Strongly believe in NOT going away to college - am I alone?

Parents Forum
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<p>Hello, I am new to this forum. My son is a freshman in high school and I find myself obsessing about the whole college admission/selection process.</p>

<p>As my title states, I am very much in favor of him staying at home while he goes to school. I understand the whole need to learn how to be independent but frankly see many more cons than pros to this approach. Thinking long term, I can't imagine him living somewhere else and potentially seeing the grandkids couple of times a year for holidays plus I just don't think it's right for families to live so far apart especially when the parents get older. </p>

<p>Is there anybody out there who agrees with me? </p>

<p>I think my background is partially to blame for my views: I was born and raised in Ukraine and that is how we lived - kids stayed home while going to college and can't complain about not being independent.. </p>

<p>Just curious about everybody else's opinion on this. </p>

<p>Emily.</p>

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<p>I think everyone is different. My son will probably go to college many states away. If he chooses to stay there after graduation I see that as an opportunity to get away and visit another area of the country at least once a year. I encourage my kids to broaden their horizons. I hope they end up eventually raising a family and living in this area, but will not pressure them to do so.</p>

<p>OTOH, I have a friend at work, near retirement age and recently divorced, whose kids both went to school out of state and never returned. He is floundering and very lonely. I am sure if his kids lived nearby it would help. Of course, he could just go out and make friends and get involved in activities on his own.</p>

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<p>Emily, It is clearly a cultural thing. Although this is a generalization, many Americans with college-bound kids believe it is part of the growing up process to have them live independently in a different place from home, whether it be an hour-long drive or a 5-hr flight away. Many also accept more easily the possibility that the kids will choose a career path that may lead them to live far away from their parents. It is a belief in the right to independence and choices for their kids that many Americans have. </p>

<p>I grew up in the U.S. in which this was the normal expectation and I went far away to college and then off to Europe where I ended up raising a family. My Ds, now college age/bound are attending college in the States and I have no real expectation that they will end up back here in the country where they have grown up…I have no idea where they´ll live, could be anywhere in the world.</p>

<p>I see the culture here around me is quite different as most college kids (and many of my Ds friends) will live at home throughout their schooling and end up with jobs close by and a strong generational connection. Do I envy their parents? Not really because the independence idea was bred into me and I just want my kids to be happy and fufilled wherever they end up. </p>

<p>(Besides, the way communications have advanced since when I was a young adult has made maintaining a close relationship easy and cheap).</p>

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<p>Emily I do see your point. In our community many kids stay at home, attend community college and go on to do interesting and productive things. Having no 4 year within commuting distance we don’t have the option of having our kids stay at home to get a BA.</p>

<p>I may be wrong but I think that there is a tendency for many of us when parenting our kids to want them to have the positives we had. I think the majority of the routine posters here on CC went away to school, recognized it as a valuable experience and therefore want our kids to have it. Because you didn’t follow that route you see the potential pitfalls. Because many of us did follow that route we may downplay the pitfalls because the overall experience was so positive.</p>

<p>I certainly don’t want my kids to settle on the other side of the country leaving me bereft but even more I would never want to be the one who kept them from realizing their full potential by limiting their choices. There are retirement facilities and communities in every state and if being in the same area becomes important to me I can be the one who moves. Not saying living at home to go to college will automatically keep a person from meeting their potential, just saying that IMO college choice is among the first major decisions most of our kids make and for me it was important that I didn’t impose restrictions based on geography. DDs are 2.5 hours away but they had options half way across the country. I am glad they are close but I would have supported their choice to be elsewhere as well.</p>

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<p>I went away to college and my Eastern European mother was NOT happy. I am ambivalent. On the one hand, I want D to taste that independence, but on the other hand, there is no reason she can’t get that living at home. Our state flagship is within commuting distance, and if it was a better fit in other ways, I would definitely be pushing it more.</p>

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<p>I know what you mean, because I think our impulse as mothers is to keep our family close at hand. Families are much more scattered now than they used to be, and it certainly can be a hardship as the parents age or as the grandkids arrive. </p>

<p>OTOH, my husband’s family all stayed here. The farthest away is a brother who lives an hour by car. The rest of us are five minutes from his parents–and you know what? Nobody can stand each other. They’ve been tripping over each other since the moment they were born, and I often think if they’d all spread out a little bit, saw each other less frequently, they might be able to really understand and appreciate each other as adults rather than staying mired in those old family roles. Maybe not though. What I’m saying is that proximity does not guarantee a close family, and if your son does wants to go, and you hold him here, how will it affect your relationship with him? Watching my mother-in-law demand so much of her children, and watching them grow increasingly resentful of her has made me very aware that I want my kids to want to be around me, and they just won’t if I force them.</p>

<p>My ds is a sophomore, and it certainly didn’t feel natural or normal for him to leave home at 18, but I think it’s been good. I think he appreciates his family much more now that he’s been away. </p>

<p>I also agree with mamom, that it really depends on the kid. If your son is content to stay close to home then great, but what if he’s not? What if he really wants to go somewhere else? And as far as the grandkids go, maybe you move closer to them, instead of the other way around. I don’t really expect my kids to settle here because there really aren’t the jobs in the areas of interest they have. Also, I don’t really love it here anyway, but I’m keeping my options open for re-locating down the road. I won’t buy the house across the street–like Everybody Loves Raymond–but I might move within driving distance.</p>

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<p>Think about this…</p>

<p>Even if your son goes to a local college, that doesn’t mean that he’ll always live near you. He could get a job in your area and then get transferred across the country (that’s what happened to us). You may think, “Well, if that happens, he can just quit and find another job.” It’s not that easy. Finding other jobs isn’t always easy. Seniority is affected, and retirement packages can be adversely affected by changing jobs. </p>

<p>Right now, your son is a freshman in HS. At this age, it can be almost impossible to imagine him not living in your home. When he’s older, it will be different.</p>

<p>*I was born and raised in Ukraine and that is how we lived - kids stayed home while going to college and can’t complain about not being independent… *</p>

<p>We are now living in a global society. No one can be certain that they will always be living in any one particular area. Companies relocate, jobs become scarce in certain regions, etc.</p>

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<p>Things might change for you in 3 years and 8 months when he actually starts college, but I can tell you I stay at home and go to a local college (though for financial reasons). If you live near a college of the caliber of one he should be going to, then I think it’s a good idea (though for financial reasons). </p>

<p>I don’t see the independence or maturing thing personally. My mom still does my laundry where as other kids have to do their own. Other than that I don’t see them as maturing any farther than me. If that was a big deal (to either my mom or me) I could just do my own laundry. I have just as much independence as anyone else living in a dorm as well.</p>

<p>From a cultural standpoint, you were raised in the Soviet Union. I think things are bound to be different, since you now don’t live in the Soviet Union. I would go as far as to say opposite. You moved to America (I guess I’m assuming you are in America) so hopefully you wanted opposite. But anyway, one thing different about the Soviet Union and America is that WHERE you go to college can matter quite a bit, and there are vast differences between different colleges, and if you don’t live commuting distance from one that’s appropriate for him, then you shouldn’t keep him at home and send him there.</p>

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<p>I think it is cultural. I have a friend who was born in Mexico. She does not understand how so many of us send our kids away to college. Her D is attending the CC and working and living at home. She will transfer next fall to the local UC and will continue to live at home and help the family out financially. That is what works for their family.</p>

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<p>Everyone is different. Both my husband and I are products of parents/grandparents that came through Ellis Island with floods of others leaving their families in Europe so like Wildwood, independence was bred into our parents and my husband and I and we’ve passed that independence onto our children. It’s our family culture. We expect them to leave and go where they want to go or stay if they want so I don’t “agree” with you. But I also know a family or two where all the kids happily stayed at home attending the local uni, married locally and live locally in the same town they grew up in, as their parents did and their grandparents. My S2 has a friend with a family culture like this, also and while his friends are contemplating where they will go, he knows without question his destiny and is content. There is no right or wrong so I don’t disagree either. But what about your children’s wishes when the time comes? If you’ve raised your son with the expectation that he will stay (like our friends or our son’s friend) then it will be part of his “culture” and not something that will be questioned, but if this is not something that is part of your family you may find yourself with issues down the line.</p>

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<p>Emily, there are no guarantees that your child will settle down in your area even if he attends college locally. I have many childhood friends who attended our local, highly-regarded university, and now live and work on the opposite side of the country. Conversely, people returned to live in our home town after attending college hundreds or thousands of miles away. The job market, the type of work your son eventually chooses to do, his romantic attachments may each take him to a different geographic area. </p>

<p>I sympathize with your feelings, but I think they may backfire if you tell your child that he needs to attend school nearby because you want him nearby. If he needs to live at home because of finances, that’s a different matter.</p>

<p>My parents live near our local state U. They figured that all of their children would attend that school and live at home, saving them lots of $$$. The eldest ended up going to school 400 miles from home…at which point my parents realized that it was absolutely fantastic to not have to worry about one of their kids! :slight_smile: They then insisted that all of the other children had to go away to school.</p>

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<p>Your idea of what your son is ready for may evolve quite a bit before graduation.
Both my daughters took a year off before college , they both have learning challenges although also very bright and it helped to have the extra year to mature.
Each was also one of the youngest in their class going through school and they needed a break.
One volunteered for a year through americorps and then attended a small private LAC out of state, the other worked two jobs for a few months to raise money for a long volunteer vacation on the other side of the world and is attending an instate university.</p>

<p>My youngest had attended a public K-12 school through 8th gd, that we selected for the family type environment. However for high school she wanted to attend a comprehensive inner city school that was more than twice as big as her previous school. Against my better judgement I allowed her to do so and she did very well.</p>

<p>For her 4 month volunteer trip I was thinking “oh maybe in the next state or maybe New Orleans”, she went to India.
But it all worked out and it is her life not mine.</p>

<p>Knowing that my kids are growing up has spurred my own push to pursue other committments and interests and while I would love to see them more often this time of our lives is engaged and exciting and I am trying to explore things that I put on the back burner when they required more time and energy.</p>

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<p>I think you are not alone. I recently volunteered at an event my company sponsored. I must have my CC attitude with me and mentioned to one of the kids there that something about going to the East Coast for college(just in jest). Her mom quickly corrected me by saying her kid is not going anywhere that far from CA. I had to re-examine my attitude about going far for college. For me, it’s up to my kids. If they think they can handle it and go for it. Otherwise going to college within 2 hours is fine with me.</p>

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<p>I just got off the phone with a friend of mine who lives in Brooklyn and she told me I was crazy to even consider letting D go away to college. Apparently in her neighborhood, CUNYs are considered just fine.</p>

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<p>That’s why I push schools in locations with lousy weather.</p>

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<p>I live in NYS. From my perspective, my kids could have gone anywhere they wished. Neither wanted to have to take a plane to go to and from school. Okay by me. Their choice.</p>

<p>We do have a very good (semi-flagship caliber – NY does not have flagship school) uni in our own backyard. Kids could have gone there (I did), and they already had connections to science research and performing music groups there from HS.</p>

<p>I think each would have felt they were still in HS. </p>

<p>Both ended up close enough to visit in a a day with no sleepover (one just barely) so I could see them any time I wished.</p>

<p>Had they stayed closer I think I would have alienated them by trying to control them too much. I am happy that I am not the one who knows they stay out until 2. I am happily asleep.</p>

<p>D was positive she wanted to live in NYC. It’s a 2 hour drive for us; she’d been going all her life. A Manhattanite is a particular species of person (I am not one, although I was born there and did there.) I was thrilled she could attend college there and live in dorms far more well placed than any apartment we could have afforded at this point.</p>

<p>It was Manhattan for dummies because housing was not an issue. </p>

<p>She went to GA to move in with BF, but is coming back to law school. She has scratched Emory off her list. She hates GA. I don’t know at this point if he is coming or not. But I’ll get her back without having to say boo.</p>

<p>S is having a ball living in the Berkshires, much different than exurban Long Island. I am thrilled for him. His trajectory is yoet uncharted.</p>

<p>I do sympathize with your feelings though, Emily. However, they don’t want that traditional life, and if I tried to hold onto to them I would eventually push them away. It is a painful transition, though. More painful than people usually talk about.</p>

<p>Watching the kids joyfully grow into themselves compensates.</p>

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<p>I think your view is fairly common among parents from Eastern European countries. My folks (who were immigrants from Croatia) felt as you did; my aunts and uncles (also immigrants) had the same view. Also, I’ve noticed that it’s more common in working class neighborhoods (where finances are probably an issue) for kids to live at home and commute to a nearby college (community or four-year institution). There’s no right or wrong. If I were you, I wouldn’t rule out going away to college for your son. I’d try to be open-minded and figure out what would work best given his academic aspirations and possible career goals as well as family finances. IMO telling a kid he can’t do X–makes that option much more appealing. My brother and I as well as my cousins all went away to college (much to the annoyance of our Croatian parents) and all of us with one exception (me) ended up settling down near our parents.</p>

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<p>In my extended family nearly everyone went away for college. Nearly everyone is living in an area where one of the spouses grew up, though often the other spouse is far away from family. My own parents moved a few years ago - they were an 8 hour drive away, now they are only a 4 hour drive. (And in the same town as one of my brothers.) </p>

<p>Personally I think college is an ideal time to get to know another part of the country, to spread ones wings and to learn to live independently while still having a lot of the support systems provided by a college. </p>

<p>I went to college and grad school on the east coast, then spent several years on the west coast and five years in Germany before finding my way back to the East Coast.</p>

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<p>No, OP, you’re not alone. That said, the tradition of sending young people “away” to school is part of middle/upper-middle class experience in America. (Or used to be, god knows what will happen, long term, as the middle class weakens and tuition rises.) It is not necessary to have had that experience to succeed, but it’s like sports or church: a shared experience, a way to forge ties that most people who have gone to college in this country understand. But the great thing about America is that the society is flexible enough to absorb (and allow to succeed) people with all kinds of backgrounds. </p>

<p>If you don’t want your child to move away for school – and if he is OK with that – go for it. Just don’t be surprised if your American child wants to live the way his American counterparts do, and insist on a distance.</p>

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<p>My mom is from Europe and she refused to let me go away to college (25+ years ago); most of my friends from HS were 1st or 2nd generation American and a lot of the parents had the same attitude. I really regret not going away to school for many reasons. </p>

<p>Where we live now, there really are not any schools within commuting distance, with the exception of the CC. I want my D’s to go away, not because I don’t love them or that I won’t miss them, but because I want them to experience what I didn’t. My oldest has chosen to limit her applications to schools within a 250 mile radius; we’ll see what happens with my youngest.</p>

<p>I have/will “made” my kids go away for at least a week each summer during the HS years so they could get used to dorms, roommates, laundry, etc. And for DH & I to get used to them becoming more independent.</p>