<p>“You keep saying you are as independent as everyone else, but I would question this assertion. You are not as independent of your child as most posters because you have stated that you have no real purpose in life except to raise him and help raise his children”</p>
<p>Mythmom, you can label it any way you wish and no, I’ve never stated that I have no real purpose in life except to raise him. It’s is extremely rude of you to say something like this but I guess this was the purpose of the statement.</p>
<p>Anyway, raising him IS a huge part of my life and I am proud of it. Do I have other interests? Yes, I do but I am not going to waste my time justifying my way of life to anybody.</p>
<p>“You don’t need anyone else’s agreement or approval.You do seem to want it, however. I’m not sure why.”</p>
<p>On the contrary, I don’t need anybody’s approval, I am just responding to posts because I believe it’s a polite thing to do. May be you think otherwise.</p>
<p>True, but that also goes both ways. Just because you were raised a certain way doesn’t automatically mean that is the way it needs to be now.</p>
<p>I think we all love our kids and it’s true that while they are young they give our lives additional purpose. In fact, being a mother can truly become part of our identity. However, we all really need to be careful that we don’t saddle our children with a “job.” It should not become their job to meet **our need to nurture **, it should not be their job to give us something to live for, it should not be their job to make us feel needed. When someone says “my child is my life,” that raises a red flag to me. My children mean the world to me. But I have an identity which goes beyond being a mother that will hopefully allow me to continue to find meaning in my life and to contribute in some small measure to the world when they are no longer dependent upon me. I’m lucky to be a nurse because I can continue to nurture people in need outside of the home. I am the first to acknowledge that it feels great to take care of people , to do special things for them, to ease their suffering, to offer comfort, and in turn, to feel needed. I’m just not so sure that keeping my children from leaving the nest so that I can continue to get those wonderful feelings is really in their best interest. I agree with a few others that there are so many people in the world who could benefit from your caretaking urges and those talents you posess in this regard can simply be shifted to others who may actually be more in need of them than a young adult child. It’s a difficult transition to make regardless of your cultural background, and some never make it, to their own detriment as well as to their child’s. </p>
<p>I agree with others that there is real possibility that rather than just making your feelings known to your son, you will essentially guilt him into doing what benefits you rather than what he might really want or need for himself. If that happens, it’s not a stretch to think you may further expect him to consider your feelings in many other instances where it’s not your place to intervene, whether that may be issues in child rearing, his choice of spouse or issues in their relationship, etc. There can really be a fine line between being “close” and being controlling, and from what I’ve observed, the longer you keep your child close at hand, the harder it is to truly foster independance in them.</p>
<p>Based on the title of your thread, it seems you have already decided that you will not allow your son to go away to college and are simply looking for validation of your own intentions rather than seeking other points of view. However, when we post on the internet, that rarely happens. We get all kinds of responses, some not to our liking. I’ve been impressed with the civility of all posting here. Discussions like these often get ugly and I sure would not want to contribute to any of that. I guess what I’m saying is that while I disagree with your stance, I certainly respect where you are coming from.</p>
<p>Good luck and enjoy this time in your son’s life. My youngest is the same age, and I know how fast the years pass.</p>
<p>I think there is a huge American emphasis on independence and a tendency to see anything else as co-dependence. I prefer to see it as inter-dependence, which all societies have to an extent, and particularly Jews of recent Eastern European extraction.</p>
<p>NRDSB4, I think you might’ve missed some of my posts where I clearly stated that my son will make his own decision but he certainly knows where I stand on this issue and I also stated that had we lived in an area where good schools were not available, this conversation would not be happening at all.</p>
<p>It seems like we are all beating a dead horse here and I do get it that many of you don’t understand where I am coming from and that is fine. Traditions I grew up with work fine for me and if yours work for you then great. If anything, I feel my upbringing helped me to go through immigration and to fully integrate into a new society, learn the language to a point where people are amazed to find out that I wasn’t born in this country, to switch to a different profession and be successful at it etc etc…</p>
<p>The original post was created based on an honest desire to learn more about what people thought. Even though I’ve talked to a few people at work about this, I wanted to get more information and more insight from others but it seems like some people are accusing me of the very same thing they are guilty of - the inability to accept that there is more than one way to do things and still achieve a great result.</p>
<p>As a college bound senior I can tell that it’s not easy for either the parents or kids. My parents still don’t like to admit that I’m practically an adult and the idea that I’m applying to a school on the other side of the country. But more than likely your kids will call you often when their in college. I have some friends in college that call their parents every day. Missing them goes without question but letting them do their own thing is part of letting them grow up. Best if luck</p>
<p>Helicopter parenting is funny. I took one of those “helicopter parent” quizzes on the college board and was told I’m too hands off. Yet my philosophy is closer to the OP’s about “interdependence”.</p>
<p>Queen’s Mom, do you have a link to that quiz? I’d love to take it. I was reading an article about it in Time recently… interesting read, don’t know if anyone else happened to come across it…</p>
<p>Emily, perhaps it might be helpful to think about how your son views his cultural identity.</p>
<p>If he thinks of himself primarily as being from the Ukraine and if most of his friends are from the same background, he may share your cultural expectation that staying home to go to college is the most desirable choice, and he may want to stay home if that is what his friends will also be doing. </p>
<p>But if he thinks of himself as a mainstream American, he may want to do what most other mainstream American young people do – which is to go “away” to college if their academic records and family finances permit it.</p>
<p>I think this is such a unique American thing to do that most American don’t realize how culture bound and uniquely American it is. I didn’t realize how very different it was until I left. We are just in Canada now, and you just don’t see the same kind of mobility at the undergrad level: vast majority stay close to home, many living at home. The govt has built new campuses so students can go to school while living at home (saving on costs), and the ‘dorm’ culture is not the norm at Canadian universities. I don’t see Canadians as less ‘independent’ from their parents, psychologically speaking, nor somehow inferior because of it. </p>
<p>This isn’t about getting used to something— like wearing American clothes or eating hamburgers now that one is in America. It’s about internalized values and I will bet that kids who grow up with parents who value their kids being close to home or staying at home to go to college are likely to want the same thing. Maybe not but pretty likely. So the practical issue may be moot. </p>
<p>Americans have a lot more places “to move to” and it’s a culture that is much more about independent achievement and financial success over others things. And OP, you are getting a lot of backlash because you are questioning the system so many have gone through the pain of already…they need to justify that pain by saying its the right system or the way to their children’s well being. It’s a value system that is unique, but people get upset when you throw into question their values. </p>
<p>Nothing wrong with children staying close to home or even living at home to go to school. They do just fine, maybe even better. There are many many ways to independence.</p>
<p>I don’t think most parents were objecting to the idealogy itself so much as the implication that children who went away for school are selfish and inconsiderate for not thinking about their parents and staying home with them. </p>
<p>Given that there is such a cultural difference, it depends on the family. I have friends whose parents came here from other countries and they were raised here, and sometimes they have the same cultural beliefs as their parents, and sometimes they really resent being forced into their parents culture when they consider themselves American and have assimilated to American culture in their own lives. I think unless you know it’s the second case, you’re really comparing apples to oranges in terms of cultures.</p>
<p>There is a whole world of possibilities between living at home while in college and going to Australia(or the opposite coast). We are an immigrant family from Ukraine with an only child(no grandparents in this country though, it was a “professional” not “family” immigration). We live in a college town with 2 Unis a person can attend and live at home. S was interested in neither and it didn’t matter how much we wanted to keep him close, we knew what had to be done. He is about 300 miles away(thankfully, the closest option) in a great city, at a school he loves. We treasure our time together, on our visits, or when he is home for breaks. We talk almost every day, mostly just to say hi. I am trying to get ready for the time when he graduates and moves even farther away to attend Law School. It was the right decision for S and we are very proud and happy parents, even if we miss him VERY much.</p>
<p>Many assimilated-American kids, including those who are very unselfish and considerate of their parents, would be surprised at the idea that their parents might find it objectionable for them to go away to college.</p>
<p>Assimilated-American families often assume that their kids will go away to college. The parents’ feelings match those of the kids, and there is no conflict.</p>
<p>In some cases, the parents specifically want the kids to go away to college because having them stay home and commute to college would interfere with the parents’ own plans.</p>
<p>This happened in the family I grew up in. My mother and stepfather wanted to move to another part of the country, but they waited for my sister, the youngest child in the family, to graduate from high school first. They didn’t want her to have to change schools in the middle of high school. But within months after she graduated, they moved to a new home more than 1,000 miles away from the old one. If my sister had wanted to stay home and commute to college, there would have been a significant problem: “home” was moving from Connecticut to Florida. But there was no problem because she had made plans to go away to college anyway.</p>
<p>I suppose this sort of thing is inconceivable to people from some other cultures, but it isn’t that unusual in the United States.</p>
<p>Sending your child away for college can also be considered a social class marker. “Upper” class parents can afford it (and also are the most likely social class to send children to boarding school), and “middle” class parents usually can scrape the money together for it as well. “Lower” class parents are most likely to see their children attend local community colleges, or not attend college at all. Those “middle” class parents whose finances are not up to paying for more than a commuting school can find themselves struggling with feelings of social displacement and guilt.</p>
<p>Happymomof1, interesting observation but I don’t find it accurate in many cases - just another misnomer. Is it true that the only local schools are community colleges? Not at all. And if people prefer to spend their money on their childrens’ room and board, it’s their right to do so. In our case, we prefer to spend our money wisely so it can be used for his law school if needed or on some other investment we deem more worthy. </p>
<p>Our goal is that he goes to the best school possible and comes out with zero debt so he doesn’t start his adult life having to pay tons in college loans.</p>
<p>OP: You are completely and utterly convinced that this is the correct path and are not really posing a question so much as a justification for your POV. That is fine and as I said earlier best of luck I hope your son is happy and fulfilled and that in the process you are as well. It will be great if you return to let us know what happens in the future for your S.</p>
<p>The rest of us are sort of beating a dead horse here. I suggest we let this thread go.</p>
<p>*Sending your child away for college can also be considered a social class marker. “Upper” class parents can afford it (and also are the most likely social class to send children to boarding school), and “middle” class parents usually can scrape the money together for it as well. “Lower” class parents are most likely to see their children attend local community colleges, or not attend college at all. Those “middle” class parents whose finances are not up to paying for more than a commuting school can find themselves struggling with feelings of social displacement and guilt. *</p>
<p>I agree with a lot of what HappyMomof1 wrote. It was certainly true at my kids’ high school. The families who couldn’t afford to send their kids away to school felt bad as they heard of where the other kids were going. Most were not going to elite schools, but they were “going away” to various mid-tier schools and some top tier schools. </p>
<p>I could hear the almost embarrassment in their voices when they would say that their strong student was going to the local public state and going to be commuting. It does seem to be a “social marker,” and it can stay with the child for a long time. </p>
<p>One of my brothers never got to go away to school, and he strongly regrets/resents it. He’s made sure that his 4 kids have gotten to go away. I didn’t go far away, but I did get to live on campus and have that experience.</p>
<p>Is it true that the only local schools are community colleges?</p>
<p>No, I don’t think anyone meant that. A local school can be a 4 year school. My kids would have rather died than go to their local state college - even though the school is strong in their majors.</p>