We have been told to be aware that having DS leave for college may be an even bigger adjustment for DD than for us as parents since she has never experienced being an “only”. We are trying to include her in the college process but it has been difficult since she has her own activities. For example, she wants to visit his chosen campus but all 3 upcoming opportunities means she is missing an EC of her own. How did you handle the transition? What seemed to help/not help? What do you wish you had done differently?
In the same position, so no good advice. I can tell you though that many only siblings left behind find it really “annoying” that once the sib is gone, they are the focus of all the attention. My son has already said that this is the only thing that will bother him once his sister leaves. Sibling love, hey? ;))
My D2 was a sophomore when D1 left for college. It was rough at first, but thankfully she has an early birthday and was driving by November of that year. She’s a kid who needs social interaction which she missed when her sister left. With her license, she was no longer trapped at the house and was able to get out and visit friends, go to the gym, etc. without relying on me for transportation. So have them get their license when they are eligible!
My younger son really blossomed when he was no longer overshadowed by big brother. A surprise really because it wasn’t as though his brother was the talkative one. I really enjoyed the three years he was an only.
Hasn’t happened yet but when D17 went to a month-long summer program away from home, D21 perked up after a week or so. Not the same as a full year, I know, but I am hopeful that she will bounce back. They are pretty close.
When my third was the only for a year before he left for college he told his brothers it was the worst year of his life. All that attention!!! Having to be the only child at the dinner table. He was close to his brothers and really missed having them around but not sure we could have done anything about it.
Oh yeah, the “only-child-at-the-dinner-table-syndrome”! Not sure what the answer is, except to be aware and try not to put too much attention and pressure on the left behind one. I really remember this with my S; first year was really hard on him, though he adjusted after a while–he was a freshman when his sister left.
Play it by ear. My DDs were so connected via instagram & snapchat, they didn’t lose much connection whatsoever. My younger was starting HS and dove in with a gusto, outside the shadow of her accomplished older sister. After one year, she’s quite established her own identity. When older sister comes home, it’s not weird at all. They jump onto Assassins Creed or Halo and bang away as always. hahaha
Wow…I never thought about this. Younger son had a part-time after-school job and between that and his school demands (academic and ECs), I doubt he had much time to think about being lonely or anything else during the 2 years that he was an “only” at home.
I would say, “keep 'em busy”
My younger one was also extremely busy. I think she did kind of escape her brother’s shadow in some ways after he left. Notably in our church youth group which both kids were pretty active in. She became much more of a leader once he was gone. It wasn’t just that he was gone but that was probably a factor.
Your youngest will have a chance at some point (maybe move in day?) to see the college, so I would not worry about it too much at this point. At first the younger will be happy not to have to compromise with the older one (or share the car). She was worried she would be a third wheel to me and my husband…so we got an exchange student. After the exchange returned home at the end of the school years, she quickly decided being an “only child” was awesome.
My secondborn LOVED her three years as an “only.” Her only regret was that her brother, who attended a college an hour away, occasionally came home for weekends or medical appointments. She asked,“When people go away to college, aren’t they supposed to stay there?”
Clearly, for her, the extra attention and resources she got in a one-kid household more than offset any feeling of missing her brother.
She also had zero interest in his college campus since she had different ideas about the type of place where she wanted to go to college.
My son grew into a much more mature person when his older sister left for college. The transformation was really remarkable. He said he felt like he was always in her shadow (she was very “shiny”) and now he had the freedom to succeed without other people comparing them. I think a lot of the comparisons were in his own mind, but once she left, he felt free not to make them.
Their relationship also changed. Instead of asking us for advice, the first person they go to is each other. They talk several times a week via Skype and FB messenger.
The hardest transition was ours, when our son left for college last autumn. It has taken me about a year to get used to the empty nest thing and to really embrace it.
When my S left for college he said (sarcastically) to my D “Have fun. Now you can get mom’s undivided attention.” But it all worked out. D and S have always been pretty close and non-competitive. Once my S chose his college we drove down with D so she could see it and we all did some bookstore shopping (it was close so that was do-able). I think D enjoyed the time at home alone and we did have time to focus on her needs. And S offered advice and was supportive of D through her college application/selection process.
There is 9 years between my older and younger D’s, so younger was pretty young when her sister left home. She had some experience with being a “part-time only” when her siblings were at their dad’s during the summers and some school breaks though. In any case, as the only for her dad and I, she has absolutely blossomed. While she missed her siblings, she grew up in the cell phone era, then later FB and all that, so she was able to keep in touch with them. Meanwhile, she forged her own path and has had nothing but success. I’m pretty sure I could not have devoted so much time to getting her to and from places if I was still busy with other kids, so I think it worked out fine.
The next 3 opportunities for her to see campus take us all the way to and include family weekend in early October. The impression Ian getting from her is she will adjust better if she gets to see campus long before fall break which would be her next chance.
We have four, so a while before the youngest is the only one left, but we’ve already started joking that we need to buy a really, really long dinner table so that we can duplicate the movie trope of the wealthy and emotionally cold family where I sit at one end, my wife sits at the other, and the one child sits in the middle of one of the sides as everyone eats their meal in silence, except when we grill the child about her day in uncomfortable ways.
Until I read this thread none of this had occurred to me. D went off to college and S appears to have barely registered an impact on his life. We were just laughing the other day that D is finishing her 2nd year and S has still yet to set foot in D’s college town. He’s had no interest in going when we go.
S probably wishes he was getting spoiled as a fresh “only.”
@Cheeringsection If you are getting the impression from your daughter that she needs to go before family weekend to adjust, I’d make every effort to get her there even if it means missing some of her ECs .
DS16 and DS19 have always been very close, including participating in scouting and many of the same ECs. It will be an adjustment . They have already set up Skype which is a good thing because I certainly can’t help him with higher level math. To help him adjust, I plan to buy him a sports Booster membership at our HS so that he can attend the games with his classmates to develop or strengthen his social circle.
Our youngest (3rd) loved being an “only” child for five years! She loved being the center of attention. She also had her own activities and work and friends to keep her busy.
Having older siblings also had a huge influence on her college search and her expectations for what we would do with/for her during campus visits…She was dragged along to 8 family weekends and several siblings weekends before she started college, so she wasn’t going to let us skip out on any of the festivities or “spoiling” when it was her turn.