<p>“I can understand calling the parents, but I also understand being reluctant to call. Personally, I would go through all of the school channels/police and let them call the parents. Then there is no muddying of the waters.”</p>
<p>I agree with vlines. I do feel that the parents should be notified. I certainly would want to know if it were my D. However, after giving it much thought, I don’t think I should be the one to make the call. I believe it should come from someone at the school/police.</p>
<p>I haven’t really kept up with this thread but thought of it this morning when I saw a commercial for today’s Katie show, which is about dating violence. It features the Yeardley Love case, which was widely discussed on cc. Anyway, I know the situation isn’t identical, but I thought it might be helpful to OP. You can find out when it airs in your town here: [Katie</a> Couric](<a href=“http://www.katiecouric.com/]Katie”>http://www.katiecouric.com/)</p>
<p>UMD- you are going to be waiting a long time to feel secure and for your D to feel safe if you are going to wait for the optimal set of circumstances to emerge here.</p>
<p>Muddying of the waters? Are you kidding me? last night you were in a panic that you couldn’t get in touch with your D and now you’re going to wait for the cops (who you haven’t yet informed of your concerns)?</p>
<p>umd, I just don’t know. How could you be so sure that this kid needs psychiatric help from your standpoint being so far away and getting all the info second hand from your daughter? People have asked several times for you to provide something specific that would rise to a threat, but you have ignored many of those posts. How could we take such little information and conclude that he needs to be gone and leave the school and possibly getting committed to some sort of mental institution? You are within your right to pursue what ever is needed to keep your D safe, but I can’t distinguish entries in the diary that are characterized as revenge from just innuendo from kids that may have a little spat against each other.</p>
<p>BrothersGrimmm, sad to say, but I was thinking the same thing. The only way to know the truth is to drive there and see it for herself–speak with the daughter, the friends, the RA, and any one else who has been drawn into this drama. There have been too many excuses on the Mom’s part for not going there and dealing with the situation. If I felt that my child was in danger, I sure would pull her out of class and get to the bottom of it.</p>
<p>I will definitely have to watch that Katie Couric show. Unfortunately, I was in two different abusive relationships when I was college. I’ve spoken to my D about this experience and hope that this never happens to her. I remember that I was terrified of one of my boyfriends. He beat me up, then stalked me for months after we broke up. Turns out that he went on to abuse other women over the years. He’s now in prison where he belongs.</p>
<p>Just got a call back from the Dean. They will be looking into it right away.</p>
<p>I appreciate everyone’s help and concern here on the parents forum. I don’t think there is any more advice (or criticism) that I need at this point in time.</p>
<p>Good Job, UMD, I know that you will be anxious until you know this is taken care of. I am sure that all colleges are on alert at this time because of recent incidents. </p>
<p>I do hope that you were able to tell them about the RA’s actions so that the RA may receive additional training and instruction on this type of “threat”. </p>
<p>Where I agree that the RA should have recommended that the students talk about this with the boy, I think that the RA should have been present during the discussion. And when your daughter and her friends told the RA they felt threatened, it should have been documented, and bumped up to someone else immediately. This is not an argument over who should clean the toilet or someone sleeping over too much, it is a potential safety issue for everyone in the dorm and community. </p>
<p>As a parent, I would have had a hard time going to the college and “seeing for myself” what was going on with this boy. I would not have even known where to begin to do that.</p>
<p>I’m not a psychologist, though I often play one one CC threads.</p>
<p>UMD, your last post about a previous abusive relationship made me think. Maybe that past experience is coloring your ability to trust your own instincts, your ability to make a decision and carry through with it, your ability to log off this site and take care of business? This has dragged on for a couple of weeks. You are clearly a concerned mom who loves her child very much. And it seems that you are sort of paralyzed about what to do. And you are really worried that the very worst things that you lived through are happening to your daughter. </p>
<p>We, who are reading these threads, can’t get a good grasp on the true nature of the situation because you yourself don’t have a good grasp on the true nature of the situation. Call your daughter, go pick her up after her last class tonight, and take her and her friends out to dinner. Listen to them. Listen to how they are talking about this situation. Sleep on it overnight. And then DO something constructive about this tomorrow morning. Move forward somehow with your daughter towards a resolution of some kind. Don’t worry so much about what anyone here thinks. We don’t know anything beyond what you tell us, so our perspectives and our advice may not be in any way accurate.</p>
<p>Oops, a lot has happened on this thread while I was typing! Glad the dean’s office called, glad the ball is moving forward, still recommend having dinner with your daughter tonight, though.</p>
<p>I really do wish UMDclassof1980 and her family well. I am writing not with a criticism but a caution. If you are not a psychiatrist, it is probably wise not to diagnose people’s mental illness. If you are in the mental health field, perhaps you can comment in the future when people attempt to do lay diagnoses of others. It is my understanding that diagnosing mental health disorders is difficult even for professionals. This goes as well for any illness but it seems there are a lot of armchair psychiatrists out there.</p>
<p>I am glad that the OP contacted the Dean of Students, but – and I realize I may be in a very small minority here – I think BrothersGrimm has a point. Read his last paragraph (in post #173), where he presents another scenario that might fit that facts that we know. It kind of rings true to me as a possible alternative scenario.</p>
<p>I feel that way about any number of threads I run across on CC each time I log on. I try to just take them for face value. If I can offer something, I do. If not, I leave it, or just read and follow. Some people choose not to give all details about a situation for privacy, and think that they have given enough to obtain advice. But that may mean their post seems a little “odd”, or missing info. </p>
<p>Sometimes even the most obvious of ■■■■■■ post interesting topics to be debated, or the question may help future readers. </p>
<p>PS: I do not think that this topic is the work of a ■■■■■ at all. Just making a point about some posts.</p>
<p>Glad to hear the dean will be looking into the situation. You may be aware of a tragedy that occurred at Wesleyan, that has some (not all) similar elements, ie. no previous relationship with stalker, his pursuit of the young woman. I would be concerned about my daughter and the reported statement he made about tracking the incidents sounds paranoid, which is a risk factor to be concerned about.</p>
<p>Not clear if this is just dorm drama, or if there is a real threat. However, the kid was acting strange, antisocial, cutting himself. Now, if reports are true, he seems paranoid–keeping record of “offenses” and possibly wanting revenge. (OTOH, maybe he’s seeing a counselor who asked him to keep a journal of incidents that bothered him and his emotional reactions?–and this is what the roommate saw on his computer?) . . . Maybe he has long-term issues? Maybe he stopped taking his meds? Maybe this is the first time he’s ever acted this way. Would you, as a parent, object to hearing from your kid’s roommate/classmate or friend’s parent who expressed CONCERN about your kid’s behavior–even if it did turn out to be a false alarm and just dorm drama?<br>
My older s had a roommate with “issues.” It was stressful for S to live with this guy–who stopped attending class, stopped eating, sleeping, showering, shaving, washing clothes, etc. Whenever my son talked to me about this, I wondered if I should try to call the roommate’s parents, but I never did. S knew the kid’s parents, and said he thought they knew about it–but I couldn’t be sure of that since they seemed to take no action to get him treatment.Roommate flunked out at the end of the semester.
Also, my s-i-l had a mental breakdown as a recent college grad living far from family. Thankfully, a neighbor noticed her change in behavior and contacted her parents.</p>
<p>I think I would stick my neck out and call the boy’s Ps. I see how it could go badly but the possible benefits would outweigh the potential risks in my mind.</p>
<p>Don’t be ridiculous. Quit reading novels, they rot your brain. I’m not in college. I’m not this kid or I would have gotten as far away from this Dorm and its drama a long time ago. I’m a high school kid who can spot drama and BS a mile away. I honestly thought that reading threads of “Parents” would give me insight to situations encountered in my future. All I can learn from this thread is hearsay and mental diagnosis by a bunch of random kids can land your butt in jail in a New York minute. The Op lives 30 miles from this situation and has not taken a little drive to have an honest discussion with daughter…yet has time to project her past experience and post on threads. She seeks advice from everyone and follows none. I understand group dynamics, but admittedly, I am not an expert, this sure smells like one. Maybe I’m just not mature enough for parental threads. I should probably go back to the “my teacher gave me a bad grade and is so mean” threads in high school life.</p>