Strongly believe in NOT going away to college - am I alone?

Parents Forum
21

<p>" Thinking long term, I can’t imagine him living somewhere else and potentially seeing the grandkids couple of times a year for holidays plus I just don’t think it’s right for families to live so far apart especially when the parents get older. "</p>

<p>You may try to make him stay home for college, but he may choose to go elsewhere, may even enter the military so to be able to leave home.</p>

<p>Even if he stays home for college, he may go elsewhere for grad school or for jobs.</p>

<p>I know people whose kids stayed in our town for college, and those kids now are living as far away as China.</p>

<p>When it comes to seeing your grandkids – if you even have any – you may need to move to be where your grandkids are. That’s a choice that many grandparents make. Many senior citizens also move to be close to their kids. </p>

<p>Also, for some people, the tighter parents hold on, the more the young person fights to get away. That may end up being the case with your son.</p>

22

<p>college is supposed to be help someone transition to being on their own. In college they are on their own but not completely free, since there are some restrictions. I think it is a good experience going away and experiencing something new.</p>

23

<p>I think mst of us would love it if our kids stayed close and I understand that culture plays a big role in how you feel about this.</p>

<p>But we live in a global world now and if you have a smart, ambitious child, expect him to live many places during his career. We will be surprised if all of ours remain in the US permanently given their interests and ambitions.</p>

<p>The way we see it is that it will be our job to travel to see them and our future grand kids.</p>

24

<p>I find this very interesting, I have completed my BA, but when I was applying to schools I was forbidden from the posibility of living at home, even though my house is bigger to “big state school” than many dorms are! See my dad commuted to school for both his BA, MA and PhD and felt that he missed out on a big part of college. Now he had no choice, due to his urban location and economic situation except commuting.</p>

<p>Here is my view. There is nothing wrong with wanting your son to live at home. I have many friends who lived at home when they were freshmen/sophomores. It is not strange, it is not a cultural/foriegner thing… it depends on the family, the specific child and the school’s location. </p>

<p>For my advice, I am not going to focus on the “fun” of college. Honestly, that aspect is subjective and I think secondary to the logistics of school.</p>

<p>The big thing is how close you live to the school. Commuting can be very time consuming (I commute now to grad school just under 3 hours round trip). Keep this in mind. Also know that if you son will be driving to school, that time cannot be used productively (I take a train, thus do my reading on the train making the time productive). </p>

<p>Now I do not think grandchildren should be the determining factor. Honestly, no one can predict the future, however if you raised your son to value living close to his family, I doubt he will move that far away.</p>

<p>Might I recommend a compromise? Chose schools nearby. Then offer your house as a very cost effective place to live. If he is taking out loans, I am sure he’ll agree.</p>

<p>As a bit of humor… I travelled 5 states away from home to go to college and only came home a few times… only to be living back at home now. That’s the economy for you.</p>

25

<p>As a first generation in the states, I went to a community college is NYC and lived home. There wasn’t even the choice to go away to school. My parents were thrilled that I graduated HS and didn’t expect any more from me.</p>

<p>My DH had the whole campus experience - about 2.5 hours from his family home and went to grad school in DC. </p>

<p>My HS senior son and I worked as a team in researching schools and in being involved with all that, I realized just how much I missed out on. It’s not that I regret the road I took, but I know my life would have been much different had I had the opportunity my DS is getting.</p>

<p>I left home at 21 - the first opportunity I had (in those days, if you had a fairly decent job, you could actually afford rent and have a car!) and hardly ever went to visit the family. It was years before I would freely visit and not feel stifled. It wasn’t that I didn’t love them - I did, and do, very much - but I didn’t feel that we were on the same planet.</p>

<p>With all that said - I am so very excited for my son, as he will be attending his first choice school next Fall - about 4 hours away by car. I am going to miss him like crazy, but I wouldn’t dream of standing in his way.</p>

<p>I’ve already told Hubby that, should DS ultimately choose to live out of the area, we are moving to be reasonably close to him (not on top of him - we are very independant), as I wouldn’t want him to bear the burden of having elderly parents living hours and hours away. He is an only child.</p>

26

<p>Sorry, Emily. I’m of totally the opposite opinion. My “rule” was no school within 200 miles. As it turns out, D’s field of interest after college (she graduated in 2008) makes it virtually certain that she’ll be employed in Washington, D.C., on the other coast.</p>

<p>There are no guarantees. What are you going to do if your son becomes an academic and gets tenure at a school across the country? Works for a corporation that relocates him internationally? He decides to become an anthropologist or archaeologist and is out in the field for months at a time? (Insert 5000 other examples of where S won’t be living in your home community.)</p>

<p>Your OP is mainly about what <em>you</em> want, what makes you feel good. Try figuring out what avenues might be most rewarding for your son on <em>his</em> terms and values. </p>

<p>I’m already serene with the fact that eventually we’re going to have to have a condo on the East Coast in retirement so that we can spend at least several months a year with D. Fortunately, we’ve got time as she will go off to grad school for a few years before returning to D.C.</p>

<p>Btw, one of my sisters in-law insisted that all her kids go to college within 150 miles of home. One is now teaching in Myanmar (my sister in-law lives in St. Louis, nowhere near Myanmar) and the other is married and living in Virginia.</p>

<p>Keeping everyone in the village is not a viable option.</p>

<p>TheDad, 1/4 Russian and 1/4 Latvian, for what it’s worth</p>

<p>PS Do I miss my D? Of course. Last year we spent 12 days in D.C. and got to see her apartment, buy a little inexpensive furniture for it, take her to dinner, etc. This year she made it home for nine days over the holidays…she had two other, shorter trips during the year. We talk on the phone every week, with added calls and e-mails sprinkled in.</p>

<p>But as much as I miss her, I take great joy in her career and knowing that she’s doing what’s absolutely best for her and I wouldn’t dream of getting in the way of that.</p>

27

<p>I believe in giving kids roots and wings. While I would love having my sons and future grandkids living nearby, I don’t believe in forcing my kids to live their lives according to what would make me happiest.</p>

<p>I also think that going away to college is a wonderful way to learn independence and to become more sophisticated about other regions, cultures, etc. In this global economy, adults who insist on living only in their hometowns will be left in the dust. I am glad that both sons chose to go to college away from home. I think they learned a great deal by doing that.</p>

<p>I have friends in Detroit who refuse to leave that dying city because they insist on being near family. Meanwhile, those friends are out of work or are living in dangerous areas because they refuse to move to where there are better options. I don’t want my sons to act like that.</p>

<p>I believe that if being near my adult children and future grandkids is what would make me happy, then I should move to be near them, not expect my adult offspring to stay put to make me happy.</p>

28

<p>No parent likes to see their kid go far away to college. It’s a very, very hard thing to go through. But lots of parents do it, because they understand that their kid’s college education is about what their child wants and what is best for their child, rather than what the parent prefers. There’s no right or wrong with this, in fact, your son may find that he prefers to be close to home, especially if he’s grown up in a tight knit family atmosphere. But trying to force him to stay close to you by restricting his college choices isn’t much of a garauntee that he’ll live near you the rest of his life. In fact, with most young adults, the harder you try to hold on to them, the more they will fight to get away. </p>

<p>My parents didn’t place restrictions on me one way or the other. I grew up very close to an excellent university, I decided on a college thousands of miles from home. I’m very close with my parents, it was painful for both of us, but they knew that this was my time to do what they had raised me to do, and even if it hurt them they weren’t going to stand in my way. Did I miss them? Every day. I was sick with envy over the kids who could easily drive home and see their parents whenever they wanted. But I loved every second of my college experience, it was absolutely right for me, and I was able to test myself and see how I performed away from my supportive family safety net, which I have to admit, was an attraction for me. I wanted to see what it was like to stand on my own, as I had never done so before. </p>

<p>Your son is only a freshman, try not to fret about it now. But keep an open mind and when the time comes, if its financially feasible, let him make the decision that is right for him. It may make him more tied to the family than ever because you gave him teh freedom to make his own decisions.</p>

29

<p>Definitely cultural. My parents were both immigrants from Eastern Europe, as well. I wanted to go away to college (4 hour drive) in order to grow a bit away from mother’s apron strings. My mother was devastated! My father supported me because he said I needed to learn about life and become more independent. And when I was 30, unmarried and wanted to move out, my mother was devastated again! However, we had moved to another part of the country so she could lie to her friends and save face. After all,you only leave your parents’ house when you marry.
I still maintain the old customs. But I have adopted some from the US, as well, and melded the two together. And what I have learned is that different traditionsa nd customs work for different people. Part of what staying close by means is that we can overcome our leaving the “Old Country.” It gives us a sense of stability and family which we lost when we left. I didn’t met my grandmother until I was 19 because while we left, she didn’t and we couldn’t afford to go back until many years had passed.
Funny, but because I moved around a lot with my parents as they tried to better their lot in life as refugees and immigrants, when I had my DD, I decided stability would be better and never moved. And guess what? She has wanderlust and wants to get a job with an international firm so she can travel a lot. So basically, it is wonderful if you can have family around you, and it is wonderful if you can travel and leave if that works for you. Every person is different and what is right for each one is different.</p>

30

<p>from post #16</p>

<p>“Watching the kids joyfully grow into themselves compensates.”</p>

<p>Well said mythmom!</p>

<p>from the same post…</p>

<p>“Had they stayed closer I think I would have alienated them by trying to control them too much. I am happy that I am not the one who knows they stay out until 2. I am happily asleep.”</p>

<p>I hear you myth!!! I have a friend whose DD stayed home and is attending the local CC. It is what both parents did as well. My friend is agonizingly trying to re-negotiate behavior parameters with her adult daughter who is heavily involved with a bf 2 hours away. Call me an ostrich but I am glad I don’t know every detail of their social lives anymore.</p>

31

<p>I have friends who are absolutely petrified at the thought of their D going away to college. We have a very good state flagship nearby and they see no reason why anyone would want anything else. Money is not an issue. They own an unused condominium near the school and are talking about moving to it so their D can live at home. They don’t like the idea of here living away from them during college. This is all four years away, so this may change. Few kids in the program their D is in stay in-state for school. Most go to top privates. It will be interesting to see how this all plays out over the next few years as she progresses through HS. </p>

<p>S1 is in school 2000 miles away and S2 has applied to schools all out-of-state. Technology keeps us in close contact and we video conference, text, email, Facebook, and talk frequently. Distance turns out not to be the issue we thought it would be.</p>

32

<p>My mom grew up on a farm in Ireland, and she and her sisters left home for work by age 15-16. My mom got on a boat and moved to the US alone at 16. My siblings are scattered from coast to coast, with one nephew in Europe and a niece starting college in Ireland recently. So for me, culturally, leaving home is the norm. While it is hard to see them go off on their own, to me it is a good thing. I liked the independence of living at college, and the one year I commuted was not fun.</p>

33

<p>My mother was an only child and (in the early 1950s) her parents forbade her from going away to college, even though she was awarded a full-tuition scholarship to the state flagship school. She lived at home and commuted for four years, hating every minute of it. When the time came, she was adamant that her three kids all go away to college; we did not even have the option of staying within driving distance. I was the closest at a 4 hour drive (brother 6 hours and sister at 10 hours).</p>

<p>After college, I always wanted to live in New England (grew up in Michigan) and, as it turned out, was able to find work there, eventually married and had kids. My sister ended up where the work was as well, now living four hours away; my brother has stayed within an hours’ drive of our parents.</p>

<p>Not a one of us has any regrets, especially not my parents. They travel to see each of us for special occasions and we all gather at their house for Christmas (well, we replicate Christmas the week after). Then we all spend a portion of our summer at their cottage Up North. The cousins are all close-enough friends and my siblings and I have the perfect relationships. And the bonus is that I do not have to negotiate the big holidays with my in-laws.</p>

<p>Moral of the story…it works for us. And I passed the idea on, because S1 is 2500 miles away for college (and not likely to return the NE for work), while S2’s first choice school is a long 4 hour drive. We’ll allow him to decide where to settle after college, as well.</p>

34

<p>My D is the first female in my extended family to go away to school - she’s 4th generation college-educated. We grew up in NYC and there were/are PLENTY of excellent colleges in the NYC area. Certainly, not an immigrant family and finances were not holding us back. Not a sexist thing either - all my sibs are female (7), all her cousins and brother are male (8). I guess just the way it worked out!</p>

35

<p>Our backyard borders the local State U. When we moved in 16 years ago, we started telling our kids they were not allowed to go to college there. It is just too close! D1 is a freshman 800 miles away and loving every minute of it. She has really matured. Her friends who stayed at home are calling it 13th grade and haven’t changed much at all. We still see them at the high school football games.</p>

36

<p>Has the OP (Emily) come back???</p>

<p>To sum up some of the best points (and there have been MANY)…</p>

<p>1) Kids who go to school local, sometimes get jobs that take them far away. Therefore, having kids go locally to school is no guarantee that they will live their adult lives in your community.</p>

<p>2) A kid who’s been raised in an American culture may want to go away, especially if he see his peers doing so.</p>

<p>3) if you attempt to hang on too tightly, the child may rebel.</p>

<p>4) the child may join the military and then what?</p>

<p>5) children learn to “grow up” and take care of themselves when the go away to college. </p>

<p>6) Commuting to school is time-consuming, and the student is less likely to feel connected to his school. Studies have shown that kids who live on campus do better than those who don’t.</p>

<p>7) A child who has not been “allowed” to go away, may harbor resentments for a long, long time.</p>

<p>If I’ve overlooked something, I apologize. :)</p>

37

<p>I don’t know the details of Emily’s (the OP) situation, but staying local for college does not imply staying at home and commuting to campus.</p>

<p>It is looking more and more likely that my hs senior daughter will be choosing our public flagship university, given that it has an excellent program in her field and she has a variety of financial incentives from the school that will allow her to save money for vet school (assuming that plan becomes reality). The downside, if you will, is that it is four miles from our house and she has a "close relative "on the faculty. However, she will definitely not be living at home (I’m not even giving her the option). We won’t be expecting her to drop in regularly, which is good because she won’t be. The current plan is to focus on summer jobs/internships in another area of the country, because she does enjoy traveling and seeing more of the world. It just seems unnecessary to move away for college in order to gain personal independence, given that the program she wants is right here and the price is right. (And it is a good college town, to boot.)</p>

<p>It wouldn’t have been the right choice for my son. He took a lot of classes at the U during high school and spent many weekends there for state and regional science and math competitions throughout junior high and high school. It was old hat and then some by the time he finished high school. I do like the fact that he is no more than a 7/8-hr. drive away and gets home on breaks with a minimum of hassle. I don’t, alas, envision him living in this area ever again, but I don’t think he would have stayed around here for the long term even if he had not had a choice of colleges elsewhere.</p>

38

<p>Good summary in post #36.</p>

<p>One important point that also has been raised is that some of us believe that if there’s a strong desire to stay physically close to offspring and grandchildren and to have relatives nearby as we age, we the parents should be willing to move to be near to our offspring. This allows our offspring to take the best job options for themselves and their spouses and best educational s options for their kids while allowing us in retirement to be near them.</p>

39

<p>I don’t know about daughters – but I have known more than one young man who really, really needed to go out in the world for a bit. Seeing some of the world LET them choose to be closer to family later on. </p>

<p>Emily won’t know her son’s nature, fully, until he is a junior/senior in high school. </p>

<p>One option to take is “Apply lots of places. Let’s keep our minds open all of your senior year. Then, on April 1, we will see where you are accepted and, hopefully, a good path will come clear.” </p>

<p>One friend applied all over the US (to his father’s consternation) but ended up choosing the state flagship school. The exploring of other programs was part of the process of realizing what a neat state we have.</p>

40

<p>we the parents should be willing to move to be near to our offspring.</p>

<p>LOL…that’s only do-able if you only have one child or all of your children relocated to the same place. I know grandparents that have children/grandchildren living in all corners of the country. </p>

<p>I think parents need to be mentally prepared that their children might not live near them all of their lives. That may mean that grandparents may need to expect to travel occasionally for visits. (I think that’s why some grandparents buy those big RVs…LOL)</p>