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<p>The parent has absolute control over the student’s college plans until the student turns 24, gets married, is a military veteran, or is otherwise considered independent of the parents for financial aid purposes, unless the student has a full ride scholarship. So it may be the student in these cases has no choice but to let the helicopter parent hover.</p>
<p>Texaspg, I think you hit the nail on the head. The survey seemed pretty subjective: maybe the kids who were deemed depressed screwed up in small and/or big ways because they didn’t heed parental advice and this was their way of projecting the blame back on their supposedly overinvolved parents.</p>
<p>I’d say helicoptering depends on the situation. </p>
<p>I don’t have any input into classes. Son goes to his advisor every quarter and gets advice on what he needs to complete the requirements and graduate on time. No worries there.</p>
<p>He decided to move off campus to a house about a mile away. He was under some delusion that we were going to buy him a car for Christmas. Ain’t going to happen. So he learned the lesson that he chose to live off campus and now has to ride his bicycle or walk. </p>
<p>But…</p>
<p>I need to constantly monitor the joint checking account he and I have because he will write checks without first checking the balance and he has overdrawn a couple of times. Since this just involves logging on and monitoring his expenditures, and not directly talking to him, and avoids the overdraft charges, I don’t think of it as helicoptering.</p>
<p>And this situation just happened last weekend. </p>
<p>He was in charge of choosing a location for his fraternity’s quarterly retreat. Weeks ago he chose a campground near BIG BEAR LAKE. College kids often don’t check the news or the weather report. I told him that a winter storm was moving in with snow and below freezing temperatures. Move the retreat, I said. And if the weather weren’t bad enough a few days later Big Bear was terrorized by that cop killer. Just not a good place to be so again I urged him to move the retreat. He listened to Mom and moved it. Sometimes you just have to helicopter for your child’s health and safety.</p>
<p>Correlation doesn’t imply causation - these kids might be “depressed” precise because they’re less capable of living independently than other, more independent kids, and who <em>require</em> more parental intervention. </p>
<p>I’m sure we’ve all seen parents we thought were a little too engaged - but until you walk a mile in their shoes, you can’t really judge. And when a kid is away at college, how much “helicoptering” can be done, anyway? </p>
<p>My own parents were well-meaning in their laissez-faire attitude towards child-raising - but in retrospect, I was someone who needed more direction, and more involvement than I received. </p>
<p>There’s no one right answer for everyone. Thing is, I know it’s kind of faddish to criticize over-involved parents, and no doubt there are some that take things way too far. But I refrain from being critical, because I’d rather see over-involved parents than under-involved.</p>
<p>Madaboutx –</p>
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<p>Oh, I absolutely love that. How true!</p>
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<p>Now, IMO, I would consider this to be helicoptering. He’s not learning that there are consequences when he overdraws his checking account. He should have to pay the overdraft fees and monitor the account himself. Are you going to continue to do this after he graduates from college? He needs to learn to be responsible for his finances.</p>
<p>People actually do this? </p>
<p>My parents can barely name my housemates (if they actually can), dad had to phone to ask me my address not long ago (he was posting something… I’ve been living here 8 months), and I’m not sure that they either know or care what classes I’m taking.</p>
<p>As there is no “one-size-fits-all” solution to a helicopter parent problem, there is no “one-size-fits-all” helicopter parent either.</p>
<p>We have the impression today’s parents suck at parenting yet I believe there always have been poor parents throughout recorded history, although it is easier to document today.</p>
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My cousin does this - drives 50 miles to her only child’s school, does his laundry and cleans his room - I think she’s demented …</p>
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That’s WHY I’m on CC. Gives me a dose of college and parenting talk without having to interfere in their lives. Otherwise, my nature would be to interfere.</p>
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This was my late father to a T … and the thing is, he had a terrible time understanding why I had so many problems becoming independent as a young adult. I’m 51 and it’s only in the last 10 years or so that I’ve stopped being so relilant on my parents’ good graces. In fairness, now that I’m a parent, I see that it was his way of keeping me out of trouble and sparing me heartache. I appreciate that, but I sure haven’t been that way with my own kids …</p>
<p>My parents were totally hands off (except for the occasional laundry as my school was only an hour and a half away and I’d pop in every few weeks 
They had never attended college and weren’t hands-off totally by choice, they just didn’t know that much about it. I think that made me more independent, and by sophomore year I was tutoring and also helping kids with financial aid forms and registration-- I had to learn all the ins and outs just to get to college and to guarantee I’d finish in 4 years because the money would finish in four years!</p>
<p>Fast forward and my two daughters aren’t even in college but I feel the need to help them with choices while preparing for college to save them future headaches and me future dollars! It’s a fine line because I learned so much wanting to go to college in a family where it was totally unchartered territory, and doing it on my own, but on the other hand why not save your kid from all that and let them concentrate on other things, as long as it’s constructive? There were many times I wished my parents could have told me what to do, and it wouldn’t have depressed me-- I think quite the opposite! It’s funny because I still help kids with financial aid forms, choosing courses and the like. I don’t think I’ve made any of them depressed!</p>
<p>It is a fine line, especially in my situation, since S1 is at my alma mater in a different specialization of the same major. I keep telling myself it’s his problem if he doesn’t get an internship this summer, etc., but it’s hard not to bug him about it.</p>
<p>I do not (yet) have any personal friends who have had to deal with the bachelor’s degree running beyond the budgeted 8 semesters. This is the dreaded outcome that I think motivates a lot of parents to be more involved than they would otherwise be. It’s fine to talk tough in 12th grade and say there will be no money after the 8th semester. I know a poster above (aqua) was the student in that situation, and self-paid. I’m not sure how that works – I would expect my kids to be personally broke after 8 semesters of school, and the 9th semester can be $25,000 and up in a lot of places – how does a kid pay that? Transferring to a school closer to home after the 8th semester will set you back at least two semesters. Even if you’re already living at home, drop down to part-time so that you can work your way through, and the graduation requirements may morph while you’re trying to attain them, or course offering sequences will mess you up. Does anybody have personal experience of cutting the cord financially, telling the kid to move out and self-support, when the kid is 8 semesters out, the money’s gone, and the kid is still a few courses short of the degree?</p>
<p>I would be happy if it was only a semester. In many majors if the class is offered once a year it could be a year late.</p>
<p>Many people see life as a game of chess where meticulous planning saves the day. As someone slightly more pessimistic than Eeyore I see life as backgammon where you not only need to plan your moves but you need to consider the consequences of a bad roll.</p>
<p>Youngsters always think of the so-called happy path where everything turns out peachy. A lot if interventional parenting (lol) is about the non happy path…</p>
<p>I could have been accused, with some justification probably, of being over-involved when S1 was in elementary school, and then again during the college application process. It seemed necessary at the time. But this same son is a now completely independent and successful college junior, plotting his own course and making all his own decisions, and even handling his own laundry (probably his biggest challenge!). The point is that I believe he needed a little helicoptering at various times, but too much, too long, would have been a huge mistake.</p>
<p>My sons appreciate my laundry advice. But I am hopeless at helicoptering re: course selection. Both young men have, on occasion, asked my advice about classes, but they rarely even acknowledge my excellent suggestions. In fact, their m.o. is to contact me days later to say they’ve found the perfect class on their own. </p>
<p>All that hovering for naught - Did the study say anything about depressed parents?</p>
<p>Sorry but I think a lot of whining about helicopter parents comes from parents who want to feel better and have an excuse for no longer parenting. When a kid is in college and I’m paying than I intend to pay attention to my child’s grades and classes.<br>
My D picks all her classes…attends those classes…does all the work herself…but I still show interest that all is going smoothly. I don’t pick her actual classes, but I will ask questions about if she has fulfilled all GE’s etc… Honestly, you are one of your kids best resources and definitely one of the few completely on your kids side. Why would you take that asset away?</p>
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<p>Far from the truth in my case, but that’s your opinion.</p>
<p>I thought there were already copious studies about this.</p>
<p>“Sorry, but I think a lot of whining about helicopter parents comes from parents who want to feel better and have an excuse about no longer parenting.”</p>
<p>What? </p>
<p>So I’m either a helicopter or I’m a negligent parent?</p>
<p>Isn’t there a place between those two extreme positions? A place where most of us live? You know, a place where parents are available to help if asked or offer an opinion if asked, but not breathing down their young adult kids’ necks over every minor detail of their lives?</p>