<p>There are parents of college-aged children who could still be turbo-charged? My kids have long since drained that kind of energy out of me.</p>
<p>Jea828… HA! That describes my relationship with S18 to a tee. ;)</p>
<p>I think people on CC have a lot more money to burn than I do. I helped dd set up her schedule the first year. Now she understands how to do it correctly to fulfill all her requirements and prerequisites for her college. In fact, we did so well that she is pretty much done by her 1st semester Sophmore year. She is at an LAC that has a lot of core requirements. Advisor was shocked she had taken care of them already. </p>
<p>I don’t have money to burn and I want it spent the best way possible.</p>
<p>haven’t read whole thread, but here’s my experience with son.</p>
<p>He rarely came home when at school so he did all his own laundry.</p>
<p>I got a call a couple of months into freshman year asking what ‘that black stuff’ was in the shower (his 3 person room had its own bathroom). I told him it was mold and how to clean it, (wear white when using bleach)</p>
<p>I didn’t book plane tickets for him. Got a call from him when he was supposed to be leaving Florida at end of spring break junior year. Apparently he booked his return flight for June, not March. He had to buy expensive last minute ticket. I did call airline after the fact and tried (unsuccessfully) to cut him a break. He won’t make that mistake again.</p>
<p>You have to let kids make mistakes or they won’t learn how to handle their own lives.
I’ve seen this with my boyfriend and his ADULT children.</p>
<p>adding: I did have access to my son’s school info. I could see his grades and what classes he was taking. He knew before he started applying for college that he was on a 4 year plan for mom money.</p>
<p>When he got into his ‘dream’ school, NYU, they gave him a large scholarship for 4 years. He had credits before even getting to college because of AP tests. He graduated with more than enough credits</p>
<p>He also knows that if mommy has to bail you out of something, there will be lots of questions and accountability.</p>
<p>After he graduated, he wanted a new laptop. I told him I would pay half, but only after he paid for it all (I reimbursed him). YMMV, but this is what works for us.</p>
<p>
And that does way more harm to her self esteem than any mistakes she makes would.</p>
<p>The argument that "her mistakes cost me and therefore, I must make sure they don’t happen? is the biggest hurdle I see. From “if I don’t insist she wear a hat, she’ll catch a cold and I’ll suffer”, to “If they take an extra semester, I’ll have to pay for it”. If they aren’t allowed to feel cold, they will never learn that a hat helps. If you have the “I pay for four years of college” discussion, then they will do what they need to, or pay the consequences. </p>
<p>I have a SIL whose son has a gluten allergy, so she hides the bread from him because “If he eats it and feels bad, he’s cranky and I suffer”. I think a 16 yr old needs to do what’s right for him. My neighbor won’t let her 8 year old use a real plate in case he drops it. According to her "you’re just setting them up for disappointment. Or, in my opinion, he learns to handle both the plate and the disappointment.</p>
<p>There is a delicate balance between hovering, supporting, and teaching/guiding. There are a lot of things that I wish someone had attempted to teach me or at least discussed with me when I was a high school or college student or even later. I probably received more hovering than guidance which is not the best way to learn your way in the world. Still, it can be difficult to distinguish guidance and hovering on a day-to-day basis when dealing with kids. There are no easy answers in this parenting business.</p>
<p>I know at least a half dozen parents whose children didn’t graduate on time for one stupid reason or another.</p>
<p>One kid refused to take a class which was a prerequiste to another because it was a subject she was weak in but it was a requirement. She refused to take the course over the summer also. The whole family attended graduation, watched her walk and receive a blank certificate instead of a real diploma. Because of her major requirements, she is doing a whole year instead of just making up the 6 credits.</p>
<p>This was a kid who was as close to a perfect child as you can imagine, smart, runway model looks, tall, thin, extremely well behaved, polite and respected by her peers but she got really goofy and off track in college. Nobody expected that at all so she was given almost complete independence.</p>
<p>It happens. It’s anecdotal but it’s real. Some kids need more handling and watching over than others. I’ve seen unexpected pregnancies, arrests, drug addiction, binge drinkers blacking out, failures, major health conditions, psychotic breaks and violence (kid victims and attackers)-(Yes, I work with people going thru stuff as a volunteer).</p>
<p>Ideally, parents will be more like drones than helicopters. Flying silently and invisibly high in the sky, ready to strike when necessary.</p>
<p>I ended up going for five years in engineering undergrad because I kept switching <em>engineering</em> majors.</p>
<p>With my final selection of chemical engineering, the underlying pre-recs for engineering science and civil engineering did not apply.</p>
<p>So, I guess my point is that I think that refusing to pay for 5 years when the pre-recs are often unfair to people changing their major is sometimes not the best idea for parents.</p>
<p>A hard and fast “four year rule” may be incompatible with the underlying college reality. </p>
<p>(I had a full scholarship, so I think my father ended up paying for one semester for tuition? Maybe?)</p>
<p>And, just to add insult to injury, if I had majored in <em>electrical engineering</em>, I would have been much better off as a patent .</p>
<p>So, in all of the engineering majors I played with, I failed to pick the best one for what I ended up doing professionally.</p>
<p>My D is a cruise missile who shoots down any attempt on my part to hover over her. I was (am) the same way with my own mother, so I guess it is no surprise. She tells me she will handle her major, her graduation, her job search, her apartment search, and so far she has. She has made it very clear that I am not to butt in unless invited. What surprises me is that there are college-age kids out there who let their parents helicopter. I would feel bad if I didn’t know some of her logic is to spare me the anxiety of this uncertain time in her life (she is about to graduate- early). She has one friend, a very bright young lady, whose parents (especially the mother) still totally micromanage her life. It is all about the mother’s needs, as the daughter could be trusted to manage herself, I am sure. Anyway, I was watching the Sopranos last night, and Meadow was treating her mother Carmela exactly the same way, so I could really sympathize (with the wife of a mob boss!) Oy vey!</p>
<p>How do socioeconomic status influence the prevalence of helicopter parenting? I mean, are helicopter parents more likely to come from affluent families or poor families? What I do know, though, is that, while there are helicopter parents from all income levels, the income level influences, directly or indirectly, what a helicopter parent does to a kid.</p>
<p>My parents use autism as an excuse to act as helicopter parents towards me only and not my sister.</p>
<p>In my very small sample of me and my two college aged kids, failure to take required classes would be nearly impossible. The kids’ universities require meetings between kids and advisors, and a few reviews by (someone) to ensure that they are on track to graduate on time. Why I would ever get involved in that process is confounding to me. </p>
<p>I have one son who moved off campus to a crummy, older home with a group of less than tidy guys. If I was a more helicoptery parent I would have refused to cosign that lease, but living in dirt, with roomates who occasionally “borrow” your milk and leave it out overnight, with a field mouse infestation that had to be dealt with, with one roomate who was chronically late with payments, with an older toilet that has gotten plugged on occasion… Well that’s all part if the learning experience. He learned a LOT about roomates, picking housing, fixing things, cleaning, mousetraps.</p>
<p>I could see all these problems in his future the day he showed me the house. However, there were lessons in that house that he needed to learn for himself. Would I have been a better parent if I had refused to cosign the lease? Maybe in the short term I would have saved him some discomfort, but in the long term that living experience was worth it. If nothing else, he is <em>really</em> ready to graduate and move out of that house in a couple of months!</p>
<p>This post really stuck out to me:</p>
<p>"I helped dd set up her schedule the first year. Now she understands how to do it correctly to fulfill all her requirements and prerequisites for her college. In fact, we did so well that she is pretty much done by her 1st semester Sophmore year. She is at an LAC that has a lot of core requirements. Advisor was shocked she had taken care of them already. "</p>
<p>So, if you hadn’t helped her she might have done the same thing in, what, second semester of sophomore year??? I don’t see the big payoff in taking such an active role in course selection. I couldn’t tell you what classes my junior is in. He knows that he has to finish in four years, and I trust him to do it.</p>
<p>Helicoptering IMO is directly related to the red flags thrown up that will cost us, as parents, more money, or in some cases, the kid literally having a mental breakdown and dumping the issue on us…</p>
<p>Not really speaking from personal experience, but I think that some of parental helicoptering posture comes from having so-called independent kids “screwing up” and then running back to mommy and daddy to help them fix it…</p>
<p>It takes a VERY strong parent to give the independence, and then not help when the independence leads to kids reaching out for help…</p>
<p>I have to admit, I help A LOT with my son’s schedule. I’m a planner…he’s not. Having a BS, having completed some work toward a second undergrad, an MS, and an MBA, I’ve worked with quite a few college advisors and have found that (at least the ones I’ve worked with) are very good at reading flowcharts, but when you start to factor in classes that might work if you’re trying to decide between two majors, classes that are the best choice for a certain major/minor combination, classes that work best for double majors, they aren’t always willing to go the ‘extra’ mile to provide students that advice. After my son registered for his first semester, he needed approval to register for a specific honor’s course, I had him email his advisor and provide the course number and section number and request approval. (Now I’ll give her a small break, she had just started that year) but she responded and said, “What is this class?” I got on their University website, typed in the course number and sent her the link. Seriously??? She couldn’t manage to look up a course at the school? Isn’t that her job??? So after that, I adoped the role as son’s advisor. Back when I was in school, I was always excited to get the new schedule of classes, to look up various electives I could take, to choose what classes I wanted to take. S just wants to know “what do I need to take to finish my degree and get out of here!” So I am <em>overly</em> involved in that aspect of his life, but if I don’t tell him what he needs to register for, he generally asks. Once I tell him what courses to take, he does figure out his own schedule (what sections/times he is going to take those courses).</p>
<p>But as far as planning the laundry, etc… didn’t we send our kids off to school so they can transition into adult life? Isn’t telling them to do their laundry kind of the equivalent of telling them to eat when they get hungry or go to bed when they get tired? I just can’t imagine calling my <em>19</em> year old son and saying, “Honey, it’s almost bedtime and don’t forget to brush your teeth. By the way make sure you wear your jacket tomorrow morning, it’s going to be cool outside.” Geez, let them grow up!</p>
<p>But the difference is being there to help when they need it and not even letting them reach that point, IMO. If you anticipate every issue and pre-emptively “fix” it for them, then they don’t learn. I’ve been surprised how much parenting I still did when he left for college, but most of it was pretty minor stuff. And now, it’s less and less, as it should be.</p>
<p>^^yes, absolutely…</p>
<p>The fact that there is a very active parent’s forum on a site called College Confidential suggests that there is a bit of helicopter parent in all of us. I agree with Madaboutx in post 27 that parents should be more like drones than helicopters. We each know our kids the best and different circumstances call for different measures. A student at a big state school might get lost in the shuffle without some parental prodding, while a student with disabilities might not seek out all the accommodations they are entitled to (because they don’t want to be different from their peers) without some nagging. There is no one size fits all solution.</p>
<p>"There is no one size fits all solution. "</p>
<p>And some kids get depressed no matter what and the root cause is always the parents, since obviously, you can’t blame non-family members for your problems. :D</p>