Struggling with college socially...please help

Student Lounge College Life
1

So for the first 2 years of college I attended a local commuter campus which was basically smaller than my high school; everyone still lived at home, etc. 2 weeks ago I just transferred to the main campus which is absolutely huge (one of the biggest campuses in the U.S.) and I’m living off campus in an apartment with 2 other guys. This post is basically to reach out for help on how to become socially satisfied with my college life because right now I’m just depressed.

I’m a big introvert…always have been, always will be. I actually have very good communication skills…I can talk to anyone and carry myself with confidence anywhere I go. But I’ve always been mature beyond my age and I just don’t like doing the things that most “stupid” kids my age do. I do not drink, do not do drugs, do not party, and that’s not going to change. I’m 21 and I’ve been to a few clubs and I just don’t like that lifestyle…sorry. It’s immature and sloppy and self-destructive in my opinion and will only hurt me in terms of reaching my goals.

And it seems like everyone here at college is like that. Young and dumb…going out on the town and being reckless every weekend. I just can’t stand it. Overall, I’d say my transition to this campus has been decent…I’ve joined 4 or 5 clubs and my classes are going well, and I’ve made a couple of friends (or let’s just say people I talk to often), but when it comes to Friday nights when everyone seems to be out getting wasted, I have nothing to do and I’m so depressed with myself. One of my roommates I get along with great but he drives home every weekend, and my other roommate must be even more of an introvert than me because he never comes out of his room.

I know not EVERYONE follows that party, drinking lifestyle. I mean, I live in a apartment complex with over 100 students and I can see that a bunch of people are also staying home here and not going out to the clubs and bars. But what am I gonna do…go knock on doors like a weirdo and ask people if they just want to hang out with a fellow introvert? No. I don’t think I can do that.

Oh…and I apologize if this is an awkward topic to talk about…but when it comes to girls/dating, I absolutely want that…just without the drinking and partying. Haha. So I need to meet quieter, more introverted and party-free girls…but how do I do that when they don’t go out?

As I walk through campus everyday I notice that lots of girls look at me and many hold the gaze for a few seconds. I know many girls find me attractive. But how am I supposed to meet girls when I don’t party like seemingly everyone else? Despite having high confidence in every other situation, the one I struggle with is just going up to girls who are strangers and starting a conversation. That’s still tough for me. I mean, can I just do that? Just walk up to a girl, whether it be on my way to a class, or in the gym, and introduce myself, and ask for her number? I don’t see any other guys doing that. I see guys walking and talking to girls as if they already know them well. But how is this happening…am I missing something?

Sorry for the post kind of being all over the place. I’m just angry inside and need some advice because I am a really mature, serious, calm person and I just feel like such an outcast in college right now. A lot of days I seriously feel like I just don’t belong in this world and wish I could leave it.

2

You really need to contact someone and talk to a professional. Talking to someone will help. Your school has counselors available. Please go see one.

My kids didn’t “party” either and, at first, were depressed about the social situations at their schools. This is a common occurrence and it is often mentioned on this forum. My son had a really hard time adjusting. So you are not alone. The thing that will get you out of this “funk” is going out of your comfort zone and getting into clubs and activities that you like.

My dd2 volunteered in a student run clinic; working beside like-minded students. These people eventually did activities outside of the school. My daughters didn’t mind when people said hi to them and chatted for a few minutes, but asking for a number right away would not have worked for them. Wait that one out until you’ve chatted a couple of times with the same ladies.

My middle daughter liked the coffee and drinks in the commuter lounge, so that is where she started to socialize. She eventually met and formed a study group there, inviting people from her apartment area. They went on group outings and got to know each other well.

Don’t get too down on yourself just because this is new to you. You’ll find your mature group; it just takes a little creativity and patience.

3

You sound like a great person and honestly, I think your transfer is going really well. Everything you describe, except finding your social niche on Friday nights. is right where you’d like it. Not bad for just a few weeks at the new school.

But then I read your last line and I’m a little concerned just as the previous poster said. Nobody should feel like they wish they could leave the world. That concerns me and if you really meant it, then you do need to seek the college counseling center and talk with someone.

As I was reading your post I was thinking, “this guy needs to hang out with a girl.” I think there are plenty of kids who don’t party. but I think the type of maturity you might be looking for could be best found in a gal pal or girlfriend or even group of girls. The one really great thing for your generation is that asking girls out and communicating in general has become so much more risk free thanks to texting! When you meet girls at clubs you’ve joined or in classes or even in casual conversations find the opening to say, “Hey, let me put you in my contacts.” Or I’m sure there are a hundred other “lines” to use to ask for a girl’s contact information (bet you can even Google that question). Once you have a number, causally start texting and then ask a girl to hang out on a Friday night. The ones who want to party will be doing that and the ones who might like to grab a pizza and do something else might be interested in doing that with you.

I think you are going to be just fine, it’s just going to take a little time. It’s just the start of the semester.

4

It’s only been two weeks. Is there a bulletin board in your complex? Put up a notice to form a weekend board game night. Or a movie night, or go bowling. Is there some kind of common room? Hang out there with a bag of M and M’s and offer them to people if they sit down. Knock on your roommate’s door and ask if he wants to go get a coffee or something. He probably feels the same. There must be weekend actvivites at your huge college that don’t involve drinking. Ask your roomie to go one of those events. Put yourself out there a a bit, even if it feels awkward. I promiseyouthings will imporve in another month or so, but it takes time. And please go to a therapist, either privately or in campus.

5

Penn State, right? Do you like books? Book Club is majority-female and probably skews introvert. Let me know if you want the details.

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I agree that you should see a therapist on campus.

I also think that this is new, and over time it will improve. There are many clubs, weekend activities etc that don’t involve drinking- the hardest part is taking that first step. I agree that you should consider asking your roommate to join you. I really like the book club idea.

It will be “easier” to approach a girl and say hello once you are in a social setting that you enjoy and feel comfortable in. You sound like a nice person - many girls would be happy to meet you. Try not to be so hard on yourself- it has only been two weeks.

7

Next time you make strong eye contact with a girl that seems to be returning your look, introduce yourself, ask if the girl is interested in grabbing a coffee or something sometime. She’ll either say no thank you or yes and you’ll have a date. (Seriously, this works, they are probably used to guys coming up to them, most campuses have an area that this tends to be the hot spot for at OSU it’s the oval, the crossing sidewalks make it pretty easy to spot someone attractive from afar and make your way casually toward them, the key is to make the introduction quick, friendly, and not linger - my D has met many dates this way, it’s kinda shocking to me, but I’m an old fuddy duddy.)

8

Thanks for the replies everyone. I think the source of my depression/unhappiness with this is I feel caught between both “sides.” I know some people are on the the 100% introverted side…they might have their heads in their books 24/7 and are totally fine and happy like that, ignoring the extroverted world entirely. But I feel more caught between the two sides…I’m serious about academics but I also like to go workout at the gym, walk around campus and check things out, and talk to people who are like me. But it’s almost like once you get “out there,” you feel somewhat pressured to join the party lifestyle like a lot of people do. But I know that’s not what I want.

The replies have really helped. I’ll make sure to be active in clubs and I’ll try to just engage with people I see. And also…by leaving this world I meant sometimes I wish I could take a spaceship to Mars or to the closest star, Proxima Centauri, or to the Trappist planetary system which is believed to be a great candidate to hold the conditions necessary for life. I’m a total nerd with that stuff. I didn’t mean to imply anything else; I worded that poorly haha.

9

@“aunt bea” Yeah, most of the time I study in the libraries of the different buildings here so I’m around people rather than sit in my apartment alone. But it’s still tough because people are there to study, not usually to talk. So everyone’s busy.

@Empireapple I agree I need a girl. Haha. The first weekend I actually met a few girls at my apartment’s welcome pool party but they turned out to be party drunks. Not for me. What a shame lol

10

@MrElculver2424, you need to be in a symbiotic activity: they need you and you need them.
That’s why volunteering worked for all of my kids. The clinic relied on my middle daughter:

*She had a car, so she was able to drive and pick up 4 people, who didn’t have transportation, on Saturday mornings at 6:30 a.m.
*She spoke Spanish for Spanish-speaking patients and also knew enough ASL to be able to sign with clients and was teaching her peers some Sign language.

The students were all in STEM-related majors, so they were serious about their grades and grad school applications, but they traveled to the local outdoor activities. Yes, they went to wine-tastings. They had potlucks during study sessions, and had game nights. (She cleaned out our board games at home: Trivial Pursuit, Monopoly, Scrabble, Sequence, Risk, and IPAD Heads up [Ellen game])

Eldest daughter volunteered to be an engineering and math tutor (and was eventually given a paid position) in a large tutoring center at her uni. She saw the same volunteers over and over again and they became her good friends (all different subjects).

Son was a volunteer Calculus tutor, and met like-minded tutors. He’s a good-looking kid, so he gets those “looks” too from the females. He had phone numbers all over his door.

They wouldn’t have been able to meet these people if they hadn’t stepped out of their comfort zones to volunteer.

11

I think you should drop “introvert” versus “extrovert” talk because I don’t think it matters and many people have qualities of both. I think you should focus on what YOU like to do… and then do it. My D is at a large university and describes herself as a nerd. She loves hanging out on a Friday night and discussing anthropology… and she does. She also hangs out in coffee shops with her professors discussing “life.” She did this yesterday… for 2 hours. She does not drink, does not party… and hates that whole scene. She is not an introvert- loves presentations, loves talking to large groups of students, very active in clubs and organizations, actively participates in class… But … will not be the life of the party if you brought her to one. If you took her to a frat party or bar she would become an introvert … because it’s not her scene.

So… get out there and find your niche!!! I promise with time you will find it.