<p>waitingmom: to answer ur first question, thats what he is planning on doing. yes he unfortunately still does this.</p>
<p>i go to a public high school in southern california. we got a new college/guidance counselor this year which i dont know very well. yes my dad has acted like the counselor.</p>
<p>My D is a Junior at a charter school in OC and reading between the lines I figured you were in a large public HS which does put parents in the position of being the counselor. The local HS has 4 counselors for 2000 kids not much help their either which is why our Daughters attend a smaller public charter school
It might be worth your while to pay for an educational counselor and get some input there. My older D is in Boston but we could access her grades, assignemnts etc if we wanted to I know UCSD has a student portal that you could allow him access to...long distance monitoring</p>
<p>my question is: are other students in a position like this where either they go to a school chosen by their parents(and their parents pay for tuition) or the student chooses the school but he has to pay for the whole thing?</p>
<p>ripcurl-- I think unfortunately you're not the only one placed in this position. Don't think anyone knows how often this kind of thing occurs though.</p>
<p>WaitingMom--I'm not only a mom, I'm a grad student at Duke. Don't think your advice about ripcurl granting dad access to the student portal is necessarily a good idea. At Duke the password you use on Blackboard is the same one you use on a different website to register for courses, etc. Which would mean that if UCSD works the same way then ripcurl would be granting his dad control over his course selection.</p>
<p>But ripcurl--waitingmom's point is correct, if there is a student portal then make sure your dad knows about the portal and about how easy it will be for you to provide him regular information about your courses, your grades, etc.</p>
<p>soproudofkids- your right on the fact that many other students unfortuantely have their parents make the decision for them. btw a girl from my school last year commited suicide because her father would not let her choose where to go for college. i would never do such a thing but that shows the extent to which some students will go in order to resist their parent's choices.</p>
<p>soproudofkids GOOD POINT about the student access portal I have looked at my Ds only when she has called and said "Mom log-on" it probably is the same access code which I have to be reminded of every time.<br>
But this Dad wants control he will have it a UCi anyway</p>
<p>Just a question is this also a cultural issue?</p>
<p>Ripcurl, sounds like this is the ultimate control issue for your father. He's had you in a headlock during highschool, checking your every move. If you lived away from home, he'd have to relinquish that control. Does he control your mother in the same manner?</p>
<p>waitingmom: it could actually be a cultural issue. my dad was born and raised in northern france. he attended a severe boarding school from 4th grade to 12th grade. he would only come home once a month, and vacations. He went to the top engineering university in france and got his bachelors and masters in electrical engineering. he also received an MBA. he was in school from the age of 18 to the age of 30 (because in france u need to do several years of preparatory school in order to earn a spot in a university). another point to consider is that he always tells me that 75% of french students stay at home when attending a preparatory school for their first 2-4 years after finishing high school. the thing he doesnt get is that we are in america not france.</p>
<p>poetsheart: what do u mean by controling my mom?</p>
<p>Your dad will love you even if he is mad at you for going to UCSD. That was the point of my sotry. My parents were furious. Cried their eyes out. Threatened me non-stop. I went anyway.</p>
<p>Within six weeks, my mother flew into town to buy me the clothes she knew I needed. My dad flew in a few weeks after that. </p>
<p>Later, when I decided to move in with my now husband, they disowned me again. They didn't speak to me for nine months. Then, they got over it.</p>
<p>He's not going to disown you--forever. He loves you too much. Trust that love. Let him know that you love him--despite your disgareement over college choice.</p>
<p>This is HIS issue, not yours. Make your decisions based on what you know will be the best for your life. Then, give your dad time to adjust. He will, I promise.</p>
<p>theripcurl1969-You are heading up 2 uphill battles CULTURAL and the TYPICAL GOING OFF TO COLLEGE battle. Your Dad expects you to be a French Teenager in America. Are you the oldest child in your immediate family?</p>
<p>cheers: wait untill u meet my dad. then u will change ur mind.</p>
<p>waitingmom: i am the first person on both my mom and dad's side to go to college in the US. and yes i am the oldest.</p>
<p>You certainly have an uphill battle that sets the stage for your future relationship with your parents and for the younger children in your family. It is obvious that your Dad has control over you and the entire family. Advice from "us typical American Parents" is only advice but you need to talk to your Dad and let him know that since you are paying for school you need to make the right decision for you. Going to UCI will be an extension of High School for you. If that is ok with you then UCI and a car may be the best choice, however if you are ready to leave HS behind then salvage your relationship with Mom and go to UCSD. ..I missed this are you male or female? That may also be playing a big factor in Dad's behavior too</p>
<p>I am a male. I am ready to go on and leave my comfort zone (aka mom and dad). i want to see the real world and be able to have more responsibilities. I want to take action for my consequences. I want to meet new people. I want. I want. I want.</p>
<p>rip, I deal with big burly surly contractors every day--and have done so since I was 19. Sure those guys get mad, drop hammers and use all kinds of threats and profanity to try to get their way. Big deal. They get over it.</p>
<p>Your dad is not gonna intimidate me--and he shouldn't be intimidating you.</p>
<p>It sounds like you are too scared to go against him. If that is the case, perhaps you should talk to your GC at school.</p>
<p>No one should be afraid of their father.</p>
<p>So what if he is mad...if you are leading a good life, taking care of business, going to school, he should be proud, not domineerng and controlling</p>
<p>You can not live life for your daddy, you need to realize he is not thinking about your needs or plans very much, not worried about your life, so if you make him a little mad, and he "disowns" you, how much will you be missing </p>
<p>This sounds harsh, but not all parents are great people</p>
<p>citygirlsmom-"This sounds harsh, but not all parents are great people" You are right- but we can hope that underneath it all his Dad thinks he is being a good parent.</p>
<p>theripcurl1969-TAKE A CHANCE THE BEST TING YU CAN DO FOR YOURSELF IS TO TAKE A RISK AND DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO BE HAPPY AND SUCCESSFUL. It does not sound as if you will become independent at UCI.. Look closely at money and if you can manage the tuition and fees on your own have a discussion with your Mom--enjoy your last few weeks in high school!</p>
<p>THere is another thread with this same topic:</p>
<p>A question:</p>
<p>How can a parent be happy if child is so unhappy</p>
<p>And, to me, and I could be wrong, but OPs dad sounds like a bully....</p>
<p>People can use culture, their past, their own dreams to bully their children, very sad indeed</p>
<p>Your French dad sounds like my French grandfather. He, too, had some strange ideas when my mom and her sibs went to school in the U.S. </p>
<p>You need to ask your dad some direct questions:</p>
<ol>
<li> Is it the money? (UCI with no r&b is cheaper than UCSD with r&b)</li>
<li> Is it the fear of dorm/frat partying?</li>
<li> Is it that he just wants you to live at home (some "old-style" europeans don't want d's living away from home -- fear that men will take advantage.)</li>
<li> If it's the money, then he may not want to "set a precedence" for the younger kids in the family -- if you go away and cost him $$$ then the others will want to also. Ask him if this is the problem.</li>
</ol>
<p>BTW-- he will NOT disown you - no matter what he claims. That is an idle threat. I think it is the money. Did your dad do the FAFSA? Will you get $$$$ FA from either school? What was your EFC?</p>
<p>The car thing is obviously a "red herring" because he knows that you will need a car if you end up at UCI -- certainly he or your mom aren't going to be driving you back and forth to UCI at various times of the day.</p>
<p>This is a very important issue for you, rip. You are allowing yourself to be manipulated by a powerful man--over issues that are central to your happiness and future opportunities. This is not a good patttenr to set for the life ahead. You must learn to trust that YOU know what's best for YOU.</p>
<p>In reading your posts, I thought, right, perhaps this is why I have been able to cope with burly surly contractors--because I once had to defy my irrational parents to achieve my own purpose in life. At the time, I did hope they would still love me and in fact, they do love me to bits.</p>
<p>Even though they have had some odd moments in the nearly 50 (!) years they have parented me (odd moments which they now forget), I love them to bits too. </p>
<p>Life is long. He will get over it. He will love you even if you defy him and go to UCSD.</p>
<p>Hate to buck the trend here, but we're only hearing only one side of this story. So why is your father afraid you're going to screw up if you go away to college? Is there some history here, some reason? I've been through the "breaking trust" thing and let me tell you, it takes a long time to rebuild that if it has been broken. If that is not the case, sounds like you're both in "head butting" mode. Have you considered a compromise - one year at UCSD and if the grades don't prove you can hack it, transfer back to UCI.</p>