Dad, the more details u provide, the more it sounds like your son is fine. He’s in MIDDLE SCHOOL. This is his time to grow and try new things without being penalized in the college admissions game. Inhale… exhale… repeat.
Glad to hear he’s back in basketball. It’s important for kids to take pride in something they’re good it. Plus, come college admissions tine, basketball may distinguish him from the pack of uber academic achieving asian american kids.
Stop hovering.
GMT…the son is in SIXTH grade! All the more reason for this parent relax.
The worse thing you are doing is monitoring his grades every minute, you are saying you don’t trust him to be responsible. One of the things I am most proud of as a parent is I NEVER (not even once) learned how to log onto those portals in middle or high school. They are good kids doing their work, why would I have to check that? I expected them to keep up with their responsibilities on their own, and they did. With several kids in our house and some in college, the HS GPA ranges from 4.2 - 4.67. That is all the info I need, and I only get that when the report card comes. I realize some kids need more monitoring, but when they don’t, back off or you will only get resentment and defiance as they get older and are able to over-ride your wishes and influence. As a teen he may start flunking to p*** you off because you are too much in his business. Ultimately you are raising him to be independent, you need to be more independent as well. This isn’t healthy for anybody.
3 hours of homework every night? I’d have a hard time watching a 12 year old do that. When does he read for pleasure?
3 hours of homework a night is inappropriate for a 6th grader. I don’t understand why we have come to this point where we think a rigorous, engaging education is measured by the quantity of work our children receive. Either he is in over his head and shouldn’t need to be spending 3 hours a day or the school is trying to boost its reputation by assigning too much work. In either case, I would strongly consider pulling him from the school. He needs time to be a child. He should be able to a sport if he chooses. And you certainly want him to have time to pursue his passions, to be creative, to play with friends. We are now in an entrepreneurial based economy where we want to graduate students who know how to take risks and who are imaginative and creative. I don’t believe that kids who spend all their time either in school or doing homework are going to develop the skills necessary to thrive in today’s society. And they certainly are not going to enjoy their childhood!
AMEN^^^^^^
^ This x1000.
Stop riding your 12-year-old son about a few non-stellar grades and work on having the best relationship possible with him. That’s what you and he will want remember about this time in his life, and yours. Obsessing about where he will go to college in 5 years is worse than nonproductive, it’s corrosive.
Oh gosh, I feel for you because I’m just as neurotic in some ways but I don’t think your kid has a problem–I think you do.
Save the relationship. It should not be about school.
He has to figure out his goals and motivations for himself. If he does things simply to pass your watchful eye, it will never be the right thing for the overall arc of his life.
ECs are SOOOO important at this age. The letting off steam effect of ECs is invaluable. I can tell that D’s participation in he sport (great commitment, at least 3 hours / day / 6 times a week, many out of town meets) had a crucial positive effect on my D. who is close to graduation from Med. School (in May). Her piano playing was another very positive aspect of her life that she could not leave behind at college and graduated with Music minor.
I believe that focusing that much on strictly academics at 12 has backfired and will continue to be a wrong path. I am not talking about slacking in academics and my own kid would never neglect it for anything. But balanced life and a time mangement skills carried her thru many very rough patches on the brutal road that she had chosen for herself.
My grandkids are in exactly the same situation, involved in absolutly everything that one can imagine, from music, performing to sports, dance, art. We do not know yet which HS grandson will attend next year. GrandD is at HS that had 30 applicants to one spot of freshman year (one of test-ins in NYC), my D. graduted from the most rigorous private HS in our area. All so far straight A. Nobody “sailed” thru, all are hard working and commited. As D. said about herself: “I am not talented, I am very hard working”.
These are my experiences that tells me that all thru graduating from college, a young person should be able to pursue various personal interests, be involved while working hard on academics, but not focusing strictly on this, such a focus at such young age will make life miserable.
To answer your question " When does his academic self motivation start?" - that one was easy and again was connected to D’s sport. It started with the first 5 min. homework that she got in kindergarten. She did not think that it was something important, she was eager to go to her practice (on competitive team at 5 ). I said that since the school work is the most importnat in her life starting with this first assignment, we cannot go to practice until she is done with her homework and done very well. It was done probably faster than in 5 min and I never had to repeat my 1 min. speach.
Get your kid involved, motivation will come from the success and having fun in other area of life. Desire to be good at everything will spring from the experience of being very good at something.
Sorry Miami…but doing too many ECs is just as bad as doing none at all. In addition to needing that interaction with others (I agree about that), every kid also needs some down time. I would strongly advise against programming every minute of every day with ECs. Find a couple of things of interest.
This is the time to explore. The kid will get to the point where he chooses a couple of things or decides to stick to a couple of things. In this house, we wanted some sport…just one per year…at school…starting in middle school. Before that, the kids did recreation sports, swim lessons, skiing. We also felt that music was important, and asked that our kids at least try an instrument for two years…an instrument of their choice. After that, it was their decision whether to continue that…or not.
There are many, many options…too many. We know kids who went to ballet, gymnastics, drama classes, scouts, tennis lessons, and participated in a sport. The poor kids were never home, and often did homework in the car while racing from activity to activity. Sorry…but I don’t advocate that either.
A few random thoughts in no particular order, some of which has already been said, a lot of which people on this website are going to think is heresy:
It is early in the semester. . .he still has time to pull his grades up. Middle school is a time of adjustment. I think our district eases up on middle school kids a little–understanding that most of them are going through puberty, need sleep, are re-sorting social groups, just discovering/developing their talents, etc. I have a 7th grader and have been driving middle school carpool for years with my older kids, neighbors’ kids. Just listen to middle schoolers talk sometimes! There are a lot of really smart kids who don’t get perfect grades in middle school–especially boys. Kids this age have trouble getting organized, taking on more responsibilities, and caring about grades that just don’t count. If the teachers aren’t concerned, you shouldn’t be so worried. Let a kid be a kid. Let him play basketball. Three hours a night is excessive homework for 6th grade. Really–what are they doing in school all day if they still have 3 hours work to do when they get home? I don’t know your schools, but from what you’ve described, in your situation, I’d consider putting my kid back in the “easier” school.
I would not enroll my children in any program that gave 6th graders 3 hrs of homework.
I would want to know if the homework is challenge level appropriate for my child. Are all kids having these assignments as take home work or is this student not utilizing in class time to complete assignments? Is there a disconnect between what is happening in the classroom and what is expected at home?
Amount of time spent on work is not an indication of quality of academics. All work is not created equal. How is this school utilizing their in class time and what sort of academic work is being achieved? Is it knowledge-based busy work? Is it higher level critical thinking work? (For example, a student could spend hours doing pages of repetitive math problems that are all plug and chug of the same concept over and over again or a student could spend a couple of hours puzzling their way through just a couple of complex problems like the challenge problems in AoPS.)
I know my own 12 yrs old would be burned out if they were expected to stay on task all day and 3 hrs at night. Their grades would reflect boredom and burn-out. Their grades would not reflect academic ability or even attentiveness.
This student is attending a charter school. Where I live, families do not pay for charter schools.
Maybe I’m reading too much into this…but I see this as a family who wants a very competitive academic atmosphere, and a kiddo who wants the same. The OP mentioned BASIS schools. If I were guessing, I’d say he lives in the Silicon Valley area. There are tons of very good private schools in that area (e.g. Harker School…but that is one of many).
If I were guessing, I’d say this charter is trying to be similar to those competitive private schools, as well as Basis.
But that doesn’t mean all of the academics should take the place of actually being a preteen. There has to be some joy in the week as well as the work.
One more helpful hint to add to so many good ones on here…Stop reading College Confidential. It can make even the most well-balanced parent feel like their kid is not measuring up. I don’t know if everyone is as awesome in real life as they sound in these forums, but my daughter is just a regular kid - a big-ish fish in a small pond, quite involved in EC’s, but not a superstar, and she’s also sometimes lazy and spends way too much time on YouTube. Guess what, she also has some amazing college offers to choose from and she’s not a stressed out basket case. Good luck dad!
"Even worse I feel its having a negative effect on our relationship as I find myself obsessively checking his grades each hour and I only talk to him about school where we used to talk everything. "
These two things - obsessively checking grades every hour (they don’t change hourly!) and only talking about school and nothing else - are COMPLETELY under your control. So change them.
Wow! It’s rare to have unanimous replies on CC. I’d like naming rights to this rule – if everyone on CC tells you to lighten up, man, you had better lighten up pronto.
Check grades at mid-term and end of semester. Your son should be telling you if he’s not doing well in a subject. His teachers should be contacting you if they think there’s something you should know. You are probably already know as “that father” at the school, please try to keep your kid from being known as “that kid.”
When was the last time you and your son watched TV together? Not a good show but a guilty pleasure.
If you can’t stop checking his grades obsessively and start behaving more normally on your own, please see a therapist and/or get medication. Don’t hide behind him; you have some issues that need addressing. I don’t know how to say that more gently; my intent is not to be rude.
“And if you are wondering, yes, my wife and I are Asian LOL.”
So, unpack that a bit. What are you so afraid of? Do you have certain colleges in mind for him already? Are you under the delusion that there are only a handful of good colleges in the US and that if you don’t get into a handful of “name brands,” your kid will be flipping burgers at McDonald’s? Try to tell us what your fear is. That may help us disabuse you of it.
People keep saying that “it is only middle school”. In our magnet middle school kids take high school courses starting in 6th grade. Lots of parents have their kids repeat a course if they even get a B in Middle School because they know it will go on their HS transcript.
Still, you are all correct in that there needs to be a balance.
Ok TV4caster, I’ll say it a different way.
He is only TWELVE years old. Twelve.
Let him be a twelve year old too.