<p>And we are all assuming that the boy and the parents are engaged in some hostile 'you can’t make me" dynamic. For all you know, the parents are loving and supportive people who would drive over/fly out there ASAP, tell their son that they are concerned, and they would head home together for an evaluation by a mental health professional who has been seeing this kid for four years on a regular basis.</p>
<p>I had a suicidal roommate Freshman year of college; my kids have had friends/acquaintances/neighbors in college with mental health issues. Everyone is so busy protecting the persons constitutional right to privacy that they forget that at the end of the day, there is a terrified young person with an illness who in many cases, is relieved to have Mom and Dad as backstop. Especially if this is the first episode; especially if the kid has not been medicated or had an involuntary “hold”; none of us have any idea of the family dynamic.</p>
<p>But if my child were behaving in this way, I would be horrified that nobody thought to find my phone number and call me-- immediately- to notify me.</p>
<p>Understand that the college’s hands are tied. But parent to parent- pick up the phone and make the call! For your D’s sake, for this child’s sake.</p>
<p>Why were they still hanging out with him? Several of us suggested stay away, cut alll contact…it’s the mixed signals sadly that can add to an already tense and dangerous situation. </p>
<p>It takes work to be in four of someones classes. A lot of work to copy someones schedule.</p>
<p>That’s should have been a giant red flag. Any chance d can shuffle schedule a bit? It may be something she needs to do. </p>
<p>I bring these points up for the next person dealing with someone who is unbalanced. I still don’t et why they were still hanging around him and daughter was still thinking she could help. A rejected person with mental health issues is dangerous indeed. And her staying close just proved to him she still cared.</p>
<p>Oh and sitting down having a rap session with the RA will do nothing. He will feel more bullied or persecuted or whatever. Plus embarrassed. </p>
<p>If he is making a list, it’s often a way to justify actions.</p>
<p>And as another poster pointed out, why in the world were these girls still hanging outnwith him? That was foolish and maybe they did enjoy the drama. I can’t understand that at all. </p>
<p>At this point, someone needs to call the mans parents. Every dangerous person left a trail of hints and clues and signs they were planning something. Call his parents already.</p>
<p>“I still don’t get why they were still hanging around him and daughter was still thinking she could help. A rejected person with mental health issues is dangerous indeed. And her staying close just proved to him she still cared.”</p>
<p>I absolutely agree with you. I’ve been giving my D advice about how to handle this. However, she and her friends have chosen to continue to try to help this guy who is having serious mental health issues. It’s obvious to me that he’s paranoid. Their efforts to help him (and get help for him) have failed. It’s time for them to realize that they should not be hanging out with him any longer. </p>
<p>blossom --</p>
<p>His parents live in our city and I found their phone number. They are only 30 minutes away from campus. You’re right that I should call them. I just have to get up the courage to do it. Talk about an awkward call. A complete stranger calling you to tell you that your son is acting very bizarre and they should have him evaluated.</p>
<p>I want this boy to get professional help. How to go about getting it is the problem. Does my D call the police? Do I call the parents?</p>
<p>You could start out by saying that this is very uncomfortable for you, but as a parent you know that you would want to know if your child was struggling, then just tell them what you know ASAP! I would also make sure that your daughter and her friends stay as far away from him as possible. I also agree with letting the authorities (on and off campus) know as well. I have worked in residence life and mental health and this sounds like a very serious/dangerous situation that will only get worse without immediate intervention…</p>
<p>I think we understand that you have compassion for this student’s difficulty and issues. But there’s not a thing you can do for him. I agree, I would call the actual police, call the campus police (who won’t likely be able to do a thing) and after retrieving your daughter and her roommate and removing them to the nearest suite hotel, I would call the parents. And just be honest. My daughter is worried about your son. I know you don’t know us, but we are alarmed at his behavior and worried about his safety and hers. I thought you should know that, since you are his parents. Keep it short. Keep it factual. </p>
<p>But I would not let her stay in the dorm until this is resolved somehow. She can tell everyone she’s visiting with you or something. Or just say she needed a mini vacation. The implication that by somehow attempting to help him, and by having classes together, she has invited this kind of stalking is not helpful. She does not deserve it nor has she done something wrong.</p>
<p>Would you rather feel silly later, or devastated?</p>
You need to be ready for any number of possible responses from the parents. They may thank you and assure you they will try to take action, or they may tell you to go to H. I would suggest going over a variety of scenarios/conversations in your mind so you don’t potentially make things worse by getting into a snit with the parents. </p>
<p>From your previous thread, it sounds as if he had issues as far back as last year when he dated your D. What did she say about his inclinations not to be touched at the time?</p>
<p>“I would also make sure that your daughter and her friends stay as far away from him as possible.”</p>
<p>Easier said than done.</p>
<p>My D lives in a different dorm. However, her three friends live on the same dorm hallway as this guy. One of her friends is this guy’s roommate. The two girls live across the hall. So, it’s going to be very difficult for her friends to stay away from him because they all live in such close proximity to each other.</p>
<p>My D is in 4 classes with this guy. For one of the classes, they are paid peer mentors. They have to work together to create and present lesson plans to the students. At this point, I don’t think she could totally change her class schedule. School has been in session for 3 weeks.</p>
<p>“From your previous thread, it sounds as if he had issues as far back as last year when he dated your D. What did she say about his inclinations not to be touched at the time?”</p>
<p>Yes, he had issues last year. After going out with him twice, he was already starting to act very possessive. He was talking about long-term plans for the two of them. It was really weird. At that point, she told him that she only wanted to be friends. He seemed to accept that. Yes, she told me that he doesn’t like to be touched by anyone. He avoids being in crowds or around other people. He prefer to spend most of his time by himself. Most likely, he has social anxiety. Now paranoia can be added to the list.</p>
<p>I would call the parents first. If they do not react IMMEDIATELY (i.e. have the kid admitted to a psychiatric facility for a thorough evaluation and dx) call the police, campus security and the dean of student affairs. Now. Do not wait ANOTHER MINUTE just because of an awkward conversation. This kid sounds like he is rapidly going off the rails and needs help. Most importantly, your daughter and others may be in serious danger. I would give them 24 hrs to act and I would be taking my kid home until this poor, probably mentally ill guy gets some help. It’s no shame to be mentally ill and the college years happen to coincide with the normal onset of many forms of mental illness. I personally would not hesitate for one second to call whoever.</p>
<p>If he is keeping a list and talking about revenge, I think the Directer of Campus Safety and Housing need to be made aware as well as the local police. If your daughter is in classes and works with him the Dept. Chair and her professors need to be aware too. Hopefully the parents will be responsive and go get him now and bring him for an evaluation. I know he is over 18, but if there is reason to believe he is a threat to self or others he could be brought in against his will on a “pick up order” if the police or Director of Community Services is notified. If he is in Mental Health Counseling his treating Psychiatrist can also order that. I live in NY so the laws may be a bit different, but there should be some avenue for intervention. I would not let my daughter in any classes with him until he has been evaluated. If you only live 30 minutes from campus perhaps she and her friends could come to your house and commute if they really feel unsafe until something has been done to get this young man some help? I know this is a complicated situation, hoping for a quick response for all involved!</p>
<p>First have d go to prof or whomever re paid peer mentors. She needs to say she can’t work with him. Period. If that doesn’t work, go to the dean. The fact that after last year he manages to get himself in four of her classes is very strange, and then to get to work with her? That takes effort. And planning. And a certain amount of creepiness. </p>
<p>Girls are brought up to be “nice”, often to their own detriment. There are so many red flags here that I would be afraid for my daughter and would be calling everyone that the above posters have mentioned. Right now.</p>
<p>I am VERY fearful for my D and her friends. I’m trying to figure out the best way to handle this.</p>
<p>Contacting the parents is something that I should do.</p>
<p>I need to explain to my D that she has to contact the campus or local police. She will probably flip out when I suggest this to her. She and her friends have to be on the same page. They have to be willing to work with the police. They need to realize that this is in the best interest of their friend. But put yourself in their shoes. This is a guy who has been their friend for over a year. Now he’s acting very bizarre and threatening revenge. I’m sure they will feel ambivalent about contacting the police because it’s a drastic measure.</p>
<p>This guy needs help! I don’t know what he’s capable of doing. Are his threats of revenge just empty? Or is he going to show up at school with a gun?</p>
<p>The daughter and her friends probably considered this guy a friend and were trying to help him out. After all, not everyone who is slightly “odd” or has a mental health issue is dangerous.</p>
<p>Regardless, he obviously IS a possible danger now with red flags all over the place. He’s talking (or writing) about “revenge”, acting paranoid, and previously (and possibly still) has a strange obsession with your daughter? As Captain Kirk would say, RED ALERT! RED ALERT!</p>
<p>After every campus tragedy there are “what-ifs”. What if someone had spoken up, what if someone had noticed . . . Well, your daughter and her friends DID notice and NOW is the time to speak up.</p>
<p>I think the regular police would be the first ones I would contact. Even if it turns out they can’t “do” anything, they will then have a record in case the kid starts acting weird again, and they do have to be called in later.</p>
<p>I understand that it would be best if your D and her friends were willing to work with the police, but I don’t really get why you can’t act if they do not. </p>
<p>I also think you should call the Dean of Students, the campus police, and the college’s mental health service, if there is one. I think you should do this now, or at least first thing in the morning. I realize that one or more posters have expressed the opinion that colleges tend to sweep this kind of thing under the rug, but although this may be true at some colleges, I think it is not universal. In fact, as at least one other poster pointed out, I think that since the Virginia Tech killings, colleges tend to be very aware of the importance of NOT sweeping these kinds of concerns under the rug when they are alerted. </p>
<p>Again, I don’t really get why you don’t call the Dean of Students, now. Insist that it is an emergency, and that you need to be put through right away.</p>
<p>The police should have personnel trained in mental health issues who might have a better idea of what to do. I speak from experience.</p>
<p>As I posted in your other thread, my son fell ill his first semester of college. Fortunately, he realized it himself, but if he hadn’t I would have appreciated getting a call from someone. Call the parents! OK, I’ve said that twice now, so I can’t help anymore.</p>
<p>You are right to be fearful for all involved, and you are right that you don’t know what he will do. I know he is their friend and he needs them right now to do the right thing and that is to seek professional help for him ASAP. Does her college have an on call Residence Hall Director or Dean, or a 24 hour crisis line? Call someone in authority on campus, explain the situation and ask them to meet with these kids now and explain all this to them. Perhaps if they hear it from a professional rather than mom they will understand how serious this is. Have you tried calling the family yet? The roommate or his parent would be great people to do this as well. That way there wouldn’t be any thoughts that this is just an ex that is trying to cause trouble.</p>
<p>I would not rely on a bunch of teenagers to handle a situation which clearly requires adult intervention (and I am not a helicopter mom.) But this is not a situation where a 19 year old has either the judgement, the instincts, or the assertiveness to help law enforcement or the Dean of Students see that this is not the garden variety “this guy is annoying” vs. someone who has crossed the line behaviorally.</p>
<p>I think your D is ambivalent because YOU are ambivalent. You are now making a mental list of all the reasons why someone else (your H, your D, her friends) should be taking action. You are right- you don’t know what he is capable of doing. That’s not for you to assess or figure out. You are not a mental health professional. You are not his therapist. You are not a law enforcement officer who has trained at Quantico to understand how to gently coax someone who is potentially a threat to others can be eased into medical treatment. </p>
<p>Pick up the phone. If this were my kid I would want a compassionate and caring mom to reach out to me to let me know that my child needed me. I would want to see him- see if he was actually as “altered” as the panicky Mom on the phone claimed he was. And then I would want to get him help since he is my child and I love him as much as you love your D.</p>