<p>umdclassof80 - I think intparent already did a good job answering your question, but campus police are notorious for trying to sweep crime under the rug. It’s become increasingly clear that this takes place even for serious crimes such as rape or assault, and has no correlation with school quality or region. And if they’re willing to do that for rape, they’re certainly willing to turn a blind eye to a stalking/potential-for-assault allegation.</p>
<p>Edit: Also, it’s usually a good idea to contact the police early even if nothing happens so they have a record of a report written. You can also give copies of evidence you have, etc.</p>
<p>I agree with Blossom, my post may not have been clear, but I was suggesting that YOU call someone in authority on campus now and report the situation and let them know every detail you have and also give them the names and room #s of the students involved in the situation. Demand that they do something tonight and let them know that you will also be letting the local police know of your concerns. This may upset your daughter, but she will thank you later. And again has anyone called the parents yet?</p>
<p>You should call the police yourself. Believe me, having been in a similar situation, they are compassionate and insightful. They will give you the best advice you could get, and calling to speak to a professional is not the same thing as instigating a witch hunt.</p>
<p>I know I am in a minority, but I don’t feel I have heard enough direct evidence yet to warrant some of the actions suggested here.</p>
<p>What happened after the meeting with the RA? Is the RA a peer or older student? If things are as bad as described, I would think the RA would have done something. When a student became disturbed at any of the 3 schools where I have had kids, things happened very fast on the part of the administration.</p>
<p>It is understandable that the young man felt betrayed when a group went behind his back. I think that should be avoided now. The daughter or other friend (or the guy who saw the “incidents” report) should speak directly with the young man who is in trouble, and see if a meeting can be arranged with someone who is old and mature enough to make some judgments.</p>
<p>I would not call the parents yourself. The school or a medical professional may do that, with the young man’s permission, and they can also hospitalize him if needed. </p>
<p>I do not feel comfortable with aggressive suggestions on an online forum, based on third-hand hearsay, that could ruin someone’s life. Safety of the daughter and friends is paramount but since the anger is based on friends not speaking directly to him, I think it might be healing to reverse that and deal directly with the young man, with the caveat that he/they should all meet with someone with the responsibility and wisdom to handle the situation.</p>
<p>Think about this, too: if the situation really does warrant concern, handling it in an unwise, unkind fashion may result in a threat to your daughter over a much longer term.</p>
<p>compmom, seeking help from professionals isn’t an unkind thing to do. Having been there myself, I can say that professionals can clarify things, offer suggestions and alternatives that lay person would never even know about. It doesn’t have to lead to arrest or to sanctions on campus, but it can lead to calming a volatile situation, even if the young man is found not to be dangerous.</p>
<p>I absolutely meant that they should seek the help of professionals. I did not specify dean or therapist or whatever, but I mentioned twice getting the help of someone with the maturity, responsibility, wisdom etc. to judge and address the situation. Sorry if that was not clear.</p>
<p>The idea that the parent should call the parents, or call the police, is disturbing to me. Calling a dean or other administrator is, however, very appropriate and should be done asap. However, again, the best thing is for the daughter and friends to get the young man to agree to meet, so that it is not another “incident” of betrayal. If he won’t agree, at least they have not gone behind his back in that case. The the administrator can look into it, and it would, I hope, be a priority.</p>
<p>As a parent wouldn’t you want someone to let you know if your child’s behavior was making those that know and care about him feel that he could be a threat to himself or others? And the police are trained to assist in these situations, not make an arrest. The information that the OP shared in this and a previous thread about the deterioration in this young mans behavior gives plenty of concerning information that I feel warrants immediate response for his safety and that of others. I say this as someone who has been an RA,a RHD and am currently a Licensed Mental Health Provider for over 20 years. His thinking is clearly distorted and his peers will not be able to reason with him even with the help of a more mature person. He needs an evaluation as soon as possible.</p>
<p>I still think a call to the police is in order. The young man’s name doesn’t even have to be given, but the police can help provide questions to ask and answers to look for in a completely unbiased manner.</p>
<p>Compmom, the RA is probably a sophomore or junior in college themselves. If the problem was a dispute over boyfriend sleepovers or inconsiderate behavior, by all means start there. This is a possible safety issue for the OP’s D. It can take weeks to even work an issue up to the housing authority in the dorm, as the RA will want to sit everyone down to talk about it, etc. Plus, this is not necessarily a housing issue (the OP’s daughter does not live in the same dorm as the guy, although her friends do).</p>
<p>OP, if I were you I would start with a call to the Dean of Students tomorrow morning, followed by a call to the police in your D’s college town. Then let your D know that you have done this, and tell her to expect to be contacted. Don’t wait for a group of 19 year old girls to come to a consensus that maybe something should be done. If there is nothing wrong or threatening… well, your D will probably lose this boy’s friendship. Which is probably what she wants now anyway. If there is really nothing creepy or stalkerish going on, then the boy will likely suffer no long term consequences. If there is, then he may have to leave school. But do you want him to remain there with this situation unresolved?</p>
<p>Zoosermom, without giving the young man’s name, how would the police do anything? I think the OP should give the young man’s name, the roommate’s name (who said he has that stuff on his computer), the daughter’s name, and her friend’s names.</p>
That’s more complicated than it sounds on the surface. How I felt about it would depend on a lot of things. I lean towards compmom’s idea of not calling the parents, but taking up the matter with other relevant adults. One thing seems clear - D and her friends are in over their heads and need help.</p>
<p>Well, I spoke with my husband about this over dinner tonight. We disagree over what should be done. He believes that my D and her friends should go to the RA (again) and let him handle the situation. He believes that things should go through the proper channels. My husband is a school principal with over 35 years of experience. He is looking at things from the perspective of the university. He is sick of getting phone calls from parents who overreact to every little thing that happens to their child. That’s just the way he is.</p>
<p>I worry about “what if this happens?” He says we will deal with whatever happens after it happens. I’m proactive – he’s reactive.</p>
<p>We haven’t always seen eye-to-eye when it comes to raising our D. I will have to work on convincing him that we need to do something to intervene.</p>
<p>I’ve spoken to several friends and everyone has different advice. My gut tells me that this boy’s parents need to be notified of what is going on. Something has to be done so that he receives some help from a mental health professional. I’m not sure that I can rely on the RA to do this even though this is the advice of my husband.</p>
<p>I just read up on college and stalking, and every site I read said to notify police. Even if not elevated to a crime. It gets the guy on their radar. If you want to scare hubby go read up on staplers. They start innocent enough, but escalate quickly. And over forty percent were exboyfriends or ex guys a girl dated.</p>
<p>I would do all I could to find ways to have least amount of contact. Get to class and ask prof if you can change seats. Don’t meat where you know this guy is. Do not continue over counseling with him. If can’t change classes avoid him.</p>
<p>While gping thru proper channel and up the chain of command sounds nice, with regard to safety, I would not wait. Whether my husband agreed or not. Show him the sites about girls that are stalked in college. It’s a frightening number. </p>
<p>I ask how did he get in four of daughters classes? That is a serious question. That is not an easy thing to do.</p>
<p>I don’t know how you can consider calling the parents or the police when you haven’t even talked with a school dean or other administrator yet.</p>
<p>If the daughter is still hanging out with the young man, then clearly there are opportunities for dealing with this. How is the daughter going to feel if the police haul this guy off? A dean or administrator can investigate, and require mental health treatment or hospitalization. Is your daughter ready for a scene with handcuffs? And how will the young man feel when they let him out after that trauma? </p>
<p>But right now, there is no proof of what is actually going on, at least not enough for advice that goes beyond getting someone in a position to investigate, at the college, to do so.</p>
<p>Our family has dealt with situations like this. I did call a dean to express concern for the kid, and we discussed how to handle the situation so there was no alienation between the student in question and friends. And at the same time, my kid talked directly to the student about concerns, and continued to do so, so that the young person dealing with the illness or emotional upset or whatever, did not feel betrayed and isolated.</p>
<p>Call an administrator and don’t waste any more time on an online forum if you want to deal with it asap. And talk with your daughter some more about that end of things.</p>
<p>There is a lot of over-thinking being done here. If you fear for your daughter’s safety, step in and do something rather than getting involved in all of the drama. Your concern should not be whether this young man gets help, but your daughter’s safety.</p>
<p>It is not your duty to get this man to agree to a mental health evaluation.
It is not your daughter’s and her friend’s duty to try to “fix” this man.
It is not your duty to be concerned for this young man.
It is your duty to try to keep your daughter safe.</p>
<p>Everything you’re hearing is from the perspective of your daughter. Why don’t you visit your daughter and see if you can witness the behavior of the man in question? Visit unannounced and see what is really going on. If the situation is indeed how your daughter has described it to you, take action in person.</p>
They can help sort out what is potentially serious/dangerous and what isn’t. It can be incredibly clarifying. Then they can decide together with the family what the next steps should be. Sometimes it’s just good to get an unbiased, professional perspective.</p>
<p>I agree with zoosermom. (If it were my daughter, I’m sure I would suggest that she file a police report and I’m sure that she would not want to follow my suggestion.)</p>
<p>A few more thoughts: I bet the college has an emergency mental health line that anyone can call when they think someone is dangerous. Most colleges do, after Virginia Tech. I bet one can even call that hotline anonymously.</p>
<p>If this happens to be a very small school, maybe you could tell your daughter to talk to the Dean of Students.</p>
<p>Please tell your husband that recognizing or ruling out mental illness is too much to ask of Housing personnel (RAs and dorm directors). Does your husband realize that RAs are 20 years old? This is not misbehaviour to be reported through routine channels. It sounds like something is wrong.</p>
<p>Just call the Dean of Students and tell him or her what you have told us! </p>
<p>I’m sorry, but I really disagree with your husband’s view that the RA should handle this. The RA is just another student, correct? I think the competency of RAs varies greatly, but even the most competent RA could (rightly) feel extremely under-qualified to deal with a situation as potentially serious and dangerous as this one appears to be.</p>
<p>Of course it would be better if your husband and you were on the same page, but if I were in your position, I would get on the phone to the Dean of Students now, regardless of my husband’s views. Just do it.</p>
<p>One of my nephews was an RA. He was trained in how to help maintain the kitchen as a peanut free zone because a few of the Freshman had peanut allergies. He was trained to help mediate between the “early to bed early to rise” roommate and the night owl. He was trained in how to distribute condoms (put a bucket by his door) and had the janitorial staff on speed dial in case of vomit in the hallways on Friday nights.</p>
<p>He was not trained in how to recognize mental illness. He was not trained in how to alert law enforcement to a potentially sensitive issue. He was not trained to know the difference between OCD and stalking behaviors, nor to learn when a quirk can become a pathological compulsion. </p>
<p>He was told to use his judgment and call 911 in an emergency, or call the housing dean or dean of students for non-emergent issues.</p>
<p>I think it’s bizarre that many of you are putting the health and safety of a group of kids who may or may not be at risk in the hands of a nice, well meaning RA who clearly did not understand (or was not told) that this kids behavior had progressed from troubling to menacing. The RA clearly did not notify Law Enforcement; the RA clearly did not believe that anyone was at risk of anything beyond being “annoyed”; the RA is likely a 20 year old kid who is about as mature as any of our 20 year old kids.</p>
<p>Your H is certainly justified in thinking that the Dean will be annoyed at getting a call. I know the Deans at any of the schools my kids attended would not be annoyed at a call like this. When there have been violent or tragic incidents at my kids schools the Deans, the Chaplains, and the Medical Directors send out waves of emails and letters (snail mail) imploring parents to inform them when they are aware of a kid who is experiencing a crisis so they can intervene.</p>
<p>I think police in campus towns are trained to back off when a drunk frat kid urinates in a neighbors swimming pool. This they leave to campus police (who often do a poor job of handling the matter but that’s another story.) I think they are well trained to help in matters of mental health-- and can coax a kid to get an evaluation, or even just to visit the local ER for a mental health consult-- even when the roommates or peers have been unsuccessful in doing so.</p>
<p>And you can tell your H- the kids already went through proper channels, and for whatever reason, nothing has happened. Now it’s time to circumvent the channel and alert the grownups.</p>