struggling at my "dream school", Need advice

Student Lounge College Life
1

I am a current freshman at Fordham University (Rose Hill) in New York City. When applying to college, I had 3 at the top of my list: Syracuse, GW, and Fordham. I got into all 3 schools, but Fordham was the most affordable, so I chose to go here. I was so excited from the moment I decided and until when I got here. I couldn’t wait to live in NYC and go to a well-known and respected school, since nobody in my family has gone to college before. Over the past few months my feelings have changed drastically and it has been a struggle.

I was extremely optimistic the first few weeks of school and thought I was doing great, but somehow things fell apart. I’m in a forced triple dorm, and feel like I can never get comfortable in my room, especially since I am not really close with my roommates. My hallway is very quiet, there was never any instance of everyone having their doors open and introducing themselves, which is strange because other dorms are not this way. I feel like the time to make friends in the dorm has past and since nobody is really being open anymore, that opportunity is over.

I changed my major a few weeks into school as well. I was originally in the Gabelli school of Business, but realized I’m not that interested in business and would rather do Political Science and Communications (double major). My parents really did not want me to switch, but I did it anyway. I am hopeful that my new plan will improve my life at school, since I will take classes that I’m more interested in. However, I feel like people look down on me for being a communications major and switching out of the business school, both in my family and at school.

I joined club rowing at school and really liked it. I thought the sport was fascinating, the workouts were challenging, and regattas were fun. But the team was turning out to be a very bad influence on me. Every time we had a break or day off, they would binge drink all night, even if we had practice the next day. I felt like the only way the team ever got together and bonded was when we were all trashed and not thinking clearly. I hated it, and the group could tell I was not having as much fun as everyone else. I tried to bond with the guys, but the only topics of conversation we have are about sex or drinking. It seems so immature and boring to me, I want real relationships with people. I decided to quit rowing and not do it again next semester because I felt like if I am not bonding well with the team, there is no point to wake up at 5 AM, do a hard workout, go through classes and then go to sleep early everyday. I wish it was different and I felt more inclined to stay on the team, but I felt like I was losing my authentic self by being around those people.

A major issue for me this semester has been my mental health. Over the course of a few weeks, I have been struggling with feelings of anxiety, which has never been a problem for me before. I would wake up in the morning in a feeling of panic, not related to anything in particular. Sometimes I would start shaking in the middle of the night, other times I would throw up from being so nervous about trivial things like a crew workout or worrying about getting enough sleep at night. I ended up talking to my parents about it and crying on the phone, which really set them off because I never do that. I told them how anxious and lonely I’ve been feeling, and that I hate college so far. I am going to get help on thanksgiving break from my doctor. I feel like this all arose from the feelings of isolation and loneliness I’ve been having, and I’m not sure how to fix it now that these feelings of anxiety are making me want to isolate myself even more.

I feel very isolated and lost. I have some friends, but feel like I have not gotten really close with anyone. The friends I am “close” with arent ones I see myself being friends with for the long term. I keep trying to remember how much I loved Fordham before I came here, but I cant help but feel like I made a mistake. I keep thinking of how I wish I could have gone to Syracuse, but I just couldnt afford it. I know its bad to have these thoughts but I cant help it.

My parents said if I transfer, I will only be able to go to Rutgers. Thats fine, but its not something I’m particularly excited or happy to do. The option to go to Syracuse or GW are gone, since I lost any type of scholarship opportunity I had at those schools. I might try and convince my parents to let me apply to Delaware in addition to Rutgers, because I liked the atmosphere of the school. I keep on thinking maybe I should transfer, be closer to home, and see more people I know, but I do not want to give up on Fordham. I worked hard to get here and dont want to throw it all away. I know this is wrong to say, but I fear I will look like a failure if I switch to a school back home. I need some advice, and Im happy to hear anyones thoughts on how I can improve my situation. Thank you for reading

2

Have you been talking to a college counselor? It is too bad that your freshman year isn’t working out the way you expected and a counselor could help you. Transferring not a bad idea, but it is too soon to give up on making new friends.

3

Hey, I think you are going to be okay. (1) You are finding your way on your major, and starting classes you like better next semester. (2) You joined a club, but figured out that they aren’t your tribe. If you haven’t actually quit the rowing team yet, do it today. Just don’t go back. Look around and find other clubs that might interest you and give them a try. It is fine to show up in the middle of the semester or whatever. (3) Try to find something to do outside of focusing on your classes and your dorm – volunteer or get a part time job if you don’t have one. You will meet more people that way.

Stop thinking of this as your “dream” school. It is a college, with pros and cons like all others. You seem okay academically, and like you CAN make friends – you just haven’t found the right people yet. I think next semester will be better for you.

4

That would be “you’re” a big boy. Ignore this. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging stress. The key is to figure out how to reduce it where possible and handle what remains.

5

As @intparent said it so eloquently, many freshmen don’t build long-term friendships until their sophomore year. Many change as they progress through college. While you don’t have to adjust to someone else’s personality/approach, giving the activity a little more time tends to fix a lot of issues or feelings. Also, see if you could find something common with your roommates.

BTW, I am a new fan of rowing…it is an amazing sport. I just finished reading the book “The Boys in the Boat”. If you haven’t, check it out: https://www.amazon.com/Boys-Boat-Americans-Berlin-Olympics/dp/0143125478/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1510697429&sr=8-1&keywords=the+boys+in+the+boat

6

I think that there are several things going on here, but at least to me it doesn’t sound like any of them are unfixable.

I think that a lot of students find out that their “dream school” isn’t perfect. No school is perfect. Also, it is a huge transition for any student to make the change from high school and living at home to university and living on campus. It takes time to adjust and this is hard.

Sharing a triple dorm room is tough. Is this only for one year? Is it possible to change your living situation at the end of the fall semester (ie, in a few weeks)? If you don’t like your room mates is it possible to change to a different room?

In terms of making friends: This takes time. There are lots of freshmen right now at universities throughout the US (and other countries) who are acting as if they have their friend group set, but really don’t. It is probably particularly difficult for quiet and thoughtful people to make friends. People do make new friends after their first semester, or after their first year in university. You need to give this time, but there are also things that you can do to make this at least possible (more below).

Regarding rowing and activities: Definitely it is a good thing to participate in clubs and activities. This is probably the best way to make friends. Rowing is a great thing to try out. It sounds like this didn’t work out but it was a good thing to try. My older daughter when she was a freshman also tried out rowing. She liked freshman crew when the practices were in the late afternoon or evening. However, after a few weeks she was moved to varsity crew with practices 6 days per week at 6am. This is pretty tough. There aren’t very many university students who want to wake up at 5am 6 days per week for any reason. It sounds like in your case the group was also acting badly. Okay, so one activity didn’t work. Time to try a different one. There are LOTs to choose from. Keep trying different activities and over time you will find ones that you like and ones that have other students participating in them with whom you will have more in common.

Changing majors is very common. Most students change their major at least once, and many students change their major more than once.

Definitely you should talk to a counselor at your university. There will be a lot of students in your situation and they will be used to dealing with students who have had similar issues. It is not unheard fo for students to take a semester or two off from school, get themselves in a better state of mind, and then return and do well. In many cases students that do this are returning to school with a few advantages, including the fact that they are a bit older and more experienced, and they have a more realistic understanding of what university will be like compared to incoming freshmen who come straight from high school.

It is not clear to me that transferring to Rutgers is necessary nor that it will solve the problem. However if you do transfer to Rutgers do not think of it as a failure. Rutgers is a very good school. I haven’t visited (we live further north and east of you) but I have worked with graduates from Rutgers and also studied in graduate school along with several students who had done their undergrad there. All were first class whether as coworkers or as fellow students.

7

@DadTwoGirls @intparent @fivesages Thanks for all the replies and advice, I really appreciate it. I think that these things can be fixed but I need to give it more of a chance, which is easier said than done. But I am going to try. I really want to make it work here because it is a great opportunity, but I think I needed to hear opinions from someone other than my parents.

As for the dorm situation, I am on a de-triple list for next semester, so it all depends on how far down I am on the list and if there are a lot of rooms open. Hopefully something happens that lets me switch rooms, because I feel like living in a traditional double would greatly improve my situation. Plus, the other freshman dorms are known to be more social.

8

Quieter dorms have their advantages. I agree with what posters have said. The transition from high school to college would have been tough at any college because it is a huge adjustment. The problem solving and life skills you will learn in these four years are very important to becoming an independent person. Eventually we have to be comfortable and confident solving our own problems and finding resolutions. You are in college to fulfill a purpose and that is to obtain qualifications that will lead to employment. There is also the social aspect of college too. Making new friends and getting along with those that have different backgrounds then you. Getting involved in teams with similar interests. These social skills will help when it comes to networking for internship and post graduation employment opportunities.
So having strong academic skills, good internship experiences, leadership skills through social activities, and people skills will all help you have success in your career and life. Being able to face challenges and tackle problems and not let fear take over is an important life skill. Fordham is your dream school. Turn that fear and anxiety to excitement for the amazing opportunity that you have.

Many students entering college have had similar experiences at the beginning but things change for the better. You have to allow yourself time to adjust to this new setting.