<p>I can't go into specifics because apparently people who go here use this (who'd have guessed), but I guess I'm posting on here asking for help. I've always been quite anxious and always misunderstood but I at least was well-known and people were used to me enough (after about seven years) that it all became okay. I always figured that the little moments where I'd use exaggeration in conversation and no one got it, made it awkward, etc. would at least be noticeably diminished when I got to Carleton, and that's how it felt on my accepted students visit. However, I am completely and utterly depressed here. Nobody likes me, everyone evidently misunderstands every word I say, to the point where I have basically given up hope. It's not that I'm sad that college wasn't a perfect fantasy land-- it's just that A it's ten times worse than high school, which I thought nothing could be worse than and now ironically remember fondly and B Apparently every single other student here is living in a fantasy land of perfection. What am I supposed to do? And how am I supposed to continue the facade of being happy here to my parents in order to prevent them from being crushed at having to waste 8k a year so I can get an education? </p>
<p>Just looking for guidance. Please ignore the long-windedness, and thank you.</p>
<p>First, if you’re not seeing a counselor already, do be aware how much that can help, and always remain open to the idea. A fresh perspective and a few new strategies can go a long way, and it’s better than random advice from not-necessarily-qualified persons (including me).</p>
<p>I would guess Carleton’s a big enough place that sooner or later you’ll find the people who do “get” what you’re saying, if you keep trying. Make these people your friends, by being a friend. Also, be your own best friend – you’re there for an education first and foremost, so treat yourself to a good one.</p>
<p>As for the ones who don’t “get” you, just remain as pleasant as possible, as relaxed as possible… and as far away as possible, as often as possible. (Excuse the hyperbole, but I know you’ll get it.) Good luck, and remember not to sweat the small stuff.</p>
<p>Counseling is about change, either dealing with a change or creating a change, and often it’s a combination of both. Counselors are skilled at navigating the territory of change, and they serve as a companion and guide as you grow through the changes in your life. You need not go through this alone, and there are always options with how you go through this. Depressed mood makes it hard to see and engage those options, and reaching out here is a good start to working your way through this. Please keep reaching out. If you don’t like the counselor you first meet, arrange to meet another. If you don’t like the approach the counselor is taking, explain what you need in how you navigate this territory. I have learned much through my work with counselors. Did you know that there is an evolutionary theory about depression? We know we share with many species an adaptive fear mechanism (i.e., fight or flight) for responding to immediate and identifiable threats to life or limb. When that mechanism is misactivated in response to threats to quality of life, we call it anxiety. It is one of the most prevalent mental health concerns worldwide. Another equally prevalent concern is depression. At a conference a few years ago, the question arose, “What if depression is like anxiety, an adaptive mechanism misactivated?” And animal researchers responded with observations of numerous mammal species. They said that with den-dwelling mammals for example, when the adults leave to get food or find another place to live, the offspring will crawl into a hole, curl up, sleep more, eat less, and they won’t play or explore. They essentially disengage to stay out of harm’s way in a potentially dangerous circumstance (i.e., no available protection). What’s troubling with this mechanism, is that when the adults return, sometimes the offspring won’t come out. The adults have to push the offspring out and force them to re-engage. Research is finding that the brain produces more brain-derived neurotropic factor (BDNF) with activities that are engaging. And BDNF helps us build new neural connections and break out of habits of thought and action that keep us stuck. The activities they found most helpful were aerobic exercise (moderate to high intensity, 40 minutes, 4-5x/week); meaningful face-to-face conversation; and meaningful exploration of novel environments or experiences. (Whew! That was really long-winded, but I just wrote a piece on this and it is fresh in my mind.) Thank you for engaging here. Keep on engaging. If you haven’t already, please reach out to people on your floor, student leaders, staff on campus including counselors.</p>
<p>I will say this. Sometimes the initial floor or roommates you have is far from a good fit a Carleton. You could be in with a bunch of guys who think they’re in a frat, and it may just be a really poor fit. Carleton is good in that I found there are a wide range of people to interact with. You have everything from crazy druids to crazy Christians, to crazy atheists. Students who spend their entire time playing magic or going to football games. There are really rich to middle class students. Some of the students who participated in drama were pretty strange to me, but they seemed happy to hang out with each other…they produced good entertainment on a Friday and Saturday night. I found friends, but it wasn’t necessarily on my floor.</p>
<p>If you have an academic problem, think about that separately from your social problems. Address it with you professors or talk to a counselor about that. I don’t know how, but sometimes academic problems and social problems got blurred at Carleton.</p>
<p>I agree, some people are in a fantasy land there, and it was damn frustrating. I never got it. I tended to be friends with people that were not in that fantasy land. I think they’re still there.</p>
<p>Have you been to any freshman events? Have you tried to make any friends? You sound like you are isolating yourself. I hope you are seeing a counselor.</p>
<p>I’m really not isolating myself at all. My floor notices that I’m quite seldom in my hall, and every weekend I’ve been going out-- though, admittedly I usually give up between 12 and 1:30 each night. It’s just a bit sad! People taking me the wrong way happens so frequently I just let them keep their assumptions and stop talking to them</p>
<p>Do you feel like you don’t belong with the people on your floor or that they don’t “get” you? Like don’t relate to your sense of humor or interests or something? I assure you there are people at Carleton who’ll like you and love to be friends with you. Feel free to message me privately if you’d like to talk too!</p>
<p>I felt the same way at Carleton. Ultimately, I decided to just forget about the whole social scene, which to me was really lame, and just do my own thing. I found a major that interested me, joined some clubs that interested me, got OFF CAMPUS, explored Northfield, walked in the Arb, took gym classes that sounded fun, even ate alone in the dining halls for a long time. I decided that instead of trying to fit in by doing things I wasn’t really interested in (i.e. drinking in a sweaty dorm room while people listened to bad pop music), I would do what was really fun and interesting to me, even if no one else was interested in it. Eventually I did end up connecting with some cool and interesting people, but it was only by being myself that I found them. What I’m trying to say is that you’ll never be happy trying to fit in with people you don’t like. You need to be yourself, and ultimately you will find your place, though, like in my case, it may take a while.</p>
<p>Freshman year can be difficult for anyone. You are in a new place, surrounded by a new group of people, on your own perhaps for the first time. Maybe some other people are making that transition smoothly, but odds are many of them are struggling, too, and they’re just better at hiding it.</p>
<p>Try to look at the big picture/ longer term. When I look at what my classmates are doing now, it seems to me that the people who have been most successful at creating interesting lives for themselves are those who were off doing their own thing in college instead of looking for the best keg party. You will not be happy pretending to be someone you are not for the sake of having a so-called desirable social life, and you will be missing out on finding truly compatible people. Be who you are, don’t try to be someone else.</p>
<p>However, if you are a naturally awkward person and you find that you are getting consistent negative feedback from your peers about certain behaviors, then as much as you want to like yourself and feel good about yourself, you might take this as a cue to work on modifying those behaviors. I have a socially awkward child and I am an awkward person myself; we need to understand that there is a cost to ignoring social feedback and then decide if that is a price we are willing to pay, you know?</p>
<p>If you have an underlying disability that is affecting you, this probably is not the time to ignore it. Make the time to seek support for your issues. And in general, make sure you are getting adequate sleep, food and exercise. That can be a challenge in college but, believe me, attending to those basic needs will leave you better able to cope with coursework, time management, social challenges and daily frustrations.</p>
<p>1)Do all the medical stuff that was recommended. </p>
<p>2)Learn how to shake things off. The students who seem to live in paradise have learned how to do this. It’s something that’s usually leaned on the playground, but I suspect that there wasn’t a lot of that in your childhood. More simply put, is it possibly that you’ve never learned to play with others? The key to fitting in is not trying too hard to fit in. Relax, don’t try to coin the perfect phrase. Be laid back. Try to project calmness and confidence. Most importantly when things don’t go your way, shake it off and move on. Don’t be devastated by reaction or non reaction. Get up. Dust off your jeans, and keep playing. Remember, it’s all just a silly game played by giant children. GL</p>
<p>Definitely go to the Student Health and Counseling Services. Meet with a counselor according to the schedule he/she recommends and give it a little time. If for some reason you are not starting to feel better, consider therapy with a private therapist in Northfield. If you PM me I can give you the name of one who has greatly helped a couple of students I know.</p>
<p>Best wishes to you. Depression/anxiety is no fun, but there is a lot of help out there.</p>