Strongly believe in NOT going away to college - am I alone?

Parents Forum
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<p>Thanks again everybody for honest opinions on this.</p>

<p>You are absolutely correct that we’ll just have to wait and see what he decides to do and no, it’s not true that I am only thinking about myself and not him. Honestly, I think about both of us. Do I expect some sacrifice from him if and when it’s absolutely necessary? You bet I do - that’s part of being a family. </p>

<p>Just some quick responses to certain posters:</p>

<p>MythMom - it’s ironic you mention the possibility of him not wanting to have children at all or being gay. My niece just informed my brother and my sil that she doesn’t want to get married or to have children. Needless to say they are devastated but there is nothing they can do. This decision seems totally abnormal and unnatural to me but I am not saying a word to anybody about it, none of my business. So yes, I do realize there is that possibility but it doesn’t stop me from dreaming about a different scenario.
As far as focusing on one’s children or grandchildren not being such a good idea - well, to each his own… To me, it’s a natural instinct that I’ve felt ever since I was a little girl and not a decision I’ve made. It’s pretty hard to turn an instinct off and on, you have it or you don’t. I do clearly see your point though - my life will feel very empty when I don’t have to take care of him as much anymore so yes I do need to think of some other ways to fill up my life. Point well taken.</p>

<p>QwertyKey - yes, it’s a financial decision to not waste 40k and instead spend it on his law school if he ever decides to go. Waste vs. spend. </p>

<p>Thank you very much Schmomocgoo for being so respectful and still getting your point across. I appreciate it.</p>

<p>Olymom, your response elicited exact same reaction from me - sent chills down my spine.
I guess it doesn’t seem natural to you that I love taking care of my family.
Or we define “taking care of” differently probably. I feel lucky that I can talk to my son about so many different things and yes I do express interest in many parts of his life and yes I do tell him to dress warmly and to eat well and yes I do still pack his lunches because I know I will do a better job than the school cafeteria that is unfortunately mostly serves junk food. Yes, I do tell him that it’s important to get enough sleep and go to bed early on school nights. I guess if I didn’t do any of these things and just allowed him to do whatever that would not be smothering but in my eyes, that would constitute NOT CARING… I shudder when i hear people say “can’t wait until he/she is out of the house and off to college”.
It’s interesting that someone mentioned that sharing a room with a stranger will prepare you for marriage. Well, I actually think dealing with someone like me and being as graceful as my son is about it (he is absolutely free to tell me when i am going overboard and he always teases me about being overprotective but he sets boundaries too as to when he will listen to me and when he will make his own decision) will hopefully prepare him for marriage much better than just sharing a room with someone. Also, knowing that you consider others when making big decisions should prepare him for marriage as well.</p>

<p>As far as the whole situation with putting parents in nursing homes, believe me, I do understand that there are valid circumstances when you have to do it. Would I expect my son to stop working to take care of me? No but… I honestly can’t imagine doing it to my parents. I just can’t… but only future will tell… </p>

<p>HMom, of course, everything depends on the major he picks but he doesn’t have to actually work in the Philadlephia suburbs, I work in the City of Philadelphia and my husband works in nearby NJ. Some people we know take the train to Manhattan for work.
So if there is a will, there is a way… </p>

<p>At the end of the day, no matter if we agree or disagree, I have learned a lot from this discussion and I thank each and every one of you for contributing… </p>

<p>I hope our disagreements won’t come into play when I post more questions having to do with the whole college selection process. Not having gone to college here, I will surely need some assistance.</p>

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<p>“To me, it’s a natural instinct that I’ve felt ever since I was a little girl and not a decision I’ve made. It’s pretty hard to turn an instinct off and on, you have it or you don’t. I do clearly see your point though - my life will feel very empty when I don’t have to take care of him as much anymore so yes I do need to think of some other ways to fill up my life. Point well taken.”</p>

<p>You have so much love and such a strong mothering instinct that I hope you’ll expand your ways of using those things. Being a foster mother, a Big Sister, volunteering at Hed Starts, Boys and Girls Clubs, neonatal ICU units all could help you fill up your time and keep your heart filled as your son grows up and becomes more independent.</p>

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<p>I think if you’ve never been in a situation where you face this issue with a parent, it’s easy to say “I can’t imagine doing it to my parents.” Sometimes a nursing home is the only way one can care for a parent who has had a debilitating stroke, for example. I probably would have said the same thing you said 10 years ago and then my father had a debilitating stroke. I would have moved mountains if it were possible to figure out a way to keep my Dad at home, but it just wasn’t possible–short of building a rehab/nursing home in my house. After my experience, I’ve learned that there are circumstances where a nursing home isn’t a cold, heartless decision made by kids who want to stick their parents away.</p>

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<p>Bromfield, I am so sorry about your dad. Yes, I know what you said is true but I have seen people just leaving their parents in nursing homes and moving to a different state or just doing it because it was easier for them.</p>

<p>Northstarmom, you know I thought about doing something with babies but I don’t think i could do the neonatal ICU though because I would be so afraid that these tiny babies won’t make it and that would just devastate me…</p>

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<p>QwertyKey - yes, it’s a financial decision to not waste 40k and instead spend it on his law school if he ever decides to go</p>

<p>What if the only law schools that accept him are not within commuting distance??? </p>

<p>What if he meets someone in law school, marries her, and then goes to live in her hometown?</p>

<p>What if after getting his law degree his only offers are from firms that aren’t in commuting distance?</p>

<p>Don’t worry, no one is going to refuse to help you when you post other questions in other threads. :)</p>

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<p>I know, I know :slight_smile: but I am also hoping that knowing how I am and how he’s being raised, that he’ll take all that into consideration.</p>

<p>And the 40k would still be better spent…</p>

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<p>Emily, I think it’s great that you’ve got self awareness about your parental hopes & dreams. In the case of my immigrant mom, she felt her way was the only way and made decisions for me based on what was best for her. Your dialogue here shows that you are more than willing to support your son based on what’s best for him, but that you have parental preferences. We all have parental preferences which differ widely, but as long as you and your son can talk about them then you can both figure out what is best for your family & son. </p>

<p>This has been a very civil thread so I’m sure that everyone will jump on board to help with your next questions!</p>

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<p>“Northstarmom, you know I thought about doing something with babies but I don’t think i could do the neonatal ICU though because I would be so afraid that these tiny babies won’t make it and that would just devastate me…”</p>

<p>There also probably are organizations in your area in which you can mentor young mothers. That might be something you’d enjoy.</p>

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<p>You think? I am afraid they will not be all too enticed with my over protective tendencies… I love reading though and the little kids so may be combining the two somehow. But thank god my son is only 15 :-)</p>

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<p>My mum is also a European immigrant, however she is the first to tell me to get out of Michigan. Both of my parents know that staying in Michigan would not allow me to succeed (as our economy doesn’t seem to be picking up any time soon). </p>

<p>I go to school in Michigan and I come home every other weekend. However, she practically pushed me out the door to go to college (commuting was NOT an option) because she thinks at 18 you should be able to survive semi-on your own. If you don’t go away to college, it is much harder to live on your own IMO.</p>

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<p>Yeap. Many people feel this way. I’d probably feel this way too if I didn’t grow up differently and turned out just as independent as others. There is also that peer pressure where everybody or nearly everybody seems to be doing a certain thing and of course it becomes a norm. But not everything that’s a “norm” should be accepted automatically.</p>

<p>Buying houses people couldn’t afford and incurring tons of credit card debt was a norm up until recently and where did it get us you know…</p>

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<p>I sympathize with the OP, but am of the opinion that a child should at least live out of the home for at least a semester if financially possible. I know many people originally from the Ukraine and realize the importance of staying together, sometimes even having the grandparents live with their child and grandchildren. </p>

<p>I think the biggest job of a parent is to support their children in whatever decisions they make in life except if the child intended on doing something really bad ie a crime spree. Nobody is exactly like another person, so the child may not have the same desires as the parents. For all I know, you’re son will want to attend the nearest college and live at home until marriage. But then again, maybe not. Maybe he will fall in love with a school 2000 miles away like I did. Your job as a parent would be to support his decision and not withdraw financial support because of his decision.</p>

<p>Do you have any friends or family in other parts of the US? That might help ease the transition or you could encourage your son to attend school in an area with a sizable Ukrainian population, maybe Seattle or Chicago if affordable. There are many beautiful parts of the US and living in another part of the country can make one happy to come back home. I look forward to answering your questions in the future. CC is a great resource that opens a person’s eyes to new opportunities. I did intend on living at home and commuting to a great school, albeit one I didn’t particularly love, but another university in another state ended up being more my style and was a couple grand less per year than commuting to my local university.</p>

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<p>*but I am also hoping that knowing how I am and how he’s being raised, that he’ll take all that into consideration.
*</p>

<p>I’m sure you don’t mean to sound this way, but to say that “knowing how I am and how he’s been raised,” sounds manipulative. It sounds like you expect him to make his life choices by first giving them the “litmus test” of whether they will be what “mom wants.” </p>

<p>How far will that extend to? </p>

<p>Is he only to accept a certain law school if he knows that you’re happy with its location? </p>

<p>Is he only to marry a certain girl if “knowing how you are,” the decision will make you happy? </p>

<p>Is he only to start having children (and the “right” number of children) after he’s considered how you’ll feel about the decision?</p>

<p>Is he only to put a down payment on a home after he’s considered how you feel about that selection?</p>

<p>I think that you may need to rethink the idea that your son is expected to make his future life choices by first considering “how mom is.” </p>

<p>Afterall, your son’s wife will also have a mother, and you wouldn’t like it if your future DIL was always putting her mom’s feelings first in regards to decisions (for instance, what if your DIL says, “My mom expects to be the one to always babysit the grandbaby. Knowing how SHE is, I have to go along with that.”)</p>

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<p>also OP, my parents always say that if your child wants to go away and live by themselves then their parents did a good job raising them.</p>

<p>Your child wanting to live on their own shows that you raised them to be
…independent
…capable
…smart
…an ADULT</p>

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<p>I hate repeating myself over and over again but what I mean by what I said is that yes, I hope he will consider other people like us, his parents when making his decisions. CONSIDERS is the key word here. What decision he will make - I don’t know… and I strongly feel that it’s fair to expect that from him. </p>

<p>Your hypothetical questions are totally blown out of proportion but I understand you are trying to make a statement.</p>

<p>This is pretty much an endless discussion and I do get it that in this country kids are encouraged to go after their goals and parents are expected to stand back, I really do.</p>

<p>This doesn’t mean that everybody has to subscribe to the same idea though. Nobody can predict the future but I believe it’s a good thing in the end to be able to raise a child who considers needs and opinions of others even if it doesn’t ultimately change his decision.</p>

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<p>Rocket6, totally agreed… it doesn’t mean though that living on their own has to start at a prescribed age (18) and at a prescribed phase of their lives (going to college).</p>

<p>What if children start living on their own after graduating and getting a job where they can actually fully support themselves? Or god forbid if they move out when they get married provided it’s not in their 30s or 40s, then what? </p>

<p>We all come from different perspectives on this and rely on our own experiences as someone else posted before. What worked for us seems to be the norm we accept.</p>

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<p>my quote: *Afterall, your son’s wife will also have a mother, and you wouldn’t like it if your future DIL was always putting her mom’s feelings first in regards to decisions (for instance, what if your DIL says, **“My mom expects to be the one to always babysit the grandbaby. Knowing how SHE is, I have to go along with that.”) ***</p>

<p>Emily’s quote: *Your hypothetical questions are totally blown out of proportion but I understand you are trying to make a statement.
*</p>

<p>:)</p>

<p>Actually, that’s how points are often made. Sometimes it takes absurdity to demonstrate “the other side.” :)</p>

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<p>That may also be the parents’ wishes. I know both of my parents are adamantly opposed to their idea of either of their daughters having to care for them if they become disabled from a stroke, suffer dementia, etc. They would much rather be put in a home than suffer the indignity of having us change their diapers, etc. They see that as loving – that they’d rather our time with them be focused on interaction, not on care tasks.</p>

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<p>“Nobody can predict the future but I believe it’s a good thing in the end to be able to raise a child who considers needs and opinions of others even if it doesn’t ultimately change his decision.”</p>

<p>As long as there is no guilt, manipulation, blackmail (financial or emotional), anger, martyrdom, self-pity, continued expression of disappointment, etc., if the decisionmaker considers those stated “needs and opinions” of others and makes an ultimate decision directly contrary to those wants - what HE wants to do.</p>

<p>(I’m not implying, OP, that you would do any of these.)</p>

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<p>OP: I suspect you want to influence us to see the value of family and family connections, but everyone here does.</p>

<p>Yes, American cultural norms can seem cold in their emphasis on independence, but we want our children to have the skills to survive in the society they’re thrown into.</p>

<p>You keep saying you are as independent as everyone else, but I would question this assertion. You are not as independent of your child as most posters because you have stated that you have no real purpose in life except to raise him and help raise his children.</p>

<p>That sounds like extreme co-dependence.</p>

<p>I understand the survival value of this system and also the appeal.</p>

<p>There have been many days I wanted to cry at night because one of my children wasn’t here. Something comes on TV that is the kind of thing D and i share together; S’s favorite movie comes on, or we happen to have his favorite food.</p>

<p>No one is saying it’s easy. It’s very difficult.</p>

<p>I think the issue is you can’t see any benefit from this kind of separation, but those of us who have made it just think there is.</p>

<p>It is hard to put into words. Both the parent and the child grow and both worlds expand, and we have more new things to teach each other and share with any next generation visitors who arrive.</p>

<p>Is it the only way? No. If you and your son are happy to continue your family’s traditions, you’re right. You don’t need anyone else’s agreement or approval.</p>

<p>You do seem to want it, however. I’m not sure why.</p>

<p>And as many posters have said, most of us could not imagine our children living away from us when they were just beginning high school, but we began to plan for it, just like one would save for anything.</p>

<p>I sent my to three week programs over the summer. We all survived. They blossomed. I visited a friend a may not have had time for.</p>

<p>The opportunity to gently spend some time apart grew.</p>

<p>My D is in Atlanta this year, and I’m in NY. She is only applying to NY law schools, her choice. I am thrilled, yes, I can’t deny it, but I didn’t say a word.</p>