don’t keep it in the house. All-in-all, I don’t think there is a ton to actually rebel against lol.
The people I remember doing the stupidest things in college were the ones with the strict parents…that’s because the rest of us had already done those things in high school :))
Kids can always find a way to rebel. My SIL and her husband were very easy-going parents - anything went, pretty much. So their son rebelled by deciding to join the military. They were horrified. Cracked me up. He ended up changing his mind, anyway.
In my opinion kids make decisions (good and bad) for all kinds of reasons and “blaming bad decisions” on strict parenting is an excuse. At the end of the day once you become an adult YOU are responsible for your own choices and the consequences those come with those choices. I had strict parents… certainly did not like all the restrictions when I was in high school. But, when I went to college, I also realized if I wanted to have my freedom I needed to make “mostly” good decisions.
I’m one who thinks its more genetics than environment. It’s what I’ve seen in other kids/parents as well as my own.
If we had only had our middle son we’d have been patting ourselves on the back for how awesome we were as parents. God was smart and gave us our other two more “normal” lads to keep us grounded. They’ve all turned out just fine. We feel lucky more than anything. Even some of the “good” parenting “choices” we made were more luck than preplanned or thought out. Some of the bad choices we made were too.
There are no perfect parents out there and there is no single style that is perfect either. There can be some that are terribly wrong (abusive), but even then, some kids make it out and do ok.
There is no doubt that in my mind the more involved you are the better (this does not equate to strictness). You can see that kids with helicopter parents (tiger parents for Asians) just do better. Might not be the best thing to get over involved but it’s better than being under involved.
I think there are some kids who are going to rebel and it’s just a matter of whether or not they had the opportunities in high school to do it or if their strict parents kept the opportunities at bay until they left for college.
Likewise, I think there are some kids who just won’t rebel regardless of whether their parents are strict or lenient.
And, this is my opinion and definitely up for debate, but in casual observation it seems as though the rebels tend to be risk takers who end up being very successful in life if they learn and grow from their mistakes while the non-rebel rule followers tend to be those who have stable jobs and families but just don’t get far beyond average. Think of the saying, “Well behaved women seldom make history.”